gettingoverit719 Posted January 9, 2009 Share Posted January 9, 2009 I decided to post my story so everyone on here knows what I went through. My husband and I have been married for 20 years. He is the love of my life. Fifteen months ago my husband had an affair with a female co-worker. This OW knew my husband was married. My H said it started with just casual flirting. (they work in a big factory) She had to come to his job site for repairs. Next thing he knew, (they wear coveralls) she was flashing her breasts, or lets say making them visable. One thing led to another, they ended up spending time at work together, both taking a sick day from work to go to her house, and the night I found out about the affair went like this.... My H went to another town where our daughter is attending school to do house repairs where she lives ( 2 days prior to this we became first time grandparents) so why I stayed home he went. Little did I know she met him there the second day. Our daughter didn't know where her dad went, and called me to see if he had called. Later, she saw his truck in a hotel parking lot. He wasn't answering his phone for anyone. She left him a message saying we had a family emergency. Within a few minutes out of the hotel he came. Our daughter called me crying telling me her father was having an affair. When I found out all the sorted details, he told me the reason for the affair was that he was lonley, and she was of a different race and he was curious. It has been a long and hard road for me. My H can't change jobs (it's not an option) and it's so hard knowing that the OW is there everyday. I think our marriage is getting stronger everyday, but in the back of my head I still wonder if she talks to him ( he says not) ect... I just want everyone out there who thinks it's ok to have an affair to think about your spouse first. My husbands affair destroyed a part of me for a long time. If your bored or lonley in your marriage, speak up! If you truly love your spouse don't put them through it. The hurt is immense. Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted January 9, 2009 Share Posted January 9, 2009 bullsh##t. Your husband CAN change jobs. It is ALWAYS an option. Its just an excuse. He can keep his current job until he finds another one. I've heard all the pitiful excuses on why someone can't find another job and they never hold water. Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted January 9, 2009 Share Posted January 9, 2009 *hugs* your daughter did a very brave thing even though she understood how painful the results would be. There's no excuse for stupidity, and i hope your husband realizes that some things just cannot be taken back ... are you looking into marriage counseling to get the tools you need to rebuild the relationship? If cost is a problem, check to see if any local churches or organizations offer marriage enrichment courses, or even go online and find programs there. (WeVowNow and marriagebuilders come to mind) Link to post Share on other sites
dannydrifter Posted January 9, 2009 Share Posted January 9, 2009 I am not trying to excuse your husband whatsoever in any way. I just wanted to let you know, that just because he did this doesn't mean he doesn't love you. He probably still loves you very much and if he cheated it was purely physical/sexual. Of course that makes it very wrong still, but perhaps you could find some comfort in knowing that the majority of men cheat for "sex" and the release aspect of it, whereas women seem to cheat for love. Meaning, if he was a woman and you were a man, the dynamics of the affair would be much different and he would be "moving on" at this pont in love with another and ready to throw you out the window (like many WW do to their husband). But in your case, I am sure your marriage will survive since your hubby just wanted to have some fun and he fell to the pressure. Not right, of course. But keep it in mind, and please don't go looking for love elsewhere either. You will be ok. Go see a MC or even your church priest. Good luck and keep your chin up. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 9, 2009 Share Posted January 9, 2009 My husbands affair destroyed a part of me for a long time. If your bored or lonley in your marriage, speak up! If you truly love your spouse don't put them through it. The hurt is immense. OP, thanks for sharing that experience. Your H made a very poor and hurtful choice. Have you seen a marriage counselor? Regarding jobs, everyone has an option, even the POTUS. We all make choices and have options. Your H can verifiably disconnect himself from the former OW if he wants to. If I were in your shoes, that and MC would be conditions for the marriage continuing. I say that as someone who's had an EA. Best wishes to you and your daughter Link to post Share on other sites
Author gettingoverit719 Posted January 9, 2009 Author Share Posted January 9, 2009 Really finding another job isn't an option. My husband has 18 years at his job. He brings home 70,000 a year. 12 more years and he retires and has a full pension. The way the economy is in todays world, finding another job isn't an option! Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 9, 2009 Share Posted January 9, 2009 Then he can ask for a transfer so he doesn't have to see or deal with the exOW. Anyway, I really hope he isn't still hanging out with the OW and flirting with her at work. I hope he is remorseful and doing everything he can to make things right again with you. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 9, 2009 Share Posted January 9, 2009 This OW knew my husband was married. My H said it started with just casual flirting But he allowed "it" to happen. Also, yes she knew he was married but obviously she didn't give a crap about you and your kids. Problem is HE knew HE was married, and that didn't stop him. He had an active choice to say NO and instead he let his thing between his legs and ego take over. For that, he needs to do individual counselling to find out WHY he let himself be with another woman and betray you so deeply, lie and hide all this. If he hadn't been busted, do you think the A would still be on-going? Link to post Share on other sites
Adri Ana Posted January 9, 2009 Share Posted January 9, 2009 I would hardly believe they are still talking after all had come out to be clear and known .. This would make all their affair lose the charm . But if they were in love,and true love feelings were there , then it`s already a problem . Even changing jobs would not help .. Link to post Share on other sites
Geishawhelk Posted January 9, 2009 Share Posted January 9, 2009 He had an affair because, bottom line, he felt like it. Whenever people cheat, have affairs, betray their spouses, there's something about their relationship they can't be bothered to make an effort to work on. An affair is the symptom. The hiccough in the relationship is the cause. problem is, it might not even be obvious. One person (usually the BS) may even be completely unaware that a 'reason' exists. Desire is natural. Cheating - or commitment - is a free choice. he's a skunk for having lied to you and betrayed you. And things like this don't happen because of flirting.... it's not an accident.... people don't find themselves in bed together and think "oops! How did we get here?" Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 9, 2009 Share Posted January 9, 2009 Really finding another job isn't an option. My husband has 18 years at his job. He brings home 70,000 a year. 12 more years and he retires and has a full pension. The way the economy is in todays world, finding another job isn't an option! OP, how has your H proffered proactive verifiable proof of discontinuing contact with the xOW? He can still work with her and proactively offer such proof. He can also proactively offer instances where they have to have contact and what that contact is. Have you seen a marriage counselor? If not, make an appointment. At your husband's salary (and attendant benefit package), I'm sure it's affordable. I would see this as a necessary compromise on his part to retain both the stability of his job and his family Does that seem fair to you? Link to post Share on other sites
snoopy girl Posted January 14, 2009 Share Posted January 14, 2009 i feel for you, about his job, my h of 25 yrs had a job over 19 yrs and was doing alot of crap on the job, affairs i'm not sure but nudie bars and dining out all the time and not telling me all the nasty things he had to do with other girls. my h was a beer man. corp. late nights out of town meetings, promotion, football games anything to do with beer. and you have the beer girls. about 2yrs ago i found out all kinds of crap.. told him i was not going to stick around for more and he changed his job. he has a new job same money and instead of beer, its a drink co. head of his branch and as far as i know he still keeps intouch with all the beer co-workers. so see changing a job will not stop him. only he can stop it. and you or us will have to live with the mistrust we have in our h. but i will say changing his job makes me feel alittle better. Link to post Share on other sites
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