Told husband that I cheated.....

[marriedandsad]

I posted a thread on another board on LS about how my husband and I have had major issues the past few years. I basically felt like I couldn't depend on him when a crisis would hit because he has shut me out so many times when I've needed him, leaving me to cope with grief and the loss of a child alone. We do nothing but argue and yell at each other. We have a 2 year old little boy together, so it's not very easy to begin with.

 

Last week I got very drunk with a friend of ours who was over. My husband passed out drunk and went to bed. Our friend and I decided to have a few more drinks and watch some movies. We ended up quasi-making out....and I stopped it before it went any farther when I realized exactly what I was doing. I went to bed and forgot all about it until the next morning when it all hit me again. We agreed to NOT tell my husband what happened. But that kiss brought on a whole wave of emotions that I haven't felt in a long long time. And it's really confused me. I admit I have feelings for the friend...he understands exactly how I feel at this moment. I had told my husband a few days ago I wanted to separate, because I am just so unhappy and sick of the non-stop fighting. I plan on taking our son with me.

 

Last night we were talking and I told my husband what happened. He was VERY angry with me and our friend understandably. HE is the victim...not us. He then said he forgives us. I asked him why and he said "Because he makes you happy....". I just sort of stared at him. I had popped 2 sleepings pills to get me through the night (like I have been as of late) and agreed to share a bed with him. He rubbed my back because I was still crying. I was just about asleep when he started trying to have sex with me....and I was soooo groggy. I told my husband I just couldn't right now....things are NOT okay...and I am so drugged up on sleeping pills that I have barely any comprehension as to what is going on. He then tried to force me to do something. I finally got mad and said "LEAVE ME ALONE!". And I fell asleep. Today I went to the doctor to get on antidepressants and some birth control pills and migraine meds. I mentioned the BC and my husband said "Yeah you don't want to get knocked up by *friends name*". I just stared at him. Then later on in the car after we left a store I mentioned inviting another friend to come along tomorrow night for our weekly get togethers with friend and us. He said it was a good idea. I said I would find something to do while they all played video games. He said "Yeah..you and *friend's name* could always go and make out again". Then he said "sorry...cheap shot"...but he keeps doing it!!!! He keeps making remarks like that. It's making me feel even more like a whore and it's pushing me away even more. I was already so distanced from him, and now he's making me want to run away. I deserve everything he is throwing at me...I know that. But he's saying this stuff in front of our son.

 

When does it stop being okay for him to say these things? I understand he has every right to be angry, and he should be. But saying those types of comments...it's really hurting me even worse than I already am. What can I do to make this all easier? I don't know if our marriage is going to remain intact. Our son and I are moving out at the end of the month. We're both starting counseling alone and together with different therapists. He says he wants us to be together, whatever it takes....but I don't feel like he will ever let this go. I know that in 5 years if we get into an argument, that he'll throw it right in my face.

[Owl]

Go find a good marriage counselor. One who understands the impacts and has a good plan on how to rebuild a marriage from infidelity.

 

You and your husband are going to need some good guidance on how to deal with this. He needs help in learning how to cope with his hurt and anger over the whole thing without destroying your love for him. You need to understand why you did what you did, and find a way to prevent it from happening again. And in learning how to help your husband in coping with what he's going through now as a result of your actions with the "friend".

 

Its not "right" for him to talk this way to you. It's UNDERSTANDABLE...but that doesn't mean its 'ok'.

 

You need to find a way to work through his anger and hurt APPROPRIATELY as part of some counseling.

[quankanne]

He then said he forgives us. I asked him why and he said "Because he makes you happy" … He keeps making remarks like that. It's making me feel even more like a whore and it's pushing me away even more. I was already so distanced from him, and now he's making me want to run away. I deserve everything he is throwing at me...I know that.

 

honey, even if you are at fault for your irresponsible behavior, you do NOT deserve to be treated like that, especially if your husband already says he's forgiven you. Because either he's lying or his idea of forgiveness comes with a back-handed slap. And neither is a good thing.

 

when you get to your counselor, be sure to mention this episode of making out with your friend, and that you've apologized to your husband for X reason. That you realize what you did was irresponsible, but you also realize you don't deserve to be flayed when your husband says he's forgiven you. Hopefully, this will open the door of communication where true forgiveness – which includes repentance and reconciliation – takes place.

 

because until your husband can reconcile what happened, he's always going to be making snide comments about what you've admitted to him. And he needs to be forced to look at his own behavior if he's going to harass you about yours.

 

it's not easy, but it IS possible.

 

good luck, kiddo, and don't give up, okay?

q

[SeraBella]

have you had therapy from the loss of your child?

 

 

there's so many issues here just all compounded and it keeps getting worse

[michaelk]

Forgiveness isn't really something you can give as long as you still feel hurt and resentment. Your H may have said he forgives you, but his actions tell a different story.

 

His sniping may be all about your betrayal, or it could be about other resentments he's holding and the betrayal may have simply been the trigger that's bringing things out into the open.

 

Either way, you need to seek marriage counseling. Without it, you'll have a rough road getting over this incident.

 

As for whether you deserve to be treated this way, I'd have to say no. Your H does deserve to express his hurt and anger towards you, so expect that. But he should be discussing it openly rather than sniping at you. That's just a way to take revenge on you emotionally for what you did, and is not constructive.

[marriedandsad]

thank you so much. I can't blame my husband though...what I did was wrong...and the worst part...I LIKED it. I know he's hurting pretty badly. I don't want to hurt him anymore. And I feel like I am making myself out to be the victim in all of this. I just don't know how to cope. Other than sleeping pills and alcohol.

 

I flinch everytime he makes a comment like that. I mean I know that he has every right to be angry...but to keep rubbing it in my face....feels a bit excessive. It shut me up pretty fast, since we were having a normal civilized conversation, it just seemed to come out of left field.

 

All I want is to be loved....and be understood. He loves me...but doesn't understand me. He thinks depression is merely being "sad". He doesn't understand it's like being in a desert all alone with nothing but sand in front of you and every step you take you lose more and more hope. Like everything you love is slipping away. You forget what true happiness is like. I'm already insecure about a lot of stuff....this is just compounding it. And this overwhelming guilt...it's making breathing unbearable.

[bish]

I posted a thread on another board on LS about how my husband and I have had major issues the past few years. I basically felt like I couldn't depend on him when a crisis would hit because he has shut me out so many times when I've needed him, leaving me to cope with grief and the loss of a child alone. We do nothing but argue and yell at each other. We have a 2 year old little boy together, so it's not very easy to begin with.

 

Last week I got very drunk with a friend of ours who was over. My husband passed out drunk and went to bed. Our friend and I decided to have a few more drinks and watch some movies. We ended up quasi-making out....and I stopped it before it went any farther when I realized exactly what I was doing.

 

Oh come on....you knew what you were doing when it STARTED...not after you were into it already. And being drunk isn't an excuse. Being drunk brings out the inhibitions of things you'd like to do, just never had the guts to do while sober.

 

I went to bed and forgot all about it until the next morning when it all hit me again. We agreed to NOT tell my husband what happened. But that kiss brought on a whole wave of emotions that I haven't felt in a long long time. And it's really confused me. I admit I have feelings for the friend

 

 

You have feelings for the "friend"?? Then he needs to cease being your friend unless you plan on leaving your husband.

 

 

...he understands exactly how I feel at this moment.

 

 

Of course he does, he wanted in your pants.

 

 

\I had told my husband a few days ago I wanted to separate, because I am just so unhappy and sick of the non-stop fighting. I plan on taking our son with me.

 

 

So you decide you aren't happy, you cheat on him...drop this bombshell on him...AND take his son to boot?? Nice...real nice.

 

 

Last night we were talking and I told my husband what happened. He was VERY angry with me and our friend understandably. HE is the victim...not us. He then said he forgives us. I asked him why and he said "Because he makes you happy....".

 

 

Did he say this because he makes you happy in a friend sort of way, or because he makes you happy in a giddy schoolgirl crush, I want to jump your bones kind of way? If it is the latter....then your husband has his own issues.

 

 

I just sort of stared at him. I had popped 2 sleepings pills to get me through the night (like I have been as of late) and agreed to share a bed with him. He rubbed my back because I was still crying. I was just about asleep when he started trying to have sex with me....and I was soooo groggy. I told my husband I just couldn't right now....things are NOT okay...and I am so drugged up on sleeping pills that I have barely any comprehension as to what is going on. He then tried to force me to do something. I finally got mad and said "LEAVE ME ALONE!".

 

this is sometimes what happens with a betrayed spouse. they figure if you won't have sex with them, its because you'd rather be giving it up to someone else. A BS has all kinds of crazy things going on in their head and having sex with their betrayer is one thing they think might save the day. This isn't how I felt at all, but I've heard this from BS's before.

 

 

 

And I fell asleep. Today I went to the doctor to get on antidepressants and some birth control pills and migraine meds.

 

Birth control pills? Why do I sense that these aren't for your husband?

 

 

I mentioned the BC and my husband said "Yeah you don't want to get knocked up by *friends name*".

 

 

Well can you blame him? You don't take BC while married, but now all of a sudden when you strayed you want on BC? Come on...I empathize with him in saying that.

 

 

I just stared at him. Then later on in the car after we left a store I mentioned inviting another friend to come along tomorrow night for our weekly get togethers with friend and us. He said it was a good idea. I said I would find something to do while they all played video games. He said "Yeah..you and *friend's name* could always go and make out again". Then he said "sorry...cheap shot"...but he keeps doing it!!!! He keeps making remarks like that.

 

Of course he does....you f###d him over. it is still fresh in his mind.

 

What is it about cheaters that expect the betrayed to simply get over it and drop it. You brought this down on yourself, so don't boo hoo about it and expect sympathy. The sympathies should lie with your H.

 

 

When does it stop being okay for him to say these things?

 

Its gonna be a long time....a REALLY long time. Either you need to take it until he decides it is no longer an issue....or you need to divorce him so he can move on.

 

And really, it isn't going to start getting better as long as you act like you should be immediately forgiven and he should just drop it. All you do is "stare at him" when he says things. Maybe if you acted remorseful it might help.

 

But I digress...after going through this myself, I am a strong advocate of divorcing a cheater. I tried to stay for my kids sake, I tried to fogive and love her again...but in the end, it wasn't fair to me to look at a cheaters face every day for the rest of my life. Your H shouldn't have to either. But that is his call and I can't best him if he decides to stay and make it work...even if it is only on the surface.

 

 

I understand he has every right to be angry, and he should be. But saying those types of comments...it's really hurting me even worse than I already am.

 

So what do you expect him to do? Bottle it all up? Sorry...this is what happens when you f##k someone over. You hurt him..he is angry, VERY angry, and he will say things like that in anger.

 

 

What can I do to make this all easier?

 

Start acting like you give a shiit instead of just staring at him when he is obviously hurting.

 

 

I don't know if our marriage is going to remain intact. Our son and I are moving out at the end of the month. We're both starting counseling alone and together with different therapists. He says he wants us to be together, whatever it takes....but I don't feel like he will ever let this go. I know that in 5 years if we get into an argument, that he'll throw it right in my face.

 

He might throw it in your face once in a great while...you have sentenced him to a life of looking at a cheaters face every day if he decides to stay.

 

But for you to automatically take his son from him when you are the one that did this is despicable. If he agrees that he should be with you..thats one thing....but what is it about cheaters that its bad enough that they hurt someone in one of the worst possible ways....then to add insult to injury, they take their child from them?

 

Its despicable.

Edited January 9, 2008 by bish

[whichwayisup]

just don't know how to cope. Other than sleeping pills and alcohol.

 

Seek counselling to help you cope. Not only because of the fooling around with the friend, but also for your loss. Losing a child is absolutely devastating and it seems it tore you and your husband apart, instead of giving eachother support, you both handled it by distancing yourselves from eachother, growing apart and making some no so good choices...

[marriedandsad]

I don't recall asking for sympathy. My husband and I have had a LOT of issues in the past. Like him getting mad at me and smashing a pillow down so hard on my face it gave me a bloody nose. Or him telling a MC that he doesn't want more children with me because I quote "She was such a bitch last time I don't want to go through that again". Or how about this doosey. I lost our oldest son in the second trimester and my HUSBAND completely IGNORES me....he knows I'm hurting, I'm crying every single night because my grief was so deep, yet he sat there and played video games and did NOTHING until I attempted suicide. THEN he blamed ME for how I was feeling.

 

The BC pills...people take them for reasons other than pregnancy you know. How about my periods are so sporadic and painful that I need them. ALSO last time he and I took a break, we ended up having sex and I got pregnant and had a miscarriage then as well. I AM not going to go and have sex with the OM...HELL NO!!!!! I resent being implied that I am a whore. I am the exact opposite. I am one of the most modest people you would ever meet.

 

And I am not taking our child away from him!!!! We agreed to joint custody. But if I don't take him with me, if my husband challenges the custody agreement later, the fact that I left and didn't take him works against me 100%. We both agreed it would be better if our son stays with me since I am the primary caregiver. He doesn't even know what to do if he has a fever. I never said "I'm taking our son and he'll never see him again"...where the HELL did you get that from? I would never rip his child away from him....ever!!!! Our child is the primary concern in all this.

 

And yes, I DO deserve to be treated like crap....believe I know that. But you are being pretty harsh...and from what your wrote, you're slightly biased on the fact you have been cheated on, and I feel as if you are taking your anger about that out on me. Which to me, is WRONG.

[Cobra_X30]

thank you so much. I can't blame my husband though...what I did was wrong...and the worst part...I LIKED it. I know he's hurting pretty badly. I don't want to hurt him anymore. And I feel like I am making myself out to be the victim in all of this. I just don't know how to cope. Other than sleeping pills and alcohol.

 

I flinch everytime he makes a comment like that. I mean I know that he has every right to be angry...but to keep rubbing it in my face....feels a bit excessive. It shut me up pretty fast, since we were having a normal civilized conversation, it just seemed to come out of left field.

 

All I want is to be loved....and be understood. He loves me...but doesn't understand me. He thinks depression is merely being "sad". He doesn't understand it's like being in a desert all alone with nothing but sand in front of you and every step you take you lose more and more hope. Like everything you love is slipping away. You forget what true happiness is like. I'm already insecure about a lot of stuff....this is just compounding it. And this overwhelming guilt...it's making breathing unbearable.

 

I'm going to be honest and say the attitudes you have for one another... do not bode well for the future.

 

He is'nt rubbing this in your face... He needs something from you on an emotional level to heal and your too self absorbed to listen. The way you rejected his sexual advances speak volumes to this. It's not the fact that you were not in the mood... it's the way you communicated that fact to him.

 

Does that make any sense? I think what I'm saying is kind of complex... because you have to understand how your H thinks, but its important if you want things to work.

 

Yeah... your husband is kind of a clueless jerk, but I think you have the opportunity to fix your M if you so choose.

 

If you start understanding him... and put effort into meeting his needs, he should respond the same way. It may take a month of solid effort on your part... but my money says he starts becoming a much more loving and wonderful husband!

[Bryanp]

I applaud you for being honest with your husband. I am just wondering how do you think you would be feeling and acting if your husband told you that when you went to sleep he started making out with a lady friend in your own home? It is so humiliating and disrespectful. Nevertheless I applaud you for being honest with him.

[Chrome Barracuda]

The reason he's saying those things is because he's in the anger phase. You having feelings for your so called friend isnt a friend!!!!

 

Your husband is facing the end of his marriage!!!

 

And you want him to be nice about it!!!

 

You want him to stop with all the comments stop with the friend, recommit to the marriage and dont move out!!!

 

Make him understand it was wrong and schedule MC for both of your sakes.

 

You do know that if you move out he possibly will find someone else!?

 

And you do know he possibly will file for divorce?

 

Do you know how it feels to have your loved one cheat while your in the same house sleep? That's so disrespectful!

 

Why dont you want to fix it? Where's the update!

[marriedandsad]

I'm going to be honest and say the attitudes you have for one another... do not bode well for the future.

 

He is'nt rubbing this in your face... He needs something from you on an emotional level to heal and your too self absorbed to listen. The way you rejected his sexual advances speak volumes to this. It's not the fact that you were not in the mood... it's the way you communicated that fact to him.

 

Does that make any sense? I think what I'm saying is kind of complex... because you have to understand how your H thinks, but its important if you want things to work.

 

Yeah... your husband is kind of a clueless jerk, but I think you have the opportunity to fix your M if you so choose.

 

If you start understanding him... and put effort into meeting his needs, he should respond the same way. It may take a month of solid effort on your part... but my money says he starts becoming a much more loving and wonderful husband!

 

The reason I didn't want to have sex last night was A)I had taken a good dose of sleeping pills so I was in no condition for that and he knew it.

B) Everytime I touch him or give him a kiss on the cheek, he acts like everything is hunky dory and that there is no problem. C) I went off BC and I have a massive latex allergy....I really don't feel like this is the time for me to get pregnant. I am just starting back on them due to really really bad periods. But I had kept telling him I didn't want to have sex....I told him I was too out of it, and now really wasn't a good time to do that. I didn't think I sounded like a jerk....I didn't want anymore confusion than necessary. I probably should've camped out on the couch again to be truthful. But he kept pushing for it over and over and over until I finally demanded he leave me alone. Why should I have to put out to make him feel better? How does that work?

 

As for being a wonderful loving husband....if you could only be a fly on the wall in our home. Our neighbors have come knocking on our apartment door wanting to know if everything was alright because all they could hear was him screaming at me. If I leave a dirty dish on the counter, he comes in, and demands to know why I didn't wash it or at least put it in the sink, and then goes on and on about how he has to do everything it seems. Nothing I do is done without some sort of criticism. Our own parents have pointed this out and his mother told him he needs to back off a little bit when it comes to that. It seems that whatever I do, he can do better, and is sure to point that out to me.

 

We weren't always like this. We got married way too young. I was only 22 and totally not ready for marriage. But I was pregnant and was trying to do the right thing. When we were dating/engaged....we never fought. We got along wonderfully and seemed like the perfect couple. Then stuff got thrown into our lives and we just couldn't function as a couple. We couldn't be there for each other. Whenever something happened, he'd shut down and leave me to deal with it on my own. So now I depend only on myself. I can't rely on anyone else. I just needed him to hold me once in awhile, but instead he pushed me away. And that became the regular thing. I should find the link to my other post that explains a lot of what has been going on. It hasn't been easy. And no it's no excuse for what I did. Never will be either.

[marriedandsad]

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t140672/ there is the link.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Your making up alot of excuses!!!!

 

Why isnt he on any board explaining on what he's going through.

 

Your still not looking at it from his perspective.

 

We got married young?

 

So you want to leave is that it?

[Rooster_DAR]

When does it stop being okay for him to say these things? I understand he has every right to be angry, and he should be. But saying those types of comments

 

A great trust was broken, as well as a mass betrayal. Without some professional intervention his only way to handle the situation is his way and that's with resentment. These are normal reactions for anyone who has been betrayed, once that's understood you need to seek at least some short term professional advice on how to deal with the problem. The honesty probably helped to some extent, but much more needs to be dealt with before you both can recover from the incident.

 

Don't sit back and do nothing unless you want your marriage to fall apart.

 

Regards,

[marriedandsad]

I guess I really am completely at fault for all this. And you're right. It doesn't matter how I feel. I need to keep my family together no matter what. That's what anti-depressants are for right?

[michaelk]

But you are being pretty harsh...and from what your wrote, you're slightly biased on the fact you have been cheated on, and I feel as if you are taking your anger about that out on me. Which to me, is WRONG.

 

For better or worse, you're right. You'll find that sometimes people use this forum to vent feelings about their own personal issues rather than providing help to posters. It's part of the price you pay for using LS. Just try to focus on the good advice that's out there and ignore the rest.

[quankanne]

M&S – stop beating yourself up so much. Yeah, what you did was irresponsible, but I get the impression you understand that it was wrong, and you had the balls to admit to your husband what happened.

 

he's gonna be rubbing it in your face because he's hurt; more than that, though, I think there are some underlying issues that make me wonder if this isn't a way to keep you under his control emotionally, by making you feel like crap.

 

hopefully, a good counselor will help you heal your marriage, and hopefully, your husband will see the light about how his general outlook just adds to the problem. Because depression – even that which arises from grieving – is no laughing matter, and having an unsupportive or ignorant spouse in the picture just magnifies the problem.

 

I think Rooster says it best: You need to seek at least some short term professional advice on how to deal with the problem(s)

[Cobra_X30]

The reason I didn't want to have sex last night was A)I had taken a good dose of sleeping pills so I was in no condition for that and he knew it.

B) Everytime I touch him or give him a kiss on the cheek, he acts like everything is hunky dory and that there is no problem. C) I went off BC and I have a massive latex allergy....I really don't feel like this is the time for me to get pregnant. I am just starting back on them due to really really bad periods. But I had kept telling him I didn't want to have sex....I told him I was too out of it, and now really wasn't a good time to do that. I didn't think I sounded like a jerk....I didn't want anymore confusion than necessary. I probably should've camped out on the couch again to be truthful. But he kept pushing for it over and over and over until I finally demanded he leave me alone. Why should I have to put out to make him feel better? How does that work?

 

As for being a wonderful loving husband....if you could only be a fly on the wall in our home. Our neighbors have come knocking on our apartment door wanting to know if everything was alright because all they could hear was him screaming at me. If I leave a dirty dish on the counter, he comes in, and demands to know why I didn't wash it or at least put it in the sink, and then goes on and on about how he has to do everything it seems. Nothing I do is done without some sort of criticism. Our own parents have pointed this out and his mother told him he needs to back off a little bit when it comes to that. It seems that whatever I do, he can do better, and is sure to point that out to me.

 

We weren't always like this. We got married way too young. I was only 22 and totally not ready for marriage. But I was pregnant and was trying to do the right thing. When we were dating/engaged....we never fought. We got along wonderfully and seemed like the perfect couple. Then stuff got thrown into our lives and we just couldn't function as a couple. We couldn't be there for each other. Whenever something happened, he'd shut down and leave me to deal with it on my own. So now I depend only on myself. I can't rely on anyone else. I just needed him to hold me once in awhile, but instead he pushed me away. And that became the regular thing. I should find the link to my other post that explains a lot of what has been going on. It hasn't been easy. And no it's no excuse for what I did. Never will be either.

 

I really understand why you told him no. And it's very Ok to turn him down. It's your body and he should respect that.

I'm saying that you need to be aware of how you do that. If you say "no I dont want to have sex with you", your rejecting him physically and emotionally, if you say "I don't feel well, how about tomorrow?" your only rejecting him physically... usually that doesnt hurt a guy much.

 

Now it sounds like your already doing something similar.

 

My thoughts are this. Your H has control issues, and tries to fix his self esteem issues by brining you down to his level.

 

At this point... I'm not sure it is productive to talk about kissing other guys... you only kissed him right?

 

It's much more important to let your H know that he is quite honestly... a crappy husband. He needs to get himself into some kind of therapy... because any intelligent outside source is going to call him out for bieng an A-hole.

 

I think your marriage is in dire straights... it sounds like you are both in an affection withholding arms race. He needs to choose really soon to fix it or end it. Put the ball in his court, and let him know what you need from him. This probably isnt a time to be timid.

 

Despite what other people on here may say... you are not a bad person. You are a good person in a bad situation.

[LakesideDream]

DOUBLE STANDARD ALERT ! DOUBLE STANDARD ALERT ! DOUBLE STANDARD ALERT !

 

Come on posters, you know if it was a man kissing (?) a woman dowstairs while the wife was sleeping upstairs the majority here would be screaming for divorce, or blood ! There would be no statements like "weel you only kissed him"...

 

This guy needs to kick this gal to the curb. Personally I would deliver a "I love you but I'm not in love with you" speach.

 

The female OP "cheated" on her husband, however she's defiant, and unrepentant. So be it.

[cj1988]

First, I am sorry you are going through this right now, I hear your pain. But, kissing the OM and having feelings for him puts your H in MORE pain than you can imagine. I KNOW what it is like to be ignored and taken for granted and that is terrible. But, betrayal is far worse than anything you could ever imagine in your life time.

 

I can tell you think some of the posts here are attacking you or taking ity out on you if they are in fact a BS. That should tell you how deep the pain of betrayal goes and how it does not go away for years, if ever. So, please remember, everyone is here to help you, I know I am and I am a BS for sure, still coping and in pain !

 

Hang in there ! Last get rid of the friend for now, he wants sex and that is it !

[Owl]

GO GET A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR TODAY!!!

 

The more you right, the more details come out, the more your situation screams the need for professional help.

 

Its clear that neither of you HEAR the other very well. I don't see much understanding of either side's points of view in what you described.

 

Honestly...get to a counselor right now.

 

And drop the alchohol and any other "pacifiers" that are being used.

[bish]

The BC pills...people take them for reasons other than pregnancy you know. How about my periods are so sporadic and painful that I need them. ALSO last time he and I took a break, we ended up having sex and I got pregnant and had a miscarriage then as well. I AM not going to go and have sex with the OM...HELL NO!!!!! I resent being implied that I am a whore. I am the exact opposite. I am one of the most modest people you would ever meet.

 

Lets see....you get found out that you made out with this "friend"...then you go to get BC pills? I don't care what the reason for it is...your timing is pretty bad.

And you are one of the most modest people we could meet? I bet the "friend" doesn't think so. If you were all so modest, you wouldn't have made out with this guy...then come in this forum and say, in caps, you "LIKED IT!"

 

 

And I am not taking our child away from him!!!! We agreed to joint custody.

 

Joint custody doesn't mean d!ck. You still will be the custodial parent and your husband will only get to see him like every other weekend and maybe a night a week. If he agrees with that...then fine....but I see too many cheaters that take the kid and are the custodial parent...ya real fair to the person that was betrayed. pouring salt on an open wound.

 

I never said "I'm taking our son and he'll never see him again"...where the HELL did you get that from? I would never rip his child away from him....ever!!!!

 

In my view, whoever is NOT the custodial parent loses big time. Its bad enough you cheated on him, he would have to pay another price for your indiscretion...the fact that he won't be seeing his son on a daily basis. Maybe if you knew what that is like you'd understand.

 

Our child is the primary concern in all this.

 

Was he the primary concern when you made out with this "friend" and "LIKED IT!"??

 

 

And yes, I DO deserve to be treated like crap....believe I know that. But you are being pretty harsh

 

Well what do you want...coddling?

 

 

...and from what your wrote, you're slightly biased on the fact you have been cheated on, and I feel as if you are taking your anger about that out on me. Which to me, is WRONG.

 

you bet I'm harsh based on my experience. I'm sorry you didn't get the rub on the back from me telling you it is alright.

 

So what did you really come here looking for? You already told us that you are moving out and he wants you to have custody....so that tells me you are getting a divorce. Which is good. That is what I would recommend.

 

So if you already know what is going to happen...what "advice" are you looking for? Or are you looking for any at all?

 

If you are looking for advice on how long do you have to put up with him making comments....the answer would be....it doesn't matter...looks like you 2 are already taking the steps towards divorce.

 

And if you aren't taking steps towards divorce, then the answer would be you have to understand that these comments come from him because you have hurt him in the worst way and this anger of his is justified and won't subside within a month or 2. There are reports of guys on here that it took 2 years or better.

 

But if you ask me, once there is infidelity, I wouldn't recommend anyone staying with a cheater. And if he is as bad as you say he is...then I'd say just get a divorce. Because even if he stops making the remarks to you, it will come back once in a blue moon when he thinks about it. And he can never really be happy knowing that you could cheat again at any time and reliving what you did to him in his mind from time to time.

[bish]

I'm going to be honest and say the attitudes you have for one another... do not bode well for the future.

 

He is'nt rubbing this in your face... He needs something from you on an emotional level to heal and your too self absorbed to listen. The way you rejected his sexual advances speak volumes to this. It's not the fact that you were not in the mood... it's the way you communicated that fact to him.

 

EXACTLY!! He is looking for any sign of remorse...and he isn't getting it. What he gets is someone that just "stares at him". Maybe if she acted like she gave a crap, it might be different.

 

 

Yeah... your husband is kind of a clueless jerk, but I think you have the opportunity to fix your M if you so choose.

 

yes, her husband isn't perfect either...but I don't think there is any fixing this M. Not when someone is hurting and all the other person can do is "stare" at them when they are angry about it and pushing him away.

 

If you start understanding him... and put effort into meeting his needs, he should respond the same way. It may take a month of solid effort on your part... but my money says he starts becoming a much more loving and wonderful husband!

 

If this M is fixable...its gonna take longer than a month of solid effort....try 8 months to a year. And if she isn't willing to put in that solid effort..then just get it over with and file for divorce.