Spark1111 Posted April 30, 2009 Share Posted April 30, 2009 In the course of finally discussing the details of my WS 1.5 year affair with a work colleague, I asked, "Did she ever ask you if we were still physically intimate, what did you say and what was the outcome?" Answer: "Yes, she asked and I said, 'Yes,' and she was very disappointed." Me: "But she still had sex with you?" Him: "Yes." WTF? He swears he never talked separation from me, or a future with her to her, and she never asked for it. Those of you who have read my postings know well how hard I have tried to forgive this women,to give her every concession as a single mother raising a difficult child who fell for a kind, but depressed man, my husband at a very rough time in our relationship. Unfortunately, the more I learn of her, the less I respect her and her motivations. I could except that she felt this was the love of her life and hoped for a future with him and was devastated when it didn't pan out. She's highly educated and somewhat religious, forcryin'outloud! But the more I learn, the more I believe he used her to of course, make himself feel better. She told him often and frequently how wonderful he was., and in my heart I know he was in love with her. But now I am coming to believe she used him too! For trips and limos, gifts, attention, and whatever else she was lacking in her sad and lonely, post bitter divorce life. I now think all those romantic texts full of passion was, what? Game-playing? Foreplay? A facade to keep it romantic and steamy? When DDay hit and I made him leave, she kindly told him, "You obviously still love her. Go to her," and I thought, "Wow. She must really love him to take such a high road," like a Holloywood movie. But I now think it was just a bunch of bulldung! Maybe she just didn't want the messy aftermath to splash on her. Is it me? I would never want a relationship with a person who was not physically exclusive with me, married or otherwise. If I continued this passionate charade, does it mean I am in it for the money and the diversions? Am I delusional? Do I care less about the AP and more about my own self-serving needs in the A? I have read the OW/OM forum to gain understanding of my situation and have become deeply empathetic to most of the sad tales of broken hearts and unrequited love, missed opportunities and poor timing. But as I try to get a better handle on my own situation, I am not sure what to think anymore. Do the Affair Partners lie both to themselves and each other to get unmet needs filled? Help! My head is spinning. Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted April 30, 2009 Share Posted April 30, 2009 But as I try to get a better handle on my own situation, I am not sure what to think anymore. Do the Affair Partners lie both to themselves and each other to get unmet needs filled? Bingo! You got it. I posted this a long time ago - describing an A I had with a MM. It sounds similar to your experience and may offer you some perspective. I'm not sure if you have read it before? http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=1782626&highlight=corvette#post1782626 Link to post Share on other sites
Reggie Posted April 30, 2009 Share Posted April 30, 2009 I think one has to finally wrap one's brain around the fact that for a very large % of people, sex is merely a pleasurable bodily function, like taking a good dump or eating a good meal, and little else. When you are not of this mindset, it is difficult to understand how these folks operate. But, essentially, they are more like animals, scartching an itch, responding to their urges. I've met folks that seem nice, but who have had dozens if not hundreds of sex partners. Presumably, your H nad this woman may be among those that can function like this just fine. So, exclusivity is not a big deal to them. The itch is still scratched regardless of whether there is someone else on the scene. No judgement on these folks. They just don't place that much significance on sex other than the pleasure it provides. Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted April 30, 2009 Share Posted April 30, 2009 Reggie - I would have to say you are right. I am probably one of those people. Sex and intimacy dont go hand in hand for me. My life has changed, my values are altogether different now - but to be honest - that hasnt. Link to post Share on other sites
Stepone Posted April 30, 2009 Share Posted April 30, 2009 Am impressed and humbled by your empathy for the other woman.. you taking the time to try and see where she was coming from, and not immediately dismissing her as a bitch. honestly, how common is this amongst BWs? Sorry for your experience. As for the question, personally it defies belief that a woman would knowingly want to share a man's penis, inside her - sexual fantasies aside(!) it's ultimately pretty degrading and a little piece of me would have to die to knowingly let that happen. not to mention him having intercourse with her then zipping up, and having to leave to go back to you... ?! she must have either blocked out the thought, carried away in the passion of the moment (however many times) or have very low self esteem. or perhaps he told her that doing it with you was robotic and he had to think of her to get off, or some lies to lessen the impact...... ? Link to post Share on other sites
Reggie Posted April 30, 2009 Share Posted April 30, 2009 Reggie - I would have to say you are right. I am probably one of those people. Sex and intimacy dont go hand in hand for me. My life has changed, my values are altogether different now - but to be honest - that hasnt. Yeah, 2, I know quite a few people like this and they are not bad people. I drank a lot of Catholic Kool Aid, as a kid and that may explain why my wiring is different. My son, who I love and who, while operating at a fairly basic level at this point, is a good kid, will, essentially screw anything. He does not think deeply about anything, though, so this is consistent. He is totally baffled as to why I am not more active in this area, as I am, I think, good looking and approached frequently. But, I just cannot make myself go there. My buddies scratch their heads, as well. I have no problem with others following their feelings in this area, provided there is honesty(i.e. no cheating). Some folks just need less in terms of involvement to get turned on. Key is finding someone close to one's own situation in this regard. Link to post Share on other sites
Reggie Posted April 30, 2009 Share Posted April 30, 2009 Am impressed and humbled by your empathy for the other woman.. you taking the time to try and see where she was coming from, and not immediately dismissing her as a bitch. honestly, how common is this amongst BWs? Sorry for your experience. As for the question, personally it defies belief that a woman would knowingly want to share a man's penis, inside her - sexual fantasies aside(!) it's ultimately pretty degrading and a little piece of me would have to die to knowingly let that happen. not to mention him having intercourse with her then zipping up, and having to leave to go back to you... ?! she must have either blocked out the thought, carried away in the passion of the moment (however many times) or have very low self esteem. or perhaps he told her that doing it with you was robotic and he had to think of her to get off, or some lies to lessen the impact...... ? Not really, Step. I think some folks just do not care about sharing with others. It is not a big deal toi them and they could well have good self esteem. Link to post Share on other sites
Stepone Posted April 30, 2009 Share Posted April 30, 2009 Not really, Step. I think some folks just do not care about sharing with others. It is not a big deal toi them and they could well have good self esteem. No I disagree Reginald, you would HAVE to have low self esteem to let a man poke you with a kn*b which was freshly dripping with another woman's c**t juice......... .... or a closet swinger.. Link to post Share on other sites
Stepone Posted April 30, 2009 Share Posted April 30, 2009 Oh and the comparison with your son doesn't really count. We are talking about women here. Men we all know are programmed to stick it in anything... Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted April 30, 2009 Share Posted April 30, 2009 Are you this offensive in real life? Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted April 30, 2009 Share Posted April 30, 2009 Are you this offensive in real life? Probably not. It is the anonymous BS that receive the honor of her ire. Even though you have said that you were once and OW, you are not a member of the latter category, hence the ire. Link to post Share on other sites
Stepone Posted April 30, 2009 Share Posted April 30, 2009 Are you this offensive in real life? I didn't mean to offend anyone. Was just kind of agreeing with the OP's opinion.... Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted April 30, 2009 Share Posted April 30, 2009 Gotcha. Things dont usually offend me here...I guess it's the C word. Link to post Share on other sites
Reggie Posted April 30, 2009 Share Posted April 30, 2009 No I disagree Reginald, you would HAVE to have low self esteem to let a man poke you with a kn*b which was freshly dripping with another woman's c**t juice......... .... or a closet swinger.. Hygenics aside, I was thinking more in terms of the significance folks attach to sex. My XWW was programmed much like what you describe as a typical man in this area. As a matter of fact, I think many more women are programmed like this than we care to believe. I constantly see allegations that women need to have more emotional involvement than men,but my expieirence says otherwise. When I was younger, in really good shape and good looking(ravages of time , here , now) I'd get approached out of the blue all the time and there was no ambiguity about the desire of these women to just get laid, right away. Folks need to reassess how they see females in this regard, particularly older women whose sex drives are working overtime/ Link to post Share on other sites
Stepone Posted April 30, 2009 Share Posted April 30, 2009 Probably not. It is the anonymous BS that receive the honor of her ire. Even though you have said that you were once and OW, you are not a member of the latter category, hence the ire. Being honest here as I am in real life. I don't know what I have said that's offensive and I have read quite a few of 2sure's posts. I think she's exceptionally eloquent and wise from her experience and kind to come here and share this with people, what have i said that's offensive? Link to post Share on other sites
Reggie Posted April 30, 2009 Share Posted April 30, 2009 I took no real offense. I do think you need to reassess your views on the gender differences re the willingness to stick it or be stuck casually. I think we are still living under the impression that men are less discriminating than women in this area . I have no stats, but a great many women I know/knew had little inhibition in pursuing orgasms with guys they did not have emotional attachments to. Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted April 30, 2009 Share Posted April 30, 2009 Just the C word. My problem. Apologies. Link to post Share on other sites
Stepone Posted April 30, 2009 Share Posted April 30, 2009 Hygenics aside, I was thinking more in terms of the significance folks attach to sex. My XWW was programmed much like what you describe as a typical man in this area. As a matter of fact, I think many more women are programmed like this than we care to believe. I constantly see allegations that women need to have more emotional involvement than men,but my expieirence says otherwise. When I was younger, in really good shape and good looking(ravages of time , here , now) I'd get approached out of the blue all the time and there was no ambiguity about the desire of these women to just get laid, right away. Folks need to reassess how they see females in this regard, particularly older women whose sex drives are working overtime/ All the promiscuous women I know in reality (NB - it is entirely possible that the ones on this forum are different) are insecure and need to prove something to themselves. Not saying I haven't had plumber and window cleaner fantasies galore. but I suspect the reality might leave me cold??*.... i don't really think sex needs love to be good but sex where the guy zips up after he's got off in you and trots off home to stick it in someone else.....? you'd have to be very hardened IMO *any plumbers or window cleaners out there are more than welcome to come prove me wrong. unmarried ones obviously Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted April 30, 2009 Share Posted April 30, 2009 Being honest here as I am in real life. I don't know what I have said that's offensive and I have read quite a few of 2sure's posts. I think she's exceptionally eloquent and wise from her experience and kind to come here and share this with people, what have i said that's offensive? You seemed to find it offensive when BS posted in the OW/OM forum and you jumped Chrome without even knowing the background in Spinning Wheels thread. I realize that you are going through NC and that may be hard for you, but if 2sure has no problem, then neither do I. Link to post Share on other sites
Stepone Posted April 30, 2009 Share Posted April 30, 2009 Just the C word. My problem. Apologies. Just pretend it meant carrot juice. The betrayed wife in my case was very health conscious. Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted April 30, 2009 Share Posted April 30, 2009 Just pretend it meant carrot juice. The betrayed wife in my case was very health conscious. I had just answered my phone when I read this. I picked it up, and said "This is too funny" instead of This is X. LOLOLOL Link to post Share on other sites
Reggie Posted April 30, 2009 Share Posted April 30, 2009 Yeah but these women are really no different than the guys. Some have low self esteem, some just like sex without attachment. we are seeing now, with more women in the workforce and with finanacial freedom, that the gender are very much alike in this area, with older women ,actually , overtaking the men in the horniness area in their late 30's with estrogen declining and testosterone playing a bigger role. I wans't thinking about the juice thing. But, i guess the same could be said for a guy willing to poke a recently filled hole. Some folks can override their queasiness, apparently, if the stimulus is sufficient. Link to post Share on other sites
Stepone Posted April 30, 2009 Share Posted April 30, 2009 You seemed to find it offensive when BS posted in the OW/OM forum and you jumped Chrome without even knowing the background in Spinning Wheels thread. I realize that you are going through NC and that may be hard for you, but if 2sure has no problem, then neither do I. yeah i feel bad about the Chrome thing, just i posted about my situation a few days ago and the response overwhelmed and hurt me so much (most of the people were just making moral judgements) i asked LS to take it off and spent a lot of days feeling there was no way out as i deserved the pain and more... and it was all my fault... and all my feelings counted for nothing.. don't want others to feel like that.... was just kind of surprised at Chrome's hostile sounding post after spinninghead's "good" news but i def spoke too soon. i assume people are kind opf anonymous here but in reality i have just gatecrashed a party of old friends! Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted April 30, 2009 Share Posted April 30, 2009 yeah i feel bad about the Chrome thing, just i posted about my situation a few days ago and the response overwhelmed and hurt me so much (most of the people were just making moral judgements) i asked LS to take it off and spent a lot of days feeling there was no way out as i deserved the pain and more... and it was all my fault... and all my feelings counted for nothing.. don't want others to feel like that.... was just kind of surprised at Chrome's hostile sounding post after spinninghead's "good" news but i def spoke too soon. i assume people are kind opf anonymous here but in reality i have just gatecrashed a party of old friends! I don't know about old friends:laugh:,but what you call judgement is stating what is seen through the eyes of the people who posted. Judgement means that we have the power to affect what happens to you as a result of your actions. None of us possess that power. We voice our opinions and you take them or leave them. It is the nature of public forums. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Spark1111 Posted April 30, 2009 Author Share Posted April 30, 2009 2sure, I had not read this before. The way you described the MM, yes that could have been my husband. I so appreciate your honesty. Can you/would you detail what you derived from the relationship? And what were your feelings about the BS? How was she portrayed by the WS? And you have always seemed to me an intelligent and wise woman. Yes, he was a comfort during a trying time in your life. You knew there was no future with him but went a long for the ride anyhow. Care to talk about DDay? Did your opinion of her change? Or if not, why not? One of my greatest regrets is that she refused to talk with me, despite all the compassion I had for her and her position. What was she afraid of? Care to speculate? I cannot reach her, she refuses to return my calls. She still seems angry at him/me when I try to reach out to her. Why would this be? Thanks, Spark Link to post Share on other sites
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