The thought of being unfaithful to my husband scares me

[cls_2002]

I have posted a couple questions before seeking advice. To sum up my situation I am a 25 year old woman whos been married for 4 years, but been with my husband for 5 years. Together we have a 2 year old daughter. Due to some personal issues my husband and I have been dealing with I have found myself to be extremely attracted to my professor. I have been dealing with these feelings and trying to make them stop, but I've realized I don't know how. I hate this feeling. I've been crying all day b/c I love my family, but I don't know what it is about him. I can't even make eye contact with him in class. When he looks at me I look away. One day after I came back in the class room from getting a drink I saw him quickly look me up and down as I walked to my seat, which is right in front. I know the man is married b/c he wears a ring. When he's standing there lecturing about something instead of showing us how to work out the problem he always stands right in front of me. I get nervous around him, and I hate this. This week I have had to have him help me with some problems 3 times. 2 of them I was in his office alone, and the other was after class with 3 other people around. Even that day when I left he was talking to some other students and as I left he said "I'll see you later." I'm just like your suppose to not say anything to me so I can not like you. Our alone visits in his office strictly dealt with my homework, but every time I leave he's always saying if I ever need anything just email me and we can set up a time in my office. I know this sounds kind of silly, but I don't know what my deal is. Why am I so drawn to another man. We haven't talked about nothing other than class stuff. He's so helpful, and he makes things so much simpler. But I have 5 or 6 weeks of school left and I've decided I'm never taking him as an instructor again b/c of my attraction to him, but I don't know how to deal with this anymore. Things at home haven't been the best for a little while now. I have talked to my husband about our personal problems but nothing ever changes. I know this is both our faults. We don't know how to make time for each other. Sometimes I think I envy my husband some b/c my life has changed so much since our daughters been born. I've been out 2 times in 2 years with my girlfriends for a girls night. He works a lot, but he also gets to still do whatever he wants to. If he wants to go out he goes. I only get to go to school full time, take care of my kid, and clean our house. Once in a blue moon I might go to a friends how to hang out with my daughter. And anytime I want to do something I get crap about it. Oh you don't need to spend no money, or I've got plans, etc. And when I try to go out with him and do something as a family he hardley ever wants to go. I'm seriously torn here. I'm starting to feel distant from my husband, which maybe thats my problem. I am very attracted to my professor though and don't know what to do about it. I've never in my life cheated on anyone. I was always the one getting cheated on so I know what it feels like, and I honestly don't ever want to make anyone feel that way. My feelings are so strong for this man though that it scares me. I feel like given the right opertunity I don't know what I would do...be smart or stupid...and it scares me. So can anyone help me here.

[Heather1]

I've been married 18 years, and my first crush through me for a loop. Was I unhappy? bad marriage? etc. I think crushes are totally normal, as long as you don't tell your professor that you have one, cuz that will open up a whole new can of worms.

Let me tell you this though, speaking from the situation I'm in now and seeing how everything plays out, it's a friggin rollercoaster nightmare!!! If the guy's a good guy, it'll take a long time before a physical affair would even start, it's not overnight. Women see the signs LONG before men do. Then you get only painful options, none of them good.

Just enjoy the eye candy & feel like a woman. As long as you don't tell him, you're fine. Be flattered, cuz you probably wouldn't be getting this vibe if he didn't kind of feel the same. The first time this happened to me, I immediately told my husband. That helped a lot too.

Let me give you one other warning....guys have this thrill of the chase. All the good feelings you have before, are the worst feelings you'll ever have after the fact when the guy says to you, "sorry - you're not supposed to have these feelings because we're married." You don't see it coming, because it's their instinct to build it up until they get you, and then play the "married" card.

[Trialbyfire]

The only person who can control you, is yourself. Don't you trust in your own strength?

 

If your husband isn't meeting your needs, have you spoken to him about it?

 

Why are you going to school fulltime, if it stresses you out so badly? Why not take longer, getting a few credits under your belt, a little at a time?

 

You've got so many choices in life. So why are you picking the worst to travel?

[lostsunsets]

CLS2002,

 

For some reason you jumped from the other thread. As you didn't comment on my post. I have posted it on this thread for you.

 

You don't need to be asking questions. You need to be reading the posts here and on other infidelity boards. If you do you will find plenty of courage (or actually fear) to not screw up your marriage. Let me tell you what will happen if you do. You seem like a nice person. So after you screw him. You will wake up the next morning and look in the mirror and break down. The person in the mirror will never look the same to you again. You may try to keep it covered up. And you may be successful for a while. One of two things will happen.

 

One, you will have thoroughly enjoyed screwing him and you will now have a bond with him. You will both arrange to meet again and again. you will text each other. You will start to leave the room with your husband in it. So you can text him. He will question why you are always going out of the room to talk or text. You will start to get angry at him, because you will need to start pulling away from him. Your sex with him will drop off then eventually stop. Why? Because you will want to be faithful to the man you are cheating with. You can't screw both of them that would make you a skank. So you start to be angrier with him. Because he is now the reason you and your new love can't be together. By the time the 6 weeks is over, you are completely fogged up. You are ready to throw away your marriage to be with the other man. You won't be able to hide this from your husband. Your husband loves you and will have watched the woman he loves pull away from him. He may get suspicious and monitor your e-mail or cell phone. Eventually he will get concrete evidence and confront you. Over the last 6 weeks you have become a lying cheating skank, so you lie to him. But he has proof and you breakdown and sob uncontrollably. He is crushed. After his anger and tears. And because you now love this other man you start blame shifting. If you had only met my needs. But you neglected me. So that means its pretty much your fault that I screwed him. YOU WAKE UP THE NEXT DAY. AND YOU SEE HIM LOOKING AT YOU. AND JUST LIKE WHEN YOU LOOKED IN THE MIRROR AND SAW SOMEONE THAT ONLY LOOKED LIKE YOU, YOUR HUSBAND HAS THE SAME LOOK ON HIS FACE, HORROR, MIXED WITH PAIN AND CONFUSION. AT THAT POINT YOU NOW REALIZE THAT HE WILL NEVER LOOK AT YOU THE SAME AGAIN EITHER.

 

Two. You will wake up the next morning and look in the mirror and break down. You rush to the toilet and you heave your guts up. You rush to get your clothes together and get out of there as fast as you can. You get into your car and look in the rearview mirror. And you don't recognize the person who is staring back at you. You manage to get home before he gets home from work. And jump into bed. He comes in and asks you where the baby is. And you tell him it is at the sitters. He asks why? You turn around and look at him and you don't say a word. But he looks at you and knows. You breakdown and he screams in pain. Like someone shot him in the heart. He can't catch his breath and you run to him because he can't breathe. But instead of holding you. He recoils from you like he was just touched with acid. At that moment you know that nothing will ever be the same again. EVER. You confess everything to him, because you realize you love him more then life. But he has that look of HORROR, MIXED WITH PAIN AND CONFUSION. And you realize that you may have just destroyed your happy family. He tells you to get out. Or he says if you don't get out, then I will. You won't leave, so he does. And when he leaves your heart breaks because at this point you don't know if he will ever want to hear from you or see you again. You fall to your knees in a weeping hump. And all of this before what you have done has really even sunk in.

[lostsunsets]

If I may. You are having a lack of communication in your marriage. That is why you are thinking of cheating. You want to be loved and validated. You deserve that. But you have to understand that we men are often very thick and lazy. If you sat him down and told him exactly what you have told us here, what do you think he would do. Do you think he would get up and say thats nice and go over to his friends?

 

EVERY COUNSELOR WORTH HIS SALT WOULD TELL YOU TO CONFRONT YOUR HUSBAND WITH WHAT YOU ARE THINKING AND FEELING. EVEN IF IT HURT HIM. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TIME APART THAT YOU HAVE NO TIME TO COMMUNICATE. SO BOTH OF YOU WANT TO JUST PURGE THE CRAP OUT OF YOU WHEN YOU SEE EACHOTHER. YOU HAVE TO MAKE TIME. HOW IMPORTANT IS YOUR MARRIAGE TO YOU? DO YOU THINK IT WILL SURVIVE YOU FALLING IN LOVE AND HAVING SEX WITH YOU TEACHER? I DON'T. PLEASE TALK TO YOUR HUSBAND BEFORE YOUR MARRIAGE IS ANOTHER STATISTIC.

[Sands_of_time]

Lostsunsets...

 

That was one of the best posts I've seen in a long time.

 

OP--those feelings you are getting are strong. No, they are intense! And they are REAL. However, maturity must take hold and you must realize that you are putting your needs above your family's needs if you continue pining after this man.

 

Work on yourself and figure out why you are making yourself emotionally available to someone other than your husband.

[Heather1]

You should tell your husband. This stuff will come up for the both of you & you both need a plan. If he's a good guy, he'll know what you're talking about & understand. If he's a controlling, jealous guy that wouldn't understand & you're scared of him, then you're in a hostage marriage. Nothing's the end of the world right now for you. We're all human, just make a plan cuz it's bound to happen to one of you down the road. Marriage isn't the death of feelings towards others. Just don't talk personal problems w/ the other guy, or him to you, and you'll be fine.

[Reggie]

You know, you are pretty smart to inquire about this ahead of time and look for answers/solutions. It seems rare that someone does this. Seems we see only the aftermath most of the time.

Your feelings are very normal. Despite the bill of good we are sold, a large percetage of people, maybe all people, continue to feel attraction for others after marriage.

Try reading the e-booksby Michelle Langely regarding this attraction thing and the confusion it causes women in particular.

[Dexter Morgan]

You should tell your husband.

 

I agree. Maybe your husband getting angry might snap you out of this stupid little schoolgirl crush.

 

But then again, it goes much deeper than that doesn't it if you think there'd be a good chance you'd screw him if the perfect opportunity arose.

 

But you can tell yout husband that too. Tell him you'd be scared something would happen if you were ever with him alone. Maybe that'll snap you out of it.

[whichwayisup]

1)GET a babysitter and go out atleast once a week or so.

2)TELL your husband that you're unhappy and feeling disconnected to him. Tell him how serious it is, even tell him about the crush. Maybe if he knew it'll wake him up.

 

I know the man is married b/c he wears a ring.

 

It's good you are aware that he IS married, but in all honesty, it shouldn't make a difference because YOU are married with children.

[Athena]

I have posted a couple questions before seeking advice.

 

So can anyone help me here.

 

Hi there cls_2002,

 

I was one poster who replied to your other thread before.

I am so glad to see that you have not allowed yourself to cross the line with your professor! Well done.

 

I think he has picked up on your discomfort and is wondering about a possible attraction to you. I think he has left the door wide open for you to begin an affair if you chose to.

Clearly you have chosen not to, but you are fighting yourself over this.

You are so very close to the end of the semester and I agree that you should not have any contact with him once class is over... be very careful now since your urge to act on your attraction might become too strong for you, especially if HE hits on you just before the end of the semester...

 

Once again, I am going to give you the same advice I did before. I know you probably immediately discounted my advice as something you would never do, but please reconsider it... I am sure it will stop you from acting on your feelings for your prof: Have a chat to your husband about your attraction to your professor. There is nothing criminal or morally wrong for feeling like you do (your admiration with your physical attraction), and your husband needs to help you through this.

Honestly, once the 'secret' is out, it won't feel so overwhelming to you anymore.

 

Try it, I urge you.

[Chrome Barracuda]

The thought of being unfaithful scares her and yet she doesnt have enough common sense to be in control of her emotions and do the right thing. Y'all women are astounding in your rationale's. Not once has she said she's recommiting to making the marriage better. or anything to make it better.

[65tr6]

Not once has she said she's recommiting to making the marriage better. or anything to make it better.

she checked out and not ready check back in yet. So no recommittment to the marriage, right OP ?

[Dexter Morgan]

2)TELL your husband that you're unhappy and feeling disconnected to him. Tell him how serious it is, even tell him about the crush. Maybe if he knew it'll wake him up.

 

Fair enough. But then it might also be fair for him to point out to her, "if things aren't perfect from your end either, maybe I'll go out and develop a crush of my own".

 

In other words, nobody should have to "wake up" for the sole sake of keeping someone from cheating. He should do it because he wants to.

 

So if she tells him that "because of you, I developed a crush on someone else"...then she better make sure she is damn worth the effort herself and treats him in a similar fashion because he could use the same excuse to develop something with another woman.

[lostsunsets]

Cls 2002 seems to post rarely. I think she is posting to justify the affair she wants to have with her teacher. Its sad, but based on how she's acting and how she says he's acting, it only looks like a matter of time. She is obviously starting to post justifications and excuses for doing it. Some people have to touch the hot stove. The poor husband.

[Untouchable_Fire]

I was always the one getting cheated on so I know what it feels like, and I honestly don't ever want to make anyone feel that way. My feelings are so strong for this man though that it scares me. I feel like given the right opertunity I don't know what I would do...be smart or stupid...and it scares me. So can anyone help me here.

 

Whatever!

 

You post the same darn thing like 4 times. If you want to get somewhere... interact.

 

Honestly... if you get cheated on. It makes some people MORE likely to be a cheat.

 

It's just like serial killers. If you don't have the guts to take out your anger on the person who hurt you, innocent victims will suffer your revenge.

[cls_2002]

I just had to add this in. I have read all the replies. I'm not looking for a perfect answer, and I am in no way wanting an affair to happen. I am doing everything I can to fight my feelings. I don't go around the man outside of class anymore, and I have told my husband! I hope that if he was ever in this type of situation he would tell me. We had a long talk and are going to do whatever we have to to make this work. We both love each other, and I don't want to be with anyone but him. The only thing I wanted to know was why this was happening b/c nothing like this has happened to me before and I don't like it. So for all of you who want to judge me horribly I don't need your advice. I'm doing my best to do the right things, and you want to cut me down. I don't need the "perfect" advice, but at least consider what I am saying. I am not saying...hey I want to go screw this man. I'm saying I want these feelings to go away, and damn it I will do whatever I have to to make them disappear.

[boldjack]

Cls, You seem to have two problems going on here. 1) Your attraction for your Prof. You are a young woman and there will be times that you will be attracted to other men. These feelings are perfectly natural and usually will pass, as long as you don't give in to them. You are already doing some of the things you need to do, to help these feelings go away. Avoiding him, telling your H, trying not to be alone with him, not dwelling on the situation are all good ideas. I think that you are a stronger person than you think you are. Your Prof. seems not to be too overt, so that will help too. Remember to trust your heart. These feelings of guilt and fear are warnings that this is a bad situation. I think that you will be OK.:) 2) The situation in your marriage seem to be that you are giving 110% and getting stressed out about it. You definitely need some "me', time to be with your friends and not be wife and mommy for a few hours. Ask him to take you out on a "date", just the two of you. To do these things, you have to communicate with your H, he must realize that you need help and he must do his share of the child rearing and household work. I would suggest that next semester you take a smaller class load, to give yourself more time. Maybe MC would help. With love, honesty and communication, I believe that you THREE will have a wonderful future, TOGETHER.:D

[Untouchable_Fire]

Cls 2002 seems to post rarely. I think she is posting to justify the affair she wants to have with her teacher. Its sad, but based on how she's acting and how she says he's acting, it only looks like a matter of time. She is obviously starting to post justifications and excuses for doing it. Some people have to touch the hot stove. The poor husband.

 

90% chance its a troll.

[lostsunsets]

Hey CLS_2002, Did you ever give a thought that people on this board have one opportunity to try to dissuade you from you ruining your marriage. They can't track you down and shake you, so that you realize that could destroy your marriage. What kind of advise were you looking for? The majority of people on this board have been betrayed by an SO. Maybe there is some projection going on here. Maybe they wish their WS had someone or a group of people that could try and talk some sense into them. Maybe they wouldn't have cared if their BF or GF was belittled and confronted and made to feel ashamed. They might have wanted the cheating spouse to be reminded of their children and the abyss that they were going to cast their family in to. You may think the people posting comments on your thread were over the top. I wonder if its because they walk around with a hideous scar on their soul from someone who was supposed to love, protect and nurture it. So the next time you feel like coming by for a little kumbaya and hand holding, maybe you should think of just who your asking for advice.

[tyhbvf]

I have posted a couple questions before seeking advice. To sum up my situation I am a 25 year old woman whos been married for 4 years, but been with my husband for 5 years. Together we have a 2 year old daughter. Due to some personal issues my husband and I have been dealing with I have found myself to be extremely attracted to my professor. I have been dealing with these feelings and trying to make them stop, but I've realized I don't know how. I hate this feeling. I've been crying all day b/c I love my family, but I don't know what it is about him. I can't even make eye contact with him in class. When he looks at me I look away. One day after I came back in the class room from getting a drink I saw him quickly look me up and down as I walked to my seat, which is right in front. I know the man is married b/c he wears a ring. When he's standing there lecturing about something instead of showing us how to work out the problem he always stands right in front of me. I get nervous around him, and I hate this. This week I have had to have him help me with some problems 3 times. 2 of them I was in his office alone, and the other was after class with 3 other people around. Even that day when I left he was talking to some other students and as I left he said "I'll see you later." I'm just like your suppose to not say anything to me so I can not like you. Our alone visits in his office strictly dealt with my homework, but every time I leave he's always saying if I ever need anything just email me and we can set up a time in my office. I know this sounds kind of silly, but I don't know what my deal is. Why am I so drawn to another man. We haven't talked about nothing other than class stuff. He's so helpful, and he makes things so much simpler. But I have 5 or 6 weeks of school left and I've decided I'm never taking him as an instructor again b/c of my attraction to him, but I don't know how to deal with this anymore. Things at home haven't been the best for a little while now. I have talked to my husband about our personal problems but nothing ever changes. I know this is both our faults. We don't know how to make time for each other. Sometimes I think I envy my husband some b/c my life has changed so much since our daughters been born. I've been out 2 times in 2 years with my girlfriends for a girls night. He works a lot, but he also gets to still do whatever he wants to. If he wants to go out he goes. I only get to go to school full time, take care of my kid, and clean our house. Once in a blue moon I might go to a friends how to hang out with my daughter. And anytime I want to do something I get crap about it. Oh you don't need to spend no money, or I've got plans, etc. And when I try to go out with him and do something as a family he hardley ever wants to go. I'm seriously torn here. I'm starting to feel distant from my husband, which maybe thats my problem. I am very attracted to my professor though and don't know what to do about it. I've never in my life cheated on anyone. I was always the one getting cheated on so I know what it feels like, and I honestly don't ever want to make anyone feel that way. My feelings are so strong for this man though that it scares me. I feel like given the right opertunity I don't know what I would do...be smart or stupid...and it scares me. So can anyone help me here.

 

Have sex with the professor but do it in exchange for a better grade that way you can use the grade as the alibi and not you.

 

Don't tell your husband.

 

Husbands never tell when they have extramarital sex. So you shouldn't either.

 

BUT, the rules for cheating are this:

 

1. Do NOT get pregnant.

2. Do NOT get an STD.

3. STFU when your husband cheats on YOU.

 

P.S. Having sex with your husband and thinking about your professor is worse than physical cheating.

[Darth Vader]

I just had to add this in. I have read all the replies. I'm not looking for a perfect answer, and I am in no way wanting an affair to happen. I am doing everything I can to fight my feelings. I don't go around the man outside of class anymore, and I have told my husband! I hope that if he was ever in this type of situation he would tell me. We had a long talk and are going to do whatever we have to to make this work. We both love each other, and I don't want to be with anyone but him. The only thing I wanted to know was why this was happening b/c nothing like this has happened to me before and I don't like it. So for all of you who want to judge me horribly I don't need your advice. I'm doing my best to do the right things, and you want to cut me down. I don't need the "perfect" advice, but at least consider what I am saying. I am not saying...hey I want to go screw this man. I'm saying I want these feelings to go away, and damn it I will do whatever I have to to make them disappear.

 

 

It's good that you told your husband, have you told him even about the Professor? It's better if you do tell him, it may give him a wake up call. Next, head to Marriage Counseling!

[Surfer Dude]

Obviously this is a proof that monogamy is unnatural and can never work. Thank god I abandoned that silly idea.

[Owl]

Obviously this is a proof that monogamy is unnatural and can never work. Thank god I abandoned that silly idea.

 

Good for you.

 

Unfortunately, the OP hasn't reached your enlightened state of being.

 

More specifically...neither has her husband. And HE is the one who would be devestated and destroyed by her choice to cheat.

 

If they both simultaneously agreed with you, this would be spot on.

 

Since that's not likely to happen, there's not much value in suggesting it at the moment.

 

What's your real advice for the OP?

[Surfer Dude]

Good for you.

 

Unfortunately, the OP hasn't reached your enlightened state of being.

 

More specifically...neither has her husband. And HE is the one who would be devestated and destroyed by her choice to cheat.

 

If they both simultaneously agreed with you, this would be spot on.

 

Since that's not likely to happen, there's not much value in suggesting it at the moment.

 

What's your real advice for the OP?

 

My real advice for the OP is to stop being a hypocrite - promising love and exclusivity to one man, while entertaining ideas of fcking another man.

 

She can do it and it's totally cool with me, I do not judge people for being sexual beings and having the drive. I just don't like hypocrisy and fake promises, because it might hurt other people (her husband in this instance).