dating, but he's married

[Blondie]

I don't want anyone to judge me, first of all. I am new to this kind of experience, and have never liked being cheated on. But I met this man, and we both knew instantly, that there was something there. He has been unhappily married for 17 years, and has never cheated before. I have always been too moralistic to be that way. We have now been seeing each other for 3 months. We have only had sex once in that time, so I know it's not just sex on his part. We mainly meet and have lunch, and talk, and talk on the net every night. I am crazy about this guy, and am so happy when I'm with him. But he won't leave his wife, because of his kids. Should I just wait around, or should I just get out now, even though it will hurt like hell? I NEED advice bad!! Like I said, I'm new to this, and I have always been the good girl type - but I know that I'm starting to fall hard. Please help!!!!!!!!

[clia]

You need to get out of this relationship as soon as possible. He's been honest with you and told you he will not leave his wife and kids. So, if you stick around, what will you get out of it? It might be nice to have the company for a short while, but eventually you are going to want more and want a real relationship. Plan on spending Valentine's Day, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year's Eve, Fourth of July, etc., alone while he is with his family. Plan on being unable to introduce him to your family and friends, or if you can, hiding the truth about your "relationship." Plan on lots of lonely nights when he is with his wife and kids. Plan on lots more heartache in the years going forward than you will ever have if you end things now.

 

And he says he's never cheated before, but how do you really know that's true? I'd love to give him the benefit of the doubt, but it seems that he's fallen into "cheating" fairly easily. It's completely asinine to stay unhappily married "just for the kids", because I don't believe it makes the kids any better off if their parents are living in the same home, yet not getting along. (I was a rare kid who cheered when my parents finally split up.) There may be more at stake here than you are aware of.

 

Get out before you fall even harder and get more emotionally invested. It will hurt like crazy, but you really have nothing to gain by sitting around and waiting for him. You will only end up losing in this situation.

 

I don't want anyone to judge me, first of all. I am new to this kind of experience, and have never liked being cheated on. But I met this man, and we both knew instantly, that there was something there. He has been unhappily married for 17 years, and has never cheated before. I have always been too moralistic to be that way. We have now been seeing each other for 3 months. We have only had sex once in that time, so I know it's not just sex on his part. We mainly meet and have lunch, and talk, and talk on the net every night. I am crazy about this guy, and am so happy when I'm with him. But he won't leave his wife, because of his kids. Should I just wait around, or should I just get out now, even though it will hurt like hell? I NEED advice bad!! Like I said, I'm new to this, and I have always been the good girl type - but I know that I'm starting to fall hard. Please help!!!!!!!!

[BeenThere]

You already know what the answer is, Blondie. I think what you're looking for is an excuse to continue ignoring the fact that this man has a wife and kids...a reason to block out the voice of your own good conscience so you can carry on your little romantic fantasies. And if you are having sex with this man on the sly, and have already been made fully aware that he IS NOT going to leave his family for you...than this IS "just sex" on BOTH your parts. Afterall, this relationship (or should I say affair) will not lead anywhere except a dead end. And what other excuse would some dog give you for cheating on his wife other than "I'm not happy." You're probably not the first woman he's cheated with and don't kid yourself that you're going to be his last.

 

You know, if I were his wife, I'd pick up and leave in the middle of the night and leave the both of you the responsibility of raising the kids. When REAL LIFE sets in, you'll see just how quickly the excitement of 'forbidden sex' looses its appeal and how quickly your Prince Charming turns back into a toad.

 

Its time to awaken from your little dream world and snap back into reality!

 

I don't want anyone to judge me, first of all. I am new to this kind of experience, and have never liked being cheated on. But I met this man, and we both knew instantly, that there was something there. He has been unhappily married for 17 years, and has never cheated before. I have always been too moralistic to be that way. We have now been seeing each other for 3 months. We have only had sex once in that time, so I know it's not just sex on his part. We mainly meet and have lunch, and talk, and talk on the net every night. I am crazy about this guy, and am so happy when I'm with him. But he won't leave his wife, because of his kids. Should I just wait around, or should I just get out now, even though it will hurt like hell? I NEED advice bad!! Like I said, I'm new to this, and I have always been the good girl type - but I know that I'm starting to fall hard. Please help!!!!!!!!

[Tony T]

This is a decision only YOU can make. You have got the entire circumstances down correctly and you don't seem to be kidding yourself one bit. You are one of the first mistresses who seems to be grounded, rational, and reality based.

 

Continue this and, yes, you will be hurt. The longer you continue, the more hurt you will feel when it's over. Your actions may also severely hurt an entire family and probably bust it all up.

 

I don't buy that you are this goodie goodie moralistic lady because there are just way way way way way way way too many single men out there for you to be plugging away at getting a married guy to leave his wife and children to be with you...so sorry, I'm not buying that.

 

I've seen this scenario hundreds of times and there's never a winner. If this guy does leave his wife when the kids are grown, he'll be tired of you by that time, he'll never, ever trust you because he knows you have no qualms about having affairs with people who are married, and he'll be so free he'll want to be a player for a while.

 

Right now, this guy doesn't care about you half a bit because you're only comic relief for him. Your a toy for him to play with, talk to, etc....to liven up his dull life. You're like TV, or golf, or fishing or a good movie to him...nothing more. And you come free of charge.

 

If you were any more than those things to him, he would get a divorce and marry you, or at least give things a chance.

 

I hope you make a good solid decision here and get back on the moralistic track you alleged you were on...at least at one time.

[Karlee]

Get out before he gets you pregnant and then goes home to his real wife and life

[Blondie]

This is a decision only YOU can make. You have got the entire circumstances down correctly and you don't seem to be kidding yourself one bit. You are one of the first mistresses who seems to be grounded, rational, and reality based. Continue this and, yes, you will be hurt. The longer you continue, the more hurt you will feel when it's over. Your actions may also severely hurt an entire family and probably bust it all up. I don't buy that you are this goodie goodie moralistic lady because there are just way way way way way way way too many single men out there for you to be plugging away at getting a married guy to leave his wife and children to be with you...so sorry, I'm not buying that. I've seen this scenario hundreds of times and there's never a winner. If this guy does leave his wife when the kids are grown, he'll be tired of you by that time, he'll never, ever trust you because he knows you have no qualms about having affairs with people who are married, and he'll be so free he'll want to be a player for a while.

 

Right now, this guy doesn't care about you half a bit because you're only comic relief for him. Your a toy for him to play with, talk to, etc....to liven up his dull life. You're like TV, or golf, or fishing or a good movie to him...nothing more. And you come free of charge. If you were any more than those things to him, he would get a divorce and marry you, or at least give things a chance. I hope you make a good solid decision here and get back on the moralistic track you alleged you were on...at least at one time. Thank you to everyone for your responses and your honesty. I think I already knew the answer, I just wanted to hear it from someone else. I have already decided that no matter how much I care, I don't want to hurt anyone else - I've had it happen to me before, and know how it feels. I especially do not want to be someone's mistress for life. As I said before, I have never done this before - I did not look for this. It happened.

 

Thank you, Tony, especially - your response was very much to the point, and somewhat brutal - but eye opening. If you see me that way, then he must too, and I know that I'm not like that. Thanks again for your answers.... I'm doing the right thing.

[ok]

Why is it when someone wants to justify the emotional feelings and the physical pleasure they experience with a married person, they resort to implying that they were incapable of resisting their lustful feelings and if that's not enough, trivializing their previous moral behavior as being "too moralistic"?

 

Please end this relationship. You are investing time, your body, and your spirit with a married man who does not love you.

 

He really likes the attention, getting his penis pleasured, etc.

 

It won't be enough for him to leave his wife. so why are you corrupting yourself this way?

[Blondie]

You need to get out of this relationship as soon as possible. He's been honest with you and told you he will not leave his wife and kids. So, if you stick around, what will you get out of it? It might be nice to have the company for a short while, but eventually you are going to want more and want a real relationship. Plan on spending Valentine's Day, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year's Eve, Fourth of July, etc., alone while he is with his family. Plan on being unable to introduce him to your family and friends, or if you can, hiding the truth about your "relationship." Plan on lots of lonely nights when he is with his wife and kids. Plan on lots more heartache in the years going forward than you will ever have if you end things now. And he says he's never cheated before, but how do you really know that's true? I'd love to give him the benefit of the doubt, but it seems that he's fallen into "cheating" fairly easily. It's completely asinine to stay unhappily married "just for the kids", because I don't believe it makes the kids any better off if their parents are living in the same home, yet not getting along. (I was a rare kid who cheered when my parents finally split up.) There may be more at stake here than you are aware of. Get out before you fall even harder and get more emotionally invested. It will hurt like crazy, but you really have nothing to gain by sitting around and waiting for him. You will only end up losing in this situation.

Thanks for your honesty and advice. I already have known the answer. I guess I just needed to hear it from someone else. I know what I have to do, not that it doesn't hurt...but so does living with myself, knowing that I am hurting someone, maybe like me. Thank you

[Blondie]

You already know what the answer is, Blondie. I think what you're looking for is an excuse to continue ignoring the fact that this man has a wife and kids...a reason to block out the voice of your own good conscience so you can carry on your little romantic fantasies. And if you are having sex with this man on the sly, and have already been made fully aware that he IS NOT going to leave his family for you...than this IS "just sex" on BOTH your parts. Afterall, this relationship (or should I say affair) will not lead anywhere except a dead end. And what other excuse would some dog give you for cheating on his wife other than "I'm not happy." You're probably not the first woman he's cheated with and don't kid yourself that you're going to be his last.

 

You know, if I were his wife, I'd pick up and leave in the middle of the night and leave the both of you the responsibility of raising the kids. When REAL LIFE sets in, you'll see just how quickly the excitement of 'forbidden sex' looses its appeal and how quickly your Prince Charming turns back into a toad. Its time to awaken from your little dream world and snap back into reality!

Thanks for your answer - I already knew what was best to do, but sometimes it helps to hear it from someone else. Maybe part of me was hoping for an excuse to not end it, but only because he is the first man I have cared about in years, since my ex cheated on me, then kicked my daughter and I out. I know how it feels to be hurt, and hurting someone else was not my intent - believe me! And you know, if it was " just sex ", it would be easier to have walked away before now. There has been no excitement of forbidden sex, only forbidden feelings. But I knew, and I know, what I have to do. I know that I can't live with myself, if I am deliberately hurting other people, especially a woman who may very well be like me. I am not cold and heartless by any means. I will admit, that it hurts. But, thanks anyway

[Laurynn]

Hi there...

 

You wrote: "But I met this man, and we both knew instantly, that there was something there. He has been unhappily married for 17 years, and has never cheated before."

 

The only 'something there' was lust or physical attraction. Nothing deeper. You can't possibly "know" someone the moment you meet them.

 

As for his CLAIM of having been unhappily married for the past 17 yrs and that he's never cheated before, I'm willing to bet the farm that he's full of sh*t.

 

Of course he's not going to say he has a good marriage, right? Almost all men who are having a fling on the side fill the woman's head with crap about what a bad marriage they have, their wife is a nag, she's unstable, he only stays for the kids, bla bla bla. Buncha crap. A REAL man would not allow himself to stay in an UNhappy marriage.....and a REAL man would know that his children aren't stupid and they're not going to thrive in a home where parents have an unhappy marriage. Also..if he's been married for as long as he has, surely to God his kids aren't toddlers? ....wouldn't they at least be in their early teens? Well I'm sure teens are old enough to accept their parents divorcing...they may not like it but it happens each day. He's handing you a big line of bull here.

 

And the fact that he claims to have never cheated before....sure!! So what made him start with you? Don't even think for a minute that you're not the first person. If he could do it with you, he's most likely done it in the past. Again, another line of bull.

 

And he's made it clear that he'll never leave his wife and kids......so that shows me right there that his marriage isn't as "BAD" as he's leading you to believe. Again, most people don't stay for 17 yrs (or even 5 yrs) in an unhappy marriage.......which is exactly why divorce is so prevalent these days.

 

I hate to say it, Blondie, but he's using you. He could be having a midlife crisis and wants a little fun on the side to make him feel young/desirable....maybe he's bored in his marriage....maybe he's always been a cheating prick......who knows the reason, but regardless, this isn't going to go anywhere......and if he DID leave his wife for you, what will stop him from cheating on YOU down the road? We've already seen that he's more than capable of cheating on someone after nearly 2 decades of marriage.

 

If his marriage is so unhappy (which I don't believe it is), then perhaps he should get off his ass and try to work on it with his wife.....and all the time that you two spend having lunch and talking, and chatting online, maybe the bastard should think enough about the woman he vowed himself to (wife), and his family (kids) and DO SOMETHING if his marriage isn't great. Counselling (couple, group, individual), read books, TALK, etc.

 

How could you even respect a man who claims to be in an unhappy marriage (with older kids) but remains there anyway? If it IS so bad, then obviously he's leading his wife on...and his presence is leading her to believe that their marriage is good and that he's content. SO he's a dog on many counts. And it doesn't matter that you've only had sex once, he's still a dog. He made a lifetime commitment to his wife......'for better or worse'...'in good times and in bad'.....'forsaking all others'.......those are serious promises he made to her. He's obviously not much of a man of his word. What else will he welch on? What other lies does he tell?

 

Leave him ASAP!.....he can't possibly give you what you need or deserve.

 

L

[quankanne]

yep, Laurynn's called right, once again. If it looks like a dog, smells like a dog and barks like a dog, guess what? It's a dog.

 

He's just using you, honey, and it's not going to improve any if you stay with him. If he actually happened to divorce his wife for you, just how long would it take him to fall into the arms of someone else? If he's going to cheat on his wife with you, then he's more than like going to cheat on you, too.

 

Dump him, and fast, because you deserve better than what he can offer you.

[velvet]

Have you considered that what your feeling is not being in love but infatuation, and irrational attraction?

 

You say you were cheated on once, maybe you lost trust in your moralities based on that, and decided you were going to be the mistress and see how far you can control an already married man!

 

If you have invested too much feeling into this, than you should back out. Simply, next time he calls tell him to give you a call when he is divorced. He does not deserve the smallest explanation.

 

The infatuation grows more because he is married and unavailable to you as a real man. Hes nothing more than just fun. I think when you walk away from him you will wonder why you never did it earlier. I think the feelings you have for him are fake. You just dont know it yet!

 

Thank you, Tony, especially - your response was very much to the point, and somewhat brutal - but eye opening. If you see me that way, then he must too, and I know that I'm not like that. Thanks again for your answers.... I'm doing the right thing.

[RACHEL]

Listen:

 

GET OUt now.

 

You sound like a nice person, not a marriage breaker. A person who's been in a marriage for that long , or even for a short time, will NOT leave for an affair....

 

Listen; Take the power away.... take control... You need to ask your self WHY you would do something like that?

 

Dr. Phil was on Oprah one day , and this woman called... she was in her forties... she had been in an affair for 20 years, yes TWENTY.... she said she had always wanted to be married and have children, yet, she had given this man her whole YOUTH, which can't be replace with anything.

 

SO, finally after 20 years, she wants to know what to do?

 

He said LEAVE NOW.... then he said; ask yourself, why would you even do that to yourself?

 

You are in this situation and can't see clearly, when you get out and a few months pass, you will see clearly that this man was clearly using you...

 

Do you think that SEX is the only way of using a person?

 

Obviously, since you said BUT WE ONLY HAD SEX ONCE...

 

You idiot! You are filling very important emotional needs....You are making him feel like a prince and wonderful.... he can dump his problems on you and receive sympathy.

 

Do you think you are the only woman this has happened to before?

 

Read down this board from just the past two weeks. I think two other women had posted as well..... GET OUT NOW.

 

Listen; in this life it is up to OURSELVES to take care of us....

 

Please keep us posted... OK? We'll help you through it

 

I don't want anyone to judge me, first of all. I am new to this kind of experience, and have never liked being cheated on. But I met this man, and we both knew instantly, that there was something there. He has been unhappily married for 17 years, and has never cheated before. I have always been too moralistic to be that way. We have now been seeing each other for 3 months. We have only had sex once in that time, so I know it's not just sex on his part. We mainly meet and have lunch, and talk, and talk on the net every night. I am crazy about this guy, and am so happy when I'm with him. But he won't leave his wife, because of his kids. Should I just wait around, or should I just get out now, even though it will hurt like hell? I NEED advice bad!! Like I said, I'm new to this, and I have always been the good girl type - but I know that I'm starting to fall hard. Please help!!!!!!!!