Still struggling but it's getting better

[suemaya786]

I haven't posted here for many many months I suppose because I've been busy healing and repairing my M.

Firstly, I would like to apologise for my various outbursts before, I have no excuses suffice it to say my head was mashed up!

I am slowly weaning myself off the anti-depressants and have benefited from months of counselling.

I am still with my H and it has been 15 months since I discovered his A. It has undoubtedly been the hardest thing I have ever done but it is getting easier. My H has really tried he tells me he loves me several times a day he's very affectionate, cuddles and kisses all the time, he still cooks as often as I do and helps round the house, he also has much more time for the kids.

After my home was so badly used, abused and soiled by the pair of them I have replaced most things including the bed, but now I'm moving house and I'm going to try and see this new 'clean' home as a new start. At least I'll get comfort from knowing that B**CH hasn't even seen our new place let alone soiled it with her presence.

I do still have bad days anything can start it off, it doesn't take much, sometimes it lasts for hours, other times it can be a day or two maybe more. I'm wondering if the reason for this is I STILL can't believe he did this to me, especially as he's being the loving H and doting father he used to be before the A. On my black days I am certain I can't do this and I tell him so. On my good days and bad my H is full of remorse and guilt, we have had rows, lots of them of course we have, he's no mouse but I'm certin he's truly sorry. Is it the norm to have such bad days this far on in the healing process? I'm also wondering if coming off the anti-depressants is opening up old wounds, has anyone else found this?

I emailed the OW extensively for several months because I just had to know details. I don't honestly know if it is a good idea doing that but I just couldn't stop myself, I had to know. Some don't want to know about it, others do, I'm obviously the latter. Most of the details I got from the OW my H just confirmed and sometmes denied them. I don't know to this day who's telling the truth. And yes.... it does matter to me you know where you are with the truth.

If there is anyone out there who has been through a similar situation perhaps you can help me with one or two issues I still have. My H said while he was having the affair he still loved me but (yes you've guessed it) he was not 'in love' with me, he was in love with the OW. If that was true, and he did actually love me, how could he of done the terrible things he did? Now he says he is 'in love' with me, that he has never loved anyone like he loves me, he would never ever do it again because he now knows, no-one comes close. How can that be? How could he of had such little respect, in fact it feels like hatred towards me because of the terrible things he did, can anyone explain?

I would love to be in his head for just one day! Does anyone have any ideas or advice?

[ForumFool]

Hi I am sorry for your pain and don't really have good answers. I tend to think sometimes people see the grass is greener and because they feel bad about themselves....old....dull whatever they are starting to feel insecure about....they feel that they are IN LOVE with the other person but in reality they are in love with how they THINK that person makes them feel about themself.....Here is an example...every time I have been IN LOVE I felt like a high...was up...felt like I was the fox of the world....but after a while.....when things settle down and you have bills together and kids and nobody is stroking your ego 24/7 you feel ...just like you......and if you don't like YOU much then sometimes one looks for others.

When I read some of my lying cheating, stealing no good husbands secret emails .....I was stunned that he said so often he was lonely....well I kept saying that to him about me..I was here all along...I had been building him up....telling him what a great husband he was (even though I knew he wasn't) and how good he was at this and that.......in his emails I was someone to be "endured" over the weekends . He talked to the girls about how he was OLD but he could still get it up and blabbed a lot about music.....what got me was his music was all mine...things I discovered and shared with him...My point in telling you all this is....he felt ****ty about himself in many ways....and got a high being this person he kinda pretended or even THOUGHT he was online.... (some people get this in person..hey a new fresh person to put you up there on a pedestal)

I could be wrong but i think your hubby felt he was IN LOVE because it was new meat and it (the newness and relationship) made him feel like the man he either use to be or wished he was/is

 

I am really sorry you are hurt still but its cool you have made so much progress

[suemaya786]

Thanks FF for taking the time to reply.

It seems I must of really offended many when I last posted here!

Sorry guys!

I think you're right some men, after years of being in the same relationship, seem to need to find out if they've still 'got it', when they find they have they either won't or don't want to stop, obviously it's nothing to do with can't. My H is extremely handsome I'm afraid, I used to (and still do) tell him this all the time but it meant so much more to be told this by 'fresh meat'!

When I lost my father I withdrew, didn't want to know about sex but my H was supportive and loving and (I thought) understanding. He put up with this situation for around 3 months then went looking. Firstly, he went on the sex sites, dozens of them but never signed up fully and never paid anything so he couldn't do much. Then he got into porn and masterbation, at least 2-3 times a day! The the opportunity in the form of this OW arose and he grabbed it with both hands.... for 2 years.

They shag**d like rabits sometimes as much as 3 times a day, he said she was crap in bed (he would wouldn't he) but as long as he ejaculated it was good for him. He said they would do it anytime they were alone if they could and for him just to 'feel' a woman was far better than masterbating. (See what I mean about me needing to know details!)

Now, here with me trying to move on, we often go 7-10 days between sex, he says I satisfy him like no one else, but we have both had such an emotional battering we're not going to 'do it' as often????? I feel, obviously, like I don't match up, what do you think?

As I told you I'm moving house soon, if you read my original post you will understand why I can't wait! Before I move I would like to be rid of all this sh*t in my head, is that possible? Or is it inevitable I will take it with me.

I find myself wanting to discuss it with him more and more, obviously he doesn't relish the idea. He never mentions it and when I do I see his eyes glaze over, I don't know what I want to know, am I deliberately hanging on to it all and if so, why the hell would I do that?

I'm thinking along the lines of contacting the OW again, she was the one to 'spill the beans' mainly, he just confirmed what she said, he also denies several things she told me, who do I believe? I'm sure you would say let it go, but this is not an option for me, I feel I would be building our 'new' relationship on lies. I've told him many times the truth may hurt but once it's out in the open you can deal with it and then move on. You can't move on with lies, they come home to haunt you eventually.

[65tr6]

I am slowly weaning myself off the anti-depressants and have benefited from months of counselling.?

 

suemaya, first of all, i think you are doing great. You obviously took it real hard, like in my case, except I didnt want to go on the anti-depressants. May be that prolonged my grieving process a little longer but I definitely feel a lot better.

 

How long has it been since you came off the anti-depressents ?

 

 

I emailed the OW extensively for several months because I just had to know details. I don't honestly know if it is a good idea doing that but I just couldn't stop myself, I had to know. Some don't want to know about it, others do, I'm obviously the latter. Most of the details I got from the OW my H just confirmed and sometmes denied them. I don't know to this day who's telling the truth. And yes.... it does matter to me you know where you are with the truth.?

 

Dont contact OW. Not worth it. I am the same way as you are. I need to know the details. Why dont you ask your husband all those same questions ? What part of honest and open communication is being left out here in your recovery process ?

[suemaya786]

suemaya, first of all, i think you are doing great. You obviously took it real hard, like in my case, except I didnt want to go on the anti-depressants. May be that prolonged my grieving process a little longer but I definitely feel a lot better.

 

How long has it been since you came off the anti-depressents ?

 

 

 

Dont contact OW. Not worth it. I am the same way as you are. I need to know the details. Why dont you ask your husband all those same questions ? What part of honest and open communication is being left out here in your recovery process ?

Thanks 65 some days it doesn't feel too great! I have no self confidence, used to have plenty, I feel old and un-attractive (although my H constantly tells me the opposite) I'm damaged goods I guess.

I took very hard, as I said in previous posts, I have nursed my beautiful daughter through leukaemia when she was 11 months old (she's now 21!) lost the only truly reliable man in my life whom I adored, my father. But nothing prepared me for, or nearly destroyed me like my H affair, who I also adored. Many, many times I sat with a pile of pills in front of me trying to think of a good reason not to take them, obviously I came up with one, well two actually, my two young sons.

I took the anti-depressants because I was desperate. I have cut them right down to 2 pills a week, as per doc's orders. I wouldn't recommend them, you are right not to take them, when you come off them and your senses return you seem to grieve all over again, a double whammy so to speak.

What part of honest and open communication is being left out here in your recovery process ?

What do you mean?

[65tr6]

What do you mean?

I dont understand why you have to ask OW all the questions. Why is your husband not telling you what you need to know ?

 

Is the affair completely dead ?

[suemaya786]

I had to ask her all the questions because he is such a lying bas**rd!

Once the A was out in the open, he was brought down with a mighty bump, after realising what it was he really wanted he was then into damage control. Or else he is just a coward. I would ask him questions, of course he would say what I wanted to hear, but you know yourself the more you ask, the more details you get it often doesn't make sense, especially if they are lying. So, I asked the OW. Of course she lied to me too for 2 years during the A but now she had nothing to lose, unlike him.

That's why I asked her. He had no idea I was mailing her, I would confront him armed with what I knew during one of our 'discussions' and he would lie. Only after going on and on at him he would eventually admit to whatever. His reasons for lying? He didn't want to hurt me more.

My problem now is, as I said, she told me some quite important stuff but even after 3 MONTHS of asking him he still says she is lying, even though I have never found her out in a lie.

I will never heal till he comes clean, will I?

How do I make him tell/admit the truth??? Any ideas?

 

I am absolutely CERTAIN the A is over, she has moved 3 hours away, he works from home and he's never away for long enough, plus he's in no doubt about what would happen if he even got in touch with her. I'm really not concerned on that score.

[65tr6]

I will never heal till he comes clean, will I?

How do I make him tell/admit the truth??? Any ideas?

 

I went back and read your painful story. Lot of parallels between yours and mine except the culprit being my wife in my case. And ofcourse she being a woman adds its own complications

 

First, I think you answered the question yourself....Difficult to heal until he comes ABSOLUTELY clean.

 

Did you tell him he is hurting you much much more by NOT answering all the questions you have ? I am sure you did. I know it is a struggle. But you have to take charge. I dont know why so many WS have trouble opening up even after admitting that they made their biggest blunder of their life.

 

How do you make him tell you the truth ? I dont know. I thought it follows logically.....once the affair comes out in the open. You have two choices. Kick the spouse out or fight for your marriage - with the implicit understanding that you both work through the destruction caused. And that includes open and honest communication. About anything.

 

If he so remorseful and willing to work with you, why is he not answering your questions ? Has he been this way from the beginning or it it just when it comes to revealing the gory details ?

 

My wife wont admit anything on her own but when I ask her she is willing to pretty reveal anything. It does get extremely tense at times but we have learnt to take the timeouts when we see things are getting out of control.

 

Your husband is in love with you now ? You believe that ? So what is the problem in him answering your questions ? How are you both coming along in identifying and meeting each others needs ?

[anne1707]

My problem now is, as I said, she told me some quite important stuff but even after 3 MONTHS of asking him he still says she is lying, even though I have never found her out in a lie.

I will never heal till he comes clean, will I?

How do I make him tell/admit the truth??? Any ideas?

 

 

It may be that she is the one that is lying and that your H is telling the truth. It would be very easy for her to lie in an email as she can plan what she wants to say, does not have to watch her body language and does not have to remain in contact with you on a face to face basis after the lie. I am not saying your H isn't lying but I think it is a hell of a lot easier for her to get away with lying than it is for him.

 

There is also the fact that your H may be lying about some details to protect your feelings - may be he thinks there are some things you should not hear as they may hurt too much. Whilst it is not good if he is not telling the full truth, it may not be entirely "bad" of him in that he does not want to hurt you any more (no, I am not trying to say he is right to do this, I just think this may be something he is doing with good intentions).

 

No matter how much you contact the OW, it will not help resolve the issues in your marriage. The person you need to speak to is your H. I also think that you need MC and that you also possibly need individual counselling to give you the opportunity to work through your pain and come to terms with what you want to do next in your life, whether that is to stay married or to move on.