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my wife had an affair with another woman


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Old 10th August 2008, 5:36 PM   #1
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my wife had an affair with another woman

I have been suspicious of my wife since December of 07. I found cell phone records showing that there were 60 calls made in 10 days between her and the other woman. She denied that there was anything going on but our lack of closeness made me think otherwise. I placed a tape recorder and a GPS tracker in her car and got more evidence including warm conversation and proof of my wife at her house when she should have been working . I confronted the other woman by phone and she also said they were friends and nothing else. She happens to be a lesbian that works with my wife. My wife is 46 and the girl is only 29. Finally , in July she admitted to me that she was with another woman 2 times but it was not the one that I was suspicious of. I think she made up the other woman to take the heat off the guilty party. She says she still loves me but is sexually confused. We are in counseling but I am a physical and emotional wreck. I do love her and believe she still loves me but I want a promise that this won't happen again. This is the hardest thing I have ever gone through. We are only married 2 years and its the second marriage for both of us. Is there any hope ??? Any suggestions ???
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Old 10th August 2008, 6:22 PM   #2
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Hello,

I am sorry what you are going through. What you have written is that your wife has been cheating on you after only 1 year of marriage with you. (I seriously doubt that you have the entire truth and amount of times since cheating spouses always try to put a positive spin on their behavior).

She has been lying to you and only confessed when finally caught. Her response is that she sexually confused? It does not make any differnece whether she was screwing a man or a woman. Would your reaction be the same if she was having a sexual affair with another man? Any person that would be lying and sexually cheating on their spouse after a year of marriage has a clearly broken moral compass. I would suggest that you save yourself a lot of heartache and move on. She could not keep her marriage vows after 1 year of marriage is certainly not a type of person you should be married with. The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. I wish you luck.
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Old 10th August 2008, 8:43 PM   #3
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Bryanp View Post
Hello,

I am sorry what you are going through. What you have written is that your wife has been cheating on you after only 1 year of marriage with you. (I seriously doubt that you have the entire truth and amount of times since cheating spouses always try to put a positive spin on their behavior).

She has been lying to you and only confessed when finally caught. Her response is that she sexually confused? It does not make any differnece whether she was screwing a man or a woman. Would your reaction be the same if she was having a sexual affair with another man? Any person that would be lying and sexually cheating on their spouse after a year of marriage has a clearly broken moral compass. I would suggest that you save yourself a lot of heartache and move on. She could not keep her marriage vows after 1 year of marriage is certainly not a type of person you should be married with. The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. I wish you luck.

Gotta agree with BryanP here, cheating after only a year of marriage is certainly enough reason to have the marriage annuled or worst case divorce. Add in the fact that she's "orientation confused"... and it's not a close call at all. Cheating, carpet munching, to much to overcome in such a short relationship.
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Old 11th August 2008, 12:38 PM   #4
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That wouldn't be something I personally would be able to get past. Especially after such a short period of time.
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Old 11th August 2008, 4:04 PM   #5
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Trust was broken.

Two words - Polygraph test.
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Old 12th August 2008, 6:14 PM   #6
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if she's cheating with a woman i would wonder if perhaps she's been in denial about her sexual preference for awhile now. And if so & she's finally persued it there may no going back for her. idk.
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Old 12th August 2008, 8:48 PM   #7
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Hmmm, you think she would let you join in?

I'm sorry, that was wrong, but I had to.


The thing that sucks is that it might be out of your hands completely. If she now desires women more than a man, then it is what it is. I have a buddy who lets his wife have female lovers, just so he can stay with her. He knows that he can't give her what she gets from having sex with a woman. It's never behind his back though, and most of the time they do it at his house. I don't know that I could go that far, but I would probably let my wife experiment with a woman if she told me that she feels like she NEEDS it... MAYBE.

You can't control those feelings she is having. Sneaking around is the wrong way to go about it though, and you have to treat this like any other affair at this point. That sucks man. I'm sorry you are going through something this crazy.
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Old 12th August 2008, 10:50 PM   #8
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I'm so sorry that you find yourself here. I was cheated on within two years of being with my ex and I am a lesbian.

Firstly as a betrayed person, it takes a long time to reconcile and heal from infidelity. Most studies show it takes about 2-5 years.. I think two years is really optimistic at that point you are just barely really back on your feet again. I'm two years out from dday and I can say that this is definitely true. I'm just now feeling human again. I had to ask myself if it really was worth it to reconcile when we actually had put so little time into the relationship. I had to honestly answer no. Not that it matters my ex was foggy and unremorseful.

Yeah she may be confused but she is still not telling you the whole story as your gut says. I would dig deeper. Check cell phone records, email whatever.

Secondly as a lesbian I can say that homosexual affairs can be even more devastating (the whole joke thing about 2 girls and you aside) it feels terrible to be lied to and cheated on anyway but it can feel even worse when you realize no matter what you have the OW or OM has something you don't and that it is something your spouse obviously wants. It really can mess with your sense of manhood and womanhood understandably even though it really has nothing to do with that. I really don't believe affairs are about the betrayed person at all. I think it is about what is broken in the cheater, their self esteem issues, conflict avoidance, and coping mechanisms. Do not let her blame you whatsoever.

Before you can even consider reconciling you have to get the truth. You need to find out whether this was about getting emotional strokes, the fantasy, and whatever else for what was broken in her (which it will be about either way) or if it was about all those things and her attraction to women. Because even if she is messed up if the sexual orientation issue is an issue it won't really go away.

I've met a fair amount of women who really didn't know they were gay until they were around other gay women. The reason for this isn't merely about opportunity, the energy is different. And while it may go against common knowledge in the straight world most lesbians aren't really interested in straight women. OH sure we notice when they are attractive but there is a difference in appreciation and desire. By this I mean that sometimes one can really not know they are gay for longer than people might suspect unless they find themselves around gay people. This was my ex, she was married several times to men before she realized she was a lesbian at 38. She cheated on her last husband 10 years ago with a married OW. I was stupid and thought that was why she cheated and that she seemed to think it was wrong to treat her ex husband that way. She cheated on me with an OW in a 23 year partnership. My ex has no shame and doesn't give one sh*t about anyone's marriage either.

But no matter what is really going on there is no doubt your Wife's OW sucks... I'm really sorry.

Last edited by syz; 12th August 2008 at 11:18 PM..
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Old 13th August 2008, 10:02 AM   #9
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Reply to syz

Thank you for your reply. I really appreciate your honesty on thing's and the fact that you are a lesbian gives me a different perspective. I just cannot rap myself around this yet. My wife is confused and I am trying to be patient and loving , yet my anger and hurt come out quite often. I alway's regret these episode's after they happen because I don't want to push her further away. She has not blamed me whatsoever but I still hold doubt inside myself for this. She is constantly around gay women on her job and this doe's not help. I have confronted the OW on the phone and asked her to please respect our marriage. That was in March and supposedly, the affair ended. You are right in saying that my wife's OW SUCK'S. Thank you again SYZ and if you can offer any more help , it would be appreciated. You seem like a caring and genuine person.
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Old 16th August 2008, 6:15 PM   #10
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hey how are you doing?
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Old 16th August 2008, 8:44 PM   #11
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You might want to look up the threads by a poster named Grogster. It will give you some insight on what you're up against!
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Old 17th August 2008, 1:08 AM   #12
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Hmmm what's she confused about the affair with someone, cheating or the whole woman thing? I mean why arent you filing for a divorce, this is her second marriage and she already stabbed this one to death, how did her first marriage end???

Did she cheat on him too? What's next her and the young half a bisexual chick goes off to los angelos and get hitched on your dime? I mean she might be a late in life lesbo. but on the real's, you dont need to tolerate it. Take into account you dont have kids and you wasnt together for so long. She's a joke. Find a straight woman who loves some D and keep it moving.

I see getting married now a days is just one big joke. dont waste your time expending energy on a woman who's a dead end anyway's.

I know you love her but the woman you knew is dead, she probably was faking her identity for a long time.

Time to move on.
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Old 18th August 2008, 8:17 AM   #13
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Reply to syz

Thanks for asking !!! Right now, i am ok but i just don't know for how long ??? It comes in wave's as you probably already know. My wife say's it's over but still won't be truthful about the ow being her workmate. Everytime she leaves for work , i have this anxious feeling that she's going off to her and not work !!! My wife was off for a week and i feel that things were improving and we definitely were getting closer again. She was touching me and kissing me in a loving way. Wow , did it feel nice !!! Now she's back at work and i am afraid thing's will change again because of the contact with the om. I have expressed these feelings to her but she still denies that the affair took place with her workmate. She say's it was with someone else, but will only give me a first name ( lisa ). We'll see . Thanks again for caring.
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Old 18th August 2008, 9:39 AM   #14
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Sorry but she is still playing games with you. She refuses to be honest with whom she has sex with behind your back. She gives you a first name which you think she made up. By her refusing to be upfront and honest with you, she still remains in the fog. What have been the consequences to her actions of sleeping with another woman behind your back a couple of times. Did you just give her a free pass?

If you screwed another woman behind her back would she be so accepting as you have been? No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. Apparently she knows she can do anything with her girlfriend and you will gladly accept some hugs and kisses in return for her not leaving you. I do not mean to be harsh but you seem very needy and your wife plays off that. She knows she can disrespect you because you will accept it. If you do not respect yourself then who will?
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Old 18th August 2008, 10:17 AM   #15
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She is protecting the OW. That is crap she doesn't get to decide how much you get to know about the OW.. she is still calling the shots on how much and what you get information about. I know this sucks but I would lay you odds the affair is just more underground now. IF she still has contact with the affair partner it isn't over. Do what you've got to do to find out, put a voice activated recorder in her car, get a gps, whatever you need to find out.

You should go over to Surviving Infidelity and read their healing library ... they have a ton of good information.

Also show your wife a copy of "joseph's letter" which they have on file as well.

there is also a section there for spouses who have been cheated on with same sex partners which you might want to read through.
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