Trying to get over co-worker

[jany]

Hi all. For almost a year now, I have been reading this forum, trying to get advice through the various questions that were asked. I had a "fling" with a married coworker that started last summer, and lasted for about six months. We did not have sexual intercourse but we certainly did things that would constitute as "sex." There is no doubt in my mind that my husband would consider this as cheating. I would not dispute that either. I started seeing a counselor about this and that helped in the sense that it provided an avenue for me to talk about this relationship. It has been six months since we "met" and I am still trying to get over him. I have been trying to channel all my energy to my husband but for some reason, I'm still lusting after my co-worker. He is on my thoughts often and I don't know how to stop this or get over him. We both want to leave our positions and we both have been applying for various positions. Short of quitting my job, I am not sure what to do. I should also mentioned that we knew what we did was wrong but still couldn't help ourselves. He was definitely the driver in the relationship, including putting a stop to it.

[Chrome Barracuda]

So your telling me that a grown and capable woman such as yourself connot control your own body and mind??? you was so helpless to control your own urges?

 

Are you really expecting people to believe your that weak?

 

I mean stop trying to justify and own up to what you have done, tell your husband and tell the OM NC!!!

 

Until your husband knows the truth and want to be an equal partner in the marriage, you dont have a true marriage, your the one who is lying and covering up things.

[whichwayisup]

Time to start looking for another job. Staying and working with the coworker is only going to prevent you from letting go and healing.

 

You also NEED to stop lusting and allowing yourself to think of the coworker. No more fantasies and remembering, all that does is keep your feelings going.

 

Another option is, tell your husband the truth. His pain and his reaction to your choice in cheating on him, being with another man (minus actual sex-sex) WILL make you stop wishing and lusting after the OM.

[whichwayisup]

I should also mentioned that we knew what we did was wrong but still couldn't help ourselves. He was definitely the driver in the relationship, including putting a stop to it.

 

No, you can't put most of the blame on him, you're MARRIED. You have to own up to this and not put it all on him. It takes two to tango and in that moment or the times you fooled around with him, you knowingly did this. To say you couldn't help yourselves is still a choice. You two allowed it to happen and weren't thinking at all. You could have put a stop to it as well, so again, please don't put this all on him. Noone put a gun to your head and said "cheat!"

[lostsunsets]

Your poor husband. Imagine what a fool he is. Loving you while you fantasize about another man. Have you told your husband yet?

[z1850]

It sounds like you're doing the best you can. You both made the right decision, and soon things will work out. Since adultery is defined as voluntary sexual intercourse with another person you are not married to, you did not commit adultery. You'll learn from the experience, and be wiser for it. Keep on trying to find a position elsewhere, and be professional at work. Eventually you'll no longer be working in proximity, and this will fade into the past.

[whichwayisup]

Since adultery is defined as voluntary sexual intercourse with another person you are not married to, you did not commit adultery.

 

She let another man touch her, she fooled around with him, did alot minus sex, that's cheating and is adultry. If her husband had done what she did I'm sure as heck SHE would think it was cheating and adultry.

[z1850]

I'm talking about the legal definition of Adultery here in South Dakota--which is defined as the voluntary sexual intercourse with another person who is not your spouse. This definition may vary from state to state.

[Destiny28]

You also NEED to stop lusting and allowing yourself to think of the coworker. No more fantasies and remembering, all that does is keep your feelings going.

 

Another option is, tell your husband the truth. His pain and his reaction to your choice in cheating on him, being with another man (minus actual sex-sex) WILL make you stop wishing and lusting after the OM.

 

Wow, right on whichwayisup.... I agree here 100%

[jany]

No, I have not told my husband yet. I spoke to my counselor about this, and she said she understand some people may think it is necessary, but for my situation, she doesn't think it's going to help. Plus, she thinks telling him would be self-serving.

 

I am not putting all the blame on OM. I have doubt that I am just as guilty. When I said he is the driver, I meant to say that he has the control of our relationship - as in when we met, chat, or stopped. Not at all implying in any way that I was the "victim" here. Because, clearly I am not.

[dobler33]

Another option is, tell your husband the truth. His pain and his reaction to your choice in cheating on him, being with another man (minus actual sex-sex) WILL make you stop wishing and lusting after the OM.

 

yeah, not really, i'm afraid. it'll change things and introduce the possibility of rebuilding your marriage (mine is going really well, i can definitely recommend it), but it doesn't magically take away the longing, just as nothing magically takes away the craving for a drug. it sucks but there you have it. you find ways of breathing through it. that longing will be there for a long time, i expect, but just as we had a choice whether or not to act on it in the first place, we have a choice whether or not to act on it now. discomfort is part of it. write it out on here, cry and pine and wish it were different, that's ok. it doesn't have to dictate what you do or define who you are.

[seibert253]

It sounds like you're doing the best you can. You both made the right decision, and soon things will work out. Since adultery is defined as voluntary sexual intercourse with another person you are not married to, you did not commit adultery. You'll learn from the experience, and be wiser for it. Keep on trying to find a position elsewhere, and be professional at work. Eventually you'll no longer be working in proximity, and this will fade into the past.

 

Have to beg to differ with you on this one. There are various types and forms of adultry.

[seibert253]

No, I have not told my husband yet. I spoke to my counselor about this, and she said she understand some people may think it is necessary, but for my situation, she doesn't think it's going to help. Plus, she thinks telling him would be self-serving.

 

I am not putting all the blame on OM. I have doubt that I am just as guilty. When I said he is the driver, I meant to say that he has the control of our relationship - as in when we met, chat, or stopped. Not at all implying in any way that I was the "victim" here. Because, clearly I am not.

 

 

I don't agree with your counselor on this one. I feel you've realized the wrong choices you've made and want to fix this.

 

Let me ask you this, what made you attracted to the OM? Was there something you "lacked" in your relationship with your husband? If the answer is yes, then I assume you want to address this with your husband?

To use a sports analagy, marriage is a team sport. You cannot fix what's "wrong" in your marriage alone. You will need your husband's help. How can he help if he doesn't have all the facts and the truth?

 

I would like to give you a homework assignment. Research on this site the number of BS's who learned about their WS's affairs years after the fact. Not only do they discuss the pain of the initial betrayal, but the additional pain of the years of lies and deceit. Many feel there entire marriage was buit upon a bed of lies. Many BS's do not overcome this and their marriage destructs. Is this what you want? I certainly don't think so and I'm sure most agree.

 

Yes if you tell your husband he's going to be hurt and pizzed. But, how do you think he's going to feel 5 or 10 years from now WHEN he finds out about this?

 

Enough of that. There's only one way to "get over" your OM. Seperation. If you cannot be seperated at your work, guess what, you need to change employement. I already know all the excuses, we can't afford it, I can't find another job, yada, yada. I'll put it this way; what's more important, your financial well-being, or your marriage. Choose wisely, but make a choice. You've admitted to us that your OM is in the "drivers seat" as far as your relationship. So, if he decides he "wants you back" and starts to pursue you, given the way you continue to feel about him, I find it difficult to believe you will not end up making further regretful choices. You will end up back at square one. Do yourself and your husband a favor and get out now, before it's too late.

 

God Bless and good luck to you.

[jany]

Thank you once again for the advice.

Dobler33: You are absolutely right. The longing is there, and it's still very strong. I am just perplexed that the longing is still there since it has been six months ago that we met.

 

seibert253: There are so many things that attracted me to the OM and I have tried addressing them with my husband without actually saying hey I've cheated on you. I will definitely think about what you said in terms of fixing the marriage. I definitely want to fix this and I'm trying my hardest to leave this job. I have applied for various positions and yet to hear back from any. I truly think that there is no way to get over him until I leave this job.

 

I have another question regarding this and this will probably pissed off some of you because I still care about what OM thinks. He stopped the relationship and he seems to be over me, and us completely. He doesn't flirt anymore and it has been a relatively clean break. However, when we thought of doing something together which will lower his inhibition, he doesn't want to because he doesn't trust himself. If he is over me, why is he afraid of that. Yes, I know people would disapprove of me still thinking about this but really, it's not taking a lot of energy out of me and I need to know! *sigh*

[jwi71]

I would say her counselor's advice is spot on. Mostly because he/she is an IC whose goal is to help jany and NOT the M. An MC would have VERY different advice.

 

Now while I wholeheartedly agree with IC it really does NOTHING for your M as you have experienced. In my eyes, your M is still very much in a crisis mode.

 

The tried and true formula for detoxing from this is:

 

NC with your lover. This means you quit now. Not tomorrow. Not next week. Now. Because every contact continues the A. Every sight, every word, every email and every knowing smile. Its hard to quit smoking by hanging out in the smoking lounge.

 

I also espouse sitting your H down and telling the truth. There are 1000 reasons and we can debate them (and we have...so lets not start) and it comes down to valuing your H. Notice I didnt say valuing your M...but your H as a person. HE simply deserves to know how badly damaged his M is. How can he or your M recover w/o first knowing how badly wounded it is? And its in critical condition. You CANT save it on your own. You can't save it in IC. You save it TOGETHER.

 

And yes, your H may decide its not worth saving and file for D. Honestly...who would blame him? But I bet he tries.

 

I did. I tried to save my M. And it did NOT fail because of her A...but rather her lies and deciet and refusing to face herself. If I recall, and I do, some of the more anti-WS's even tried at first to save their M's too.

 

I personally think you will be given that chance by your H. Use it wisely.

 

Of course...you can continue this path. Continue to lie and see an IC for the addiction to your lover and generally be stuck (from a marital perspective). Honestly jany...if your M doesn't get better where does that leave you? Answer: susceptible to another A.

 

To directly answer your question of how to move on and "forget" your OM. You do this by having a healthy M which overshadows the memory of the OM. Right now, your M hasn't changed (I bet its worse) and as such the OM again represents escape. Fix your M, fix yourself. Then the OM fades.

If you don't, imo, another man will simply fill the void down the road.

 

Oh...one last thing...you and your OM are each 50% culpable...knock off the "victim" mentality...you knew exactly what was happening and where it was going and happily went along.

[jwi71]

I have another question regarding this and this will probably pissed off some of you because I still care about what OM thinks. He stopped the relationship and he seems to be over me, and us completely. He doesn't flirt anymore and it has been a relatively clean break. However, when we thought of doing something together which will lower his inhibition, he doesn't want to because he doesn't trust himself. If he is over me, why is he afraid of that. Yes, I know people would disapprove of me still thinking about this but really, it's not taking a lot of energy out of me and I need to know! *sigh*

 

Oops.

 

I made a serious assumption in my above reply and this question reminded me of what happens when I assume.

 

Jany you are very focused on your OM.

 

Do you want your M to survive or have you filed for D and are moving on?

 

I kinda presumed you wanted to work on your M did but failed to ask...

[jany]

I am sorry. I do want to work on my marriage. Honestly, sometimes I do wonder what I want. I know I sound really stupid but I want my marriage and I want to continue the A. (Btw: does it constitute an A even - if all the things we did happen during work time and we never meet outside of work time?)

 

In any case, I know I can't have both. So, I need to focus on my marriage and clearly, I can't get over this guy and the only option is to leave work. Another question: If he leaves this position, do I still need to quit? Someone told me that even if he leaves, I should probably go too because I would be missing him and be miserable.

[jwi71]

I am sorry. I do want to work on my marriage.

 

Phew. I don't feel so dumb now.

 

What ACTIONS have you taken to work on your M?

What ACTIONS can you identify to save your M?

Honestly, sometimes I do wonder what I want.

 

Fair enough. I'm sure you will vacillate between extremes. Its ok to not kow...its not OK to sit idly wondering and debating which path to take...that is hell on Earth.

 

I know I sound really stupid but I want my marriage and I want to continue the A. (Btw: does it constitute an A even - if all the things we did happen during work time and we never meet outside of work time?)

 

The WS (wayward spouse) cannot define what is and is not an A. That's solely up to the BS (betrayed spouse). Ask him.

 

So, I need to focus on my marriage and clearly, I can't get over this guy and the only option is to leave work.

 

No...if he leaves I would have no problem with you staying. But I will tell you after 15 years in corporate America...people already know or at least suspect of your A. Can you live with that?

 

Another question: If he leaves this position, do I still need to quit?

 

See above.

 

Someone told me that even if he leaves, I should probably go too because I would be missing him and be miserable.

 

That's up to you and how strongly the place and places you were "Active" affect you. If you cannot handle it, then maybe move on.

 

I said it earlier and I'll say it again. The best way to forget is to have a M which surpasses the memory of the OM. And that takes work.

 

I would find and MC and ask your H along. Then confess. To me that is when your M can attempt to recover. Because right now...your M isn't any better and you are simply an A waiting to happen again. How can you change anything in your M if you dont change anything in your M?

[jany]

Other than seeing my counselor, I have not done anything specific to work on my marriage. Our sex lives has improve ever since my fling with the co-worker. I read that this is not uncommon. It sounds a little strange, but that's he truth. What actions can I identify to save my marriage? I think the most important is to leave my job and cut all contacts with my co-worker. In the meantime, I should stop doing lunch with him (which I still am - 1-2 a week) and try to limit conversation to work. I have failed miserably in NOT doing lunch and not talking as much. Which makes me really mad at myself sometimes. Why is it so difficult to control myself? I guess it does not help too that he is my best friend at work.

 

I am hoping that I don't have to confess to my husband even though I have been dropping hints by asking him on numerous occasions how he feels about cheating, affairs, etc. He's very trusting of him and that is why he is fine with the idea that I have a close guy co-worker. I hope to get over this fling/affair and move on. It's the moving on part that is so difficult. It's like I'm battling with all sorts of emotions. I am angry at myself, at him, and at the same time, I'm lusting for him. I'm feeling guilty and sometime even angry at my husband (I Know, completely unjustified). It's just so wrong and I cannot believe that one wrong action can be so detrimental.

[itspersonal]

Jany,

 

I think you know how destructive an affair is but a reminder never hurts. It is like being thrown under a bus for the spouse. It is the single most painful thing a spouse can do,,,the lies, the betrayal are horrific to find out about. Do either spouses know? What about this OM's wife? Are there kids involved? These questions and more should bring to mind the damage that this could do. I hope for you that you see that lust and love are very different and that the first leads you down a path of self hatred and destruction of lives. I wish you luck in letting go and putting into your marriage what you have put into the A. Find out what is wrong in your marriage and in you and then work on fixing it. Let this OM do the same before too many are destroyed. Good luck in doing the RIGHT THING!

[jany]

itspersonal: I am quite positive that his wife does not know about us. He has a two-year old son. Thanks for your word of encouragement. I need constant reminders of how destructive this is. The saddest thing is, I somehow have become this totally irrational and selfish person, and the only thing I care about is to be with him. It's like I don't have common sense. I really thought that time will heal everything and it has been six months since we met, and yet the feelings and urges are just as strong. In fact, for the past 2 weeks, they came back with a vengeance.

[HsMomma]

itspersonal: I am quite positive that his wife does not know about us. He has a two-year old son. Thanks for your word of encouragement. I need constant reminders of how destructive this is. The saddest thing is, I somehow have become this totally irrational and selfish person, and the only thing I care about is to be with him. It's like I don't have common sense. I really thought that time will heal everything and it has been six months since we met, and yet the feelings and urges are just as strong. In fact, for the past 2 weeks, they came back with a vengeance.

 

Jany,

 

I'm not trying to come down on you here, but you sound JUST like my exH - he wanted to have his cake & eat it too. Time isn't going to heal a thing - the only thing that will heal anything is for you to be honest...both to yourself & to your husband. You say you don't know what you want, but from what I'm reading, I know what you want. You want the OM and you want your husband. Problem is, that's not how life works. You are being selfish and unfair to your husband. Give him the choice to decide what he wants after you tell him you've had this affair & can't get the OM out of your mind/heart. You said earlier that you understand the destructive nature of what you've done/are doing, but I don't think you do. You can't know what it feels like to have the person you're married to want to be with someone else (or worse yet, have already been with someone else & can't/won't move beyond it).

 

Do the right thing - come clean with your husband and then let him decide if he thinks this marriage is worth saving.

[Owl]

I am sorry. I do want to work on my marriage. Honestly, sometimes I do wonder what I want. I know I sound really stupid but I want my marriage and I want to continue the A.

 

You can't. The two are mutually exclusive. You can't improve your marriage while maintaining an affair...that's like trying to swim north and south at the same time...it gets you nowhere.

 

Pick a direction and go.

 

Either work on your marriage, or work on your 'other' relationship.

 

Seriously...you're wasting time and effort if you don't. Decide what you want, and then work on that relationship, and end the other one. PERIOD.

 

(Btw: does it constitute an A even - if all the things we did happen during work time and we never meet outside of work time?)

 

Absolutely...look up the words "emotional affair" online. If you're still not sure...ask yourself what your husband would call this if he knew of it.

 

In any case, I know I can't have both. So, I need to focus on my marriage and clearly, I can't get over this guy and the only option is to leave work. Another question: If he leaves this position, do I still need to quit? Someone told me that even if he leaves, I should probably go too because I would be missing him and be miserable.

 

From my personal experience...no...just one or the other needs to leave. You'll suffer 'withdrawl' at the end of the affair, you'll go crazy with grief/depression/etc... regardless of whether or not you're still at the same job.

 

BUT...if your choice is your marriage...you ARE going to face an even bigger challenge.

 

Telling your husband.

 

I know...your therapist said it wouldn't do any good. But, your therapist IS NOT your marriage counselor. In fact, individual therapy is often counter-productive to marriage counseling. An IC isn't going to tell you what to do to improve your marriage, they're going to solely focus on what they think will make YOU feel better...even if there's a way that might be good for BOTH marriage and individual.

 

If you want to work on your marriage...get marriage counseling, and be prepared to tell the whole TRUTH of the situation.

 

If you lie, even by ommission...you're wasting time and money in marriage counseling, and the effort will be doomed to fail. If you simply cannot tell the truth...file for divorce.

[OFGnomore]

You can't. The two are mutually exclusive. You can't improve your marriage while maintaining an affair...that's like trying to swim north and south at the same time...it gets you nowhere.

 

Pick a direction and go.

 

Either work on your marriage, or work on your 'other' relationship.

 

Seriously...you're wasting time and effort if you don't. Decide what you want, and then work on that relationship, and end the other one. PERIOD.

 

 

 

Absolutely...look up the words "emotional affair" online. If you're still not sure...ask yourself what your husband would call this if he knew of it.

 

 

 

From my personal experience...no...just one or the other needs to leave. You'll suffer 'withdrawl' at the end of the affair, you'll go crazy with grief/depression/etc... regardless of whether or not you're still at the same job.

 

BUT...if your choice is your marriage...you ARE going to face an even bigger challenge.

 

Telling your husband.

 

I know...your therapist said it wouldn't do any good. But, your therapist IS NOT your marriage counselor. In fact, individual therapy is often counter-productive to marriage counseling. An IC isn't going to tell you what to do to improve your marriage, they're going to solely focus on what they think will make YOU feel better...even if there's a way that might be good for BOTH marriage and individual.

 

If you want to work on your marriage...get marriage counseling, and be prepared to tell the whole TRUTH of the situation.

 

If you lie, even by ommission...you're wasting time and money in marriage counseling, and the effort will be doomed to fail. If you simply cannot tell the truth...file for divorce.

 

Everything that Owl said.

[jany]

I had horrible withdrawal earlier this year when we put a stop to this A. It was like an addiction. I was depressed, sad, anxious, and I miss the rush and excitement of getting together with him. This all happened in January and February. In March and April, I was getting better. I still miss him but we were able to make the relationship work. It is extremely difficult to work with the person you just messed around with and act professionally. But we did and we stayed as good friends. But the past 2-3 weeks, I have been feeling horrible. I miss him so much and I have been having sleepless nights. No matter how much I try to not think about him, I can't seem to stop obsessing about him. It is so much easier said than done. For people who has never been in this position, they wouldn't understand the draw to the "drug." This past few days, my heart aches when I see him and it took every ounce of restraint of my part not to touch him.

 

The therapist that I saw was not just a regular counselor. When I called to find someone who can work with marriage issues, she was recommended. What was even weirder was that she was in the same position that I was in. She cheated on her husband, married the man, and later they divorced. I have asked her on numerous occasions if I should confess, and she thought that it would not do any help. She asked what I hope to achieve, and I guess my main reason was to show my husband that we seriously need help (I have expressed to my husband that we need help-but I guess he didn't think too much of it). It was in a way to get his attention. But, like my counselor said, it's quite self-serving. Esp. since it provides relief for me to get it off my chest.