WTFover Posted March 24, 2008 Share Posted March 24, 2008 This may be the wrong forum, but oh well.. Real quick background info: A while ago my girl of several years had an affair. It was one of the most difficult things I've ever been through. But, we managed to get through it, and a couple months ago we were married. Everything was going fine and dandy until the other day when I was having lunch with her at her work. She wanted to show me something online and logged on to her computer. As she tried to minimize her email, something caught my eye. I asked her to stop and show me, and it was an email from her to the guy she cheated on me with. I didn't stay to read it. As soon as I saw the date she had sent it to him (Last Friday...) I walked out. Here's my question: She, is mad at me!! She's done nothing but attack and insult me since it happened. Some of the things she's said are actually quite rude, and hurt a little bit. Like, "If I was more of a man she wouldn't have to talk to other guys" and "if I had been a better boyfriend back then, she never would have cheated on me.." Those are just a couple examples. She's also attacked me with money issues and even asked if she should file for divorce. All this in the 20 min (total..) time I've talked to her since then.. (I have the luxury of having left town for a couple days on business soon after the discovery..) I don't understand this tactic she's using. Is she trying to cloud the issue? Or somehow distract me from what I actually saw? Is she honestly angry with me and/or maybe I'm overreacting?? As soon as I left her office I started getting angry calls and texts from her. They haven't stopped since... What the hell is she doing? What the hell should I do?? We're married now, so I can't just tell her "it's over".. But if we weren't married, that's what I might say.. This is a HUGE deal to me, but since it's happened, I haven't even been able to talk to her about it, it's been something else about me every phone call.. Thoughts? TIA Link to post Share on other sites
Author WTFover Posted March 24, 2008 Author Share Posted March 24, 2008 My original title said "Please help me understand this!" but it kept getting edited... I don't know why it changed... Link to post Share on other sites
LadyDi Posted March 24, 2008 Share Posted March 24, 2008 Perhaps instead of storming out, you should have stayed and read it. It may have been innocent. Who knows. But you're right, some of the things she is saying are just plain mean and uncalled for. Sorry for your troubles. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author WTFover Posted March 24, 2008 Author Share Posted March 24, 2008 Perhaps instead of storming out, you should have stayed and read it. It may have been innocent. It may have been innocent, but we agreed that she would never speak to him again after we got back together. Sorry, maybe I shoulda mentioned that in my 1st post. Also, the fact that she emails him from work and not from home tells me she was trying to hide it... Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 24, 2008 Share Posted March 24, 2008 Hate to say it, but it seems she is still having that affair, atleast an emotional one by keeping in touch with the OM. She needs to make a choice. You or him. Not both. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted March 24, 2008 Share Posted March 24, 2008 She, is mad at me!! She's done nothing but attack and insult me since it happened. Some of the things she's said are actually quite rude, and hurt a little bit. Like, "If I was more of a man she wouldn't have to talk to other guys" and "if I had been a better boyfriend back then, she never would have cheated on me.." She's using a tactic called "gaslighting". Look it up online. Its often very effective. You have every right to be angry/hurt/etc...and all she's doing now is trying to do damage control and avoid the consequences of her cheating. And, depending on where you're at...you CAN tell her "its over"..and file for an annulment/dissolution. Honestly...this early in the marriage, and she's doing this? I think that you SHOULD file. The odds are high that if she cheats now...she'll cheat later when things are more mundane. It sounds to me as though your relationship never REALLY recovered from the first affair...and that it probably never really ended. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 24, 2008 Share Posted March 24, 2008 She's pissed off because she has been busted again and she's not thinking of you, she's thinking of herself and how her little escape keeping intouch with the OM is coming to an end. Do you two have children? If not, really sit and consider your reasons for wanting to stay and working it out, or would it be best to leave now. Do you love her enough to give her a chance again, or is this the final straw. Has she continued the A since you've been married, or did it just start up again? Things you need to find out. Sorry that you're in pain. Link to post Share on other sites
Author WTFover Posted March 24, 2008 Author Share Posted March 24, 2008 But I still don't know what to do or how to handle how she's acting right now.. Link to post Share on other sites
Cobra_X30 Posted March 24, 2008 Share Posted March 24, 2008 What the hell is she doing? What the hell should I do?? We're married now, so I can't just tell her "it's over".. But if we weren't married, that's what I might say.. This is a HUGE deal to me, but since it's happened, I haven't even been able to talk to her about it, it's been something else about me every phone call.. She obviously doesn't respect you. See she thinks that she has all the power in the relationship, and she is trying to take what little you have left away from you. She says things to bring down your self worth... to make you doubt, to make you feel inferior to her. Sounds like it's kind of working... because your allowing her to do it. Here is the deal. Tell her you won't accept this behavior. She will be nice, she will respect your marriage, or you will divorce her. If she loves you... and wants to stay married to you, then she will do what is right. Otherwise, you know for fact that she doesn't love you, and why would you want to stay married to someone who doesn't love you? Make sense? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 24, 2008 Share Posted March 24, 2008 She isn't the person you once thought she was. Right now she's in the mindfog- affairyland and she isn't thinking clearly. Her actions show this to you and her reaction as well. She needs to FEEL consquences to change her behaviour. Find out if the OM is married. Maybe consider telling HIS wife that he and your wife have hooked up. That WILL put an end to their affair. Link to post Share on other sites
MarriedLife Posted March 24, 2008 Share Posted March 24, 2008 She's using a tactic called "gaslighting". Look it up online. Its often very effective. Interesting I looked up "gaslighting" which pertains to psychological manipulation which lead to references to the Martha Mitchell effect where a psychological patient's perception of real events are not believed. This reference lead to Casandra of Greek mythology who's name means: "she who entangles men" WTFover get UNTANGLED and get to the truth! Either communicate more or try counseling, but don’t storm out the room, and don’t get side tracked by red herrings, psychological manipulation, or deception! Something is wrong and your wife at least owes you the ability to make an INFORMED decision by telling you the TRUTH! Link to post Share on other sites
Bryanp Posted March 24, 2008 Share Posted March 24, 2008 Based on what she has said to you and her previous cheating, I would seek an annulment. See an attorney. Her comments you cited are absolutely unbelievable and shows her true nature. You would be quite foolish to stay in this marriage. She says these things to you and you have only been married 4 months. She contacts a lover she cheated with you only 4 months into your marriage. You made a huge mistake marrying her and I think you know this. She will destroy your self-esteem if you stay with her. Clearly she has no respect for you. If you do not respect yourself then who will? Link to post Share on other sites
mark982 Posted March 24, 2008 Share Posted March 24, 2008 WTFover, i would just leave,she has absolute no respect for you. many yrs. ago i forgave my wifes cheating,worst mistake i ever made. buddy she's only going to do it again, and it will eat you up. Link to post Share on other sites
twice_shy Posted March 24, 2008 Share Posted March 24, 2008 This may be the wrong forum, but oh well.. Real quick background info: A while ago my girl of several years had an affair. It was one of the most difficult things I've ever been through. But, we managed to get through it, and a couple months ago we were married. Everything was going fine and dandy until the other day when I was having lunch with her at her work. She wanted to show me something online and logged on to her computer. As she tried to minimize her email, something caught my eye. I asked her to stop and show me, and it was an email from her to the guy she cheated on me with. I didn't stay to read it. As soon as I saw the date she had sent it to him (Last Friday...) I walked out. good for you. Only one problem. You are married to her now. Too bad you were still just dating, you could have walked out and stayed out. Here's my question: She, is mad at me!! She's done nothing but attack and insult me since it happened. Oh no she didn't!!!! If you don't have kids with her, get an anullment man. Her emailing the guy she screwed you over for is ABSOLUTELY UNACCEPTABLE!! I don't care what the content of the email is. But more than that, she is mad at you for HER worthlessness. Some of the things she's said are actually quite rude, and hurt a little bit. Like, "If I was more of a man she wouldn't have to talk to other guys" and "if I had been a better boyfriend back then, she never would have cheated on me.." dude!!!!!! DIVORCE HER!!!!! I can't believe she would say crap like that. What the hell is she doing? What the hell should I do?? We're married now, so I can't just tell her "it's over".. But if we weren't married, that's what I might say.. This is a HUGE deal to me, but since it's happened, I haven't even been able to talk to her about it, it's been something else about me every phone call.. Thoughts? TIA If you just got married and really haven't accumulated any property together, you should be able to get an anullment. and in any case, divorce her anyway. She is a @#$@!!! Someone that would tell you that its your fault she cheated is probably still cheating. Leave this ditchpig. Link to post Share on other sites
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