soda Posted June 2, 2008 Share Posted June 2, 2008 My wife and I have been married for 10 years. This year hasn't been the highlight of our marriage. Several changes in our lives have led to increased stresss in the household. One of these changes was my wife going back to work after 3 1/2 years at home. At work, she made a male friend. When she changed jobs, I was surprised that she continued to nurture the friendship with the guy. In fact, she came home one day and told me that they'd gotten together for coffee. She said that she wanted to tell me because she did not want to raise any suspicions. I was unconfortable all the same. I've met the guy, but I don't know him. My wife obviously cares about him, and they're in contact every day. I expressed my concerns, but my wife said that I have nothing to worry about that "he's just a friend." That wasn't enough to alleviate my concerns, and we ended up arguing. My wife says that I'm getting worked up about nothing and that she's not attracted to the guy in any way. In fact, the male friend is much older than her, overweight, and not exactly what one one deem physically attractive. (My wife is slim and attractive, and I keep myself up well, too.) No matter what my wife says, I can't get the concern out of my head that what my wife and her friend are up to is wrong. Am I being paranoid here. My wife insists that she's not doing anything wrong, but I'm not so sure. Link to post Share on other sites
sally4sara Posted June 2, 2008 Share Posted June 2, 2008 Is there some other reason why you would think your wife capable of having an affair? She has told you when she sees him. She has introduced you to him. You say you met him but don't know him - why don't you get to know him? Have you never been invited since the first time or do you just not get invited now that you are accusing her of being up to something? Link to post Share on other sites
Bryanp Posted June 2, 2008 Share Posted June 2, 2008 I wonder what you wife would be feeling if the roles were reversed? Link to post Share on other sites
Untouchable_Fire Posted June 2, 2008 Share Posted June 2, 2008 I expressed my concerns, but my wife said that I have nothing to worry about that "he's just a friend." That wasn't enough to alleviate my concerns, and we ended up arguing. My wife says that I'm getting worked up about nothing and that she's not attracted to the guy in any way. In fact, the male friend is much older than her, overweight, and not exactly what one one deem physically attractive. (My wife is slim and attractive, and I keep myself up well, too.) No matter what my wife says, I can't get the concern out of my head that what my wife and her friend are up to is wrong. Am I being paranoid here. My wife insists that she's not doing anything wrong, but I'm not so sure. Set some boundaries! Sit down and decide what kind of contact you are comfortable with, and communicate that to her. Let her know that your willing to trust... but that she needs to be 110% open and honest. Also if she starts hiding stuff or develops feelings, let her know up front what consequences she faces. I.E... the nastiest divorce of all time, or whatever you deem appropriate. Also, she may not be attracted to him... but he may be attracted to her! And isn't that just as big a problem? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 2, 2008 Share Posted June 2, 2008 She is having an emotional affair with this guy and he is meeting some selfish need of hers. Has nothing to do with you, it's all about her. Ego and attention. Problem is, this guy COULD be falling for her, fat or not, that doesn't matter...She could have feelings for him as well. Keep an eye on her, make her understand that you are NOT pleased with them speaking all of the time and getting together. Ask her how she would feel if you spent that much time with another woman...I bet she would be pissed off and quite jealous. Link to post Share on other sites
sally4sara Posted June 2, 2008 Share Posted June 2, 2008 I wonder what you wife would be feeling if the roles were reversed? It doesn't always boil down to this. As adults, we make friends with people we meet that are interesting. Some people can't deal with the concept of platonic friendship with the opposite gender; others are fine with it as long as nothing is being hidden and no one is telling lies. One of the ways to do this and keep your partner from feeling threatened is to do what the OP's wife has done. Be upfront about things and introduce the friend. Bring the friend around like you would your same gendered friends. Link to post Share on other sites
rproctor Posted June 2, 2008 Share Posted June 2, 2008 Hey man, I can really relate to you... My gf is so gullible it kills me! I dont think she would realize someone was after her until they made a move, at which point it could already be too late (how many drinks later kinda thing you know)... Tell her that you dont know him, and that you are not comfortable with her going out alone with him... If she does not understand, ask her how she would feel if the roles were reversed! You meeting a girl friend at work, going out with her, phone calls with her every day, and then your wife does not even know this girl? You would have to be very self naive to not sense a possible problem! I think this is how I finally got the point to my gf... Imagine your wifes friend came over for dinner or something, you were not there, and your wife came out completely naked and said **** me now, what do you think the guy would do, or more importantly what does she think the guy would do? Remember, friends dont **** friends, so if she honestly can not answer that, or realizes that yea he would probably do it, then she definitely should not be hanging out with him. Link to post Share on other sites
sally4sara Posted June 2, 2008 Share Posted June 2, 2008 She is having an emotional affair with this guy and he is meeting some selfish need of hers. Has nothing to do with you, it's all about her. Ego and attention. Problem is, this guy COULD be falling for her, fat or not, that doesn't matter...She could have feelings for him as well. Keep an eye on her, make her understand that you are NOT pleased with them speaking all of the time and getting together. Ask her how she would feel if you spent that much time with another woman...I bet she would be pissed off and quite jealous. She has done her part to be open and give him access to the friend and yet it just HAS to be an emotional affair? What, are we in 5th grade? How about we ponder her making him understand how unpleasant it is to give full disclosure and have your partner still think you have to be out whoring around? I agree that anythings is possible, but it isn't always a full blown Jerry Springer show and there is no point in turning it into one. Link to post Share on other sites
Untouchable_Fire Posted June 2, 2008 Share Posted June 2, 2008 She has done her part to be open and give him access to the friend and yet it just HAS to be an emotional affair? What, are we in 5th grade? No this is not the 5th grade. I know how men think. Tell me. What does this gentleman get from the friendship? Link to post Share on other sites
sally4sara Posted June 2, 2008 Share Posted June 2, 2008 I think this is how I finally got the point to my gf... Imagine your wifes friend came over for dinner or something, you were not there, and your wife came out completely naked and said **** me now, what do you think the guy would do, or more importantly what does she think the guy would do? Remember, friends dont **** friends, so if she honestly can not answer that, or realizes that yea he would probably do it, then she definitely should not be hanging out with him. The point here is would his wife do that? Is this guy sending her love letters, flowers, naked fat man pics? If the guy never ever did anything like that, and the OP knows his wife has more class than that, what does it matter if Mr. Chubs thinks she is attractive? I'm sure anyone can recognize if someone is attractive and still have a platonic friendship. Mr. Chubs cannot magically make the OP's wife cheat simply by finding her attractive. Link to post Share on other sites
rproctor Posted June 2, 2008 Share Posted June 2, 2008 She has done her part to be open and give him access to the friend and yet it just HAS to be an emotional affair? What, are we in 5th grade? How about we ponder her making him understand how unpleasant it is to give full disclosure and have your partner still think you have to be out whoring around? I agree that anythings is possible, but it isn't always a full blown Jerry Springer show and there is no point in turning it into one. No one said she was a whore, I doubt the OP thinks his wife is a whore, and i really doubt this would make for a springer episode. But I do think that what the wife is engaging in dangerous territories, breaking boundaries, and dis-respecting her marriage and husband. If the husband says he is not comfortable with it, and the wife persists this other relationship with another man, friend or not, its still wrong. Rather she is having an emotional affair, physical affair, or whatever, she is more than likely setting herself up for sticky situations and difficult decisions. Link to post Share on other sites
sally4sara Posted June 2, 2008 Share Posted June 2, 2008 No this is not the 5th grade. I know how men think. Tell me. What does this gentleman get from the friendship? I don't know. Maybe they both quilt. Maybe they both like foreign literature or Rockabilly music. Maybe she is helping him stick to a diet by eating together and she picks his food. It could be anything. I have a couple guy friends that *might* take me up on an offer for sex, but I'm not offering and they know I'd knock their block off if they asked especially since I am in a relationship and they know my man. I'd think it was low of them. What do they get out of it? My company and ear. Link to post Share on other sites
rproctor Posted June 2, 2008 Share Posted June 2, 2008 The point here is would his wife do that? Is this guy sending her love letters, flowers, naked fat man pics? If the guy never ever did anything like that, and the OP knows his wife has more class than that, what does it matter if Mr. Chubs thinks she is attractive? I'm sure anyone can recognize if someone is attractive and still have a platonic friendship. Mr. Chubs cannot magically make the OP's wife cheat simply by finding her attractive. It does not matter if his wife would do it or not, but just to note I doubt she would. But that does not change the fact that he would still sleep with her... Or potentially likes her... And if the friend thinks that he can get a chance, he might take advantage of that and try to seduce her to be with him. Here is a situation, which could come from this: Wife and the guy stay friends for a year. Become really good friends. Wife does not like the friend sexually, but friend likes her, a lot. One night, husband and wife get into a heated argument, someone spilled the milk, so wife goes out with her friend for a few drinks to blow off some steam. After a few martinis and a lot of husband bashing, friend goes in for the move. Now what? Does she sleep with him, does she slap him? No one knows, but here is the fact: she put herself in this situation, something she could have avoided. Whatever this friend has, she should be able to get from her husband, if she has to seek it from another man, then something is wrong. Link to post Share on other sites
sally4sara Posted June 2, 2008 Share Posted June 2, 2008 It does not matter if his wife would do it or not, but just to note I doubt she would. But that does not change the fact that he would still sleep with her... Or potentially likes her... And if the friend thinks that he can get a chance, he might take advantage of that and try to seduce her to be with him. Here is a situation, which could come from this: Wife and the guy stay friends for a year. Become really good friends. Wife does not like the friend sexually, but friend likes her, a lot. One night, husband and wife get into a heated argument, someone spilled the milk, so wife goes out with her friend for a few drinks to blow off some steam. After a few martinis and a lot of husband bashing, friend goes in for the move. Now what? Does she sleep with him, does she slap him? No one knows, but here is the fact: she put herself in this situation, something she could have avoided. Whatever this friend has, she should be able to get from her husband, if she has to seek it from another man, then something is wrong. Then the problem becomes issues with judgment while drinking (alcohol issues) and rape - duh. If the friend tells her he wants her physically - he gets the boot and was never really a friend. If he never says a word and pulls what you just described - it is rape. Link to post Share on other sites
rproctor Posted June 2, 2008 Share Posted June 2, 2008 Wow... Thats not rape... Its poor judgement... If she consented, even if she was a little tipsy, how is that rape? Having a few drinks and not making rational decisions is not rape. If she passed out and he sexually assaulted her without her consent, while she was unconscious, then that would be rape. Link to post Share on other sites
Untouchable_Fire Posted June 2, 2008 Share Posted June 2, 2008 Then the problem becomes issues with judgment while drinking (alcohol issues) and rape - duh. If the friend tells her he wants her physically - he gets the boot and was never really a friend. If he never says a word and pulls what you just described - it is rape. You miss the point! The marriage is currently in a rocky state. Typically when the husband gets this fact... it's pretty bad. So, what does she get out of this friendship? Male attention, from a source that she doesn't resent! It doesn't matter if she likes this friend in a sexual way or not right now. In fact she is probably telling herself it's Ok, because the guy is older and overweight. Hey... I've seen women cheat with much worse! She is using him for something that she should be using her husband for. Even though she is being open and honest about it... that does not mean this is problem free. Link to post Share on other sites
sally4sara Posted June 2, 2008 Share Posted June 2, 2008 You miss the point! The marriage is currently in a rocky state. Typically when the husband gets this fact... it's pretty bad. So, what does she get out of this friendship? Male attention, from a source that she doesn't resent! It doesn't matter if she likes this friend in a sexual way or not right now. In fact she is probably telling herself it's Ok, because the guy is older and overweight. Hey... I've seen women cheat with much worse! She is using him for something that she should be using her husband for. Even though she is being open and honest about it... that does not mean this is problem free. I don't think I'm missing any point the OP has posted. I asked for more information. Meanwhile everyone has to assume somethings up when she has taken the forward approach. Could be he is only feeling threatened because of the rocky last year and instead of looking at that, he gets to read a bunch of "your worst fear confirmed" when we don't know that. They have a rocky year. She makes a friend and is open about it - what good can he bring to this rocky situation by acting insecure and treating her like she is low enough to cheat when she may not be doing that at all. More information please. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted June 2, 2008 Share Posted June 2, 2008 OP, what stresses in the household besides your wife going back to work? The guy friend at work isn't a household stress, IMO. Any children? Tell us about your wife's other platonic male friends present or past.... Link to post Share on other sites
rproctor Posted June 2, 2008 Share Posted June 2, 2008 Just my thought: If the OP expressed to his wife that he is not comfortable with the male friend, and she refuses to let him go and continues to get closer to the friend, then she is definitely in the wrong, even if she is doing nothing wrong with the friend... Link to post Share on other sites
Untouchable_Fire Posted June 2, 2008 Share Posted June 2, 2008 They have a rocky year. She makes a friend and is open about it - what good can he bring to this rocky situation by acting insecure and treating her like she is low enough to cheat when she may not be doing that at all. More information please. He recognizes a potential problem situation. The sheer volume of contact speaks trouble to me. Doesn't it say the same to you? What he needs to do is draw firm boundaries with stated consequences, and require complete transparency. Simply trying to forbid her from talking to this guy is not acceptable, she is not a child. Also, he needs to get off his tail with all due haste and begin making the marriage less rocky. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted June 2, 2008 Share Posted June 2, 2008 Just my thought: If the OP expressed to his wife that he is not comfortable with the male friend, and she refuses to let him go and continues to get closer to the friend, then she is definitely in the wrong, even if she is doing nothing wrong with the friend... I would agree with that position if the behavior of the husband wasn't otherwise controlling and his wife had other platonic male friends. I think we'll need more information from the OP before I could really make an informed opinion. Globally limiting one's spouse's friends could indicate other marital issues at work. Link to post Share on other sites
angie2443 Posted June 3, 2008 Share Posted June 3, 2008 I expressed my concerns, but my wife said that I have nothing to worry about that "he's just a friend." . This is a big red flag to me. Everytime I see those words here on LS or hear other people say them, there is always a lot more behind them. To me those words are more harsh then saying "I have feelings for someone else", because those words are more often not a lie meant to keep you distant. Don't get too hung up on the sex part. Sex doesn't have to occur between opposite sex friends, or same sex friends for that matter, for the friendship to be harmful to the marriage. She is sieeng this guy and/or talking to this guy an awful lot for it to be just a safe, casual friendship. Keep talking to her, and trust your instincts. One other thing I wanted to mention, I have a mild crush on a 50 something year old man right now. He is balding and has a bit of a belly. I have no idea what I find attractive about him, my if my husband wasn't in the picture, who knows? Building strong emotional conections with people we would otherwise not find attractive, often makes them become more and more attractive to us. Link to post Share on other sites
jon01 Posted June 3, 2008 Share Posted June 3, 2008 I don't like it. If my wife were to have been going for coffees just her and some other fellow, I would be angry and also worried of what might come of it. Unfortunately a lot of women are all the same when they start to have marriage problems and deem themselves "unhappy." SOB guys who get close and too friendly with married women, all the while knowing they are married. These are the pr*cks that need to have their knee caps broken if you ask me. Link to post Share on other sites
Chrome Barracuda Posted June 3, 2008 Share Posted June 3, 2008 There should be lines that should never be crossed, his wife is on a slippery slope even if she doesnt see it. Friends of the opposite sex can pose a real threat to the marriage real or not! Link to post Share on other sites
jmargel Posted June 3, 2008 Share Posted June 3, 2008 Just my thought: If the OP expressed to his wife that he is not comfortable with the male friend, and she refuses to let him go and continues to get closer to the friend, then she is definitely in the wrong, even if she is doing nothing wrong with the friend... I would have to agree here. Myself, even though i'm married, I have about 5 good female friends. I'm actually going to a concert with one of them soon, however the wife doesn't care for the band and wants us two to go though. However, if she was uncomfortable with any part of that or the friendship, then she takes priority. It's not about control it's about the boundaries. If she were some co-worker of mine that my wife didn't trust then I doubt she would be ok with it. To the OP, she is not listening to you and the communication between you two is way off. I would highly suggest MC. You can't say they are having an affair because you have no proof. You can't control this other man or your wife for that matter. Good chance this guy is probably going to be led on by your wife. If she is discussing your marriage with him, then that is a red flag. Whatever you do, don't whine or beg for her back. Show/live confidence and start doing things to improve the communication. Also, check cell phone records, and you might want to put a keylogger on your computer. It might help to find out exactly what they are talking about by looking at her email. She will only tell you things to make you feel comfortable, which might mean she is not telling you everything. Link to post Share on other sites
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