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Back In Love With High School Sweetheart


Infidelity In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concerns here.

Old 19th January 2008, 1:11 AM   #1
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Back In Love With High School Sweetheart

Ok
so here is the story. After 20 year my high school sweetheart contacted me. I have to say I was very curious. I had thought about him so much over the year. We dated in high school and a little in college. It was not a good relationship. I ended up leaving him for one of his friends. We married and have 3 kids. The marriage has been up and down. The X boyfriend came back into my life very innocent. It started out very innocent. Meet for lunch, a few e-mails here and there. Then one night out of the blue when we were just talking he kissed me. I can not say I did not want the kiss. This eventually went into meeting more, kissing more, and then recently it turned into a sexual relationship.
Here is the problem. I have not fallen deeply in love with him. He tells me his in love with me. But... I can not and will not leave my husband or family I have. I cant. He can not and will not leave his wife and her kids. This is his 2nd marriage. So now I am cheating, sneaking around and finding myself so conflicted. I do love him. But not sure what to do!
help
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Old 19th January 2008, 1:45 AM   #2
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I'm sorry but I think cheating is the most horrible thing that you can do in a marriage or a relationship. I've been cheated on by the person that I want to spend my whole life with so that's maybe why I feel strongly against that. We were together for almost nine years and we too were high school sweethearts. I believe that a relationship is a choice, especially a marriage and that you have to stand by the decision you have made. If you want out of your marriage then leave. Don't dig yourself in a deeper hole than you're already in.
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Old 19th January 2008, 5:40 AM   #3
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If you love your husband at all (doesn't sound like it)

If you respect your husband at all (doesn't sound like it)

Then you will tell your husband.

Anything less than full disclosure makes you a coward. When you decided to cheat on your husband with that skum you stopped being a wife toward him. If you can't be a wife at the very least do the right thing and tell him.

He may decide to stay or he may decide to go but it should be his choice. He had no say in your decision to sleep with this guy, at the very least allow him to decide whether or not he wants to sleep with you anymore. He needs to know the kind of woman he is married to so he can decide whether or not you deserve his devotion. He has potentially wasted the past 20 years with you. He needs to know so he can decide whether he wants to waste anymore time with someone who isn't faithful.

This may sound harsh but put yourself in his shoes. How would you feel after being married this long if your husband had an affair? I'm sure you would want to know. This act on your part was the most selfish thing a person can do to their significant other. Stop being selfish for once and give him the truth. He deserves a faithful wife, since you can't give him that at the very least give him the truth.
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Old 19th January 2008, 7:59 AM   #4
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You have some contradictions in your post. You say that you are not deeply in love with him but he is with you. Then at the end you say you are in love with him. So which is it exactly?

Also you know that this is going nowhere and the sneaking around and lying is draining. You might not feel it now but you know it's there, et al conflicted and thinking all the time, it will wear you out.

I am on the side in which I think you should tell your husband too. It not only opens everyones eyes to see there are problems in the marriage but it also gives him a chance to make his own decisions. I wish I had done that after my first affair, however I did not and I got to the point of severe deep depression and almost mental breakdown, you need to come clean and work on you and your marriage. Don't take your husband's voice away out of selfishness.
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Old 19th January 2008, 9:35 AM   #5
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How would you feel if your husband was doing to you what you are doing to him?
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Old 19th January 2008, 10:30 PM   #6
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If you love your husband at all (doesn't sound like it)
If you respect your husband at all (doesn't sound like it)
Then you will tell your husband.

I disagree with this advice above....if you love your husband, stop the affair immediatly, go to counseling for yourself, but do not share the affair with your husband. This will only hurt him.
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Old 19th January 2008, 10:45 PM   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by hdcomplicated View Post
Here is the problem. I have not fallen deeply in love with him.
Just so I understand, you only love him "deeply" enough to sleep with him ?

Step one is to be honest about what has transpired. There's nothing "innocent" about lunch and a few emails with an Ex, especially since I'll assume that you didn't tell your H about even that - or did you?

You have to cut off all contact (physical and otherwise ) with this guy before you can even think about dealing with the obvious problems in your marriage. That would be a start...

Mr. Lucky
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Old 20th January 2008, 11:53 AM   #8
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Quote:
Here is the problem. I have not fallen deeply in love with him. He tells me his in love with me. But... I can not and will not leave my husband or family I have. I cant. He can not and will not leave his wife and her kids. This is his 2nd marriage. So now I am cheating, sneaking around and finding myself so conflicted. I do love him. But not sure what to do
Well you have two choices, three actually.
1)Continue the affair by sneaking around and lying, deceiving your husband, betraying your whole family.
2)End the affair, tell your husband the truth of what you've been up to so HE can decide if he wants to stay married to you, give you a chance to make things right again.
3)Divorce and let your husband find a woman who won't cheat on him.

I really hope you end the A and get to marriage counselling. You also would benefit greatly to seek one on one counselling because your life is going down the toilet..
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Old 21st January 2008, 4:33 PM   #9
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yeah you need to tell your H asap. And you cannot say that what he doesn't know isn't hurting him, the hurt has already been done.

IF he would divorce you if he knew, he needs to know so he can divorce you. Basically it is up to him now what is to happen next.
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Old 21st January 2008, 5:23 PM   #10
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Either leave your H and start seeing this new guy, or stay with your H and stop seeing this new guy.

Pretty simple really If I were you I'd seperate from your H and work out how you feel about stuff. I know that means you risk losing your H but thats life - its the honest choice and it'd show your H there are problems in the M that need to be fixed (or you'll know with the time and space you want to be with the other guy or alone), so in the long run its the best thing.

My God I'm glad I'm not married....in my world, if I'm dating and prefer the look of another guy, it is very easy to just follow your heart...and just date the one you prefer the most! No need for all the crazy talk that M people come up with like 'affair fogs', 'staying for the kids', 'but I love them both'...crazy!
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Old 22nd January 2008, 7:15 PM   #11
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Originally Posted by jenniferc1114 View Post
If you love your husband at all (doesn't sound like it)
If you respect your husband at all (doesn't sound like it)
Then you will tell your husband.

I disagree with this advice above....if you love your husband, stop the affair immediatly, go to counseling for yourself, but do not share the affair with your husband. This will only hurt him.

You can't protect someone from the pains of life nor should you. The person who is cheated on has a right to know. How can they make an informed decision without all the facts? No one should have to waste their life in a relationship with someone who isn't faithful because they're unaware.

A doctor doesn't withhold a terminal prognosis from a patient to spare him or her the pain that it will cause them. No one has the right to play god and withhold the truth like that, NO ONE.

You can't have an honest, loving relationship that is built on lies. To suggest otherwise is insane.
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Old 22nd January 2008, 7:53 PM   #12
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jenniferc1114 View Post
If you love your husband at all (doesn't sound like it)
If you respect your husband at all (doesn't sound like it)
Then you will tell your husband.

I disagree with this advice above....if you love your husband, stop the affair immediatly, go to counseling for yourself, but do not share the affair with your husband. This will only hurt him.
I would agree with you IF her husband was an abusive and violent man who could pose a danger to her and others but if he's not then by choosing not to tell him she is giving herself the right to cheat again whenever there is marital discord and there is another available man waiting in the wings. Let's face it, if she can get away with it once, she can get away with it again and again, can she not? But if you don't believe that this can happen, then I'd suggest that you read Sierra Sunrise's comments about how she had many affairs and how she wishes she had told her husband right after her first affair. The lady has been there and knows full well what she speaks of.
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