Wifes emotional affair what do I do

[Shockedhusband]

I will try not to make this very long

 

I started to become suspicious something was going on about three weeks ago when my W got really upset with me over a small fight we had over painting the front room of our house. Usually our fights like that end quick we apologize and that the end of it. Well she was cold to me the following day and the rest of the week and the week after that.

 

Last Tuesday we had the neighbors over for dinner and drinks and my wife got a bit drunk. She was sending some text messages to someone and was very protective of her phone. I wasn't even trying to look at it.

 

Prior to this she had mentioned to me that she needed the text message limit raised on her phone due to the large amount of text messages that she was receiving from people at work. It was either Wednesday or Thursday after we had the neighbors over that I went on the site to make the change and noticed all of these messages were coming from one number and that she had been making calls and texting after I was in bed. I went back through the records and it seems that all of this communication really heated up around March....about the same time things really started going down hill at home.

 

On Friday I came home and told her we needed to talk because things were not right with our relationship. She told me that things have not been good and that she tried to talk to me before about all of this but I wouldn't listen. She wasn't happy with the amount of stuff I do around the house and she said she felt like my mother. She said she dreaded coming home because we don't talk and all we do is fight. I told her I didn't feel comfortable with all of these text messages and phone calls from a certain number. Her reply was that it was a male friend from work who was helping her work out some issues she was having with me.

 

Last Saturday we went out for a friends birthday and she got hammered and passed out at home. I took that opportunity to go through some messages on her phone. It turns out she had met up with this guy for lunch earlier that day while she was out shopping for her girlfriends bachelorete party. She had erased most of the messages but i did find some that she sent to him that day

 

-I want to kiss you too

-I want to come back there so badly

-It was meant to be, just chose to ignore it

-I know it feels right, things happen for a reason

 

I confrontered her about it and she swears up and down that nothing happened that they are just friends. She says I am taking the messages out of context that I didn't read what she was replying too. Excuse me!!!!

I don't know about any of you but I don't really think you can take those messages out of context.

 

We talked about it over the weekend a bit and I did not get the feeling that she had any remorse for what happened. Her continued excuse was he is just a friend and she was not getting what she wanted at home so she went somewhere else to get it.

 

She aksed if we could try couseling so I called a therapist and talked with him but I made my wife make the appointment. After which I told her I was willing to work my ass of to adress the underlying problems in our marriage but she had to end contact with this dude and admit to me that the relationship was extremely innapropriate. She was pissed at that telling me that it was unfair to put an ultimatum on her.

 

She is still contacting this dude, I think yesterday they exchaged over 40 text messages thoughout the day and some phone calls. She works with this guy so stopping all contact is unforseeable but she still won't admit to me that she did anything wrong and throws it back in my face.

 

I am at my wits end, I have giver her my bottom line but she does not seem to get it. We have one on ones with our MC next week but at this point i aqm not sure where this will go.

[carhill]

Try reading the marriagebuilders web site. There are good strategies for ending affairs and rebuilding your M.

 

Any children?

[Reggie]

Rest assured you have this right. She is having an affair, at least an EA and there is a good possibility it has gone physical. Regardless, no doubt she is cheating.

I agree, go to marriagebuilders to see the steps that must be taken. Exposure to the OM's wife, if he has one, and to family and friends is critical to end this thing.

And, just watch how pissed she gets. You will be villified by her and she will threaten you with divorce as retaliation.

But, you should not fear her anger. Rather, it is her affair that threatens your marriage. You can deal with anger but not with competing against some guy that she has on a pedestal.

[Untouchable_Fire]

She wasn't happy with the amount of stuff I do around the house and she said she felt like my mother. She said she dreaded coming home because we don't talk and all we do is fight. I told her I didn't feel comfortable with all of these text messages and phone calls from a certain number. Her reply was that it was a male friend from work who was helping her work out some issues she was having with me.

 

She is just unhappy because you don't do enough work around the house?

 

Your wife is full of crap. This guy is not just a friend, otherwise she would stop talking to him right away.

 

What is the status of this guy she is constantly texting? Is he single, married, or have a GF?

[five&dime]

Sorry, friend, for your discovery. I can tell you with authority, being in the 10th month of a similar situation with my wife and a co-worker of hers who still have daily contact, brace yourself for a brutal ride. And I see that your brutal ride has already begun. "We had issues with our marriage!" you've already been told (i.e. this is YOUR fault)..."we're just friends" (the worst 3-word statement in the history of man; you'll hear that a lot. ALOT.) It's just beginning for you, I fear.

 

Feel free to read some of my earlier threads if you want to see what might be on your horizon should your wife and the object of her affection at work not end all contact and permanently. Maybe you will prove to be a better man than me. My apparent "emotional retardation" of not being able to "...look at this 'friendship' (i.e. AFFAIR!) as merely a 'symptom' of bigger underlying issues in the marriage..." and to "...focus on those issues instead of her 'FRIENDSHIP'..." has led us down the darkest path of our 20-year marriage, and one that very well may not be salvagable.

 

I wish you well and recommend that you learn as much as you can about everything. And brace yourself for an onslaught of denials and minimization about her 'friendship'. You're in for quite a ride. Sorry.

[lkjh]

Stick to your guns. Do not hide this either, she will tell everyone that this is your fault. She will make it seem like you guys have had problems for years and that you are just not willing to try. Also, confront this guy.

[Shockedhusband]

I am going to try and address some of the posts

 

The guy she is talking with and texting with is a recently divorced guy, probably around 8 months ago. I think his wife was cheating on him.

 

Secondly we had our first trip to the marriage couselor and to me that really wasn't that productive. He talked about the two of us having wounds, hers being chronic (unhappiness with the marriage) and mine being acute (EA with co-worker) and we have to deal with both.

 

My wife says she has tried to talk with me about unhappiness with the marriage but I wouldn't listen to her. This is bull***** if she had come to me with a real problem I would have dropped everything to listen to her.

 

I have given her my bottom line about no contact with the OM but like I said she rejects that idea. I have talked with her mother, she is broken up about this whole ordeal. She suggested I take my wife out on a date or buy her flowers. I told her mother that would only enable the relationship.

 

I think deep down my wife knows she has done something wrong and that hardest part is getting her to realize that. Deep down I don't think she meant any of this to happen, but it happened and now we have to deal with it.

 

what is the website for marriage builders?

[Dexter Morgan]

She aksed if we could try couseling so I called a therapist and talked with him but I made my wife make the appointment. After which I told her I was willing to work my ass of to adress the underlying problems in our marriage but she had to end contact with this dude and admit to me that the relationship was extremely innapropriate. She was pissed at that telling me that it was unfair to put an ultimatum on her.

 

Meaning she doesn't want to break contact with the other man. Which also means couseling is a waste of time and money unless she breaks ties with him.

 

hell, you'd be justified in dropping an ultimatum that she start looking for another job.

 

Amazing...she gets mad at you for wanting her to stop contacting the other man. Maybe divorce is in the cards for you then.

 

 

She is still contacting this dude, I think yesterday they exchaged over 40 text messages thoughout the day and some phone calls. She works with this guy so stopping all contact is unforseeable but she still won't admit to me that she did anything wrong and throws it back in my face.

 

 

Then you need to throw the theat of divorce in her face, but only if you are willing to go through with it.

 

You think she would put up with you having an emotional affair and refusing to break contact with another woman?

 

 

I am at my wits end, I have giver her my bottom line but she does not seem to get it.

 

Maybe she'll get it if served papers?

 

 

We have one on ones with our MC next week but at this point i aqm not sure where this will go.

 

You tell the counselor that she refuses to break contact with the OM, gets angry at that expectation, and throws things back in your face.

 

I don't think any counselor that isn't a quack would ever advice that keeping in contact with an affair partner is an acceptable thing. Counseling is a waste as long as she continues to contact him.

 

Or better yet....maybe YOU should contact him. Is this guy married? if so, rat him out to his wife. If your so-called wife refuses to stop disrespecting you then maybe by ratting him out you will stir the snake pit. And if you do rat him out, and your wife gets angry with you...then THERE is your answer. And if she gets angry with you for getting him into trouble, I'd just tell her....."pack your things and get out".

[a4a]

Hi Shocked,

 

I could imagine many of the posts on LS being written by my own H.

Yours could be one of them.

 

I see three sides to every story here.... his/hers/truth.

 

But really are you that shocked?

 

Did she just come out of the blue with this?

 

I can tell you right now if you are anything like my own H half of this is indeed your fault.

 

See my H is happy in our M. He should be. He gets what he wants basically and does what he wants. He pretty much ignores anything I say or request.

 

Unlike your own W though I have not had a EA/PA or even a ABC. I have told him outright that if someone comes along don't be shocked if I take that offer up.

 

Have you really listened?

 

You also sound just like my H with the MC thing. He just went for show. Never took one bit of advice and put it to use. This just goes along with his other behavior that he ignores other peoples needs, wants, and desires.

 

 

Are you sure you are a perfect angel in this R?

 

You can't fix your half until you figure out what is broken on your half.

[jwi71]

 

I can tell you right now if you are anything like my own H half of this is indeed your fault.

 

OP, ignore this drivel. Her A, and its an A, is ENTIRELY HER FAULT.

YOU ARE CULPABLE FOR NOTHING. You neither deserved this nor "earned" this.

 

You can't fix your half until you figure out what is broken on your half.

While the sentiment of the BS contributing to a less than perfect M has some truth, YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR HER A.

 

Its all on your WS. Always remember that despite the myriad of options open to her, she CHOSE to cheat. She could have offered MC herself no? Had she proven sufficently unhappy, she could just as easily filed for D. Other options open to her - yet she will blameshift and excuse it away. a4a's post is a great example of what you will hear. And none of it is true.

[Shockedhusband]

No I am not a perfect angel in all of this, I admit that and I have admitted that to my wife. After I found the messages I was pissed but I had a day or two to really calm down and think things through. I love what we have together and I am willing to fight for that. I made it well known to her I was committed to work though this episode in our marriage and work on the underlying problems within our marriage

 

I can not do that with her still being emotionally involved with the OM. I am sure she didn't mean for any of this to happen but it happened. Their relationship didn't start out like this but as it developed she got happier and happier. The more she got the more she craved and still does crave.

 

My wife has battled depression since I have known her and it makes it hard, because deep down it doesn't matter what I do she is not going to be happy and right now she is riding and high with the OM and she does not want that to end and sitting here watching it happen is killing me

[a4a]

No I am not a perfect angel in all of this, I admit that and I have admitted that to my wife. After I found the messages I was pissed but I had a day or two to really calm down and think things through. I love what we have together and I am willing to fight for that. I made it well known to her I was committed to work though this episode in our marriage and work on the underlying problems within our marriage

 

I can not do that with her still being emotionally involved with the OM. I am sure she didn't mean for any of this to happen but it happened. Their relationship didn't start out like this but as it developed she got happier and happier. The more she got the more she craved and still does crave.

 

My wife has battled depression since I have known her and it makes it hard, because deep down it doesn't matter what I do she is not going to be happy and right now she is riding and high with the OM and she does not want that to end and sitting here watching it happen is killing me

 

If you are committed to working it out with her than take the MC thing serious. I think what the MC said is brilliant! Your wife has a chronic case and yours is acute.... dead on!

 

was your wife really diagnosed with depression or did the family doctor or an aunt or cosmo magazine diagnose this?

 

I also so in your post that you said if your wife had a real problem that she brought to you - you would drop everything to deal with it.

 

What you may percieve as a real problem may not be what in her eyes is a real problem. So you very well could be neglecting the real problem she brings to the table for you to confront as a partnership.

 

Betting before this episode with the textman if I would have asked you to rate your M on a scale of 1-10 you likely would have been rating it at a 7 or above. Ask your wife the same question and she may have answered 5 or below.

 

See just because you are doing good in the M and enjoying the way it is going doesn't mean your spouse is.

 

Take the heat off your W for a bit. What she is doing is bad bad bad. We all know that. Hang the witch...... stone her...... dump her....... kick her out.

 

That is what you are going to hear from many here. They are projecting their own failurs onto your situation.

 

Now you need to draw some boundaries with the understanding that it is also partly your doing that your M is now failing.

 

Right now she is seeing the light through the gloom and she doesn't believe things will be better in your M. Textman is the answer to her problems right now...... someone who makes her feel good- gives her what you don't or quit giving.

 

 

How long has she really been unhappy in the M? You can't answer this unless you ask her. Unless she told you and you chose to ignore it.

 

 

BTW I could probably be labeled as depressed myself right now. But I am not. I am just really pissed and resentful!

[Have to Wonder]

Speaking to you as the WS, I have to say that, sometimes NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO, it's not going to keep your W from making this choice. The one thing I've learned from both posting here & from my counselors is that WS's can justify just about anything in their own minds. Lord knows I did. I don't think you can take BLAME necessarily for HER choices...I totally agree that each person has a stake in making a marriage work, but choices like this can be (and usually are) made by only one of you. You need to keep your chin up, knowing you're doing the best you can do to fight for your relationship. MC has been a wonderful tool for my H & for me as well as for both of us as a couple. But, it takes effort & dedication from both parties to truly be beneficial.

 

I wish you luck & hope that you can do what's right for both of you.

[Shockedhusband]

No she was clinically diagnosed with depression and was taking meds but stopped about 6 months after being married

[Owl]

What consequences has your wife suffered from continuing to contact this guy?

 

I'm guessing...none.

 

So she's got no REASON to change. Just some empty threats on your part.

 

Personally, I suggest you drop the bomb on her.

 

Take a day off work...go home while she's working...and pack her stuff up. Print out her cell phone bill with all of her recent texts highlighted, and pile this on top of her stuff that's sitting on the porch. Change the locks on the door...and remove her from all the bank accounts and take every measure to protect your finances.

 

Then let her come home and see her stuff sitting there. When she goes ballistic, calmly tell her that you had informed her that you weren't going to continue a marriage with her if she maintained contact with this man...she maintained contact, so you assumed she'd made her decision. You just helped her out.

 

Harsh? Yes.

 

Will it drive the piont home? YES.

 

And this is what she needs.

 

It will have one of two end results...either it'll be a massive wake up call, and the two of you might have a chance at recovery, or nothing will "wake her up"...but you'll have accomplished a huge step towards moving on.

 

Either outcome is to your benefit...you don't lose.

 

If you just continue on the way that you are...nothing will change. Is that really what you want?

[Owl]

Oh...I forgot one key critical step here...exposure.

 

Who does she have in her life that she respects, that would NOT support her affair? Friends, family?

 

Contact them...tell them that you're fighting for your marriage, and that you need their help. Explain the whole situation to them...and ask them to help you by NOT supporting her affair, and getting her to start focusing on her marriage rather than her boyfriend.

 

Make sure that you make the message that you're trying to save your marriage clear...don't make any of it sound vindictive but rather as a plea for help for the marriage.

[a4a]

No she was clinically diagnosed with depression and was taking meds but stopped about 6 months after being married

 

When is the next MC appt.

 

Btw you can always kick her out, stone her, hang her, and tell her she is a whore later. Keep your head on.

[Shockedhusband]

Next week we have individual meets with our counselor

[a4a]

Next week we have individual meets with our counselor

 

Good- in the meantime do read the Marriage builders site.

 

You are going to get very angry - then feel guilty - then angry - then guilty----

 

Don't rush toward anything that you cannot undo right now.

 

She does need to stop this texting crap with this guy.

 

You can do that by threat and following up on it.

You can ask that she stops.

You can wait it out.

You could indeed expose it.

 

You know your wife and what her reaction will be. But I suggest you follow the advice of a professional. Not my advice nor any other person here.

 

But do keep your head cool right now.

 

 

 

You need to find out why she got involved with textman.

 

Maybe you should ask her. Listen.... just listen.

[lkjh]

Do not let her blame you for this. Cheaters always claim that they tried to talk to you when they didn't. Expose this affair and don't take any s***. SHe has to feel what she is doing

[Bryanp]

If the roles were reversed, do you think your wife would be so accepting in you keeping in contact with your affair partner? I doubt it. Her attitude shows total disrespect for you. If you do not respect yourself then who will? No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change.

[travelgirl]

I agree with Owl. My H had an EA with a girl at work and I regret how long it took me to draw the line in the sand. My fear was that I would look worse in his eyes, instead of thinking about my own worth and self-respect. Those 40 or so days of both of us playing games and beating around the bush (like you are currently doing) now hurt worse then the initial betrayal. I finally kicked him out and with a 7 year old daughter it took a lot of guts. But I can tell you this. We would not be together today if I didn't. He realized the consequences of his actions, he came out of the affair fog and worked 24/7 to repair our marriage. I was able to fix what was wrong on my end and not play the doormat. I felt stronger and was able to decide what I really wanted. We are currently still in MC but only once a month and are doing very well. Not everyone can come out of it together but I can tell you this, you need to draw that line in the sand. Everytime you make a false threat, it is just more leverage for her to walk all over you like a doormat. Right now, he is the good fun guy and you are the doormat annoying husband. That is how she sees it. She has her cake and you are letting her eat it too. She was wrong to have the affair, YOU are wrong for letting it continue.

 

Oh and don't be a fool that she still has to have some contact with him. If she wants to fix her marriage, she needs to find another job or make sure she isn't working together with him anymore. That needs to be part of your "agreement" if she wants to come back to you.

 

But I would look more into this if I were you. My H's texts were nothing on the lines of kissing and "meant to be." They were more casual and I did enough sluthing to know it was just a crush kinda friendship and after more sluthing, I realized there was no PA. Those texts sounds like there could be some PA going on. I would investigate thoroughly.

 

Good luck

[2sunny]

What consequences has your wife suffered from continuing to contact this guy?

 

I'm guessing...none.

 

So she's got no REASON to change. Just some empty threats on your part.

 

Personally, I suggest you drop the bomb on her.

 

Take a day off work...go home while she's working...and pack her stuff up. Print out her cell phone bill with all of her recent texts highlighted, and pile this on top of her stuff that's sitting on the porch. Change the locks on the door...and remove her from all the bank accounts and take every measure to protect your finances.

 

Then let her come home and see her stuff sitting there. When she goes ballistic, calmly tell her that you had informed her that you weren't going to continue a marriage with her if she maintained contact with this man...she maintained contact, so you assumed she'd made her decision. You just helped her out.

 

Harsh? Yes.

 

Will it drive the piont home? YES.

 

And this is what she needs.

 

It will have one of two end results...either it'll be a massive wake up call, and the two of you might have a chance at recovery, or nothing will "wake her up"...but you'll have accomplished a huge step towards moving on.

 

Either outcome is to your benefit...you don't lose.

 

If you just continue on the way that you are...nothing will change. Is that really what you want?

 

from experience - this is the only way to keep your self respect and allow things to move forward the way they will play out.

 

if the boundary isn't determined early on, she will have the idea that your words are nothing (i'm sure she already does - since she's still in contact with him). set the boundary firmly and stick to it. she thinks she can do what she wants and you will sit by idly until she does whatever she pleases... knowing you love her and will put up with her crap.

 

she has stated with words and actions that she intends to disregard you and disrespect you in order to get what she wants. is that a woman that you want by your side?

 

you need to move on this as soon as possible... any more waiting shows her that bad behavior is perfectly acceptable to you. that's what YOUR actions are telling her now.

[Athena]

But I suggest you follow the advice of a professional. Not my advice nor any other person here.

 

Interesting -- do the professionals actually give advice? I mean the psychologists?

My counselor never advises me or 'tells me what to do' it's frustrating.

[Reggie]

Hi Shocked,

 

I could imagine many of the posts on LS being written by my own H.

Yours could be one of them.

 

I see three sides to every story here.... his/hers/truth.

 

But really are you that shocked?

 

Did she just come out of the blue with this?

 

I can tell you right now if you are anything like my own H half of this is indeed your fault.

 

See my H is happy in our M. He should be. He gets what he wants basically and does what he wants. He pretty much ignores anything I say or request.

 

Unlike your own W though I have not had a EA/PA or even a ABC. I have told him outright that if someone comes along don't be shocked if I take that offer up.

 

Have you really listened?

 

You also sound just like my H with the MC thing. He just went for show. Never took one bit of advice and put it to use. This just goes along with his other behavior that he ignores other peoples needs, wants, and desires.

 

 

Are you sure you are a perfect angel in this R?

 

You can't fix your half until you figure out what is broken on your half.

 

 

This is complete projection. This poster knows nothing of you and your willingness to listen. This post is, essentially, addressed to her H and has no relevance to your situation. She knows nothing about you.