Marriage On The Verge Of A Divorce

[tinker59]

My husband and I have been together for 5 yrs. We met while we were both serving in the Navy in Italy. We both got out in 2006 and went to live in California with my parents. I went to Nursing school and he joined the National Guard. Financially, we were struggling so he decided to join Active Duty Army last year. Our marriage has its ups and downs due to the transitions that we have been through. last time we were together was in January and it was the best 2 wks of our lives. I dropped him off in SFO airport in January and tears were just rolling and he didn't want to leave for training. He is currently in Georgia for training and he has met friends who are younger. We are both 28 yrs. old and he feels that it's just hard to resist temptation and he said it's ok for him to talk to women as long as he doesn't go all the way. He told me 2 days ago that he wants to be free and I asked him if he could say that he doesn't love me and he said he couldn't say that. I am having a hard time understanding this 360 turn. He said 3 mos ago that he's not in training to fool around and that he's there for us. Now he changed his tune stating that he realized he wasted 5 yrs of his life, passing on opportunities to be w/other women. I don't know him anymore. The person that I know even proposed to me for the second time underneath the Eiffel Tower a couple of years ago. I love my husband and I wish he didn't have to leave and be like this. I want to visit him in Georgia for Memorial Day weekend but he said not to waste money. I insisted and said I want to see you and I want us to have fun that weekend no matter what. I found out after reading the phone bill that he has been talking to this girl and he admits that he likes to have female friends.....I asked if the girl knows he married and he's like she knows that he is in a relationship. I don't know how to deal with this situation. Pls. give me some advise. I am having a hard time letting go of the person I fell in love with and he is a different person now after 3 mos. It's all about him feeling restrained to have sex with women who he finds attractive. He is headed for Korea for a year after Georgia. The distance before wasn't a big deal since he said 3 more yrs and he'll be out and I'll be a nurse. I'm willing to move and be with him but all he is thinking right now is not being free to have sex all the way. He still says that he loves me after every phone call. I don't know what to think and do. Pls. advise. He's holding on to grudges abt our past fights but I said no relationship is perfect and we were going through a lot. I miss him. I don't know if I should tell him that I know he is talking to a girl based on the phone bill. What should I do in this situation.

[LakesideDream]

I feel very bad for you. You didn't bargain for this when you married your husband.

 

It may not be any solice, but.. you are just 28 with much time ahead of you. It's probable that at 28 your husband feels like three years is a lifetime. Patience and time are very difficult concepts to master. I didn't figure out patience until I was almost fifty years old. Thinking ahead more than a few months was very difficult, sometimes impossible.

 

Hopefully, you can talk some sense into him. Three years isn't forever. In fact it would probably go by in a wink if the two of you can give it the oppertunity.

 

Good Luck, your in a very bad spot.

[SoleMate]

Very tough situation, I don't think there's a lot you can do. You especially cannot control HIS feelings or HIS behavior. It might take some load off of you to realize that. You can control YOUR feelings and behavior though.

 

At your young ages, separation required by Army deployments is very troublesome. You both need emotional and physical intimacy with each other. When you don't get it, you may feel very deprived and possibly sorry for yourself. A person in this situation can even get angry at the partner for not being there.

 

It sounds like your H has let all these feelings low through him and has reached the point of entitlement - i.e. I am entitled to get the emotional and physical closeness one way or another. If you're willing to move and be with him, he could have that closeness with you, but it sounds like he's already decided against that. A man who truly loved you as his #1 would want you to move to be with him in the situation you describe.

 

I'm really afraid that he would like to be in a marriage AND have gf on the side. He gets the security, status, benefits of marriage, and also the fun and freedom of single life. And you are a continent away so there is no real chance for you to interfere with his fun.

 

I asked if the girl knows he married and he's like she knows that he is in a relationship.

OK, that means she does NOT know he is married.

 

I'd like to be encouraging, but I don't see any realistic hope for a faithful marriage to this guy. Your M may or may not last, but it definitely won't include him being faithful and honest. These things are fundamental.....

[carhill]

OP, his words and actions tell me he loves you, but is not in love with you.

 

Can you wait around to see if/when "in love" comes back to him? Only you know this.

 

Considering the dynamic here, how would a D affect your day to day, irrespective of the emotional impact? It seems, as things are now, you'll be in emotional limbo as long as you let him keep you there, until he makes some decision.

 

No easy answer, but, IMO, a quantum shift in his personality and demeanor should not be ignored. You can't change him, only how you react to him.

[tinker59]

I booked my flight to Augusta, GA next month. Yesterday he got annoyed because I was asking about Julie, the college professor that he met at Soul Bar club last week. I saw on our phone bill that he has been calling her so he said he talks to her and wants her to be a female friend. So I apologized for asking. Then the weird thing happened, he called me back and asked me about going there and what clothes I should bring for the weather change. Then today, we talked n he said his training won't end for another 3 months and he goes to Korea for a year. I said I am excited to see him n he replied by saying, "I think it's a waste of money". I don't know if he has bipolar or what but it makes me crazy. I am trying too hard I ended the call by saying that I love him and he said it back but I feel exhausted for trying so much. Maybe I should stop calling him? What do you think I should do? I want to prepare for the worse and try to accept that he is not the same man who left San Francisco 3 months ago. I think about him everyday despite all the things he has said to me.