Jump to content

to newlyweds or Wanting to "speak now" not "hold peace"


Recommended Posts

Hey all of you BSs, WSs, even OPs...

 

I'm just wondering if you ever feel bizarre when you go to weddings these days.

 

Heading to one this weekend, and I always (since having had an A) find myself fantasizing that when they get to the "speak now" part, I will stand up on my chair and say "Yeah! They should know that even if they think they will never, ever, ever cheat on each other and that they are not that kind of person, they could! And in fact, the more they think that about each other, the more likely they might be to find themselves right in a big s*** hole of pain."

 

It's a good thing they serve the liquor AFTER the ceremony, eh?

 

So, all you wise® people...what would you all say to the soon-to-be-wed if you could really tell them the truth that you think would make the biggest difference to them?

Link to post
Share on other sites

So, all you wise® people...what would you all say to the soon-to-be-wed if you could really tell them the truth that you think would make the biggest difference to them?

 

I think what I would say is this: make sure that you are marrying your best friend. Make sure that you treat your spouse the way you do your best girlfriend/guy friend - that is, with honesty, integrity & trust. Know that there will be times when you'll be angry, bored, not content, upset, pissed off, etc., but also know that there will be times when you'll be happy, content, well-loved, appreciated, etc. Make sure that you each try to keep the scales in favor of the latter and not the former. And, TALK - really, really TALK about what's important to you, what you need from the other and then LISTEN, and last of all, ACT. Know that being a spouse is one of the most important "jobs" in your life & treat it with the respect it deserves.

 

Probably WAY more than you wanted to hear, Eyeswide, but there it is! :)

Link to post
Share on other sites

I think it is a common misconception that anyone can or will cheat under the right circumstances. This may help WSs rationalize their decisons. But, I really doubt that a person with good character could do this.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I think it is a common misconception that anyone can or will cheat under the right circumstances. This may help WSs rationalize their decisons. But, I really doubt that a person with good character could do this.

 

I have to agree, Reggie - I don't think generalizing is a good idea. I don't believe that anymore than I believe that anyone can or will steal under the right circumstances either. Everyone is different & everyone deals with "circumstances" differently. But, I definitely don't believe we're all programmed to do something in the right set of circumstances - that would remove free will from the equation, and would mean that we don't have the ability to choose what we do.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
I think what I would say is this: make sure that you are marrying your best friend. Make sure that you treat your spouse the way you do your best girlfriend/guy friend - that is, with honesty, integrity & trust. Know that there will be times when you'll be angry, bored, not content, upset, pissed off, etc., but also know that there will be times when you'll be happy, content, well-loved, appreciated, etc. Make sure that you each try to keep the scales in favor of the latter and not the former. And, TALK - really, really TALK about what's important to you, what you need from the other and then LISTEN, and last of all, ACT. Know that being a spouse is one of the most important "jobs" in your life & treat it with the respect it deserves.

 

Probably WAY more than you wanted to hear, Eyeswide, but there it is! :)

 

Not at all, HsM, not at all...and I think that it is very easy to forget that you need to keep talking, listening and acting -- even when you think you've heard it all -- is critical...

 

I did marry my best friend. Thank goodness for that -- otherwise I don't think we'd be able to be working on rebuilding the marriage. That core of friendship has always been there -- we lost track of a lot of the other things but we never stopped loving the person we had once known.

 

But I also think the fact that we both just assumed that neither of us was capable of this kind of behavior was probably foolhardiness in the highest degree.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
I think it is a common misconception that anyone can or will cheat under the right circumstances. This may help WSs rationalize their decisons. But, I really doubt that a person with good character could do this.

 

I never said that, Reggie. Nor did I mean to imply it. I think it was hubris, though, to think I was somehow immune to that kind of temptation and that the very notion that my husband and I were both somehow "not that kind of person" blinded me to a lot of my self. It was probably the same part of my self where deep needs were going unsatisfied and I wasn't saying or doing a damned thing about it. At least not with the person I should have been.

 

Of course, I sometimes have the impression, Reggie, that you think there is some kind of character test -- some bright line -- that sorts the cheaters from the rest. Too bad you can't actually develop some sort of device for doing this. It could be like sexing chick eggs -- you could hold us up to a candle and look for the cheater-mark. Then we could all go live on an island where we'd never hurt anyone, huh?

Link to post
Share on other sites
But I also think the fact that we both just assumed that neither of us was capable of this kind of behavior was probably foolhardiness in the highest degree.

 

I can see your point, Eyeswide. Assumptions are very rarely good things - that's why I stress the importance of open and good communication. Then, there's no need to assume - if both parties are communicating, everybody should be on the same page and hopefully, that means that having an affair won't occur. I don't judge people who've had affairs, as I realize that no one really knows what's going on in a marriage except the two people in it. I just thank God that I'm not in that situation any more (being a BS once was enough for me). I'm glad that you've been able to move beyond that though:)

Link to post
Share on other sites
I never said that, Reggie. Nor did I mean to imply it. I think it was hubris, though, to think I was somehow immune to that kind of temptation and that the very notion that my husband and I were both somehow "not that kind of person" blinded me to a lot of my self. It was probably the same part of my self where deep needs were going unsatisfied and I wasn't saying or doing a damned thing about it. At least not with the person I should have been.

 

Of course, I sometimes have the impression, Reggie, that you think there is some kind of character test -- some bright line -- that sorts the cheaters from the rest. Too bad you can't actually develop some sort of device for doing this. It could be like sexing chick eggs -- you could hold us up to a candle and look for the cheater-mark. Then we could all go live on an island where we'd never hurt anyone, huh?

 

No, I do not think there is a test, and, I do not hold myself out as someone that could never cheat. Perhaps, I could. Just do not know. I hope not.

It is unfortunate that so many of life's lessons are learned at the expense of others. I have myriad examples of my past behavior that I deeply regret.

Now that I seem to have become obsessed with learning about this infidelity phenomenon, I can see that there may be some markers for this predilection, most notably a history of cheating in some capacity. But, there seem to be others, like poor communications skills, bad work history, bad credit, promiscuity in youth, lying about inconsequential things. These do not apply to all people, but I will try to use them for the future.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Hey all of you BSs, WSs, even OPs...

 

I'm just wondering if you ever feel bizarre when you go to weddings these days.

 

Heading to one this weekend, and I always (since having had an A) find myself fantasizing that when they get to the "speak now" part, I will stand up on my chair and say "Yeah! They should know that even if they think they will never, ever, ever cheat on each other and that they are not that kind of person, they could! And in fact, the more they think that about each other, the more likely they might be to find themselves right in a big s*** hole of pain."

 

It's a good thing they serve the liquor AFTER the ceremony, eh?

 

So, all you wise® people...what would you all say to the soon-to-be-wed if you could really tell them the truth that you think would make the biggest difference to them?

 

 

I've felt like this before, but not as a warning to them to never get married. Just to let them know that life happens. That 80% of marriages experience some type of infidelity even if some of the betrayed never find out. To let them know that THEY might even be the one that cheats.

 

I mean, who gets married thinking they might cheat? I know some people that get married knowing they plan on cheating, but most people don't imagine that they have cheating in them.

 

But, usually, I get the chance to get to know the couple either before or after the marriage when we can speak candidly without causing a scene at their wedding. LOL

Link to post
Share on other sites
Hey all of you BSs, WSs, even OPs...

 

I'm just wondering if you ever feel bizarre when you go to weddings these days.

 

Heading to one this weekend, and I always (since having had an A) find myself fantasizing that when they get to the "speak now" part, I will stand up on my chair and say "Yeah! They should know that even if they think they will never, ever, ever cheat on each other and that they are not that kind of person, they could! And in fact, the more they think that about each other, the more likely they might be to find themselves right in a big s*** hole of pain."

 

It's a good thing they serve the liquor AFTER the ceremony, eh?

 

So, all you wise® people...what would you all say to the soon-to-be-wed if you could really tell them the truth that you think would make the biggest difference to them?

 

<Note to self: Must not invite Eyeswide to my wedding> LOL...just kidding, eyeswide!

 

Now to your question: I will forever hold my peace if I didnt have the guts to tell the groom or bride pertinent information way BEFORE the ceremony. Why make a spectacle during the ceremony? Unless if the "pertinent information" happened just moments before the ceremony....even then, I would probably tell the celebrant ( or whoever is officiating the wedding) for him to tell the couple.....who better to tell the couple than a man of god?

Link to post
Share on other sites
bentnotbroken

Though I have been tempted to cheat, wanted to cheat, I could justify it in my mind and heart. I would probably tell the couple(long before the ceremony) there are 3 in a marriage, you, your spouse and God. If one of you is ignored, lost in the daily grind or dismissed as too much work, then your marriage is serious trouble.

Link to post
Share on other sites
<Note to self: Must not invite Eyeswide to my wedding> LOL...just kidding, eyeswide!

 

That was funny!:D

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...