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withdrawal after affair ended


tigger2008

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Are there any men that can answer this honestly. If you had an affair and loved the OW and it had to end do you ever think about her and if so for how long after? and are there any men out there who have stayed with their wives just so they can be with their kids?

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Yes I am the other man who was/is so in love with the other woman and ther is not a moment that goes by on any given day I do not think of her . We used to talk all the time constantly and I miss her . She has gone to work on her marriage for the 5 th year in a row . Every September she drops me like a hot potatoe and does not return for months :sick: , When She does return she always trys to come across like nothing even happened . I am stupid enough to take her back . At the present time I am in Month number Three of not having her in my life . I have been told by others this relationship is toxic for me anjd I should know better . We have Chemistry plain and simple from communiction , to all the physical stuff . I have never known any women to take to me like this . I am not proud of my actions but i do not want to wreck my kids home life . I will wait to they are older and out of school before I do anything .

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hi usedandabused

thanks for your response so there really are men out there that stay just for the kids!! i am an o/w whose affair ended a year ago and i have a son to him ,he chose to stay only for his children even though he loved me and doesnt love his wife (see my other post) there is not a day that goes by that i dont think of him but i totally understand and accept he is there only for his kids as he cant bare to be away from them. Why are you still in your marriage?

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Tigger, I posted on your thread on the OW forum, but thought I'd add something here.

 

You're not doing yourself any good at all by sitting here speculating what's going on in his mind or in his life.

 

He made a choice...its over.

 

The best thing for YOU right now is to turn your focus back on YOU...and get it off of him.

 

Do you have friends and family that can support you through this rough time? What steps are you taking to fill the time that you used to spend with him?

 

What are you doing to burn off that excess energy? Working out? Running? Getting re-engaged in an old hobby...starting a new one?

 

In other words...while I know you miss him terribly, the best thing you can do right now is NOT to feed your desire to guess at what's going on with him, but change your focus and start taking care of YOU.

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hi usedandabused

thanks for your response so there really are men out there that stay just for the kids!! i am an o/w whose affair ended a year ago and i have a son to him ,he chose to stay only for his children even though he loved me and doesnt love his wife (see my other post) there is not a day that goes by that i dont think of him but i totally understand and accept he is there only for his kids as he cant bare to be away from them. Why are you still in your marriage?

 

Isn't your child one of his kids? He already bonded with his kids and will get joint custody of them. If he loves you not her why would he not want to be with you and HIS kid. Sorry his actions do not equal his words. Why is your kid worth less to him than her kid?

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I stay in my marriage because my wife asked me too and my OW did not want me moving out just yet. I think I need to try to stop thinking of her but i do not know how . I am hurting so so badly even after three months and it always seems she knows just when to call me every 8-9 days just to say hi . I know i am her safety net right now . But I need to discontinue that . Look at my previous posts from a couple years back and you will get the history . I just cannot seem to tell this woman NO! I am addicted to her and I need help .

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I stay in my marriage because my wife asked me too and my OW did not want me moving out just yet. I think I need to try to stop thinking of her but i do not know how . I am hurting so so badly even after three months and it always seems she knows just when to call me every 8-9 days just to say hi . I know i am her safety net right now . But I need to discontinue that . Look at my previous posts from a couple years back and you will get the history . I just cannot seem to tell this woman NO! I am addicted to her and I need help .

 

Have you started marriage counseling with your wife?

 

Do you have ANY contact still ongoing with your OW? ANY kind of contact at all?

 

How long has it been since your last contact with her?

 

What have you done to start actually repairing things in your marriage?

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thanks Owl i know your right i havent really got family and my friends DO NOT know the circumstances around my son so there is no one i can talk to about this.I feel most of the time i am over it until i look at my beautiful son and think how can his father turn his back on him just because he is told to do so

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Dexter Morgan
Are there any men that can answer this honestly. If you had an affair and loved the OW and it had to end do you ever think about her and if so for how long after? and are there any men out there who have stayed with their wives just so they can be with their kids?

 

When I found out about my x-wife, I tried to stay, and it was PURELY for the kids. Because I really was disgusted by the sight of her after that, but was fearful for my kids. In the end, staying for the kids is the wrong reason. And I realized that if their world was turned upside down, it was her doing, not because of my divorcing her.

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Thanks Dexter Morgan

How long did you try and make it work for? did you eventually stop loving her because of what she had done? did you through it back in her face all the time?

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What do you tell your friends and family about the boy's father?

 

What do you plan on telling HIM about his father when he's older?

 

Better let the truth be known from the beginning, rather than out as a huge shock later.

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are there any men out there who have stayed with their wives just so they can be with their kids?

 

Tiger, my father was such a person. He stayed with my mother until all the kids were out of the house, then he left her to be with his OW (now his W, together for more than two decades). So yes, there are men out there who do that. Read around, you'll see some more threads about that.

 

However, that doesn't necessarily apply to your situation. You too have a kids with your MM. If he was so into his kids, why would he make the choice he's made - to have some of them full-time, and the other not-at-all, instead of opting for shared custody of the marital kids, and a role (full-time or part-time) in the life of his other kid (yours)? Sorry, but it doesn't add up - parenting is not his prime motivator here - he's just looking for a soft excuse IMO.

 

My MM sees far more of his kids now, after leaving his BW, than he did when they were still together. He is the primary custodial parent, and they're fully here when they're here - unlike when they were still "a family unit" with his BW and the kids were just in hiding all the time. So by leaving, he got to stay WITH the kids, rather than staying "for" them, in no one's interests (except perhaps the BW's, but I doubt even that). So leaving doesn't mean losing the kids, and can mean gaining them.

 

But whatever the reason, your MM has chosen to stay in his M and to break it off with you. You have to accept that however much he loved you, it wasn't enough. It wasn't enough for him to leave his W, his home, his cozy family unit. He chose - it wasn't forced on him. Yes, he may miss you - and in all likelihood does. That changes nothing - he still left you. You owe it to yourself to move on from someone who loved you less than you loved him, and who lacked the balls either to tell you that or to act on the great love he claims he felt for you. Your kid deserves a mother who is strong and happy, and you deserve to be that mother. Not someone's sad discard waiting, hoping, pining...

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Dexter Morgan
Thanks Dexter Morgan

How long did you try and make it work for? did you eventually stop loving her because of what she had done? did you through it back in her face all the time?

 

Oh, I'd say it was almost 2 months before I decided. Yes, I threw it back at her all the time. But towards the last month, not so much so. Really at that point I didn't even bother. i knew what I wanted to do and that I didn't want to waste my breath.

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