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Too soon to renew vows after the affair??


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Old 16th September 2008, 8:36 PM   #1
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Question Too soon to renew vows after the affair??

My H and I have always planned on renewing our vows ever since the first A was uncovered. We have had a long and bumpy road since that day and I am really not feeling any where close to ready to renew. My H recently stated that he wanted to go ahead and set the date for our next anniversary. It isn't until next September, and I have to admit the timing seems good. Our daughter will be 8/9 months old so she will be able to attend(with the help of a nanny) along with our son. Also we will be at our most favorite resort in the world, which would be a beautiful setting for it. I just don't know, how soon is too soon? I don't want to tell him no but at the same time I don't want to jump into saying our vows again just to have them trampled on again. I am reasonably happy with him finally, but I still don't feel like I trust him to keep it together.

Here is the last part of our timeline. I caught him in several As and one which was a full blown EA/PA in late March of '07. I kicked him out that night and filed for D the next day. We hardly talked for months, and during that time he was cleaning up his life. He cut contact with all the OW( not my request, at the time I didn't care anymore) and started to cut out all the bad influences in his life. We became mildly friendly in August '07 and took 2 big family vacations together, but I was still determined to D him. By Christmas '07 I decided to halt the D process and took him back. He moved back in around new years day this year and he has been like a new man. In March we decided to get pregnant again to have our last child before our son got too old and got pregnant with a girl immediately. Part of me feels like having another child with him should be enough commitment from me at the moment. I guess I feel like I haven't pulled that other foot back in the door so to speak. Have any of you renewed your vows after your SOs A?? And if so how long after the A did you do it? Should I just stop being such an @ss and just do it?

Last edited by porter218; 16th September 2008 at 8:57 PM..
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Old 16th September 2008, 9:09 PM   #2
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i suppose if it were me i would ask him for SPECIFIC reasons why he finds this important.

i would look for clues in the info he gives.
  • is he taking the vows seriously?
  • is he viewing the vows as a commitment or just as a manipulation for appearances sake?
  • why is it so important to him at this time?
  • what plan does he have in place should he consider another affair?
  • what words does he have in mind for the vows to be presented? this might tell you a few things...
  • has he apologized for his actions and betrayal?
  • you say he has been great for this year - but what has he done specifically to make amends to you and your marriage?
  • why does he think renewing vows will change things from the way they are now?


just a few things to throw out there... i would be interested to know what he responds with.
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Old 16th September 2008, 9:32 PM   #3
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Even more importantly, does he know all the reasons why he entered into affairs? If so, what has he done about fixing these issues within himself?
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Old 16th September 2008, 9:40 PM   #4
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  • is he taking the vows seriously? He seems to be, but only time will tell
  • is he viewing the vows as a commitment or just as a manipulation for appearances sake? This one I am unsure of
  • why is it so important to him at this time? He claims that he wants a chance to make them true again..I feel like talk is cheap, I'll beleive it when I see it for years on end
  • what plan does he have in place should he consider another affair? well of coarse he says it will never happen again. He will not even entertain the idea of the possibility
  • what words does he have in mind for the vows to be presented? this might tell you a few things... Now this is a good question. I will ask him next time he brings it up.
  • has he apologized for his actions and betrayal? over and over again I would have never looked at him again if he didn't show remorse.
  • you say he has been great for this year - but what has he done specifically to make amends to you and your marriage? He has started spending all of his free time with me and our son, he answers any question I ask about anything with no problem, he has started to contribute more money to our expenses, going to church, and more involved with my family, become more responsible for watching our son when I have a crazy work schedule, has cut all contact with his friends that are a bad influence, goes to MC and IC, generally a more involved H and father.
  • why does he think renewing vows will change things from the way they are now? He wants to feel more secure with me. He thinks that if he does this then I will feel married again.
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Old 16th September 2008, 9:44 PM   #5
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Originally Posted by 2sunny View Post
i suppose if it were me i would ask him for SPECIFIC reasons why he finds this important.

i would look for clues in the info he gives.
I think he might be sensing your hesitance (is that a word??) and ambivalence about going through the whole damn Sturm Und Drang cycle again... and it's his test for YOU, to see how committed you actually are to HIM. This, unfortunately, is the way men think... especially men who feel entitled to have multiple affairs! It's all about them.

I don't blame you a bit for hesitating.

There's no law that says you HAVE to renew your vows on your next anniversary. Just tell him you want to have a nice vacation without any pressure... and "we'll see" about planning the vow renewals further on down the line.
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Old 16th September 2008, 9:47 PM   #6
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I think he might be sensing your hesitance (is that a word??) and ambivalence about going through the whole damn Sturm Und Drang cycle again... and it's his test for YOU, to see how committed you actually are to HIM. This, unfortunately, is the way men think... especially men who feel entitled to have multiple affairs! It's all about them.

.
Hmm.... good point. You are probably exactly right. Well I feel like I am not done with my 'tests' for him so it isn't my turn to be 'tested' yet.
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Old 16th September 2008, 9:48 PM   #7
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He thinks that if he does this then I will feel married again.
I'm not sure why you would feel married again being that you never broke your vows ??...
In other words.. I'm not quite understanding how retaking vows that you never broke will make you feel married again..

I'm thinking he is looking for the retaking of the vows as a mark of a clean slate so he can feel guilt free...it is more about him than you

Nothing wrong with that if that is what you want.. but you need to call it the way it is and not let him hide behind you feeling more married..
He needs to know that the slate would be clean at that point.. are you ready for that ?
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Old 17th September 2008, 12:34 AM   #8
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I can't agree more with above.
He wants this merely as a reboot, he will see this as total forgiveness "a clean slate" since he himself broke your original vows. He might honestly believe this is needed for him to start anew.

However this has to be something you want not because he's implying he thinks it will make you feel more secured in the fixing of this marriage. I think you should attempt to get him to admit this is very much about him wanting to redeem himself which is fine of course but that it can be on your terms if you so wish to even renew.

Best of luck
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Old 17th September 2008, 12:53 AM   #9
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i also question why he needs to know now?

for validation that you think everything is going well.

why not leave well enough alone without making such a big deal about it?

if he really wants to renew the vows - just tell him to LIVE by the original ones that were said years ago. play the video if he needs the reminder.

actions on his part everyday would mean a lot more to me than a few words at a quick gathering.

ooooh, is he looking for the quick fix to make everything all better?

he has to understand that he has a lifetime of consistent, decent, responsible, honest, respectful behavior to live by and honor in order to even live the original vows he made... isn't that enough?
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Old 17th September 2008, 2:09 AM   #10
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ooooh, is he looking for the quick fix to make everything all better?
Those were my thoughts too...I think he needs to realise that renewing vows with someone who did not take them seriously the first time will not make it better unless their actions match perfectly for a long time...he should be treating you the right way without having to "start afresh" with new vows. As said before, this is all for himself - not for you.
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Old 17th September 2008, 10:54 AM   #11
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play the video if he needs the reminder.
That would be a good thing to do except due to extreme circumstances around our wedding day the videographer had to go back to the states early. A category 5 hurricane was coming directly to Jamaica where our wedding was and the Island was shutting down. I know...a freakin Hurricane coming to our wedding, I should have known our M was headed for some rough waters.
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Old 27th September 2008, 6:54 PM   #12
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Th renewal of vows may be a good thing, but the timing depends on how you both feel. The fact that you are asking may indicate that you are not ready.

As for him saying her will never cheat on you, I think it is way to early to say that.

He has had several affairs. Maybe only one full-blown one, but in very case you have taken him back. While the last time,he almost did not get yo back, it is hard to say how he will feel in say five years. Will he remember the emotional turmoil and pain? Or will he remember that you took him back?

This renewal of vows will be symbolic, but that doesn't mean that the marriage will be "and they lived happily ever after." This is up to how open and honest your marriage is.
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Old 27th September 2008, 7:06 PM   #13
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As for him saying her will never cheat on you, I think it is way to early to say that.
My thoughts exactly. This is why I hesitate.
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Old 28th September 2008, 1:11 AM   #14
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My thoughts exactly. This is why I hesitate.
You hesitate to renew vows but did not hesitate to bring a 2nd child into the world fathered by this man?

With all due respect, you've either fully recovered from his actions and can commit whole heartedly and fully or you haven't and for the sake of everybody involved you need to address that situation and seek to divorce.


What you're doing is a version of gunny sacking, you forgave him enough to take him back, to have another child with him but you're still holding onto the right to hurt him about all this via dragging your feet about the vows?

I think if I were in your shoes I'd invest in a bit of IC to more fully explore your feelings and look more closely at all of this. Obviously you can never forget what happened but if you are to forgive it must be fully and that must include giving up the right to brandish his past indiscreations at him like a club.
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Old 28th September 2008, 11:45 AM   #15
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You hesitate to renew vows but did not hesitate to bring a 2nd child into the world fathered by this man?

With all due respect, you've either fully recovered from his actions and can commit whole heartedly and fully or you haven't and for the sake of everybody involved you need to address that situation and seek to divorce.


What you're doing is a version of gunny sacking, you forgave him enough to take him back, to have another child with him but you're still holding onto the right to hurt him about all this via dragging your feet about the vows?

I think if I were in your shoes I'd invest in a bit of IC to more fully explore your feelings and look more closely at all of this. Obviously you can never forget what happened but if you are to forgive it must be fully and that must include giving up the right to brandish his past indiscreations at him like a club.
I do go to IC and to MC. Honestly I am not sure that I can ever fully forgive, but I am willing to try to live with that...and he understands that(so he says). It is not that I want to 'hold onto the right to hurt him', it is just that I think he will hurt me again. I know our marriage is good right now, but I feel like almost anyone can 'behave' for a little while. We have only been back together for 9/10 months...in the scheme of things that isn't long. Hell, he was able to hide his behavior for 1yr so that I would marry him. Then later I found out that he had cheated on me before we even walked down the aisle.

Okay, you guys may think I am crazy for this part but I'll go forth anyway. As far as having another child goes, I had always wanted 2 kids married or not. I don't feel like you have to be married to have kids if you have found the right person to co-parent with. No matter how sh**y of a H he has been, he has always been the best father I have ever seen. When I met him that is what I saw...a great father. He already had 2 boys so I could see what type of dad he would be. So even if we didn't ever reconcile, I planed on having another one with him. I don't want anyone else to father my children ever. He has been begging me to have another baby since our son was 10months old and I felt like after all that we have been through that it was time. We had survived something that most couples don't and even though I am not ready to say it will work forever I am trying to trust that it will. I think that at least our friendship and bond as a family is more solid then ever, the M part we are still a work in progress.

I don't beleive that seeking a D would be the answer. When we are both deeply still in love with each other and want to be together I just couldn't justify a D.

Last edited by porter218; 28th September 2008 at 11:50 AM..
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