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my wife had an affair with another woman


joedee1957

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I have been suspicious of my wife since December of 07. I found cell phone records showing that there were 60 calls made in 10 days between her and the other woman. She denied that there was anything going on but our lack of closeness made me think otherwise. I placed a tape recorder and a GPS tracker in her car and got more evidence including warm conversation and proof of my wife at her house when she should have been working . I confronted the other woman by phone and she also said they were friends and nothing else. She happens to be a lesbian that works with my wife. My wife is 46 and the girl is only 29. Finally , in July she admitted to me that she was with another woman 2 times but it was not the one that I was suspicious of. I think she made up the other woman to take the heat off the guilty party. She says she still loves me but is sexually confused. We are in counseling but I am a physical and emotional wreck. I do love her and believe she still loves me but I want a promise that this won't happen again. This is the hardest thing I have ever gone through. We are only married 2 years and its the second marriage for both of us. Is there any hope ??? Any suggestions ???

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Hello,

 

I am sorry what you are going through. What you have written is that your wife has been cheating on you after only 1 year of marriage with you. (I seriously doubt that you have the entire truth and amount of times since cheating spouses always try to put a positive spin on their behavior).

 

She has been lying to you and only confessed when finally caught. Her response is that she sexually confused? It does not make any differnece whether she was screwing a man or a woman. Would your reaction be the same if she was having a sexual affair with another man? Any person that would be lying and sexually cheating on their spouse after a year of marriage has a clearly broken moral compass. I would suggest that you save yourself a lot of heartache and move on. She could not keep her marriage vows after 1 year of marriage is certainly not a type of person you should be married with. The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. I wish you luck.

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LakesideDream
Hello,

 

I am sorry what you are going through. What you have written is that your wife has been cheating on you after only 1 year of marriage with you. (I seriously doubt that you have the entire truth and amount of times since cheating spouses always try to put a positive spin on their behavior).

 

She has been lying to you and only confessed when finally caught. Her response is that she sexually confused? It does not make any differnece whether she was screwing a man or a woman. Would your reaction be the same if she was having a sexual affair with another man? Any person that would be lying and sexually cheating on their spouse after a year of marriage has a clearly broken moral compass. I would suggest that you save yourself a lot of heartache and move on. She could not keep her marriage vows after 1 year of marriage is certainly not a type of person you should be married with. The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. I wish you luck.

 

 

Gotta agree with BryanP here, cheating after only a year of marriage is certainly enough reason to have the marriage annuled or worst case divorce. Add in the fact that she's "orientation confused"... and it's not a close call at all. Cheating, carpet munching, to much to overcome in such a short relationship.

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That wouldn't be something I personally would be able to get past. Especially after such a short period of time.

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if she's cheating with a woman i would wonder if perhaps she's been in denial about her sexual preference for awhile now. And if so & she's finally persued it there may no going back for her. idk.

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Hmmm, you think she would let you join in?

 

I'm sorry, that was wrong, but I had to.

 

 

The thing that sucks is that it might be out of your hands completely. If she now desires women more than a man, then it is what it is. I have a buddy who lets his wife have female lovers, just so he can stay with her. He knows that he can't give her what she gets from having sex with a woman. It's never behind his back though, and most of the time they do it at his house. I don't know that I could go that far, but I would probably let my wife experiment with a woman if she told me that she feels like she NEEDS it... MAYBE.

 

You can't control those feelings she is having. Sneaking around is the wrong way to go about it though, and you have to treat this like any other affair at this point. That sucks man. I'm sorry you are going through something this crazy.

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I'm so sorry that you find yourself here. I was cheated on within two years of being with my ex and I am a lesbian.

 

Firstly as a betrayed person, it takes a long time to reconcile and heal from infidelity. Most studies show it takes about 2-5 years.. I think two years is really optimistic at that point you are just barely really back on your feet again. I'm two years out from dday and I can say that this is definitely true. I'm just now feeling human again. I had to ask myself if it really was worth it to reconcile when we actually had put so little time into the relationship. I had to honestly answer no. Not that it matters my ex was foggy and unremorseful.

 

Yeah she may be confused but she is still not telling you the whole story as your gut says. I would dig deeper. Check cell phone records, email whatever.

 

Secondly as a lesbian I can say that homosexual affairs can be even more devastating (the whole joke thing about 2 girls and you aside) it feels terrible to be lied to and cheated on anyway but it can feel even worse when you realize no matter what you have the OW or OM has something you don't and that it is something your spouse obviously wants. It really can mess with your sense of manhood and womanhood understandably even though it really has nothing to do with that. I really don't believe affairs are about the betrayed person at all. I think it is about what is broken in the cheater, their self esteem issues, conflict avoidance, and coping mechanisms. Do not let her blame you whatsoever.

 

Before you can even consider reconciling you have to get the truth. You need to find out whether this was about getting emotional strokes, the fantasy, and whatever else for what was broken in her (which it will be about either way) or if it was about all those things and her attraction to women. Because even if she is messed up if the sexual orientation issue is an issue it won't really go away.

 

I've met a fair amount of women who really didn't know they were gay until they were around other gay women. The reason for this isn't merely about opportunity, the energy is different. And while it may go against common knowledge in the straight world most lesbians aren't really interested in straight women. OH sure we notice when they are attractive but there is a difference in appreciation and desire. By this I mean that sometimes one can really not know they are gay for longer than people might suspect unless they find themselves around gay people. This was my ex, she was married several times to men before she realized she was a lesbian at 38. She cheated on her last husband 10 years ago with a married OW. I was stupid and thought that was why she cheated and that she seemed to think it was wrong to treat her ex husband that way. She cheated on me with an OW in a 23 year partnership. My ex has no shame and doesn't give one sh*t about anyone's marriage either.

 

But no matter what is really going on there is no doubt your Wife's OW sucks... I'm really sorry.

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Thank you for your reply. I really appreciate your honesty on thing's and the fact that you are a lesbian gives me a different perspective. I just cannot rap myself around this yet. My wife is confused and I am trying to be patient and loving , yet my anger and hurt come out quite often. I alway's regret these episode's after they happen because I don't want to push her further away. She has not blamed me whatsoever but I still hold doubt inside myself for this. She is constantly around gay women on her job and this doe's not help. I have confronted the OW on the phone and asked her to please respect our marriage. That was in March and supposedly, the affair ended. You are right in saying that my wife's OW SUCK'S. Thank you again SYZ and if you can offer any more help , it would be appreciated. You seem like a caring and genuine person.

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pelicanpreacher

You might want to look up the threads by a poster named Grogster. It will give you some insight on what you're up against!

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Chrome Barracuda

Hmmm what's she confused about the affair with someone, cheating or the whole woman thing? I mean why arent you filing for a divorce, this is her second marriage and she already stabbed this one to death, how did her first marriage end???

 

Did she cheat on him too? What's next her and the young half a bisexual chick goes off to los angelos and get hitched on your dime? I mean she might be a late in life lesbo. but on the real's, you dont need to tolerate it. Take into account you dont have kids and you wasnt together for so long. She's a joke. Find a straight woman who loves some D and keep it moving.

 

I see getting married now a days is just one big joke. dont waste your time expending energy on a woman who's a dead end anyway's.

 

I know you love her but the woman you knew is dead, she probably was faking her identity for a long time.

 

Time to move on.

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Thanks for asking !!! Right now, i am ok but i just don't know for how long ??? It comes in wave's as you probably already know. My wife say's it's over but still won't be truthful about the ow being her workmate. Everytime she leaves for work , i have this anxious feeling that she's going off to her and not work !!! My wife was off for a week and i feel that things were improving and we definitely were getting closer again. She was touching me and kissing me in a loving way. Wow , did it feel nice !!! Now she's back at work and i am afraid thing's will change again because of the contact with the om. I have expressed these feelings to her but she still denies that the affair took place with her workmate. She say's it was with someone else, but will only give me a first name ( lisa ). We'll see . Thanks again for caring.

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Sorry but she is still playing games with you. She refuses to be honest with whom she has sex with behind your back. She gives you a first name which you think she made up. By her refusing to be upfront and honest with you, she still remains in the fog. What have been the consequences to her actions of sleeping with another woman behind your back a couple of times. Did you just give her a free pass?

 

If you screwed another woman behind her back would she be so accepting as you have been? No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. Apparently she knows she can do anything with her girlfriend and you will gladly accept some hugs and kisses in return for her not leaving you. I do not mean to be harsh but you seem very needy and your wife plays off that. She knows she can disrespect you because you will accept it. If you do not respect yourself then who will?

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She is protecting the OW. That is crap she doesn't get to decide how much you get to know about the OW.. she is still calling the shots on how much and what you get information about. I know this sucks but I would lay you odds the affair is just more underground now. IF she still has contact with the affair partner it isn't over. Do what you've got to do to find out, put a voice activated recorder in her car, get a gps, whatever you need to find out.

 

You should go over to Surviving Infidelity and read their healing library ... they have a ton of good information.

 

Also show your wife a copy of "joseph's letter" which they have on file as well.

 

there is also a section there for spouses who have been cheated on with same sex partners which you might want to read through.

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I would think since your wife is 46 that this isn't her first sexual experience with women. Maybe she thought getting married would curb her desire for women but was wrong. Instead of worrying about the OW I would be more concerned about getting to the truth about her real sexual preference.

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"I would think since your wife is 46 that this isn't her first sexual experience with women."

 

You'd be surprised how many people don't discover this until later. My ex was 38 before she did anything with a woman. I seriously tried to wrap my head around how it could have taken her so long to figure this out. Because this is not the same as having repressed desire that one is trying hard not to act on due to society's BS. She really hadn't a clue. Even though she thought women were attractive she hadn't really connected yet with what she wanted to do about it. Weird I know. I figured it out when I was 15 which is far more common and then there are those weirdo's that totally know when they are like 4 years old.

 

The thing is people have no idea what "gay" feels like. you just feel like yourself and don't assume you are really any different from everyone else. And if you suspect you are you still don't have a gay measuring stick to stand next to. Sometimes it doesn't come up until there are feelings and opportunity. Seriously heterosexuality is that compulsory.

 

IT may take your W a while to wrap her head around what this means but in the meantime the reality is you still have an unremorseful cake eater that is full of sh*t by protecting the identity of whom she screwed.

 

So if it isn't the woman you think it is great what that says is she slept with one woman and is carrying on an EA with this one. Fantabulous.

 

You really need to go into stealth mode. My affair detector is still going off. I think it has just gone underground more.

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garfieldscoolcat

Syz, you need to be ashamed of yourself. First of all, how can you be a lesbian and be so judmental as to call someone a weirdo that at 4 knows his or her sexual preference. Someone that is as jaded as you should not be giving advice to this guy that is obviously hurting right now. We all need to be encouraging him to deal with this in a health way instead of going on the attack. He has clearly stated that he feels bad when he blows up and fights with her. That tells me that Joedee is a really good guy and is having a hard time dealing with the emotional pain of cheating. Instead, give him healthy support and an outlet to talk this through until he decides what is best for him. Joedee, I have been cheated on before and it one of the worst times in my life. If you want to communicate to a person that has experienced this and has a level head about the situation, let me know.

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Thank you for your post. I have been on the attack alot and it's not working. You are right in saying that i am in a lot of pain emotionally. My situation seems unique in that the affair was my wife with another woman and not a man. I would like your feedback on the cheating end of it. Cheating is cheating no matter what sex it's with. I'd still like to work this all out so whatever you can give me would be helpful. Thanks coolcat

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Sigh. I guess you don't read well for snark do you garfieldscoolcat? They aren't weirdo's it is just unusual and I was being tongue in cheek. Some kids know they want to grow up and get married from the time they are little too but most kids just want to play with their toys and don't even think such things. It unusual either way for someone to be 40 and not know or 4 and know this stuff but my comment related to the fact that it isn't outside of the realm of possibility for this to be her first experience in spite of what Stillafool suggested. Although that is possible too.

 

Regardless my point was that I do think it is possible for his wife not to know about her preference until this late in life. Secondly AND much more importantly I think she isn't being forthcoming by trying to protect her affair partner.

 

who said anything about an "attack" I said he should continue to monitor what is going on because I think the affair is still in play even if it has "cooled" off because she is caught.

 

I have absolutely no idea why you think I'm so "jaded" because I believe she is still hiding something? Most likely at the very least an EA. I think that is pretty obvious.

 

BTW Coolcat I didn't tell him to go out and immediately divorce her..like many other posters. I just suggested it isn't over and he should protect himself by continuing to get information so that begs the question why you singled me out and my post as being the most jaded, unsupportive, and unhealthy? I think my posts to joedee have been pretty level headed and based on my experience as someone who has been cheated on as well. But I DO think your post is judgmental and rather harsh..

 

Joedee I really suggest you check out surviving infidelity. it really helped me, there is a wealth of information over there for betrayed spouses and wayward spouses. As a site exclusively dedicated to dealing with infidelity I just think the quality and quantity of help really furthers one's understanding and healing in this process in a way that no other site really can.

 

-------

 

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I am checking out , surviving infidelity. Thanks again for all your help and concern, your post's have been extremely enlightening.

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garfieldscoolcat

Joedee, cheating is a very painful experience. You have to remember that it is not you but something was wrong in your relationship. Have you ever cheated before? If so, it was probably because your relationship was missing something. I took my experience with cheating very personal and it devasted my self esteem for quite a while. We did try to work things out but it was never the same again. Every time she left for work I became sick because I feared she would cheat again. I put myself through a living hell and it was not worth it. You have to begin to care more about yourself than your wife or your relationship. Once the bond is broken with cheating, the two of you are never the same again. Do you want the relationship you had or the one that would be if you continue to try? If the answer is the one you had, that one is gone due to a decision made by your wife. This bad experience has been in your life since Dec. 2007 and I think it is time to start the healing process. It is not easy and some days I did not want to get out of bed because I did not feel like going on in my life without her. I did and you can too. It is a slow process and you need to spend time with friends away from her and the house you share. Only hold on to hope if hope is really there. If not, take care of yourself.

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Thank you for your post. I have been on the attack alot and it's not working. You are right in saying that i am in a lot of pain emotionally. My situation seems unique in that the affair was my wife with another woman and not a man. I would like your feedback on the cheating end of it. Cheating is cheating no matter what sex it's with. I'd still like to work this all out so whatever you can give me would be helpful. Thanks coolcat

 

My wife cheated on me with another woman also. She fully denies it but her txt messages say different. No sex in 2 years and maybe 3 times in the 3 years previous to that. Thing is, there's nothing either of us can do to change our wives sexuality. Had she cheated with a man, I would have paid him a visit.:mad:. What am I going to do, beat up the wife of our [former] friends in front of their little kids? Yes, we were friends as couples but it hasn't been good for the last 2 years with them. All the wives do is bash their husbands. I have severed ties though my wife thinks nothing is really wrong - see, I'm playing along minimally until I catch them. I am building up quite a log of things like phone records, changing stories and such but have YET to catch them red-handed. The OW's husband is clueless and in denial. in fact, all 3 of them are in denial. Just because I'm outnumbered doesn't make me wrong. The OW txt'd my wife, "I want to take time tonight to touch you." I mean really... And, "Remember the day we fell in love?" What else could that mean? My wife say that I just don;t know women and their closeness. Right. Do I look that stupid? I feel like neither one of us has hope and we need to move on. About a year ago my wife says that the best sex she had was not with me. It was with a woman just before she became pregnant with our first son 28 years ago. A load of bricks dropped on me would have been less painful. I am just waitng out the inevitable. We are in the same boat and I don;t think we can love them back to heterosexuality.

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Dissed I saw your post and I really think your evidence at this point is rather damning. but since you are getting gaslighted so extremely I do think continuing to build your case, follow texts, check cell calls on line etc, is really the way to go. I would even advocate a well placed voice activated recorder in the car etc.

 

Your wife is full of it with the you don't get how close women are stuff. Yeah maybe ... maybe .. women express more sentiment in their relationships but in all my friendships with straight women I have never mentioned touching, loving, blah blha blah kinds of messages. and I really never have messages going back and forth about falling in love so yeah she is in total lie mode.

 

I think what your wife said to you about the best sex of her life is totally cruel.

 

I really think with long term marriages that have children trying to reconcile after infidelity is totally possible and advisable but usually trying to reconcile in cases of gay affairs or serial cheaters I think a successful outcome is usually very very poor. People can overcome the reasons in themselves that they cheat but no one can be loved back into heterosexuality you are right. Overcoming the former is one thing overcoming both is a whole other matter.

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Dissed I saw your post and I really think your evidence at this point is rather damning. but since you are getting gaslighted so extremely I do think continuing to build your case, follow texts, check cell calls on line etc, is really the way to go. I would even advocate a well placed voice activated recorder in the car etc.

 

Your wife is full of it with the you don't get how close women are stuff. Yeah maybe ... maybe .. women express more sentiment in their relationships but in all my friendships with straight women I have never mentioned touching, loving, blah blha blah kinds of messages. and I really never have messages going back and forth about falling in love so yeah she is in total lie mode.

 

I think what your wife said to you about the best sex of her life is totally cruel.

 

I really think with long term marriages that have children trying to reconcile after infidelity is totally possible and advisable but usually trying to reconcile in cases of gay affairs or serial cheaters I think a successful outcome is usually very very poor. People can overcome the reasons in themselves that they cheat but no one can be loved back into heterosexuality you are right. Overcoming the former is one thing overcoming both is a whole other matter.

 

I carefully read your posts and I now have a point of view I didn't expect. Just enforces my suspicions. I've thought about a voice recorder but have been afraid it'll click off, play back unexpectedly or even announce that it's at the end of the tape. I contacted a PI and they said they cannot intercept and record cell phone calls by law. That would be all I need. She got a new phone and I haven't figured out how to get text messages but she's way more careful now to erase them every day. And that phone is glued to her - never out of sight. Never. Where can I get such a device? Are they absolutely quiet? Tell me more.

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