He was accused of cheating on me... What to believe?

[TigerMed23]

I am an army wife, and we have been married for almost a year now. Earlier this year my husband's chain of command started investigating allegations made against him that he had slept with someone who is much lower in rank than him, which is a big no-no in the army. The girl says they had an affair for about six months. During the time period she states the affair happened, my husband and I were living together. It would have ended between them around the time we got engaged, and she says she ended it. At the same time they brought up the sexual misconduct charge, they also brought him up on a charge of helping the girl get a fake family care plan. He admitted that he did help her with that so that she could stay in the army and provide for her child.

 

My husband came to me as soon as he found out she was saying all of this and told me about it, but said the part about the affair wasn't true. He even showed me a copy of the statement she made accusing him. I should tell you that she only came forward with this statement about my husband after the army caught the fake family care plan and kicked her out.

 

He was convicted of all charges, and they took rank away from him.

 

He still swears to me it isn't true. I don't know what to believe. I've tried to talk to him about it, and he says he's just incredibly hurt that I would ever believe he would cheat on me. I'm extremely nonconfrontational by nature, so I haven't pressed it an farther than that.

 

The thing that is the slap in the face after the fact is that when he lost rank he also lost pay, and I'm working sixty plus hours a week in a high stress job (I'm a paramedic) in order to give us a "normal" Christmas where we can get presents for everyone and buy plane tickets to see family. I also attend college full time. Needless to say, I'm running myself into exhaustion. I can't keep up with cleaning or laundry and he sits at home playing video games while I'm working. I know he's been depressed about this situation, but I feel like I'm the one suffering for his mistakes. He says I'm not being very supportive, but how can I be when I'm still not sure whether or not he cheated on me? We also haven't had sex for two months. It seems like neither of us is ever interested. I know why I'm not, but why is he not interested in me?

 

Yesterday I took a half day off from work to go to a concert with my friends. I haven't done anything with them in over a month. When I called to tell him I was leaving work early he called me lazy. I hung up on him and stayed at my friend's house last night. He sent me several text messages and left me voice messages saying he was just teasing and that he's sorry, but that was the last straw for me.

 

I am in desperate need of some advice, I just don't know what to do. I haven't told any of my friends or family the situation because I'm so embarassed.

[You'reasian]

If you don't mind me asking, what was his rank?

[porter218]

All I can say is he is guilty as sin. That must be really hard for you to have to work harder to make up financially for his infidelity. You should call his bluff and tell him there is no way you can stay in a marriage with a liar..he either has to confess to you or leave. It's not like you would loose anything anyway...he is lazy and ungrateful, and don't forget unfaithful. The least you deserve is to hear the truth out of his mouth.

[Reggie]

Can you get a transcript of the proceedings? I suspect the evidence was way more than a he said/ she said deal if there was a finding of guilt. They do not take action on the mere word of one person without corroboration.

[pelicanpreacher]

Can you somehow get your hands on the investigation transcripts? If they convicted him of actions unbecoming then I'd have to believe they accrued some pretty d@mning evidence against him to make a charge like that stick. JMO!

[whichwayisup]

If you don't mind me asking' date=' what was his rank?[/quote']

She may not want to give out that type of information here, just incase. Better to leave out certain details as this is a public forum...

 

When I called to tell him I was leaving work early he called me lazy. I hung up on him and stayed at my friend's house last night. He sent me several text messages and left me voice messages saying he was just teasing and that he's sorry, but that was the last straw for me.

 

For someone who should be showing you he's trustworthy and wanting to prove himself to you, he certainly isn't doing a good job! What a jerky thing to say to you! And, even though he's saying it was a joke, it wasn't.

 

Hmm, I wonder if he'd take a lie detector test if you asked him to???

[travelgirl]

Is there anyway for you to get in touch with the OW?

 

I just don't get why he would possibly do something illegal for another women, especially lower ranked then him, while enlisted unless there was something in it for him. That said, he did help her so I am not sure why she had to sell him out unless she was bitter that he broke up with her to be with you. I mean, if she was receiving the plan for free to support her kid, why would she ruin that? It doesn't all make sense.

 

Regardless, he is not telling the whole truth here. Supporting him while he is depressed is not what should be happening here. Get to the bottom of this, tell him you need to go to marriage counseling ASAP.

[pelicanpreacher]

She got busted by a routine audit so when the military authorities came over threatening her with Federal jail time her dam broke and she gave up every misdeed she could remember from the age of 6. I'm not surprised at how quietly the base commander handled this for the last thing they need is the upper echelon lowering the boom on their careers for allowing illegal fraternization(s) that blossomed into embezzlement on their watch.

[OWoman]

Is there anyway for you to get in touch with the OW?

 

I don't see the point of that - she's already given her evidence to the court martial, she's not going to want to go through all that again for no conceivable benefit to herself and instead considerable more anguish. Besides, why would the OP take her word?

 

I just don't get why he would possibly do something illegal for another women, especially lower ranked then him, while enlisted unless there was something in it for him.

 

My thoughts exactly. Why risk an established career - and he MUST have known the potential consequences - for some rank and filer... unless she means something to you? Besides, the fact that the OP knew nothing of this, or of her, strengthens the suspicion that whatever was at play wasn't innocent. If he wanted to "help out a friend", surely he'd have discussed it with his W - particularly given that the risks were going to be hers, too? Even if it wasn't a PA, there was still a betrayal of trust at a very fundamental level - but my money's on there having been a PA.

 

Tiger, I've no idea why you stay with this man! Irrespective of whether or not he slept with this subordinate, he has still

* caused significant financial and other negative consequences for you

* engaged in illicit activities with someone, putting your financial security at risk, without consulting you or even informing you - until he was bust;

* responded defensively and with hostility to you despite clearly being in the wrong;

* been completely unsupportive towards you while YOU'RE picking up the fall-out from his wrongdoing;

* hidden behind his "depression" instead of actively seeking to make amends and take responsibility for his actions;

* made it all your problem and then still tried to guilt-trip you for not doing enough, whether "jokingly" in bad taste or just simply in bad taste.

 

Clearly, he is incapable of acting like an adult in a relationship and is unable to accept responsibility for his actions - he is indeed unfitting for rank, and IMO unfitting as husband material too. Do you want to parent him, or would you prefer a partner who could be an equal to you and on whom YOU could rely?

 

I reckon you're being short-changed here, and not just financially.

[Owl]

OK...I may have missed this, but was he processed under Article 15, or was this taken to a court martial?

 

It matters, as the investigative procedures are much more stringent under court martial. Typically those are handled at the IG level, whereas if he accepted punishment under Article 15, the investigation may have been kept within the chain of command.

 

If it was the latter...MAYBE they were mistaken. But, that is a HUGE maybe.

 

I've NEVER seen a successful prosecution for infidelity without TONS and TONS of proof. And that proof is very, VERY hard to get. Circumstantial evidence isn't sufficient. It had to be a lot more than just what she said...there had to be a lot of cooberating statements from other witnesses who saw them behaving inappropriately, etc...

 

Frankly, if they succeeded in busting him for it, the odds are extremely high that he was guilty of the charges.

 

Realize as well that even in the military he had the right of appeal.

 

If he felt he was unjustly treated, he had the option to appeal to the next higher level. Did he do this?

[You'reasian]

This might sound old-fashioned, but always be faithful to your wife (or husband). Considering the responses, it sounds like the lower-ranked individual might have been a shifty individual , the man in question at a low point.

[Athena]

TigerMed,

 

My advice to you is to talk about your situation with your friends and family. You need a support group, and while it is fine to get advice from people here on the board, no one knows you as well as your friends do, and they will be better able to advise you.

 

As far as I can see... if the army found him guilty of ALL CHARGES, then that INCLUDES the sexual affair with that woman. What else do you need?

Do you honestly think that your H will willingly concede what he did -- and take the risk of further losing what he has in his life right now? -- his marriage? Also, it might be possible that he only got engaged to you after she dropped him, and that might be worrying him if it came out now. I am sure he is feeling VERY vulnerable right now and is trying to protect himself from possible consequences from you.

 

Perhaps, instead of an open confrontational question such as "Did you have an affair with that woman?", you could broach the subject in a way that allows him to talk to you... and I am pretty sure that by now he is really in desperate need to talk to Someone about what is going on with him mentally -- and I say this because he seems depressed by his actions... his unwillingness to have sex, his playing his games at home, and not doing more constructive things. I also find it revealing that he called you 'lazy' when you took a little bit of time off... and I think that is what he really thinks of himself!

 

The fact that he has been demoted in a military career -- where rank is so important -- must hit him hard. I am sure he would be relieved to tell you what really happened but he must fear that you would leave him if he did come clean... then what would he have left in his life?

If you make it easier for him to confess, you might be able to get him to talk openly and honestly about your marriage. Therefore you might want to broach the subject by saying something like, "I would be open to talking about what happened with that woman and you. I am sure you are feeling very betrayed by her actions, and the resulting consequences you have had to face. I see that you are really down and depressed and perhaps you are worried about me leaving you if you are honest with me. But I would like you to know that you can be truthful with me, and we can talk about what's been worrying you"

[DealingWDrama]

I understand your embarrassment! I also agree that you should talk to your family or at least your girlfriends about this. I understand why you don't want to talk to you family because if you do and you and your husband work things out then they will always know - you will be afraid that they will always bring things up or will hold onto resentment towards him.

 

I don't think it is possible for you to get the transcripts of the hearing - whether it is an article 15 or a court martial...as a civilian you won't have the right to have those transcripts even though you are his wife. He could request them, but will he show them to you? That's the question.

 

You have some serious soul searching to do. Marriages can survive infedelity, but it is HARD and it is a long road. I wish you well.

[TigerMed23]

Thanks for all of the support. It's been a lifesaver.

 

I'd rather not give out rank info as this is a public board. I can say that this whole thing was taken care of at the lowest level by an article 15. His lawyer advised us not to take it to court martial. We have filed an appeal, but it takes time.

 

As for why he helped her with her family care plan, he said he was just trying to help out a soldier who had no place to go outside of the army. On many occasions he's done things to help out lower ranking soldiers, though nothing illegal that I know of. I guess it should be noted that when she was caught with the fake care plan she made several statements that got a lot of people in trouble, but my husband was the only one she made sexual allegations against.

 

I'm going to dinner tonight with a good friend and I'm planning on asking her advice and going home and talking to him about all of this. A lot of you made some good points and gave good suggestions on how to approach this. I think we really need to talk this out before I make any major decisions, but at the very least we need MC.

 

Thanks again for all the advice and support.

[Owl]

I'd agree that at the very least you need MC...that's a given.

 

I'm very curious tho...what do you think she stands to gain with her accusation?

 

It won't get her back into the military. Your H only tried to help (according to his version)...so there'd be no reason for her to have anything against him.

 

If her claims are false...what reason would she have to make them? What does she gain? What's the benefit?

 

I can see the benefit for him to lie about it, however. Several, in fact. If he admits the truth, he stands to lose more than just rank. He stands to lose his marriage as well.

 

Something else to consider...if he IS lying, MC will be useless.

 

I'd be more inclined to believe that he's guilty and lying about it rather than think that she is. She has little to gain from the lie, where he has a lot to lose if it were true.

[Athena]

So -- what happened with your friend at dinner, and then when you confronted Hubby?

[signedin2008]

One advice, three words for you:

 

LIE DETECTOR TEST

 

It will cost you some money, but it is money worth spending. It will bring out the truth instead of you spending hours, months, years, and maybe even decades wondering what really happened.

 

Almost no cheater will admit to cheating unless undisputable evidence were presented. He cannot expect you to blindly trust him after all that, can he? Once again.....

 

LIE DETECTOR TEST.

[porter218]

Thanks for all of the support. It's been a lifesaver.

 

I'd rather not give out rank info as this is a public board. I can say that this whole thing was taken care of at the lowest level by an article 15. His lawyer advised us not to take it to court martial. We have filed an appeal, but it takes time.

 

As for why he helped her with her family care plan, he said he was just trying to help out a soldier who had no place to go outside of the army. On many occasions he's done things to help out lower ranking soldiers, though nothing illegal that I know of. I guess it should be noted that when she was caught with the fake care plan she made several statements that got a lot of people in trouble, but my husband was the only one she made sexual allegations against.

 

I'm going to dinner tonight with a good friend and I'm planning on asking her advice and going home and talking to him about all of this. A lot of you made some good points and gave good suggestions on how to approach this. I think we really need to talk this out before I make any major decisions, but at the very least we need MC.

 

Thanks again for all the advice and support.

Tiger, one of my closest friends is in the army and she talks about this very situation all the time. Apparently it is very common for married men in the army to have flings with lower ranking women. Even my close friend has been guilty of this several times with a few men who are married and all high ranking. She has also talked about how prevalent these affairs are over seas and a lot of them end in a pregnancy and the women getting sent back home. I have to say that I would bet a lot on the fact that your husband is one of these guilty men. My close friend is not the only one who has talked about this to me so I know it isn't just her experience with the army.