TMCM Posted January 21, 2008 Share Posted January 21, 2008 In retrospect I see some red flags that should have been a wake up call to me that the woman I was considering marriage was not a good choice. One red flag was her insecurities. During our courtship and even after we got married, she would constantly accuse me of having an affair. At the time I thought that this was a sign of her emotional investment in me, I know foolish me. Another was catching her lying about even the smallest of things. It didn't occur to me that the act of lying was actually a power trip she indulged in towards her attempts to control me from finding out the truth about her. I have taught my children to stear clear of people who manifest these issues. I just wished that my parents would have done the same for it may have possibly saved me from many years of hell. Oh well we live and learn, don't we? Link to post Share on other sites
american-woman Posted January 21, 2008 Share Posted January 21, 2008 In retrospect I see some red flags that should have been a wake up call to me that the woman I was considering marriage was not a good choice. One red flag was her insecurities. During our courtship and even after we got married, she would constantly accuse me of having an affair. At the time I thought that this was a sign of her emotional investment in me, I know foolish me. Another was catching her lying about even the smallest of things. It didn't occur to me that the act of lying was actually a power trip she indulged in towards her attempts to control me from finding out the truth about her. I have taught my children to stear clear of people who manifest these issues. I just wished that my parents would have done the same for it may have possibly saved me from many years of hell. Oh well we live and learn, don't we? We all have some insecurities. Her lying to you is probally one of them. How do you react when she does tell you something? Have you given her reason to believe you are having an affair? Link to post Share on other sites
sarme Posted January 21, 2008 Share Posted January 21, 2008 (edited) It's no coincidence we attract the people that we we do. If this woman was insecure and needed constant reassurance, in a way you got some deep seated reward out of that yourself, in other words this did something for your own ego as well. Edited January 21, 2008 by sarme Link to post Share on other sites
Author TMCM Posted January 21, 2008 Author Share Posted January 21, 2008 No I did not give her any reason to suspect that I was having an affair. Unlike her [BTW we're talking about my ex-wife from whom I have been divorced now for quite a number of years] I was an open book and transparency was my way of life during the marriage. Mind you that plenty of opportunities were presented to me but even in the darkest of times during my marriage, I did not stray in great part because of my children for whom I did not want to abandon if I divorced their mother. Fortunately my ex-wife did a Britney Spears and I was given primary custody of the kids. Immediately afterwards, I filed for divorce. Interestingly she tried to play the simpathy card on me but her volatile and abusive behavior towards me and the children was too much to even consider reconciliation. She had plenty of opportunities to change course during the years we were married but she chose not to. There comes a time of no return and I had reach mine by the time I filed for divorce. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TMCM Posted January 21, 2008 Author Share Posted January 21, 2008 It's no coincidence we attract the people that we we do. If this woman was insecure and needed constant reassurance, in a way you got some deep seated reward out of that yourself, in other words this did something for your own ego as well. Oh absolutely but that can be said for almost all of us, can it not? Link to post Share on other sites
sarme Posted January 21, 2008 Share Posted January 21, 2008 Oh absolutely but that can be said for almost all of us, can it not? For sure!!! I have an excellent book at home that explains how attraction works and why we choose the partners that we do, and our patterns of attraction start as early as when we are newborns and the people that walk into our room and pick us up from the crib when we cry. I don't remember the name now since I read it a long time ago but I can post again tonight when I am home and go through my books...it's on my book case somewhere. If you are interested... Link to post Share on other sites
Author TMCM Posted January 21, 2008 Author Share Posted January 21, 2008 Of course please feel free to post the name of the book and its author. Even old dogs like myself can learn new tricks you know. WOOF! Link to post Share on other sites
sarme Posted January 21, 2008 Share Posted January 21, 2008 Sure i'll post it tonight. Old dogs that learn new tricks are the best to look out for, anyone can teach a young pup! ;-) Link to post Share on other sites
american-woman Posted January 21, 2008 Share Posted January 21, 2008 Sure i'll post it tonight. Old dogs that learn new tricks are the best to look out for, anyone can teach a young pup! ;-) LOL as long as their paper trained:laugh: Link to post Share on other sites
sarme Posted January 22, 2008 Share Posted January 22, 2008 LOL as long as their paper trained:laugh: LMAO that one is out my league, hopefully he comes fully trained LOLTMCM the name of that book is: Getting The Love You Want by Harville Hendrix. I read it a looooong time ago so thank you for making me remember it. I recall bits and peices of it but I think can rediscover it again. Question: what does TMCM stand for? Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedMM Posted January 22, 2008 Share Posted January 22, 2008 Red flags(AKA I shoulda known better) Bipolar disorder History of cheating and horrible reputation- people kept warning me when I first started seeing her. Lies, lies, and more lies. Broken dysfunctional upbringing and siblings breed like carp with just about anybody(a lifestyle they still live) Female friends(the few) all... well... sluts. No kind way to put it. At the time anyway. They've matured since then. Many, many male 'friends'. I knew all this before I got involved with her, let alone married her. What the hell was I thinking? How stupid can I be? Just to set the record straight, until her, I wasn't attracted to those traits. I don't think I ever found those traits attractive actually. I hope I'm not locked in to being attracted to women like her... if so, I'm doomed. I better just stay celibate. Link to post Share on other sites
sarme Posted January 22, 2008 Share Posted January 22, 2008 BetrayedMM WOW that is some description of your ex. can I ask you something? With all those flaming red flags, what postitives did you see in her? In other words, what made you fall in love with her to such point that you omitted all those really bad signs? Link to post Share on other sites
Confused9 Posted January 22, 2008 Share Posted January 22, 2008 I'm not sure if these are red flags, but...they are things I probably should be happy I no longer have to deal with although, I still sit here sad that he left. Maybe typing them out will make me feel better?! Bipolar disorder (or some form of mental illness.) He tried to kill himself back in the early 2000's and wound up in a mental hospital for 2 weeks. Alcohlic History of drug use/addict (?) Massive mood swings Liar. He would lie about money, how much he makes, how much other people made, etc. He would lie about other little things too. As far as I know he never cheated on me during our 7 year relationship until the end...but I know he cheated on other girlfriends in the past. I hope the first affair was the only one...but I don't know. He went off the deep end or so it seems with this girl...so I believe it is...luckily for me we ALWAYS used condoms. I knew he was a handful, but he loved me like no other and I am still shocked that he cheated and left me and hates me so much now. It's amazing...looking at all these things how I can explain that I miss him and want him back...but sadly, I do. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TMCM Posted January 22, 2008 Author Share Posted January 22, 2008 (edited) LMAO that one is out my league, hopefully he comes fully trained LOLTMCM the name of that book is: Getting The Love You Want by Harville Hendrix. I read it a looooong time ago so thank you for making me remember it. I recall bits and peices of it but I think can rediscover it again. I believe that my toilet training was what clinched the deal when I proposed marriage to my wife (second). Thanks sarme. I believe I've heard of that book when I used to lurk over by the Marriage Builders forums some years back. It was a highly praised book by the folks over there. As soon as I get a chance I will order it. Question: what does TMCM stand for? TooMuchCoffeeMan. BetrayedMM and Confused9, Now that you folks bring up the topic of mental illness, I do remember thinking at times if my ex-wife's over the top behavior was a sign of a mental disorder. Maybe she also suffered from Bipolar Disorder. Edited January 22, 2008 by TMCM Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedMM Posted January 22, 2008 Share Posted January 22, 2008 BetrayedMM WOW that is some description of your ex. can I ask you something? With all those flaming red flags, what postitives did you see in her? In other words, what made you fall in love with her to such point that you omitted all those really bad signs? Those were the red flags, not the whole person. She can be a whole lot of fun sometimes, is capable of a whole lot of affection. There were always surprises with her, never a dull moment, never a rut to fall into. In many ways she is utterly unlike any woman I've ever met.(but I've only been with this ONE Bipolar Bitch) I figured her past was just that- past, she hadn't done that nasty stuff to me(yet), so I gave her the benefit of the doubt. In that I was wrong- folks just don't change overnight. I know that now. I didn't know that promiscuity is a symptom of Bipolar at the time. Now I do. The chemistry between us was intense. She is still a very attractive woman, always was. Ya know, I could go on listing good things about her, but I don't want to dwell on that, I'm so angry, disgusted, fed up, etc. that at this point I really don't want to do that. It's easier to let go if I stay focused on her lying, cheating, backstabbing ways. Link to post Share on other sites
Blue Eyed Brain Posted January 22, 2008 Share Posted January 22, 2008 LMAO that one is out my league, hopefully he comes fully trained LOLTMCM the name of that book is: Getting The Love You Want by Harville Hendrix. I read it a looooong time ago so thank you for making me remember it. I recall bits and peices of it but I think can rediscover it again. Question: what does TMCM stand for? This is a terrific book! Get it. Link to post Share on other sites
PandorasBox Posted January 22, 2008 Share Posted January 22, 2008 I have known at least 3 different people who had bi polar disorder and they cheated. Is that like a common disorder amoung people who cheat? I'm not saying do ALL people who have that disorder cheat, but just saying some of the ones I know that do, have cheated. Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedMM Posted January 22, 2008 Share Posted January 22, 2008 In my last post I just said promiscuity is a symptom of bipolar. They may not ALL be promiscuous, instead that behavior is a sign that they may be bipolar. Sometimes it's possible to have a disease but not have every single symptom. Knowing what I know now, I consider it a HUGE red flag. Link to post Share on other sites
PandorasBox Posted January 22, 2008 Share Posted January 22, 2008 In my last post I just said promiscuity is a symptom of bipolar. They may not ALL be promiscuous, instead that behavior is a sign that they may be bipolar. Sometimes it's possible to have a disease but not have every single symptom. Knowing what I know now, I consider it a HUGE red flag. Sorry I missed your post on that. Wow I had no idea though. Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedMM Posted January 22, 2008 Share Posted January 22, 2008 No problem. I think that fact is important enough to justify repeating. People NEED to know these things. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TMCM Posted January 23, 2008 Author Share Posted January 23, 2008 Here are some more: Red Flags: The Importance of Dating Defensively The purpose of dating is to learn as much about the person as possible, and have fun at the same time. This article will help you get a good sense about how safe this person is for you. In the beginning of dating, when the love, infatuation and romance is out in full force, there is a strong desire to move closer and deeper as quickly as possible. The danger in this is that you really barely know the true person you are dating. "Dating defensivel" is a good idea, especially in the first few months. It is essential that you determine how emotionally and physically safe you are with this person that you barely know. The following is a list of the most common issues to be mindful of in your new dating partner. While none of these issues means you should immediately stop seeing someone, realize that the greater the number of issues your new dating partner has that are on this list, the greater your potential to be hurt. And remember that in the beginning of dating, this is as good as it gets! So if you're seeing red flags during a time in which everything is set up to be easy and fun, it is not a good sign and you should proceed very cautiously. The purpose of dating is to learn as much about the person as possible, and have fun at the same time. The following list will help you get a good sense about how safe this person is for you. Read this list over after you start dating someone. Refer to it frequently, so you don't let denial set you up to get hurt. Red flags should go up when the person you are dating... * avoids discussing their past or present life, or does so only vaguely * appears overly dependent on family members * seems to have few or no personal boundaries * exhibits excessive alcohol or drug use/abuse * exhibits frequent flirting or staring at others; seems to need constant attention * is not emotionally finished with ex-spouses/ex-lovers * is recently divorced or broken up from relationship * has credit problems, debts, shaky finances, undergoing a "temporary bad time" * seems to need to be in control at all times * never shows any fear or vulnerability * is unreliable; doesn't follow through on prearranged plans; is constantly late * expresses an overfocus on sexual themes * has few or no long-term friendships or previous relationships * interrupts without listening; talks only about self and never asks you about you * is unavailable through overwork or excessive interests, family, children * has a negative, pessimistic outlook on life; constantly critical of others; sarcastic sense of humor * does not take care of self in diet, exercise, appearance * cannot tolerate feedback from others without getting defensive * exhibits excessive computer use * has inappropriate ways of handling conflicts, or avoids conflict entirely whenever possible * exhibits an inappropriate expression of anger Link to post Share on other sites
OpenBook Posted January 23, 2008 Share Posted January 23, 2008 Dang, if I followed this list I'd never leave the house. :D Link to post Share on other sites
american-woman Posted January 23, 2008 Share Posted January 23, 2008 Sounds like my husband Link to post Share on other sites
Author TMCM Posted January 23, 2008 Author Share Posted January 23, 2008 You know something? Some of this stuff could apply to us as well, can it not? Link to post Share on other sites
american-woman Posted January 23, 2008 Share Posted January 23, 2008 You know something? Some of this stuff could apply to us as well, can it not? I read that list and it does`nt apply to me. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts