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feelings of insecurity or is it something else?


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my wife and i are both 35 yrs old. we are high school sweet hearts, happily married, and have been together for 21yrs. we have a son 17 and a daughter 14. our relationship seems to be rock solid. we can talk about anything. she is truly my soulmate and she tells me that her feelings are mutual.

 

ever since my daughter's first 13 yr old boyfriend entered our lives, which was about 3 months ago, things have not been the same. i dont object with my daughter having a boyfriend but i do object with the way my wife is allowing them to be so intimate. i dont know if its me but everytime he's here my wife lights up like a candle. she constantly boasts on how good looking he is. she subtly takes his side on issues which he and myself disagree. on one or two occassions, i saw her whisper something in his ear. he sleeps over whenever he feels like it (although i recently limited this to the weekends) she takes him to all of his engagements(basketball practice, football games, etc) my daughter goes with her most of the time.

 

but sometimes she doesnt. recently she's been doing something peculiar. when my wife is out with them, she brings my daughter home first then takes him home. she takes 30 minutes to an hour sometimes longer to drive two miles! she has a different "legitimate" excuse everytime.i have confronted her about all of these issues and she claims she is just helping out a friend who's a working single mom.

 

ever since he's entered our lives she seems more distant. she is not as intimate. she sleeps on the couch for no apparent reason. she spends a lot more time "running errands". when he's here on the weekends, the three of them stay up all night talking, laughing,and just having a good ole time. she blames all of this on her illness and medication.

 

my wife suffers from severe fybromialgia and depression. she takes heavy dosages of the antideppresant Paxil among other medications. am i just suffering from some sort of ridiculous feelings of insecurity or is there something more?

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Your wife's behavior is totally inappropriate here. She's obviously been hitting the Paxil a bit much.

 

There is no doubt in my mind that something's going on between her and the 13 year old boyfriend of your daughter. It could very well be illegal.

 

I am not a controlling person at all but in this I would put my foot down and have the cease being so flirtatious at your home...no more candles...no more nightovers....and YOU take him home.

 

Furthermore, it is BEYOND inappropriate that this kid be staying overnight at your home so often. Uh, just what planet was he and your wife raised on.

 

You might even go so far as to notify school authorities so they can monitor your daughter's activities with this kid at school.

 

This is stuff of trailer trash, a la Jerry Springer, and it stinks real bad. You've got a problem of major dimensions. Clean it up now before somebody goes to jail...or worse...gets pregnant. (And I don't know which female in your home might get pregnant first by this kid)

 

Blaming all this immoral behavior on the Paxil is just a plain crock of crap. Of course, you could always sue the manufacturer for support of any resultant bambino...but I hope you will very discretely intervene before your wife goes to jail for contributing to the deliquency of a minor...or worse...stautory rape.

 

This is very serious. Just keep your cool in putting your foot down. Kudos for recognizing that something's wrong. Of course, a 13 year old could have done that....but kudos anyway.

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HokeyReligions

Your wife's illness might be an explanation, but it is certainly no justification.

 

I just can't imagine a parent letting their 14 y/o daughter's 13 y/o boyfriend spend the night! And what about this kids parents? Have you talked to them?

 

I would talk to your daughter, talk to her school and appraise them of the situation so that they can keep an eye on both kids, and talk to your wife's doctors. They might not be able to tell you anything but if they know what's going on they might be able to talk to your wife.

 

Do you have any religious affiliations - could you talk to a minister or priest or rabbi or someone? What about your wife's parents or your own? You might be able to find some support there and maybe even intervention if that is needed.

 

This behavior needs to stop and since its something so sudden it may very well have to do with illness and medication - those things can severly impair judgement and decision making and even rationality.

 

Get some help for you and for your wife, and you may need to get some therapy for your kids too - this situation does not sound healthy.

 

Good Luck

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the boys mother is a single mom who feels that its ok for her 13yr old to have sexual relations as long as he's protected. my wife agrees. she claims by letting him stay the night the environment is more conducive to them having safe sex. she goes on to say that if we stop him from staying the night, they (my daughter and he) are going to sneak around and due to the uncontrolled environment they may happen to find themselves in, go on and have unprotected sex.

 

i totally disagree. children that age arent mentally, emotionally, and often times physically ready to take on the heavy phsychological burdens of a sexual relationship especially outside of marriage. i am a peacemaker at heart but i may have to step outside myself and handle this with more assertiveness.

 

i will get to the bottom of whats going on between the boy and my wife. i appreciate all the feedback. thank you

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This is some weird stuff. Your wife could be molesting a 13 year old boy! Next time she drops off your daughter and takes the boy home, follow them and see what they do. Be very discreet though! Let us know what happens! I can't wait!!

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I think the fact that your 14 year old has a 13 year old boyfriend to be odd enough. When I was 14, I went to the movies with my boyfriend...with my mom chaperoning....wtf is up with this???

 

The more I read, the more odd this story gets....be a man, show your ass, dont let this crap happen, WTF? This is your daughter and when this 13 year old CHILD gets your CHILD pregnant, YOU will be raising ANOTHER CHILD!!!

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If I were in your situation I would take whatever measures are necessary to sever this boy's connection from your family entirely. The notion that you should not lay down certain rules for fear that you'll be defied is absolutely absurd. I hate to say, "when I was a kid," but the truth is my parents (my father in particular) had no qualms about saying "this is unacceptable, and you will not do it." If we so much as hinted that we were going to do it anyway we would be grounded for as long as he felt was necessary to impress in our heads that until we were 18 we lived under his rules. A lot of people (your wife included) seem to be under the impression that if you put restrictions on your children they are more likely to act out. This is simply untrue. Allowing your children any latitude on an issue as important as sex is just going to give the impression you condone it. If they want to have sex, letting them sleep in the same room is just going to make it easier for them.

 

I am not a fan of waving a big club around (proverbially of course) and stomping your feet, but I definetly believe strict consequences deter bad behavior more than embracing it on a lower scale. The way this young boy behaves with your wife is a perfect reason why he should not be trusted with your daughter.

 

Finally, if it's at all possible I would encourage your wife to explain her feelings to her doctor and solicit feedback from him (surely he will not condone her behavior). While she is doing this I would work on removing this boy from your lives and repairing whatever damage his presence has done.

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Mamma2twogirls

I did the same with my fiance, I would stay the night, of course without my mothers permission, but that was how we wound up pregnant at 17. So, allowing that, certainly does NOT promote safe sex, or the encouragement to have safe sex, it allows more frequent access to sex, period. Neither of us thought TWICE about using a condom, simply because we were given the freedom to spend the night together. Now as for her illness, I am not familiar with it, but I do take PAXIL for GAD, so it is not a general med for depression, its taken for anxiety problems. Just had to add my two cents on that one.

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HokeyReligions
Originally posted by jay

the boys mother is a single mom who feels that its ok for her 13yr old to have sexual relations as long as he's protected. my wife agrees. she claims by letting him stay the night the environment is more conducive to them having safe sex. she goes on to say that if we stop him from staying the night, they (my daughter and he) are going to sneak around and due to the uncontrolled environment they may happen to find themselves in, go on and have unprotected sex.

 

Okay, I'll say it. This is wrong. Period. Full Stop.

 

Did either of your parents utter the phrase "if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you do it? " to you when you were growing up?

 

Providing sterilized syringes and cutting your own coke or heroin at home would be safer than sharing a needle on the street - but you still end up with a junkie.

 

Your whole family needs some help and you should set the example for everyone to follow and insist that they DO follow. Get some counseling along with medical checkups. I don't know where you live, but in my state your child (& the boy) could be removed from their homes because it's considered abuse - even if YOU personally are not laying a hand on her, you are allowing it.

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Originally posted by HokeyReligions

Providing sterilized syringes and cutting your own coke or heroin at home would be safer than sharing a needle on the street - but you still end up with a junkie.

 

Very well said, and great example. I think i'll emphasize it a bit more

 

Originally posted by HokeyReligions

Providing sterilized syringes and cutting your own coke or heroin at home would be safer than sharing a needle on the street - but you still end up with a junkie.

 

Originally posted by HokeyReligions

Providing sterilized syringes and cutting your own coke or heroin at home would be safer than sharing a needle on the street - but you still end up with a junkie.

 

Originally posted by HokeyReligions

Providing sterilized syringes and cutting your own coke or heroin at home would be safer than sharing a needle on the street - but you still end up with a junkie.

 

Hehe.... You get the message right?

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