cw2 Posted June 14, 2008 Share Posted June 14, 2008 My husband and I have been married for 4 years. We have two children and have been together for 11 years. When we met he told me about a woman that he really loved and how breaking up with her hurt him. They broke up because she would not leave the East coast. We live on the West coast. We eventually got married and have a life. Our marriage has been rocky. I believe he think he is better then me because he has a Ph.D. He wanted me to go back to school but I was not interested. Four months ago he hired a private investigator to find this woman he loved. They had not talked in 14 years. He found her and she too has her doctorate and is successful. He got her pregnant. I know this because my husband started acting different. happy I guess I can say. I found out through his email and text messages about this woman. She is pregnant and I called her and confronted him at the same time. She told me to ask MY husband who she was. I confronted her about her pregnancy and she said to leave her alone and dont look for answers if I was not willing to accept the answers. My husband begged this woman not to abort this child. I have told him that I want him to leave her alone and have nothing to do with the baby. he can send money but that is it. He refuse. I told him it might not be his baby and he said it is and SHE wants to make sure there is a DNA test so her child will be acknowledge. His family knows about this woman and her pregnancy and so does his friends. Apparently he never stopped talking about her for all of these years. I told him I was not giving him a divorce and I was not giving up my life and he is not leaving either. He said that is the problem I dont love him I love our lifestyle. I told the kids that their father was leaving us and he got really pist. Now he refuse to talk to me at all. I confronted him about getting this woman pregnant on purposes and he refuse to answer. He told me to stop asking questions when I did not want the truth. I threatened to call HER again and he got really upset and told me to leave her alone. He said uur problems have nothing to do with her and to leave her alone. He is protecting her when he should be proctecting me. I dont know what to do. All of this has happened in four months. I told him I did not want him to be there for the baby birth and he said that is not going to happen. I need help. We went two years without talking. I am not interested in the things that he is interested in. I told him I will go back to school if that is what he wants. he tells me that that is something that I need to do for myself not him. I am not giving up my marriage. We have been seeing a counselor. I also want to quit my job and be a housewife, he does not agree. Why would he agree to go to counseling if he does not love me. I heard a conversation that he had with this woman and he wants to move her and the baby to the West coast to be closer to her and the baby. What is he doing why would he want to buy her a home and move her to our city? Help Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted June 14, 2008 Share Posted June 14, 2008 Huh? why two threads? WOW.. this story can't be true... it's too much.. I can't believe it.. Link to post Share on other sites
Lookingforward Posted June 14, 2008 Share Posted June 14, 2008 I don't see two threads lizzie - it does post it twice on the header page if it's in a sub forum........ oh yeah and it is a tad bizarre Link to post Share on other sites
Author cw2 Posted June 14, 2008 Author Share Posted June 14, 2008 yes it is, any advice? Could he just be trying to have two families? Or does he want me? He had a broken home and I know he will never leave us. Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted June 14, 2008 Share Posted June 14, 2008 I don't see two threads lizzie - it does post it twice on the header page if it's in a sub forum........ oh yeah and it is a tad bizarre Yes there are two threads.. I didn't answer on the other one.. but there are some responses in the other one... Bizarre... Link to post Share on other sites
Lookingforward Posted June 14, 2008 Share Posted June 14, 2008 kk, I'll go track down the other thread as well Link to post Share on other sites
porter218 Posted June 14, 2008 Share Posted June 14, 2008 OMG!! I am a BW myself so please understand I have no reason to say this other than it is the truth. I am sorry this happened to you, however you are sounding extremely childish about this. I can't beleive that someone who is a mother would ever tell a man to never see his child. Even though the circumstances how this child was conceived SUCK, it isn't the childs fault. Nobody should ever take a childs father away!!!! He loves her, he doesn't love you anymore, sometimes people do fall out of love. Do the right thing and let him go. You have no right to MAKE a man stay married against his will...this is awful and manipulating. I am sorry I sound harsh. I do think he should have told you once he struck things up with her again, instead of keeping you in the dark. But somehow I am getting the picture that he has been trying to tell you all along and you wouldn't listen. There is no way you can be happy with a man who loves someone else, you are only makeing him hate you by reacting the way you are. MC is not really for you guys. You need to go to IC to work through accepting and understanding what has happened, and keep you sane through your divorce. Link to post Share on other sites
Lookingforward Posted June 14, 2008 Share Posted June 14, 2008 Actually more to the point, in this day and age you don't get to say "I won't let you leave the M" anymore......... if he wants to D, he will and not a whole lot you can do about it. Damn woman, I mean wake up and smell the coffee - he hired a PI to track her down fgs....... sounds like he had already checked out of your M by then Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 14, 2008 Share Posted June 14, 2008 Your husband is a snake and honestly, I would let him go. I usually don't tell people to divorce without trying to save the marriage, especially since kids are involved, but in this case, I honestly don't see how your marriage is worth saving. Your husband is and has been inlove with another woman and as painful as it is for you to accept that, THAT is the reality. Sorry.. He will have to pay you child support and depending where you live, spousal support as well. Get a good lawyer and divorce him. Let her have this jerk, you deserve better! Link to post Share on other sites
porter218 Posted June 14, 2008 Share Posted June 14, 2008 We went two years without talking. Have you guys already separated? How did you go that long with out talking? Link to post Share on other sites
Author cw2 Posted June 14, 2008 Author Share Posted June 14, 2008 No we are not seperated. I have told him to leave if he wants to leave but he wont leave. We have been having problems for a while. He gets upset because I like american idol and he wants me to be all intellectual like him. He has been saying for a while that he is not happy and we wants us to talk it through. I will admit that I did not want to here it. Now, that this has happen with this chick he says that now I want to work it out when I knew all along before he contacted her that we had issues. He says that SHE is not the issue in our marriage. I think it is bull I told him to leave several times and he wont go. This is why I wonder if he is just doing something with this woman. Maybe making me jealous? Link to post Share on other sites
Author cw2 Posted June 14, 2008 Author Share Posted June 14, 2008 Or could he be waiting for her to to move here and then he will leave me? Link to post Share on other sites
porter218 Posted June 14, 2008 Share Posted June 14, 2008 She isn't the issue in your marriage. He didn't seek her out until recently, but you guys have had problems for at least 2 yrs most likely much more. How is it you asked him to move out but you also told him you will not let him leave? Do you have a prenuptial agreement? Link to post Share on other sites
Author cw2 Posted June 14, 2008 Author Share Posted June 14, 2008 no we dont. Our life has not been a bed of roses and when he bought the house through his VA 10 years ago I moved in with our first son at that time but the house is not in my name just his. but, by law I know that I am entitled to half of that. Are you saying that you believe he will leave? I told him to leave to see if he would leave and he didnt. If he did not want to be with me WHY is he still here? I know that I cant make him stay. But, he hasnt left. We are going on vacation with the kids this week. Are these the actions of a man who is planning to leave his wife? Link to post Share on other sites
porter218 Posted June 14, 2008 Share Posted June 14, 2008 no we dont. Our life has not been a bed of roses and when he bought the house through his VA 10 years ago I moved in with our first son at that time but the house is not in my name just his. but, by law I know that I am entitled to half of that. Are you saying that you believe he will leave? I told him to leave to see if he would leave and he didnt. If he did not want to be with me WHY is he still here? I know that I cant make him stay. But, he hasnt left. We are going on vacation with the kids this week. Are these the actions of a man who is planning to leave his wife? He is staying in the house probably partially to be around the kids, and also like you he probably doesn't want to give up his lifestyle. The vacation doesn't really mean much. I took my H on a vacation to the islands for a week after I had left him, but I had no intention at that time of trying to work things out with him. I only invited him that time because I wanted his kids to always have family vacations as a whole family even if I hated my H. If you file for divorce I beleive you have a good chance of getting the house, either that or it will have to be sold and the profit split. If I were you I would tell him to leave like a real man, I wouldn't ask him nicely. He already made his choice when he got the OW pregnant. Be careful about your interactions with the OW, because in the end her child will be a sibling to your kids. Link to post Share on other sites
Author cw2 Posted June 14, 2008 Author Share Posted June 14, 2008 I just will not accept this child! I feel as if this woman is a threat to me. I am a beautiful woman and I know he does not want to see me with another man. I feel as if maybe I should give him another child. This might sound stupid but it is how I feel. Link to post Share on other sites
Author cw2 Posted June 14, 2008 Author Share Posted June 14, 2008 I did not ask him nicely to leave. But, we had a bad arguement about her and he said that he was going to stay with his mother for a few days; btw: his mother knows about this woman and the baby as well! I caved in and wrote him a letter telling him that I or the kids wanted him to stay I told him we are a family and I couldnt live my life without him. Link to post Share on other sites
porter218 Posted June 14, 2008 Share Posted June 14, 2008 Never ever ever get pregnant to keep a man..HUGE mistake. You guys are always going to be family, this is why no matter what you need to handle this situation with maturity. Your M is very likely headed to D, just try to do it peacefully. My grandmother went through something very similar with my grandfather. He had an A with a woman in South America and got her pregnant. My grandmother packed up their 5 kids and left him, and he moved the OW up to live with him. However she could see past her anger enough to realize this baby was family regardless of how it happened. Now that baby is my Aunt and our whole family loves her very much, I would never want to be with out her around at family get togethers. Understandably my grandmother never liked or accepted the OW, but the baby has nothing to do with that. Basically I am saying calm down and really see this situation for what it is. Your H to some degree loves another woman, he is having a baby, and you are very likely faced with a divorce soon. Link to post Share on other sites
Author cw2 Posted June 14, 2008 Author Share Posted June 14, 2008 Porter 218, Thank u for your advice. Your grandmother is a much stronger woman then I am. You have been hones and kind and thank u for that. I guess when we seek advice we have to accept the honestly of people responses. Link to post Share on other sites
Author cw2 Posted June 14, 2008 Author Share Posted June 14, 2008 Is it possible that he is lying to this woman? Making her believe that he wants to move her here to the West coast and having the baby? He told me that he cant make her do anything. Link to post Share on other sites
porter218 Posted June 14, 2008 Share Posted June 14, 2008 Is it possible that he is lying to this woman? Making her believe that he wants to move her here to the West coast and having the baby? He told me that he cant make her do anything. I really highly doubt he is lying to her about that. Somehow I doubt she will come though. That is to dangerous to uproot like that with a baby unless she has family on the west coast. Regardless of this, why do you want to be with him? I bet your kids have noticed how unhappy you guys are, even if they haven't talked about it. You don't want to stay in such a sham of a marriage, that isn't setting a good example for your children. Link to post Share on other sites
Author cw2 Posted June 14, 2008 Author Share Posted June 14, 2008 I really highly doubt he is lying to her about that. Somehow I doubt she will come though. That is to dangerous to uproot like that with a baby unless she has family on the west coast. Regardless of this, why do you want to be with him? I bet your kids have noticed how unhappy you guys are, even if they haven't talked about it. You don't want to stay in such a sham of a marriage, that isn't setting a good example for your children. You know this has all happened in a matter of four months. She is about 2 months pregnant. I will tell you that when he threatened to stay with his mother for a couple of days because I would not let this go and I was throwing things and things were escalating and then I told the kids that their father was leaving us, I cant begin to tell you how angry he got he had the nerve to call me trifling and now I dont know what is going on in his head because he wont talk to me at all. When we went to the counseling session and I was venting and the MC had the nerve to say that if I want to be a stay at home wife and that is not what he want I need to find someone who have the same values as I do and she said that she thought our marriage was over. I hit the roof. He just sit there and say nothing. Link to post Share on other sites
Author cw2 Posted June 14, 2008 Author Share Posted June 14, 2008 I really highly doubt he is lying to her about that. Somehow I doubt she will come though. That is to dangerous to uproot like that with a baby unless she has family on the west coast. Regardless of this, why do you want to be with him? I bet your kids have noticed how unhappy you guys are, even if they haven't talked about it. You don't want to stay in such a sham of a marriage, that isn't setting a good example for your children. Oh and porter you could be right about her not moving to the West coast. That is why they broke up all those years ago she would not leave the east coast for him she chose to stay with her family. That is why i am wondering if he is trying to by her a home here because he is trying to make her feel secure that rotten bastard. Link to post Share on other sites
GPFan Posted June 14, 2008 Share Posted June 14, 2008 But somehow I am getting the picture that he has been trying to tell you all along and you wouldn't listen. Not only that but he wants you to end the marriage. Only he can tell you why and I doubt he knows himself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author cw2 Posted June 14, 2008 Author Share Posted June 14, 2008 Not only that but he wants you to end the marriage. Only he can tell you why and I doubt he knows himself. No he has not said that he wants to end the marriage. However, he and I have not really talked in two years. I have seen how discontent he was and whenever he would bring it up I refused to listen. He tells me that he is not the blame for everything. He said he can take ownership for his part, but he has said in the past the he felt alone and I wouldnt listen. I knew that he loved me and wasnt going anywhere. The first thing he said when I told him to get rid of this woman he said he was not going to. He said he was not going to feel alone again. I asked him did he regret getting married and he said yes and he said that the happiest time in his life was when he was with her. How does he know this and he was with her 14 years ago? Link to post Share on other sites
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