help me plezee

[loser]

hi there, i really need some help to get through my miserable days. these how it all started,

 

i'm a married woman, with a wonderful hubby and a lovely daughter. i never thought i would fall fer another but that's what exactly happened to me.

 

few months back i met a guy at a conference outside state (island). he's my colleague and we already knew each other for 2 years but only as working mates. after spending some days in the island, we fall fer each other and one thing lead to another. to cut the story short, i had tried to end the affair a couple of time cuz i realize there's no future fer us - he's also married with four kids. he told me so that he would never leave his wife or his family. every time i intend to break up with him i would only find myself crawling back fer him. it is so pathetic but i jez can't help it. this is my third time trying to break up with him - it has been 3 miserable days since i last heard from him - and there's no words that could describe my heart ache - there's a lump in my throat and a big hole in my heart.

 

l miss him so much and i need him so desperately. until today he made no attempt of calling me to whether ask how i'm doing or to jez check on me. i thought i died yesterday but hey, bad news, i'm still breathing and waiting fer his calls - which will never come. please help me - say something nice to me - help me ease this pain - plezz

[butterflyz]

feel better because the right thing to do is to stay away. stay away and clean up the mess at home. you see, part of your pain is the combo platter of his loss and the realization that you are still stuck with your mess at home.

 

try getting involved in something outside of this: a class maybe where you can meet friends and start getting your mind distracted from this guy.

[Ally Boo]

With Butterflyz about getting your mind off of the guy, but not the way she suggested. Men like this guy you fell for "in just a few days" do this all the time. They have no intention of ever leaving their wife, they just aren't getting their needs met, and therefore want you to meet them to "save their marriage."

 

What I mean by that is, there are obviously major problems in both your relationship with your husband, and he with his wife. So, you went to each other to fill whatever need you aren't getting from your partners.

 

Let's honestly look at this, shall we? You "fell" for him, and want him to leave his family, after spending this short amount of time together. You would rather be dead.... Ok, you both have families and spouses. How can you HONESTLY fall for someone when you are that tied up with a family....and fall in that short time??? It was lust and a craving for excitement, in all reality.

 

The truth is, your husband may be wonderful, but your marriage OBVIOUSLY sucks...and that is both you and your husband's fault. And the only way to fix your TRUE pain, is to seek marriage counseling. If he won't agree to go, go by yourself. You aren't hurt by this man, you are hurt that your marriage sucks to the point that some stranger can spout out a few lines, and YOU fell for it.

 

I know what I am saying, bc I have been in this same position. However, I didn't sleep with another man, I just kissed him. And merely kissing him was enough to make my husband never want to trust me again. You've made a mistake, and it's your own stupidity for allowing yourself to fall for him.

 

Use whatever ounce of consience you have left, think about your family, and do the right thing. You are wasting too much precious energy by worrying about this guy, that you should be using to keep your family strong.

 

You've made your decisions, you need to own them. Learn from your mistakes and choose to never make them again, and discard them. I just hope you look at the fact that you are heart broken over some stranger, whereas your husband is eating at your dinner table and has no idea....

 

Get your mind off this guy by SAVING YOUR MARRIAGE...before it's too late....if it isn't ALREADY too late.

 

I don't mean to sound harsh at all. I've just kinda been in your shoes, and I know how much pain was associated with it. I understand the hurt that comes from someone who temporarily made you feel soo good...and I understand the utter betrayal you feel when your marriage is at the breaking point...and I'm trying to give you the wakeup call you need!

[loser]

dear ally boo and butterflyz - thank you so much fer the advice.

 

i wuz told that something is wrong with my marriage - why else would i find pleasure outside my home - but, honestly, i can't seem to find one - hubby is so wonderful and caring and loving and he has given me everything that i need...... guess i never want to admit it . i've been married fer over 7 yrs now. we've never fight, you know, a real fight. but come to think of it - deep down in my heart, i felt so empty - so lonely - i've been ignoring it all the while and wish it'll go away but it stayed instead.

 

i guess it wuz lust - pure lust - me and him - but what's wrong with it - he made me feel so happy, so content, i never thought i could feel it again - thought i've become numb to all pleasures - but no, i'm a woman alright - with needs and wants.

 

i've tried to talk to hubby but of cuz can't explain it in detail - how could i tell a husband i'd rather be with my lover although its fer one nite - if only i could pay the price, i would, jez to be with him again.

 

please don't hate me fer what i am. this is what i feel. you can call it lust or mere excitement but he made me feel alive again.

[butterflyz]

your excitement, but ally boo is right. go to counseling to find out what is missing in your life, that you are attributing to this guy. i don't necessarily say what ally boo says, go and save the marriage, because maybe it shouldn't be saved. i'll explain.

 

when you find out what is missing, you'll see that whatever it is, it rests inside of you, not with another person.

 

the fact that you are willing to risk everything for this adrenaline rush, tells me that you need to stop. and think about it. and if you won't go to counseling then think about whether you want this marriage. it doesn't sound like you do. maybe you married your husband because you felt safe with him. but maybe he doesn't offer the "excitement" you need. we can't have it all, can we?

 

counseling won't necessarily save your marriage. counseling might bring to light that you two should never have been married to begin with.

 

so, i still say to get involved with something that doesn't involve either your husband or this guy. in doing something therapeutic, like a hobby, you start to think. and when you start to think, you find out the answers are inside of you. sometimes you don't need someone to help you think, you just need the time and space and no distractions to think.

[HokeyReligions]

Ally & Butterflyz said it best. I think YOU need some serious counseling for YOU. Not marriage counseling. YOU need some help to sort out your feelings and understand what you have done and why. You need help before you make any more decisions that will affect others as well as yourself.

 

I can't imagine being married to someone and making a decision to have an affair -- no matter what the motivation.

 

I am not without any knowledge of things like this. My marriage, although wonderful now, went through a very bad spell of quite a few years. I won't get into all the details but early in the marriage all sex stopped. It was not MY idea. It was very difficult to deal with -- here I was a young wife and completely in love with my husband and he wouldn't touch me. During this period I had an opportunity to have an affair with someone from work. We got along great (still do) and he knew the situation at home. He did not want to break up a marriage but he was concerned about me and he said and did all the things that I needed right then. I could have easily fallen into his arms for comfort and gone from there to his bed. I wanted to so badly that I would tremble and cry with longing. Not for sex, but for comfort and tenderness that I wasn't getting at home.

 

Instead, my husband and I went to counseling. We still haven't had sex (been at least a dozen years) and never will but I get all the tenderness and comfort and contentment and joy and love that I could possibly want, and it's easy and comfortable to give it too and the more I give, the more I have to give. My husband made that possible for me. I wouldn't change a thing about my marriage.

 

I can understand how some people can try to justify or excuse a bad decision, but an affair is still a choice and no "it just happened" statement is going to justify it or fix the consequences. If you make that choice then you have to deal with the consequences, which hurts you and others. I believe that you need some real help to find out why you made this choice and how to cope with the consequences. Once your family finds out they may need some couneling too so that they have the tools they need to cope and adjust.

 

Taking control of your life and making decisions with confidence will help you tremendously in dealing with the pain.

[Ally Boo]

Originally posted by loser

i guess it wuz lust - pure lust - me and him - but what's wrong with it - he made me feel so happy, so content, i never thought i could feel it again - thought i've become numb to all pleasures - but no, i'm a woman alright - with needs and wants.

 

What's wrong with it, is that it ISNT real, and was a desperate attempt to escape the pain in your life. You know, sometimes the lack of drama is boring. Maybe you are bored in your marriage. You aren't crazy and no one hates you. But you do need to get some counseling by a very good professional, so that you can work through all of this.

 

Especially, seeing how you say your husband is, marriage counseling wouldn't be something I'd recommend. You need to go for yourself!

[loser]

i did some serious thinking over the weekend. i really did. so i've decided to explain a little more about me cuz i think you gals actually listen to my problem.

 

i got married to hubby cuz he luvs me the most compared to the other men that i've met in life. if i were to marry someone that i really luv, it won't be hubby. i am a very wild young lady - full of drives - if you get what i mean. but somehow i manage to keep it to myself and i wuz still a virgin the nite i married hubby.

 

the first nite wuz so full with excitement and it wuz the nite that i've waited so long in anticipation. hubby manage to penetrate and there wuz a lot of blood. but funny cuz i thouht it's gonna hurt but i t didn't at all. what i felt wuz a warm rush of fluid - that's the blood. hubby wuz all smiling cuz deep down inside i knew he weren't so sure if i'm still a virgin. the blood wuz so much that we used up almost a box of kleenex and i wuz tempted to call mum if the bleeding continue.

 

we flew to an island fer our honey moon. since then lovemaking wuz so painful. but i can't remember exactly when wuz the first pain started. i used to cry everynite cuz afraid of the lovemaking. i told a few friends about it but they jez smiled and said it'll go away. but it didn't and it stay fer over 7 years.

 

i thought i wuz suffering from vaginismus all the while but it wasn't. an OB proved otherwise and i jez had an operation a few months back. now lovemaking is not a painful procedure but i hate it so much - when doing it with hubby - i felt so much hatred in me - i felt like it wuz a violation of love - i dunno - but hubby has been so patient with me and loyal and understanding to me all the while.

 

its embarassingto admit these but i wanted to do it with him so badly - i really do - friends told me lovemaking wuz the most beatiful act of luv and it'll make your luv grow deeper. why is it i don't feel it when i did it with hubby? i don't feel a thing except it's not painful anymore but it doesn't affect my feeling and affection towards hubby except that i hate him more.

 

his touch and kisses are heaven - i'm so curious what will luvmaking like if its with him. i wanna feel it - i wanna be a normal person - to be able to enjoy luvmaking -

 

guess this is too much?

 

a friend told me to get help with a shrink cuz the operation only meant fer the physical condition - apparently i wuz affected emotionally by all the pain that i've gone thru over the past 7 years and i need to see to it. i dunno, it makes me sound like a wacko - you know - seeing a shrink.

 

plezee help...plezee..

[Ally Boo]

Well, you married him for the wrong reason. I can't blame you, I've done the same. And I ended up feeling the same way you did. He was my first as well. Again, I would recommend counseling. They will guide you in the right direction.

[butterflyz]

it sounds like because of the pain you experienced having sex with him, this has affected your feelings towards him. definitely counseling, but maybe sex counseling so that you can learn relaxation exercises and things you two can do together to have a better experience.

 

but, this doesn't mean anything unless you want to stay with him.

 

sometimes things go on for a long time, and then it is almost impossible to correct it, make it right again. 7 years is a long time.

 

you definitely need to decide what you want. if you married him for reasons other than love, then any effort might be in vain.

[loser]

i met a counsellor - everything seems to make sense now - i don't really luv him or want him or need him - but why letting him go is so difficult - cuz it mean i'll be back to reality - that is to face the true pain that's causing me to lose sleep - and that i wuz so bored to hell, lonely, empty - these are my problem - my real problem.

 

i realize now that i've been running away from my problem and diverted it into this affair - which solves nothing -

 

me and him are still in touch which each other - i do not want to stir any suspicious in him - so we'll just continue calling each other - i'll treat him as a friend - sooner or later when he realize that i'm not interested anymore, he'll back off and we'll be friends again. this time with no string attached - i don't wanna hurt him cuz it wuz me who drag him in this mess - i don't wanna blame him for whatever that has happen cuz it wuz my decision and i must stand to it - he doesn't force me - it wuz my own stupidity fer letting it happen

 

i'm now focussing my attention to my marriage - i no longer wait fer him to call me - if he calls, fine, if he doesn't, fine - thanx to everbody fer making this happen -

[pinkroses]

Twice. When I was still married, back in '95 I fell for someone at my job. I was very unhappy in my marriage (my husband was verbally, mentally abusive and controlling) and I confided in my coworker. We got very close emotionally and our feelings grew beyond friendship. We would meet at coffee houses just to talk, but we also touched hands and kissed, and it filled my need for attention and romance. Fortunately this guy left town to pursue a career so I didn't end up involved any deeper, but the pain over losing this relationship hurt far deeper than the divorce from my husband. (Unfortunately, I lost both relationships).

 

Then again, a couple of years ago, as a single person I got involved with a married man. From the start I never expected him to leave his wife or anything to come of it. I knew it was temporary and that it would be difficult to have to end it someday, but at the time I was lonely and no one was showing any interest in me. I was also very attracted to this person, and he was to me. He had one of those boring, loveless type marriages. We saw each other for about a year then he left the job and things dwindled from there. In spite of the fact I knew we'd never be together, it was still quite disappointing and painful to have to close the door on what we had. I would NEVER get involved with a married person ever again. Relationships with hope have enough pain and trouble, relationships without hope are just not worth it at all.

 

If you think your marriage is worth saving, I'd take the advice of others here and get counseling. Try to uncover the reasons why you are straying and face up to them. And then sever ties with your married friend, no matter how hard it is. Thinking you need and love him so much are illusions, keep that in mind. Don't live on fantasies of hope that he will leave his family and you two will live happily ever after. Deep down inside, you know that isn't the right thing for either of you since you already have mates of your own, and children. This is not the path to happiness.

[Debster]

You ask for advice, well hear is my advice: you are behaving very selfishly and stupidly.

 

You write this:

l miss him so much and i need him so desperately. until today he made no attempt of calling me to whether ask how i'm doing or to jez check on me. i thought i died yesterday but hey, bad news, i'm still breathing and waiting fer his calls - which will never come. please help me - say something nice to me - help me ease this pain - plezz

 

That is SO sad. Smarten up. My god, you are a 30 year old women, married with a child and you are acting like some lovesick teenager.

 

You have a loving, supportive husband who treats you well. Yet you cheat on him. Plus you are cheating on him with a married man. You are threatening two marriages and two families. Stop acting like a spoilt child and wake up and smell the coffee: a romp in the hay or your 'lust' (no matter how great) is NOT worth destroying two families - especially since you know nothing will come of it.