She Cheated - Long story

[brokenairman]

To start the story i will give some background.

 

My wife and I have been Married for 2 years next month, I have been in the Air Force for 3 Years in December. My wife and I were trying to have kids until she changed her mind for not being ready.

 

I have deployed once 1.5 years ago, it almost split us apart. For the last 2-3 months we have been drifting apart.

 

She works at the store on base, I work days and she works nights.

 

A few weeks ago she started to talk to someone new, at first i did not think anthing about it. She sees and meets all sorts of people all the time. Then I noticed that they were going to the mall, lunch, and just talking all the time. After a couple of days she started to get very protective of her phone, would always take it with her, get upset if i was playing around and just looking at some of her pictures ( i used to do it all the time no problem).

 

After he making it a point that she did not want me to see her phone at all, would get up and sit on the other side of the couch when she would get text. I started to tell myself that it was more then just a friend, that he was a lover. She came home from work on Saturday and I just looked at her and asked her what he was to her, if there was anything going on. She looked at me and said that she has kissed him once, and was not sure what she wanted. After we talked for a few hours she said she had to get out and breath, take a break and realax. When she did not come home for 2.5 hours i decided to call her and see what was going on, she would not answer. Then i get a text saying that she had to see him, and make sure he was ok.

 

After she got home i asked her what caused this problem, she told me she did not feel loved anymore and he did that for her. After talking again she told me that she would be willing to give us another shot, that she would not give up on us yet, that she wanted to be with me.

 

Things had started to look better...for about a day. The the texting had started again, the hiding of the phone all that once again.

 

She then told me that she wanted to go out with the girls on Saturday and I had no problem with that. That night i went to the store where she works to get a few things. Once of the girls she was going out with was there working. I asked about there plans and she had not know anything about it. At that point I started to tell myself she was with him and not to expect her back.

 

When she got home at 2:45 (am) she was acting funny, did not want me to hug her, touch her, nothing. Just wanted to go to bed, now normally when we sleep i wrap my arm around her and that is how we have always slept. This time she would not want me to do that, said she felt to confined and needed some space.

 

So i lay in bed awake almost all night when she layed next to me thinking about what was going on, how she was acting, what she was saying. When she finally woke up Sunday morning the first thing i did was tell her i need her to tell me the truth, to be very honest. She had aggreed

 

At that point I asked her if she slept with him, all she could do was cry and nod her head yes. After telling myself she had, and dealing with my problems I had finally lost it. I wanted to do nothing but cause myself harm. At that point I had taken a step back and went to the ER, im working on my problem now so please dont worry.

 

Now i still love this woman, she is the only woman I have ever been with, and have ever told that I loved. I had always planned on growing old with her, spending my life with her.

 

When I had gotten back from the ER we decided to talk about what happened, I asked her if she loved him, she said she does not know, asked if she wanted to work things out with me? once again she did not know.

 

I have no idea how long I can sit back and allow her to bounce between him and myself. Everytime I ask for some info she gets upset and says she cant answer this right now. Now she is also telling me she does not want to go to Germany next year because she is afraid of starting over with friends, job, and her support group.

 

How long should i giver her? At what point do i make her decide him or me? Should I make the choice for her? I have no idea what I can do to make this easy on her and I. I need an answer, but dont want to push her away just because im the one asking.

 

**********************

 

Now for a little info on the guy. I have taken my skills and resources to find out some info on him. He is also Military, thinks that the only thing that makes a person is there clothes. He had known that she was married and kept on pushing the situation because he was also aware of our problems. I have also found a website with his info, under his "hobbies" he has stealing your girlfriend and splitting up relationships in between the rest of the things he did. I did tell my wife about that and when she asked he just said he fell for the wrong women and it was not his fault.

 

Being that he is Military and so am I it is found illegal due to the fact that it is causing harm mentally to another member of the military and not allowing him to there job. I know everyone in his command and everything about him. Now that he knows i know the only thing he could think of was me telling his command and him getting in trouble.

 

The next question is should I tell his command, should I make him suffer like he had done to me?

[RunawayTrain]

Wow. I am so sorry that you are going through this brother. Former USMC here also have been deployed so I know how hard it is on relationships. Let me start off by saying that I think you need to consider a divorce and cut your losses. Your wife is manipulative, selfish and things in my opinion are only going to get worse. She has zero respect for you or the way you feel. This is evident by her actions. I know you love her but at some point you need to realize that she betrayed the vows that both of you took. If you wait around for her to "see the light" you are only going to hurt yourself emotionally and I am sure you are don't want wind up in the emergency room again. Prepare yourself mentally and try to detach yourself from the possibility that you two will get back together. It is hard but ultimately the decision is up to you. Do you want to be with a woman who allowed another man to be inside her ? That sounds very harsh but that is the reality of it. As far as notifying his command about his actions I wouldn't recommend it. Karma is a bitch and what goes around comes around. He will get his in some form or another. I hope you are doing better let me know how things progress.

[tami-chan]

The next question is should I tell his command, should I make him suffer like he had done to me?

 

YES! you should tell his command. Two things could happen if you do 1) It might drive your wife closer to him(you and me against the world syndrome:rolleyes:) and you would lose her altogether-(might be better for you in the long run) or 2) Wake your wife up to the problems and hurt she is causing and bring her back to reality.

 

Take care and quit harming yourself. You cannot guilt people to love you the way you love them.

[brokenairman]

I have always told myself that if some was to cheat on me again (happend in high school) that i would with no question asked end it.

 

The only problem is that I cant bring myself to be away from her, I kills me that he did allow another man to be inside her. But at the same time she keeps telling me that she is wanting to work things out, that she does want to be with me.

 

For most of her life she has had a problem with depression and has always felt ashamed for having it. After what happened to me over the weekend she did finally agree to get help, she also did agree to talk to the base Chaplain about us, to get us past it.

 

Part of me wants to kick her out, change the locks, and end it all now before things get worse. At the same time i did take a vow to years ago, i keep telling myself that this is just the worse times we were told about.

 

First thing this morning I did talk to Mental Health and they were able to shed some light on the situation, give me some ideas of what caused me to get where i did and at the same time what pushed her away.

 

Thank you for reading my long story, Im still just torn in the middle and dont know what to do any more

[brokenairman]

 

Take care and quit harming yourself. You cannot guilt people to love you the way you love them.

 

Currently im not harming myself, i did not do it to cause her any guilt into loving me. I used it as a source to let go of the pain, to dull the pain inside with a true pain.

 

Im working on getting help, and currently talking to someone about my thoughts and pain at least twice and week and anytime things are going south and i cant get those ideas out of my head.

[RunawayTrain]

You are definately on the right track with getting help and dealing with the pain she caused you and the issues at hand. The decision you have to make right now is weather or not its worth it to salvage your marriage. This is an arduous decision you are going to have to make on your own. I or any other member on here can tell you what to do. We each have our own personal experiences with cheating, myself included. I have been cheated on and experienced all the emotions you have, if not more. I am not knocking you for wanting to save your marriage, however I personally do not think it is worth it.

[tami-chan]

I have always told myself that if some was to cheat on me again (happend in high school) that i would with no question asked end it.

 

The only problem is that I cant bring myself to be away from her, I kills me that he did allow another man to be inside her. But at the same time she keeps telling me that she is wanting to work things out, that she does want to be with me.

 

For most of her life she has had a problem with depression and has always felt ashamed for having it. After what happened to me over the weekend she did finally agree to get help, she also did agree to talk to the base Chaplain about us, to get us past it.

 

Part of me wants to kick her out, change the locks, and end it all now before things get worse. At the same time i did take a vow to years ago, i keep telling myself that this is just the worse times we were told about.

 

First thing this morning I did talk to Mental Health and they were able to shed some light on the situation, give me some ideas of what caused me to get where i did and at the same time what pushed her away.

 

Thank you for reading my long story, Im still just torn in the middle and dont know what to do any more

 

Brokenairman, being in the military and being married is a very, very tough life. Trust me, I know. I am a military wife. Okay, so you took the vows ( which your wife broke)...so what? You did not vow to take abuse. Your first and foremost responsibility is to YOURSELF.

 

In the military, as you know, there will be many times that you will be away from your wife. How can you trust her? When you and I know that there are many members of the military who do exactly like your wife's OM---they prey on wives like your wife. Not that your wife is not a willing participant, mind you.

 

If I were you...tell your wife to quit her job at the BX and I hope you do not live on base---if you are, vacate quarters and get an apartment away from base.

[mark982]

while i feel bad about your sitution,she cheated period. no excuse for that,even though you love her,can you ever trust her again? or forget that she boinked another guy,after she lied about where she was going. what about your next deployment,you're gonna be pulling your hair out,wondering what's she doing.

[lkjh]

report his ass. Do you think you can spend the rest of your life with her after this?

[Reggie]

The best way to destroy an affair is to EXPOSE it. Report it to his commander. Expose to her family and yours. Just do it without warning. You must not tolerate her continuing in the affair. You cannot stop her , but you can make your boundaries clear and the consequences of violating them clear(ie. divorce).

If you have no kids, I'd say divorce her asap. Most people do not get over this and the marriage is bad thereafter. The trust is gone and she has shown you what she is capable of and what your future holds.

Sorry for your pain.

[whichwayisup]

I agree, expose this affair. It'll stop it or atleast make it much harder for them to sneak around and lie.. People don't change until they're faced to, until they suffersome consquences. Until this happens, for both of them, the A will continue, even if she tells you it's over, it won't be.

 

Sorry that you're hurting, though I'm glad your seeking help.

[Asami]

Wow. I am so sorry that you are going through this brother. Former USMC here also have been deployed so I know how hard it is on relationships. Let me start off by saying that I think you need to consider a divorce and cut your losses. Your wife is manipulative, selfish and things in my opinion are only going to get worse. She has zero respect for you or the way you feel. This is evident by her actions. I know you love her but at some point you need to realize that she betrayed the vows that both of you took. If you wait around for her to "see the light" you are only going to hurt yourself emotionally and I am sure you are don't want wind up in the emergency room again. Prepare yourself mentally and try to detach yourself from the possibility that you two will get back together. It is hard but ultimately the decision is up to you. Do you want to be with a woman who allowed another man to be inside her ? That sounds very harsh but that is the reality of it. As far as notifying his command about his actions I wouldn't recommend it. Karma is a bitch and what goes around comes around. He will get his in some form or another. I hope you are doing better let me know how things progress.

 

I agree with you as a Navy person here I understand how deployments can affect relationships, but you've got to cut your losses! this girl isn't worth it, I don't mean to be harsh but like runawaytrain said, she dosen't even respect your feelings, if you go to his command with what he's done think about the reprocussions it would be for you if you did that from her the next thing you she reports you to family advocacy program( that's not good) if you get what I mean. I suggest you take care of you right now excercise and starting doing fun things, and get some counseling if you need to but leave that situation alone...

[whichwayisup]

The next question is should I tell his command, should I make him suffer like he had done to me?

 

This isn't about making him suffer..Or her. It's about them having to face the consquences of their actions and choices. Your wife didn't ask you permission to cheat and he certainly knew she was married and so he isn't innocent at all. He went along willingly and manipulatively. You don't have to ask them to do this..if you feel it's the right thing to do, do it..But with the intention of exposing the A, not to make him suffer.

 

He owes you NOTHING as he isni't married to you. Your wife IS married to you and owes you the truth..All of it.

[RunawayTrain]

For those of you that served in the military, you know the culture and lifestyle is different especially base living and deployments overseas. Since there are no children involved it is somewhat easier to move on and cut your losses. I am not saying that to downgrade your feelings because I know your going through emotional hell and torment right now. Forget about her and how she feels, that is nill. Concentrate on you and try your best to map out a plan of action on how your going to rebuild your life. I know it is hard now and you cannot imagine your life without her but at some point you will start the process of grieving. Anger, Denial, etc. I seriously think that trying to rebuild or salvage this marriage will be detrimental to your well being, just an opinion but you do what you think is best.

[tami-chan]

Why not? Because you love him too much to do that too him?

 

...creeks...c'mon..the man is hurting...

[RunawayTrain]

His employer is a very different atmosphere than the private sector. It is the US Military a whole different animal. I really feel terrible for the OP. Surviving multiple deployments is rough especially in the Middle East. Then having to come home after seeing what goes on over there and have to deal with a cheating spouse ? That is rough and my heart goes out to him.

[tami-chan]

I was simply asking him WHY he would not exposed the affair to his employer, to his parents, to HER employer, to her parents, siblings, friends, etc.?

 

I know..I ACTUALLY thought it was funny when you asked, ".......because you love him?"...but didnt typed LOL or the laughing smiley because OP is dealing with a painful thing.

 

tami-chan, stop following me and stop hitting on me.

 

LOL..but I am not lesbian, so no, I am not hitting on you.

[Asami]

For those of you that served in the military, you know the culture and lifestyle is different especially base living and deployments overseas. Since there are no children involved it is somewhat easier to move on and cut your losses. I am not saying that to downgrade your feelings because I know your going through emotional hell and torment right now. Forget about her and how she feels, that is nill. Concentrate on you and try your best to map out a plan of action on how your going to rebuild your life. I know it is hard now and you cannot imagine your life without her but at some point you will start the process of grieving. Anger, Denial, etc. I seriously think that trying to rebuild or salvage this marriage will be detrimental to your well being, just an opinion but you do what you think is best.

 

I agree well said.

[Sal Paradise]

Whether you decide to leave or stay you should report him. He knew she was married and pursued her anyways. He is a dirt bag and is a embarrassment to both the uniform and the human race.

 

I would cut my losses and file for divorce. You have no kids and it's been only 2 years. If she can't stay faithful this early in the marriage what do you think will happen in year 5, 10 or 20?

 

If you do decide to work it out she must break off all contact with this guy. Which is why reporting him is absolutely necessary. Also I wouldn't allow her to go out to bars without you ever again. Someone like this can't be trusted with alcohol when you're not around. Might wanna consider moving off the base as well.

[brokenairman]

Well I'm still not sure about telling his command. No its is not because I love him, as it was said being in the Military there are many different things that could happen then in the civilian world.

 

I am talking to a counsler on base and they already know what my wife did. They just dont know that i know his name, job, where he lives, what he drives, his hobbies, the fact he has lost the same stripe twice, well just about everything there is to know about him.

 

I really do feel like my wife broke all the trust in a realationship. At the same time because of the things that we have shared in our life I dont think i will ever get her out of my mind. She is the only woman I have ever loved and have ever been with. Now dont get me wrong, everytime she text him, pushes me away i want to kick her out.

 

As for the question about living on base, yes we do. Because I already have orders to PCS it will be hard for me to get a lease downtown. I dont know if i will be able to use the Military Clause as a reason to break the lease if I already know about the orders.

 

Her family and my family already know there are problems going on in our relationship. Do they know all the details no, I have wanted to tell them, but yet at the same time i keep telling myself that everything will be better, that we will work past this (as many have) and if they know what happened will only make them look at her and us in a different light.

 

Im going to see my counsler again in a few days, the more and more I think about it im going to tell them what i know about this guy. With the military any violation of the UCMJ if passed on must be pushed up ad taken care of.

 

I will keep everyone updated on what i do. Thank you everyone for your support, this has been a very hard part of my life, just sitting here typing this is bringing me to tears and i cant stand to think about it any more.

 

So with that being said, good night everyone. Thanks for being there and helping me get an idea of what i want to do, where i want to go.

 

No matter what happens i will be going to Germany in a few months, now its just a matter of are we going together and will we use the new area, new job, new everything to start over and work past it. Or will I be going to Germany alone and starting over, by myself.

[brokenairman]

Whether you decide to leave or stay you should report him. He knew she was married and pursued her anyways. He is a dirt bag and is a embarrassment to both the uniform and the human race.

 

I would cut my losses and file for divorce. You have no kids and it's been only 2 years. If she can't stay faithful this early in the marriage what do you think will happen in year 5, 10 or 20?

 

If you do decide to work it out she must break off all contact with this guy. Which is why reporting him is absolutely necessary. Also I wouldn't allow her to go out to bars without you ever again. Someone like this can't be trusted with alcohol when you're not around. Might wanna consider moving off the base as well.

 

After talking this morning with the Dr. she felt that part of the reason what happened is because she knows she is my life, that without her i dont know what I have. Growing up i did have problems with maing friends and fitting in with people (i was overweight and a military child that seemed likee i always moved). Once i meet her i started to feel so much better and all i ever wanted was to be with her and around her to help make me feel needed. She told me that all that stress and support she must give me pushed her away, made her more like she was caring for me then there to love me. I was given the recomendation of getting out and doing more things without her, to show we that i dont NEED her to be happy, that i CAN survive everyday life if she was not around.

 

If we do work things out she will be moving to Germany with me, with that being said it will be very hard to have communication with him. Im almost certain that i will report him, now i just need to know how i can do it and not have him make my life hell for the next few months (he is a cop).

 

As for moving off base, my last post explains why that will be hard right now.

[RunawayTrain]

Airmen, whatever happens, you have the strength and resolve to make it through this, just remember that. Whatever decision you make stick to it. Keep us updated on your situation.

[ForumFool]

TELL ON HIM...Also to everyone you report him to back it in writing AND state you fear he will harass you.....then..he won't be able too

[hopesndreams]

If we do work things out she will be moving to Germany with me, with that being said it will be very hard to have communication with him.

 

There would still be communication between the 2 of them regardless of where you both are, and if it's not with him, it would be with some other man. I hope for your sake and sanity that you go to Germany without her. There are no kids, cut your losses and find someone worthy and deserving of your love and respect.

[lostsunsets]

Most definitely report him. Have him transferred immediately.