I think I have a problem

[David231]

Let's start by saying I NEVER pictured myself in this kind of situation. I know I have to face some hard facts about myself, I am not looking for pity but for guidance on what to do from here. I have been married 9 years to a woman I started dating in High School. I had only sexually been with her. I have always been a sexual person, my wife is not (3-4 times a year). I also need and want someone who loves and care for me the way I want to love and care for them. This led me to my affair. The other woman is in a similar situation and found comfort in loving me. The physical affair lasted 3 months. This was only the 2nd woman I had been with and as an emotional person I fell in love with her. After three months she decided to try and maker her marriage work (this was her 2nd affair). I can respect her dicision, this is not where my problem comes in. A recent trip out of town led me to look for the comfort of another woman. We did not have sex but pretty much everything just short of it. I know this is BAD, I want to be a loving caring committed man but there is a part of me that want's to see what the world has to offer and can't keep my head burried in the sand any longer. Is this a mid life crisis or something worse. Please tell me I'm not the only one.

[Owl]

You're not the only one.

 

Feel better?

 

But with that said, that still in no fashion at all makes your choices or feelings "right"...nor does your situation justify all those other people who cheat on their spouses either.

 

So at this point...what do you want? Marriage to your wife? Or the opportunity to shaboink others?

 

The two ARE mutually exclusive goals...so pick one, and work towards it.

[Athena]

Dayumm thats tough if your W only wants sex 4 times a year!!!!!!!! and you have another 50 years more to look forward to that!

But -- why did you get married if you saw such a discrepancy in your sexual needs?

Is this the only thing you need from her in order to be faithful in your marriage? Or what?

 

I highly doubt this is a mid-life crisis, you are in your late twenties, right? hmm

 

Telling your W the truth about what you have been up to, is a start to getting your problems solved. Running off with OW is not going to solve the problems you have now, only compound them, and add to them.

Tell your wife and see what she thinks.

[Athena]

Please tell me I'm not the only one.

 

oh... and, you are not the only one. My dear husband has cheated on me several times, and on his previous wife too, several times! And, he has no excuse of not enough sex.... he has no excuse at all, that he can think of actually.

 

Do you want to become one of these confirmed serial cheaters? Or do you wish to work on your M with your W, to meet both of your needs, OR divorce and move on to find a healthy R.

Your choice. But be careful not to lose your integrity completely, since you are on the slippery slope of No Return.... and there are a LOT MORE OF YOU DOWN THERE (since you need to know you are not the only one doing this).

[wicar]

Let's start by saying I NEVER pictured myself in this kind of situation. I know I have to face some hard facts about myself, I am not looking for pity but for guidance on what to do from here. I have been married 9 years to a woman I started dating in High School. I had only sexually been with her. I have always been a sexual person, my wife is not (3-4 times a year). I also need and want someone who loves and care for me the way I want to love and care for them. This led me to my affair. The other woman is in a similar situation and found comfort in loving me. The physical affair lasted 3 months. This was only the 2nd woman I had been with and as an emotional person I fell in love with her. After three months she decided to try and maker her marriage work (this was her 2nd affair). I can respect her dicision, this is not where my problem comes in. A recent trip out of town led me to look for the comfort of another woman. We did not have sex but pretty much everything just short of it. I know this is BAD, I want to be a loving caring committed man but there is a part of me that want's to see what the world has to offer and can't keep my head burried in the sand any longer. Is this a mid life crisis or something worse. Please tell me I'm not the only one.

 

So what it is your wife's preference. If you wanted more then you should have talked to her about it honestly. Instead what you have done is extreamly wrong. You have cheated her and still looking for chances to sneak out. What you have to do is to tell her the truth about your sexual needs your cheating etc..... How would you feel if the opposite happens to you....?????

[z1850]

The problem is called "lust." That's a spiritual problem, and the solution involves discipline in taking thoughts captive. This is something you need to talk over with a minister or Christian counselor.

 

You've gotten a taste of extramarital sex, and you like it. But adultery is morally wrong, and you know that. The only way to control these immoral desires is for you to become the master of them spiritually, and this requires experienced Christian counseling as well as a conscious and willful decision to subordinate yourself to Christ.

 

Other types of social- or psychological-based counseling are relativistic, and while they may be effective in a sense, do not produce a lasting spiritual change and you do not learn to master sin.

[Reggie]

Did you ever talk to her about the intimacy issue, or was she expected to readyour mind? How about counseling? Had you tried or suggested it before cheating? What about seperation or divorce? Why go to the most damaging of "solutions" right away, if that is the case?

[HappyAgain]

Are you 100% certain your wife doesn't like sex or maybe that she doesn't like the "kind" of sex you two have? Have you ever spoken to her about this and asked her what she would like? Cheating is just so disrespectful.

[bentnotbroken]

The problem is called "lust." That's a spiritual problem, and the solution involves discipline in taking thoughts captive. This is something you need to talk over with a minister or Christian counselor.

 

You've gotten a taste of extramarital sex, and you like it. But adultery is morally wrong, and you know that. The only way to control these immoral desires is for you to become the master of them spiritually, and this requires experienced Christian counseling as well as a conscious and willful decision to subordinate yourself to Christ.

 

Other types of social- or psychological-based counseling are relativistic, and while they may be effective in a sense, do not produce a lasting spiritual change and you do not learn to master sin.

 

 

As a Christian I resent what you have to say about Christian counselors. They are people too and they don't stop you from sinning. They tell you the right from wrong(as does my counselor who hasn't discussed her belief system with me), then the choice is yours. You don't need the label of Christian counselor to do that. And we never master our sins, if we did there would be no need for God's grace and mercy to be given daily.

 

We are flesh, the flesh is weak. I don't agree with him cheating(and no one else), but to insinuate that a person has to be a Christian to be good at his or her job is absurd. Spiritual change comes from the heart. You allowing the Holy Spirit in and letting His will guide you. You don't need any counselor for that, you can do that all alone in your prayer closet.

 

But a psychological counselor can help one understand their weaknesses and help with behavior changes.

[tami-chan]

Did you ever talk to her about the intimacy issue, or was she expected to readyour mind? How about counseling? Had you tried or suggested it before cheating? What about seperation or divorce? Why go to the most damaging of "solutions" right away, if that is the case?

 

Everybody knows 3-4 times a year of sexual relations won't sustain a healthy, marriage, Reg. No mind reading needed here, I think. OP needs to be honest with his wife-the degree of dissatisfaction he feels....maybe if he is lucky his wife would "allow" him to have a GF...who knows?

[D-Lish]

The problem is called "lust." That's a spiritual problem, and the solution involves discipline in taking thoughts captive. This is something you need to talk over with a minister or Christian counselor.

 

You've gotten a taste of extramarital sex, and you like it. But adultery is morally wrong, and you know that. The only way to control these immoral desires is for you to become the master of them spiritually, and this requires experienced Christian counseling as well as a conscious and willful decision to subordinate yourself to Christ.

 

Other types of social- or psychological-based counseling are relativistic, and while they may be effective in a sense, do not produce a lasting spiritual change and you do not learn to master sin.

 

Did I miss something? Did the OP even mention he is a Christian? Did he mention having spiritual ties at all?

[KismetGirl]

The problem is called "lust." That's a spiritual problem, and the solution involves discipline in taking thoughts captive. This is something you need to talk over with a minister or Christian counselor.

 

You've gotten a taste of extramarital sex, and you like it. But adultery is morally wrong, and you know that. The only way to control these immoral desires is for you to become the master of them spiritually, and this requires experienced Christian counseling as well as a conscious and willful decision to subordinate yourself to Christ.

 

Other types of social- or psychological-based counseling are relativistic, and while they may be effective in a sense, do not produce a lasting spiritual change and you do not learn to master sin.

 

With all due respect, sex is an important part of a relationship, sex itself is not sin, and neither is having a physical desire for another person. It is a natural thing. He has not chosen a good way to deal with his problems, but telling him to go get Christian counseling is as effective as telling him to cut his own d**k off. For all you know, by the way, he could be Jewish, Muslim, atheist, or anything else, and your suggestion alone is minorly insulting. Hell, Im jewish and if you told me the answer to my problems was to get christian counseling, I'd be insulted. and it most certainly wont help me.

 

Anyway, sex is natural. If his wife is not willing to shag him but 3-4 times a year, and will not consider working on this area of their marriage, I do NOT see this marriage working. Telling him to just be happy with getting laid 3 times a year if he happens to be a person who needs it more than that is unrealistic. He will not be happy.

 

He shouldn't cheat on her though. He should try counseling (non religious) with an ubiased counselor. If he and his wife cannot come to a compromise regarding intimacy in their relationship, this realtionship is doomed to failure.

 

I dont think its wanting to know "waht else is out there" that is really David231's problem. I have a very good guy friend of mine who is 28 years old. I have been friends with him since we were 15years old. He is married, and has been with his wife for ten years, married for three. They are very happy, and I know for a fact that he gets curious about what other women might be like (it is only natural to be curious), but he NEVER even fathoms acting on it. Why? because he and his wife get along great. She's not a sex fiend, and he wants sex more often than she does, but she understands its an important part of a relationship and they make love on a regular basis, at the least a couple times a week. Me and him are very close so we discuss stuff like this all the time. It is very possible to be with the same woman since high school and stay faithful, but a relationship means COMPROMISE. If you cannot understand that a relationship needs intimacy to be successful in the long term, nothin will save you.

 

Why do you think you have cases of priests molesting little kids, huh? Because human beings are not meant to be celibate. There are perhaps those few that really can find other ways to be happy, but most people, especially men, need sex to be happy in a relationship. If we didn't , there wouldn't be relationships. We'd all just have friends and go have sex purely to reproduce. If you and your spouse are on opposite wavelengths when it comes to this, i dont care what anyone says, no amount of praying and cold showers will make those urges go away. Its natural.

 

This guy needs to decide what he wants: a sexless marriage, which is essentially a friendship, or a real marriage in which there is passion and intimacy. Cause i guarantee you, if he cant work this issue out with his wife, he'll cheat on her again, and again, and again. Not because he is a bad person, but because he is human. Call me crazy, but if a woman thinks she can f**k her husband 4 times a year and that he shoudl just deal with it is being ridiculously selfish, and a total b**ch. I bet David feels very unwanted and that is the real reason he found his way into another woman's arms.

 

David, you need to talk to your wife about this. Make a compromise. Maybe you wont be having sex every day, but I think once a week is a reasonable request, and unless she has some medical issue preventing her from being able to have sex (eg- some women have physical medical problems in which sex becomes actually painful) she should understand this is important and stop being so selfish. And you, David, if you havent spoken to her about this, need to do so. Cheating on her, I understand why you did it, but its not the answer to your problems my friend. You sound like someone who honestly wants a intimate relationship with his wife. If you cant find a middle ground with this woman, then it bodes for more problems down the line. If you wanted to have a roomate, you didnt have to get married.

[KismetGirl]

As a Christian I resent what you have to say about Christian counselors. They are people too and they don't stop you from sinning. They tell you the right from wrong(as does my counselor who hasn't discussed her belief system with me), then the choice is yours. You don't need the label of Christian counselor to do that. And we never master our sins, if we did there would be no need for God's grace and mercy to be given daily.

 

We are flesh, the flesh is weak. I don't agree with him cheating(and no one else), but to insinuate that a person has to be a Christian to be good at his or her job is absurd. Spiritual change comes from the heart. You allowing the Holy Spirit in and letting His will guide you. You don't need any counselor for that, you can do that all alone in your prayer closet.

 

But a psychological counselor can help one understand their weaknesses and help with behavior changes.

 

Well put love. I hate it when people try to push religious morality on others when they dont even know if thats appropriate for that person. That should be a personal decision. COunseling in this arena has nothing to do with spirituality.

[bentnotbroken]

With all due respect, sex is an important part of a relationship, sex itself is not sin, and neither is having a physical desire for another person. It is a natural thing. He has not chosen a good way to deal with his problems, but telling him to go get Christian counseling is as effective as telling him to cut his own d**k off. For all you know, by the way, he could be Jewish, Muslim, atheist, or anything else, and your suggestion alone is minorly insulting. Hell, Im jewish and if you told me the answer to my problems was to get christian counseling, I'd be insulted. and it most certainly wont help me.

 

Anyway, sex is natural. If his wife is not willing to shag him but 3-4 times a year, and will not consider working on this area of their marriage, I do NOT see this marriage working. Telling him to just be happy with getting laid 3 times a year if he happens to be a person who needs it more than that is unrealistic. He will not be happy.

 

He shouldn't cheat on her though. He should try counseling (non religious) with an ubiased counselor. If he and his wife cannot come to a compromise regarding intimacy in their relationship, this realtionship is doomed to failure.

 

I dont think its wanting to know "waht else is out there" that is really David231's problem. I have a very good guy friend of mine who is 28 years old. I have been friends with him since we were 15years old. He is married, and has been with his wife for ten years, married for three. They are very happy, and I know for a fact that he gets curious about what other women might be like (it is only natural to be curious), but he NEVER even fathoms acting on it. Why? because he and his wife get along great. She's not a sex fiend, and he wants sex more often than she does, but she understands its an important part of a relationship and they make love on a regular basis, at the least a couple times a week. Me and him are very close so we discuss stuff like this all the time. It is very possible to be with the same woman since high school and stay faithful, but a relationship means COMPROMISE. If you cannot understand that a relationship needs intimacy to be successful in the long term, nothin will save you.

 

Why do you think you have cases of priests molesting little kids, huh? Because human beings are not meant to be celibate. There are perhaps those few that really can find other ways to be happy, but most people, especially men, need sex to be happy in a relationship. If we didn't , there wouldn't be relationships. We'd all just have friends and go have sex purely to reproduce. If you and your spouse are on opposite wavelengths when it comes to this, i dont care what anyone says, no amount of praying and cold showers will make those urges go away. Its natural.

 

This guy needs to decide what he wants: a sexless marriage, which is essentially a friendship, or a real marriage in which there is passion and intimacy. Cause i guarantee you, if he cant work this issue out with his wife, he'll cheat on her again, and again, and again. Not because he is a bad person, but because he is human. Call me crazy, but if a woman thinks she can f**k her husband 4 times a year and that he shoudl just deal with it is being ridiculously selfish, and a total b**ch. I bet David feels very unwanted and that is the real reason he found his way into another woman's arms.

 

David, you need to talk to your wife about this. Make a compromise. Maybe you wont be having sex every day, but I think once a week is a reasonable request, and unless she has some medical issue preventing her from being able to have sex (eg- some women have physical medical problems in which sex becomes actually painful) she should understand this is important and stop being so selfish. And you, David, if you havent spoken to her about this, need to do so. Cheating on her, I understand why you did it, but its not the answer to your problems my friend. You sound like someone who honestly wants a intimate relationship with his wife. If you cant find a middle ground with this woman, then it bodes for more problems down the line. If you wanted to have a roomate, you didnt have to get married.

 

 

I don't agree with priest molesting because it isn't natural to not have sex. Some molesters are married and getting all they can handle. At least the one living down the street from me did. That is a perversion that really does need a psychiatric eval as well as imprisonment for a little street justice. I have no patience for those who hurt kids.

 

Kis, we all want intimacy and love from our spouses. We all don't' cheat. He has an excuse, not a reason. I think they need counseling,but it seems by his post he has decided that he has missed something by being faithful and he wants to explore. I would suggest telling his wife and then leaving the marriage.

 

As so many OW have stated, sex isn't the reason men(or women) cheat. I believe it really is a lack of coping skills and character. Especially repeat cheaters. Her not having sex with him is an issue, for some a big issue, but that isn't a reason to destroy some one's world. And intimacy doesn't necessarily mean sex.

 

I know you are hurting, and I can see you are entering the anger phase. Get it out, then decide which way you are going.

[z1850]

David has a problem. It's called adultery. Adultery is a moral problem, and the solution to this is to exercise discipline both personally and professionally in maintaining his boundaries, and focusing his affection on his wife where it belongs.

 

We are all capable of mastering that sort of discipline--otherwise society would be in a state of anarchy. Sometimes counseling can be effective in driving that point home, as well as understanding factors which led to the problem in the first place.

 

Since KismetGirl is Jewish, she should be familiar with the commandment, "Thou shalt not commit adultery" from the Old Testament. In fact, it is entirely appropriate to push this kind of morality on others. That's a major part of this Forum.

 

My suggestion to seek Christian counseling relates to the fact that only God through Christ can renew your heart, and a renewed heart is the only permanent solution to sin. David can take or leave this last piece of advice.

[Reggie]

Everybody knows 3-4 times a year of sexual relations won't sustain a healthy, marriage, Reg. No mind reading needed here, I think. OP needs to be honest with his wife-the degree of dissatisfaction he feels....maybe if he is lucky his wife would "allow" him to have a GF...who knows?

 

Yes, but the fact that it seems evident does not relieve him of his responsibility to talk to her, advocate change or divorce. Maybe he tried communicatin and advocating counseling. I don't know, as he has not responded.

Seems that the key in these situations where folks are not on the same page about sex is to communicate.

[David231]

KismetGirl, you are amazing. Tears filled my eyes with your response. I have talked with my W about the lack of intamacy for the past 6-7 years and she sees my concerns as selfish. I do want someone who craves being with me as much as I do them. Someone who appreciates me rather than just counts on me being there. Living without passion oi like eating lettuce all your life and then when you taste a 5 course meals worth of it from a passionate person it's almos impossible to go back to the nonpassion. I Love my family, but am afraid I will spend the rest of my life looking for what I know I can have, a passionate loving intamate relationship. And yes I am a Christian and that aspect of this is burning my soul.

[dreamlover]

David123, I just want to share something with you. I am a woman, for the last 8 years, i did not want to have sex with my husband, it is not that I do not want to, love sex, but I did not enjoy it with my husband. I bet my husband has the same frustration as you do. I cheated too because it becomes a sexless marriage too. And I am still young and have the nature desire.

 

The reason that I did not want sex with my husband and lead me cheat is that we have a lot of other issues that build up big resentment inside me that I just do not want to accept him anymore.

 

So I do not know your situation, but it might be other reasons that your wife does not want sex, that could be any other issues between you two.

 

As a woman, the emtional connection is the base for me to have sex with a man. I do not know if this is the case for your wife.

[pkn06002]

David,

 

Do you have kids?

[Reggie]

KismetGirl, you are amazing. Tears filled my eyes with your response. I have talked with my W about the lack of intamacy for the past 6-7 years and she sees my concerns as selfish. I do want someone who craves being with me as much as I do them. Someone who appreciates me rather than just counts on me being there. Living without passion oi like eating lettuce all your life and then when you taste a 5 course meals worth of it from a passionate person it's almos impossible to go back to the nonpassion. I Love my family, but am afraid I will spend the rest of my life looking for what I know I can have, a passionate loving intamate relationship. And yes I am a Christian and that aspect of this is burning my soul.

 

This is not all that uncommon, apparently, the sexless marriage. I went through it, as well and it is horrible. There can be many reasons for it, physical, or resentment, or being continually rejected or ridiculed so as to kill desire.

But, the reality is that there are options, honorable options, other than cheating.

I am constantly amazed, with the availability of divorce, why folks choose such a damaging course as cheating. As David says, it not only hurts the BS incredibly, but it eats folks with a conscience up.

Why is it that folks fear divorce so much in these situations? It seems short sighted to leave a legacy of cheating rather than to go through the pain of divorce.

[Untouchable_Fire]

I have talked with my W about the lack of intamacy for the past 6-7 years and she sees my concerns as selfish. I do want someone who craves being with me as much as I do them. Someone who appreciates me rather than just counts on me being there. Living without passion oi like eating lettuce all your life and then when you taste a 5 course meals worth of it from a passionate person it's almos impossible to go back to the nonpassion. I Love my family, but am afraid I will spend the rest of my life looking for what I know I can have, a passionate loving intamate relationship. And yes I am a Christian and that aspect of this is burning my soul.

 

Hey, I've been there. For me it never got better, no matter how hard I worked, no matter how hard I tried. Some really good women are just broken when it comes to sex, and no man can fix it.

 

Talk to your pastor. This is abandonment, which is Christian grounds for divorce. You need to start things moving in the right direction, and that means action. If threatening her with divorce then so be it!

 

Listen, cheating is easy. I took that route too. It wasn't worth it. Get her into counseling, she won't listen to you. It has to be someone else.

[Untouchable_Fire]

The reason that I did not want sex with my husband and lead me cheat is that we have a lot of other issues that build up big resentment inside me that I just do not want to accept him anymore.

 

Are you still blaming him? He did XYZ so I was forced to do ABC?

 

C'mon... the sexless marriage 100% was your fault. The cheating was 100% your fault! Stop trying to bury your guilt with bullcrap.

 

At some point you need to face the truth. Maybe your marriage is just not salvageable, and hasn't been for some time.

[pkn06002]

This is not all that uncommon, apparently, the sexless marriage. I went through it, as well and it is horrible. There can be many reasons for it, physical, or resentment, or being continually rejected or ridiculed so as to kill desire.

But, the reality is that there are options, honorable options, other than cheating.

I am constantly amazed, with the availability of divorce, why folks choose such a damaging course as cheating. As David says, it not only hurts the BS incredibly, but it eats folks with a conscience up.

Why is it that folks fear divorce so much in these situations? It seems short sighted to leave a legacy of cheating rather than to go through the pain of divorce.

 

Because here is the deal Reggie, even though you seem (and your not alone) that Divorce is just such a simple answer.

 

If there are kids involved it is really difficult to say yes to these two thoughts.

 

1) Are you ready to become a part-time parent?

2) Are you ready to have someone else raise your kids?

 

Cheating gets you what you need/want without having to take on those two thoughts. Because your right Divorce is logically easy but not emotionally until you can answer those types of thoughts with a definite yes in your mind.

[jwi71]

Because here is the deal Reggie, even though you seem (and your not alone) that Divorce is just such a simple answer.

 

If there are kids involved it is really difficult to say yes to these two thoughts.

 

1) Are you ready to become a part-time parent?

2) Are you ready to have someone else raise your kids?

 

Cheating gets you what you need/want without having to take on those two thoughts. Because your right Divorce is logically easy but not emotionally until you can answer those types of thoughts with a definite yes in your mind.

 

Doesn't cheating potentially lead to the same results? In fact, isn't cheating elevating the risk?

 

Now your partner files for D, you become a part-time parent and some-else raises your kids because you cheated.

 

Not following your logic here.

[pkn06002]

Doesn't cheating potentially lead to the same results? In fact, isn't cheating elevating the risk?

 

Now your partner files for D, you become a part-time parent and some-else raises your kids because you cheated.

 

Not following your logic here.

 

Yes it elevates the risk if you are caught.

 

But in a lot of cases for WS I will bet they think like this.

 

"I am not happy but I am not so miserable I am willing to leave."

 

Especially when there are kids involved.

 

So you cheat it is the easiest solution to a difficult problem. The right solution not really but it is a solution. The best solution is resolution through talking but as we see from the OP's post that has gone no where. See what a BS will NEVER understand is the think that a WS has that leads down the path. You can become so frustrated that you really no longer think about the effects on your kids or eventual outcomes, you just know your current pain and want a release.

 

BS seem to deal with things different, you all seem to just buck it up. But you can relate to one thing after the affair is found out what do most BS's focus on??? Yes that is right THEIR pain and how the WS needs to help "fix it". Same feelings different side of the coin.

 

So if he has kids I see these solutions.

 

1) Answering Yes to the two thoughts I posted, and divorcing then chasing the dream.

 

2) Bucking it up until he can answer Yes to those questions.

 

3) Getting his wife to change into someone he can be happy with.

 

4) Bucking it up playing the "moral card" and being miserable the rest of his life.