LoveShack.org Community Forums

Reload this Page LoveShack.org Community Forums > Romantic > Marriage & Life Partnerships > Infidelity

Wife got drunk, cheated, confessed. Should I take her back?


Infidelity In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concerns here.

 
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 14th March 2009, 2:17 AM   #1
New Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 1
Wife got drunk, cheated, confessed. Should I take her back?

Before we met my wife struggled with a drinking problem. She also has been taking anti-depressants for years. The two are a really bad mix... she gets crazy when she drinks. Years ago she did some things she really regretted while drunk and on the meds. Just before we got serious, she hit rock bottom and agreed to stop drinking. She succeeded for many years, and everything was great. We got married. Things were perfect, up to a couple months ago.

For whatever reason my wife switched medications and started acting weird. She said she wanted to feel more independent and was thinking a lot about her old drinking days. She confessed she had a bit of a crush on a coworker, but I thought we had dealt with it. Just a few weeks ago she convinced me that she was better and it was okay for us to drink together. I don't know why, I guess I was feeling insecure, but I agreed. Stupid me.

Last night she was out of town for work and ended up getting drunk and sleeping with the coworker. Today she was so upset that she got an early flight (was due back tomorrow) and came back to confess everything to me. I am devastated and feeling like a real idiot for not seeing the signs. She says she feels like she's out of control and wants professional help. She's promised to quit drinking, to transfer her job, to get counseling, and do whatever else it takes to save our marriage.

I'm not sure what to do. I still love her, but I feel like I can't trust her any more. I don't know if I should believe it's just the drinking and the medication, or if this is just who she is. I feel kind of dumb for even getting involved with her in the first place, knowing her past.

Any thoughts would be appreciated.
unsinns is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 14th March 2009, 3:02 AM   #2
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: ******* deep in cow ****.
Posts: 3,622
You can't trust her now, but with proper help, maybe she will be able to be trusted again in the future. Don't be blinded by love, pity or her tears. Insist on her transfering, ABsolutely NC with her coworker, if he is married, his wife should know about this. Insist that your wife should be the one to do this. This will help prove her trustworthiness, and make her realize the horrible thing she has done. She also must be absolutely honest with you. Question her as many times as it takes to be sure she is telling the truth.She must seek intensive counselling about BOTH her drinking and her ADULTERY. If she hesitates, makes excuses, or does ANYTHING other than YOUR conditions, divorce her.
boldjack is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 14th March 2009, 3:04 AM   #3
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: ******* deep in cow ****.
Posts: 3,622
Unsinns, Right now you HAVE no marriage. With hard work and help, maybe you can have one again,
Good Luck.
boldjack is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 14th March 2009, 3:29 AM   #4
Established Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: So. Calif.
Posts: 1,206
1st Why did your wife have sex with the other guy, even heavy drinkers know right from wrong, and she knew all along what she was doing when she allowed herself to let this other man into her body. Drinking is no excuse for what she did. Why did she go back to drinking if she knew the new meds were causing a problem why didn't she switch the meds. I wouldn't be so quick to make any decisions here. She needs to fix herself. It seems that she has a propensity toward drinking when things arn't right for her, in this case to the extent that she may have thrown away her mge. You also had better get yourself checked for STD, in case she slept with this guy w/out protection. You cannot trust her. She needs to be completly remorseful, transparent and to agree to stop drinking immediatly. AA probably wouldn't hurt. Bottom line no matter what she does, you need to do what is right for you. She is the one who broke her vows and cheated without caring about you. So you decide what you want to do, and whatever happens, you make all the rules, and if you do stick around, she follows your rules completly, and without any complaint whatsoever for as long as it takes.
jnj express is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 14th March 2009, 3:57 AM   #5
Established Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2006
Posts: 36,435
Journal Entries: 2
Quote:
I'm not sure what to do. I still love her, but I feel like I can't trust her any more. I don't know if I should believe it's just the drinking and the medication, or if this is just who she is. I feel kind of dumb for even getting involved with her in the first place, knowing her past.
The drinking and the medication is who she is. You're going to have to accept these two major aspects of her, knowing she'll fall down sometimes and when that happens, you'll have to deal with the emotional fallout and devastation that ripples back to you, in all kinds of dysfunctional ways, such as her cheating or worse.

You decide whether you're now willing to accept her for who she is or whether this isn't something you want to sign on for, for the rest of your life.
Trialbyfire is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 14th March 2009, 10:07 AM   #6
Established Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: western pa.
Posts: 1,866
your wifes guilt bt fling home and confessing is a good sign.but she needs serious help.if she was doing good on the other meds, why'd she change them? you're both gonna need mc,plus wouldn't hurt her to start aa.
mark982 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 14th March 2009, 12:03 PM   #7
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 363
Quote:
Originally Posted by unsinns View Post
I'm not sure what to do. I still love her, but I feel like I can't trust her any more. I don't know if I should believe it's just the drinking and the medication, or if this is just who she is. I feel kind of dumb for even getting involved with her in the first place, knowing her past.

Any thoughts would be appreciated.
I have two questions:

1) How long have you been married?

2) Are there kids involved.

The answers to the above two questions should help you decide whether you want to stay married to this drunk cheater or not.
signedin2008 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 14th March 2009, 12:29 PM   #8
Established Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 451
Quote:
Originally Posted by unsinns View Post

For whatever reason my wife switched medications and started acting weird. She said she wanted to feel more independent and was thinking a lot about her old drinking days. She confessed she had a bit of a crush on a coworker, but I thought we had dealt with it. Just a few weeks ago she convinced me that she was better and it was okay for us to drink together. I don't know why, I guess I was feeling insecure, but I agreed. Stupid me.

Last night she was out of town for work and ended up getting drunk and sleeping with the coworker.
She is using the alcohol as the excuse. She wanted to sleep with him. So she did. The alcohol just let her do what she wanted to anyways. There has to be consequence to her actions. If you take her back by accepting the excuse she will not learn anything other then to blame her problems on her mental condition or drink or drugs. SHE WANTED TO HAVE SEX WITH THE COWORKER. THIS HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH HER DRINKING OR PILLS. HER MENTAL STATE IS ONLY A SYMPTOM OF HER INFIDELITY. THIS DID NOT HAPPEN IN A VACUUM.

I feel that there is much more to this story that you can relate which will give the board greater insight as to how advise in this situation. I will take a shot in the dark and say that she has a history of drinking, cheating, and casual sex. She may possibly be a victim of child abuse. And no you cannot trust her. She was always this way. She just fought it for years. But she has returned to it. Now you have to decide what to do. Can she go live somewhere else? Family?

The least you should require of her is to leave. You may love her. But she must be made to work for that love. She has to change jobs. write an NC letter. Tell the coworkers spouse. And then she has to make amends to you. She willingly betrayed you. Her mental state is her excuse. She is not owning what she did.
lostsunsets is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 14th March 2009, 12:59 PM   #9
Established Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2005
Posts: 2,775
A couple of things:
1. Do not have sex with her until she has been tested for STD's.
2. If the co-worker is married or has a girlfriend, then you need to inform them. This is absolutely essential that this must be exposed.
3. If the roles had been reversed, do you think she would be as forgiving and accepting as you have been?
Bryanp is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 15th March 2009, 7:04 PM   #10
Established Member
 
tami-chan's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 3,894
Ok, so have her tested for STDs, but who cares about the co-worker? That person is on his own. Remember, 12 months---12 months to at least know if you caught something or not.

In the meantime, tell your wife, she needs to be in rehab-full time, no physical contact from you, but be emotionally supportive. You go get counseling on your own. You might realize along the way, you do not need to carry this woman's burdens and love yourself enough to let her go(i.e. Divorce)....you know in your heart that she drank because she knew from past experiences that she was able to use that as an excuse for bad behavior.
tami-chan is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 16th March 2009, 1:09 AM   #11
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Midweat
Posts: 2,320
I'd wait and see if she follows through with getting help. She has a lot of work to do and her willingness to both initiate it and do it should give youan indication of wht to expect in the future , as well as whether she really has remorse.
The cofessing and flying home is fairly impressive relative to what we typically see.
Reggie is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 16th March 2009, 1:14 AM   #12
Established Member
 
tami-chan's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 3,894
Quote:
Originally Posted by Reggie View Post
The cofessing and flying home is fairly impressive relative to what we typically see.
Oh c'mon, Reg...why are you being too easy on the WS? I think what happened was, she got drunk, got laid, realized the OM was not THAT good in bed-he probably slobbered all over her or didn't ..er..."measure up" ...if he was, she would've stayed...
tami-chan is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 16th March 2009, 1:20 AM   #13
Established Member
 
White Flower's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: USA
Posts: 6,047
Quote:
Originally Posted by unsinns View Post
Last night she was out of town for work and ended up getting drunk and sleeping with the coworker. Today she was so upset that she got an early flight (was due back tomorrow) and came back to confess everything to me. I am devastated and feeling like a real idiot for not seeing the signs. She says she feels like she's out of control and wants professional help. She's promised to quit drinking, to transfer her job, to get counseling, and do whatever else it takes to save our marriage.

I'm not sure what to do. I still love her, but I feel like I can't trust her any more. I don't know if I should believe it's just the drinking and the medication, or if this is just who she is. I feel kind of dumb for even getting involved with her in the first place, knowing her past.

Any thoughts would be appreciated.
Well you knew she had a drinking problem before you married and you married her for better and for worse. It doesn't mean you were dumb, just in love.

Also, she came home early, confessed it all to you, and told you she needed help. Are you aware of how many of us are NEVER that lucky to get the truth? We are gaslighted until we no longer know what the truth is anymore. I would be grateful for her honesty no matter how much it hurt.

You can only change that which you know about. If you still love her and she has asked you for help then you should see her through it.
White Flower is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 16th March 2009, 1:26 AM   #14
Established Member
 
White Flower's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: USA
Posts: 6,047
Quote:
Originally Posted by tami-chan View Post
Oh c'mon, Reg...why are you being too easy on the WS? I think what happened was, she got drunk, got laid, realized the OM was not THAT good in bed-he probably slobbered all over her or didn't ..er..."measure up" ...if he was, she would've stayed...
You are degrading women and human beings everywhere! Are you saying that all women stay with men just because they have nice measurements?

And are you also saying that nobody can be truly sorry for anything?

Her H didn't have to drag the truth out of her, she came home early and confessed it on her own. Doesn't sound like dissatisfaction of the OM to me, other than she truly regrets being with him.
White Flower is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 16th March 2009, 1:56 AM   #15
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Midweat
Posts: 2,320
Quote:
Originally Posted by tami-chan View Post
Oh c'mon, Reg...why are you being too easy on the WS? I think what happened was, she got drunk, got laid, realized the OM was not THAT good in bed-he probably slobbered all over her or didn't ..er..."measure up" ...if he was, she would've stayed...
Just have not seen one like this. It's diffferent than the typical lying and blameshifting.
You mean to tell me slobbering is bad? Well, no wonder.... wish I'd known. I'm grabbing the yardstick(well, I guess a ruler would do).
Reggie is offline   Reply With Quote
 

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

 

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
I cheated on my wife - how do I win her back? Saddened_Husband Infidelity 47 2nd March 2009 12:17 PM
Girlfriend Cheated and confessed~! Want her back still ! Lonestar23 Cheating, Flirting, and Jealousy 48 18th October 2007 10:49 PM
he cheated, but confessed right away....now what bluegoo06 Second Chances 5 14th October 2007 2:04 PM
I cheated and confessed-3 years after it happened.. Raveness Cheating, Flirting, and Jealousy 5 6th December 2005 11:07 AM
One and a half days after I confessed that I cheated Sweetz Infidelity 40 18th November 2004 10:45 AM

 

All times are GMT -4. The time now is 5:22 PM.

Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.


Copyright © 1997-2013 LoveShack.org. All Rights Reserved.