LoveShack.org Community Forums

Reload this Page LoveShack.org Community Forums > Romantic > Marriage & Life Partnerships > Infidelity

Decision to ruin a marriage


Infidelity In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concerns here.

 
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 17th December 2007, 12:55 AM   #1
New Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 5
Decision to ruin a marriage

What kind of person does it take to knowingly go after a married man when she has been friends of both the married man and his wife? This woman has been in several relationships all ending with her ultimately alone again. She uses people to get what she wants and is terribly possessive when she is in a relationship. I can remember chatting with her years ago about what she looks for in a man and the top 10 things had to do with how much money he had, owned his home, etc., nothing pertaining to being in a relationship based on love and trust - nothing about being a life-long couple of best friends. Unfortunately I've discovered that she is now an alcoholic and of course alone again. She tried to ruin my marriage and thanks to many wonderful years and his being able to see what he would be losing and that the trade would definitely be going down not up, he finally came to his senses and we are back on track to making our relationship better than it ever was. He said he never stopped loving me but she just kept coming around and shoving herself in his face... He doesn't excuse his actions and tells me he is trying his best to make it up to me. He said he couldn't believe I would take him back and I told him I had made some mistakes and the simple fact was that I love him and can't imagine being without him ever again. We're committed to each other and she has not taken their break-up well which gives me pleasure. I never want to go through that pain I felt when he left me for her. Funny thing is he says he didn't really leave me for her, he couldn't really describe what he was feeling other than youth leaving him with seeing an gray haired old man and this other woman (10 years younger) thought he was pretty cool. Of course he was and is pretty cool and I am so happy that he came back to me that I will spend the rest of my life letting him know how very cool he is to me. We never stopped loving each other and we will never take each other for granted ever again. We're taking this one day at a time and there has been some tearful times but we both think the union is worth saving and neither of us have any doubts.

Sometimes I feel like I've been dropped from another planet, I just don't understand how people can just think it's ok to go after a married person. I know he was a great catch, she wasn't stupid in her choice, but how does one just decide to set their sights on someone who is married and appears to be in a committed relationship? I just don't get it but then my morals are high and my marriage vows mean something. Yes my husband screwed up badly and it hurt so very badly but he very willingly came back and I do believe he will never make that mistake again. I could have divorced him and when I envision them being intimate it does drive me mad and I want to just whack him on his noggin or johnson, but I won't. I will not waste any more of my time drowning in sorrow over what he did but instead I'm determined to make our relationship so strong that if 50 women smother him with everything they have, he would still drop them all to the side and come home to me. Life is for living and we're going to have the best time ever; I've had my wake-up call. I should be grateful to this woman for waking me up but as I have no feeling whatsoever for her, I won't even give her that. Sign me "Crazy for my man"
LorettaMermaid is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 17th December 2007, 1:50 AM   #2
Established Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 813
I hear you, lorettam. I find women who deliberately set their sights on a taken guy to be the lowest of the low.

All my life, no matter how much I thought the guy was a real catch-the second I heard he was in a relationship the flame went out for me, and I would not even consider liking him at that point on.

I realized I was different than so many people who had no issue with this.

I have been insulted when someone in a relationship came on to me-that they thought I would even entertain accepting position as second best. Yet so many people do.

I couldn't imagine entertaining the notion of being the girl on the side-and have told off people for assuming that-it made me feel horrible-not complimented!

I am sorry you had to deal with that nightmare, but you came out the other side sounding positive.


Last edited by Florida; 17th December 2007 at 1:53 AM..
Florida is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 17th December 2007, 2:19 AM   #3
Established Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Posts: 10,658
Quote:
Originally Posted by LorettaMermaid View Post
He said he never stopped loving me but she just kept coming around and shoving herself in his face... He doesn't excuse his actions and tells me he is trying his best to make it up to me. He said he couldn't believe I would take him back and I told him I had made some mistakes and the simple fact was that I love him and can't imagine being without him ever again. We're committed to each other and she has not taken their break-up well which gives me pleasure. I never want to go through that pain I felt when he left me for her. Funny thing is he says he didn't really leave me for her, he couldn't really describe what he was feeling other than youth leaving him with seeing an gray haired old man and this other woman (10 years younger) thought he was pretty cool.
While I admire your devotion, your desire to blame the OW sure seems to give your H a free pass. Since I'm assumming that she didn't kidnap and sexually assault him at gunpoint, he knowingly and willingly cheated on you with her. What would keep that from happening again ?

Mr. Lucky
Mr. Lucky is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 17th December 2007, 2:25 AM   #4
Established Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2005
Posts: 19,375
Journal Entries: 1
I agree with Mr. Lucky. It takes two to tango right It may be easier to blame her, but he is more at fault then she is. It is his marriage he went outside of, his decision to ruin it.
Citizen Erased is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 17th December 2007, 11:54 AM   #5
New Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 5
Why they do what they do...

Thanks for the replies...and I know he made a serious mistake and certainly should not have done what he did. He is doing everything he can to make it up to me and being able to trust him again will be very hard. I do know that had this woman not been so intent on making him hers, he never would have left our bed for hers.

I've had opportunities to cheat when OM have shown interest, and one in particular was not taking no very easily, but like I said, the marriage vows mean something to me. I guess one of the reasons why I easily blame the OW is that for as long as I've known her, over 20 years, she has operated this way and I severed ties with her over 13 years ago because she was after my husband then but denied it. He was clueless and for some reason she didn't stalk him then like this last time. I believe the difference was she was married then and this time she just happened to not be in a relationship when she came after him again. This woman came to his work place before he arrived for work, or shortly thereafter, and was also there when his work day ended. She would bring him gifts, wear short teddies under her coat and I believe that had we not been having problems at home he might have been able to tell her to shove off. Yes he was in the wrong but I still get back to the question as to why people do this. I can't imagine, say I'm widowed or divorced, of ever knowing someone appearing to be happily married, to take the steps she took to knowingly try and ruin that marriage! Without all of her pushy activity he would have never even thought of her, much less take the path he took. And yes I could go the other route and dump him just as fast as he dumped her but I love him and I have to believe that we can once again be best friends, lovers and make our union stronger than it ever was. Can I 100% believe in him again? I don't know but I am going to try. I would much rather believe him and set a course of having a great time of it with him and then find out I was wrong rather than to live each day worrying if he is being faithful and making myself miserable and our marriage straining as well. What fun would life be then? This woman never even let him have time to breathe much less think about what he was doing...and unfortunately for her, once she had him the strength of our marriage, brought him to his senses and he's never looked back. I did ask him why it was so easy to lie and act like a person I had never known. He said it wasn't easy and he can only think that he lost his mind for awhile and that he was flattered by someone 10 years younger thinking he was hot. We're not a young couple and as we feel youth running by us while we enter a more senior phase of life, I can understand that it probably was an exciting feeling even if this woman has a history of doing what she did to him. What is interesting when I asked him if the tables were reversed and I had been the one doing this, how would he feel...his answer pleased me; he does not want another man around me. So please I am not excusing him, I still want to know why OM and OW don't see someone is married and move on. What gives them the right to just ignore the fact that someone is married? I guess I have to remember that we are all just mere human beings and none of us is perfect. In a perfect world these things would not happen. I would guess the reason why the OW and OM do what they do is because they can and if they play their cards exactly right, marriages are ruined and what do they care, they got what they set out to catch. I hate knowing my husband was unfaithful and some days I just want to scream although I've only destroyed one picture of us together so I believe that is a positive sign. The funny side of this is if when these marriage wreckers are successful in their quest, their track record and the married person they sought who played the game with them, who now has a soiled past as well, should not be too surprised to learn this new relationship, based on infidelity, will soon hit the skids as well because if they did it once they are bound to do it again. Again thanks for your replies, I'm an analyst and always asking why and your input really helps.
LorettaMermaid is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 17th December 2007, 11:55 AM   #6
Established Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: Close to the Edge
Posts: 8,862
I can understand what you guys are trying to say, but I think you are missing the "best friend" part. There was a double betrayal here. This woman claimed to be her friend as well. It may have just been part of the act to get close to her H.

If she wants to place some blame on this woman who not only knew he was M'd, but also was well acquainted with the W - she should do so.

There is nothing worst than finding out that a friend is who your H was messing with, and that your so-called friend was messing with your H. Makes you wish you could pinch yourself and wake up and find that it was only a dream.
NoIDidn't is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 17th December 2007, 1:11 PM   #7
Established Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 813
Quote:
Originally Posted by NoIDidn't View Post
I can understand what you guys are trying to say, but I think you are missing the "best friend" part. There was a double betrayal here. This woman claimed to be her friend as well. It may have just been part of the act to get close to her H.

If she wants to place some blame on this woman who not only knew he was M'd, but also was well acquainted with the W - she should do so.

There is nothing worst than finding out that a friend is who your H was messing with, and that your so-called friend was messing with your H. Makes you wish you could pinch yourself and wake up and find that it was only a dream.
Yeah it's a double betrayal, and because this was your so called friend, it is worse.

I understand what you are saying-that this didn't just develop-but that she stalked him and sexually taunted him. Of course people will say she didn't rape him at gunpoint, but it has a much nastier edge in terms of it's intentions and negation of you.

What were the signs of her personality? Was this a friend you welcomed with open arms? Did she do anything that gave you red flags-that made you want to distance from her initially?
Florida is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 17th December 2007, 2:32 PM   #8
Established Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Posts: 10,658
Quote:
Originally Posted by LorettaMermaid View Post
I do know that had this woman not been so intent on making him hers, he never would have left our bed for hers.
Again, I think you assume an awful lot by believing this. It seems your H will be faithful as long as it's easy to do so, the OW not too attractive or provocative, the circumstances not too tempting.

I'm not saying that you shouldn't forgive and work on your marriage. But unless you make your H own his sh*t, your marital "get out of jail free" card could easily come back to haunt you...

Mr. Lucky
Mr. Lucky is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 17th December 2007, 2:48 PM   #9
Established Member
 
Mustang Sally's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Denial Planet
Posts: 1,846
I agree with Mr. Lucky.

Something was broken in your M in the first place that your H even thought about venturing outside of it.

I suppose that it could have been only him that had the brokenness, but more than likely, it has to do with both of you in some way. That's the way I see it, anyway. Once in a relationship such as a marriage, whatever trouble befalls one partner, ultimately also befalls the other.

It certainly does sound like this OW was persistent. But your H could have taken oh-so-many other roads than the one that she was standing smack in the middle of....

Good luck with your reconciliation.
Tough, tough situation.
I feel for you.
Mustang Sally is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 17th December 2007, 2:50 PM   #10
Established Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 813
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mr. Lucky View Post
Again, I think you assume an awful lot by believing this. It seems your H will be faithful as long as it's easy to do so, the OW not too attractive or provocative, the circumstances not too tempting.

I'm not saying that you shouldn't forgive and work on your marriage. But unless you make your H own his sh*t, your marital "get out of jail free" card could easily come back to haunt you...

Mr. Lucky
That is a really good observation, harsh as it may be to hear.
This is why I like and respect LS as a forum, these differing viewpoints-boy that is so true.

Someone else on here once said she hoped her husband gets to stare temptation in the face then say no, as opposed to never having been tempted- because no one wants to be with someone who would cheat except hasn't met the right candidate yet.
Florida is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 17th December 2007, 3:13 PM   #11
Established Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: Close to the Edge
Posts: 8,862
After re-reading the OP, I am not so sure that he is telling the whole truth about how the A got started. Either way its still a double betrayal, but something doesn't equate.

He lied about the A AND left her, but then came back? Why did he leave? Heck, why did he come back?

The age difference keeps me thinking the grass wasn't as green as he seemed to think it was going to be. And that the OW ended up with more than she bargained for (his ready made family, with a potential exW in the equation).

To the OP, please don't take what I am writing negatively. I am just musing "out loud" if you will. I have had to reconcile similar thoughts concerning rebuilding my own M after a betrayal, so I know how you feel. And I know that you don't fully absolve him but are really just considering her part for the moment.

I know it hurts, is confusing, and emotionally draining - but it will get better. You both are working at reconcilliation. It will get better even though its tough.
NoIDidn't is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 17th December 2007, 5:48 PM   #12
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 3,051
Quote:
Originally Posted by Florida View Post
I hear you, lorettam. I find women who deliberately set their sights on a taken guy to be the lowest of the low.
My sentiments exactly!
bish is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 17th December 2007, 5:51 PM   #13
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 3,051
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mr. Lucky View Post
While I admire your devotion, your desire to blame the OW sure seems to give your H a free pass.
I don't think anyone who rails against the OW/OM is giving their spouse a free pass...i think the spouse got "theirs" from the one they betrayed in person.

Its just that the OW/OM shouldn't get off with the old, "it wasn't me that cheated on you" bunk. They aren't innocent of anything either.
bish is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 17th December 2007, 5:53 PM   #14
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 3,051
Quote:
Originally Posted by LorettaMermaid View Post
Thanks for the replies...and I know he made a serious mistake and certainly should not have done what he did. He is doing everything he can to make it up to me and being able to trust him again will be very hard.
I feel for ya Loretta...but honestly, in my view...their isn't a damn thing a cheater can do to make it up to anyone...I mean really...what can a cheater possibly do to make up for sentencing a betrayed spouse to a lifetime of reliving the betrayal in their head? nothing I can think of.
bish is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 18th December 2007, 3:06 PM   #15
New Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 5
It's true once you have been cheating, how can you ever make it up? Can anyone think of a way that can be done? Other than electric shock treatment options, how could you erase the visions in your head of your spouse and the OW or OM? I always felt special knowing that our marriage was strong enough to endure so many things and both of us worked so very hard to not let anything damage the relationship...there are things he could have done instead of go to her. He took the easy way out because whenever I spoke of counseling EVER for us, he always refused. So I guess having sex with AW was going to help? Sure, I get it. I'm entering an anger phase of this journey we are on and revenge has been dangling it's ugly little head in front of me a lot. Before when I thought of what I could do to feel better about all of this, I just pretended she was dead and not worth the breath it would take from me to even speak to her. Some of you are probably thinking I'm directing my anger at the wrong person but you have to remember I was having problems, we were having problems and I was moving away from him more and more; he felt like I didn't care anymore and I do remember the day before he left, his asking me if I thought we could make it and my reply was that I didn't know and maybe all the years we have been together was all that we were going to get. He took that as a sign that we were approaching the end. As would I too had it been coming from him. Of course I did not have the advantage of knowing he was sleeping with someone else or I know my response would have been totally different. And is the fact that he has been with AW make him seem more attractive to me now than he did the day before I found out he was cheating? All I know is that I see him in a totally different light and that every inch of my body begs for him. I just want to slit a little opening in his side to climb into so I can always be by his side; I can't explain why but that is how close to him I want to be. I can't kiss him enough, I can't hug him enough; he's like an addiction now. I don't sleep well, I have no appetite - I think about this man constantly. I feel like I'm a junior in high school and a senior boy I had a crush on has asked me to his prom - it's crazy I know but that is how far gone on him I am. If I had just shown that to him a couple of months before, I wouldn't be sharing in this forum now. I don't know how someone in my position is supposed to be acting right about now. I do know that many women can not get past this and end up divorcing so I do have to ask myself if I am I better off without him or with him and it's split down the middle right now with that vision of the two of them blinding part of my path. Do women who take their men back end up parting anyway later on? Does anyone know the success rate? Of course numbers should not matter at all anyway...we might end up in the less than 1% group and be blissfully happy until we die of old age pushing each other's walkers around. Guess I better find a crystal ball *laugh* Thanks again for all of your replies. Cheers!
LorettaMermaid is offline   Reply With Quote
 

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

 

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Did sex ruin it for us? Grace68 Dating 4 26th November 2006 8:12 PM
Jealousy is going to RUIN MY MARRIAGE! anbush Cheating, Flirting, and Jealousy 34 22nd January 2004 6:34 PM
Questioning my decision to save the marriage and seriously considering divorce scared2d Infidelity 7 20th October 2003 4:27 PM
marriage decision confused_heart In Search Of... 14 23rd April 2003 3:05 PM

 

All times are GMT -4. The time now is 9:12 AM.

Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.


Copyright © 1997-2013 LoveShack.org. All Rights Reserved.