Applying Logic to Something so Illogical

[Crestfallen_KH]

I guess I must like self-torture.

 

Ok, so the divorce should be final in a couple of weeks (I initiated it). I completely accept that it's over, that he's with his married affair partner, they live together and are a full-on couple. Three months in, I am doing very well, focusing on me, healing in healthy ways and in therapy.

 

But I still, STILL keep trying to figure out how anyone could do this.

 

He threw away an almost nine-year relationship for a co-worker he knew only two weeks. He's paid the price financially (they both got fired), emotionally, morally, ethically and socially. He's accepted that I, his best friend, will never, ever be in his life again in any capacity. He's willingly stepped over me, his family, my family, and our friends just to be with this one person - this ONE person out of what, 6 billion?

 

Why would anyone do that? I'm not wondering why he would necessarily leave ME, per se, but why would he deliberately take on that load, and pay such a price?

 

Therein lies the futility of my question. It DOESN'T make sense. And trying to figure it out is a circular argument. I guess the only answer I can come to is that he really believes himself to be in love. But my brain just still keeps trying to process it all. Obviously I know there is something wrong with him and he's not thinking the way I am thinking, but it just seems so OBVIOUS to me.

 

Ok, I'm going to try and stop wasting time figuring this out but dang...it's hard.

[Myfakename]

Unfortunately he probably got bored. 9 years is a long time to be in one relationship. He was high on all the fun brain chemicals you feel when you first fall for someone. And as we all know, junkies dont make the best judgement calls.

 

I wouldnt say theres anything wrong with him per say, its probably more of a long term cooling and separating that both of you barely realised was happening. Kinda like the old cooking a frog metaphore. Put them in a pot of cool water, and slowly turn up the heat. They dont realise whats happening till its too late. Cruel but fitting.

 

No its not your fault either. Its a really hard thing to notice in a relationship. Its death by incriments. And being stuck inside the box you cant see the big picture.

 

Cheatings a very destructive thing. It happens for the stupidest reasons. Usually its a co-worker. Co-workers are the people you tend to be with for the best parts or your waking day. They are also people that you can really intimately get to know, sometimes more intimately then your partner.

 

Also, you can be intimate with them and experience all the fun without all the troubles. Cheaters forget that thier partner is putting up with all thier bull**** and bad habbits. They slowly start to see them as a negative part of their life and low and behold, thier co-worker seems so perfect. They are intimate with them but for some reason there is no negative part to the relationship?! wow imagine that. Oh wait, they dont live with them and put up with thier bull**** day in and day out.

 

Anyways, its better for you in the long run to get out of there. Its a horrible betral to go through, but perhaps you are better off finding out now then anouther 10 years from now.

[cj1988]

I know how you feel......the other post is correct, he is in a new relationship and he thinks he is LOVE, watch and see what happens after the spark dies and they are living together....he will call you and feel badly and remember what he had with you, by then you will have moved on...the only good thing he has done for you us released you from his lies, he loves himself not you and YOU are better off now !

 

Hold your head up and all will be fine !

[schweetpea]

Hmm...I was listening to this show once about when people first fall in love/lust/whatever and it seems the brain produces huge amounts of happy hormones (oxytocin) for a while. Often this causes people to behave/think in irrational ways. Almost like they are on drugs for a time. I believe this is true. After it wears off though they begin to see things clearly.

 

http://www.morganwelt.de/futureframe/9908-oxytocin.htm

[blindsidedagain]

I really like what myfakename posted.

I guess that you are applying logic, to an illogical thing.

Affairs are reprehensible for any reason, there is no reason.

Even if the spouse is physically and mentally abusive, it is still not a reason.

The spouse should terminate the relationship and not cheat.

The funny thing for me is....

My brother suspected his wife was having an affair.

I discussed this with my wife, and asked her never to do that to me as it would crush me...split with me if she intended ever to do that.

Little did I know that she was in the middle of an affair herself.

My little pep talk did not stop it.

I caught her, and she denied it, but I called him and it was verified.

That is how it stopped (well supposedly, who knows).

[T L]

Crestfallen, I too have been trying to work this out over the last couple of months.........

 

Why my W would throw away an eight year relationship(and move back with her parents at 29yrs) six months after our wedding, for a work collegue she has known for a couple of months (who lives with his parents). I will not remain in her life (to her apparent dissapointment) on any level in the future because of the way she ended the relationship.

 

She showed some immature mistrust toward me sometimes(you know..<W angrily>'were you smiling at that store assistant?'), so how she expects to have a trusting relationship with someone she knows is a cheater like she has shown herself to be, I dont know.

 

You cant make any sense out of it, as much as I would like to, Im tired of trying to, as are all my friends, family and probably her family....I need to start thinking about something more positive, Ive wasted enough of my time thinking about it........

[brothermartin]

Hi CREST. I may have an answer to your Q. How old was your husband when he made this decision?

[Crestfallen_KH]

I think there is something to that, Schweetpea. He literally became a man who had never, ever existed before. I keep thinking of that Billy Joel song "We all have a face, that we hide away forever and we take them out and show ourselves when everyone has gone." I guess I never really, truly, at the core knew him as well as I thought I did. And that's scary. The man I knew just simply couldn't do what he did. He said things that made it clear he was completely detached from me and into her. Lord only knows what will happen. Maybe they'll make it work. *shrug*

 

It wasn't a bad marriage. It really wasn't. And that isn't me just deluding myself or refusing to accept the truth. We had a great friendship, a lot of love, good conversations and even a good sex life. I guess he did just get bored and I think his age, relationship history (lack thereof) and relationship with his father factored into it all but ultimately, it was a choice that he made and he alone is responsible for.

 

Brothermartin - he was 31 - just turned 32 a week ago. The first birthday I've ignored in nine years.

[smartgirl]

The heart of your question is, in fact, the heart of the question - you cannot apply logic to an illogical situation. What your H is doing has nothing to do with logic, or love. He has taken a leap into the twilight zone and nothing rational can reach him or affect what he does while he is in this state of mind.

 

People can suddenly develop gambling addictions (happened to an in-law), shopping addictions, eating disorders or enter into affairs (like my H). It usually has to do with a variety of factors that come together at a particular moment in time. Some have been there since they were children, some since they were adults and some are totally current, but all in all they create a perfect storm that rises suddenly and carries the person away on the crest of the wave and then dashes them on rocks.

 

In many ways, they are lost souls. We believe they are totally accountable for their actions and are making conscious choices. They are accountable, but the choices are often not rational and while conscious, stem from a temporarily distorted reality.

 

I'm so sorry for your situation. Your H is likely in a disturbed state that will not last. But he sounds very far gone and I think you are correctly following your instincts in this case by moving on. Don't be surprised if he calls you in a few months and wants to see about getting back together. Whether you consider that or not is your choice, but don't even consider it if he hasn't been in therapy for some period of time.

 

My heart goes out to you and I feel like you are going to be just fine. Don't beat yourself up looking for logical answers to this, because they really don't exist. You need to understand what he did to the point that you can forgive him. Not to be with him again, but so you can let him go and know that this is his personal trial and not something that you caused in anyway.

[mattym]

I think as guys sometimes, we think that by having the A, we're not hurting anyone. After all, our W is still at home, we're just out the house meeting some other 'needs' - it doesn't make sense but then I suppose everyone who does something wrong justifies it so we don't feel like the 'bad guy'

 

I agree with other posters here that he'll regret it

 

Everything I've read says the statistics are definately not in his favour. perhaps at the moment they are united by the 'nasty' wife who wants so much from him still? ( not saying you are, but that may be how he's portraying you to her)

[cj1988]

I was the same way, thought my H could never hurt me the way he has done this year, I was wrong indeed. As my mother told me, you are seeing his true colors now, this is your H, the old one was not or the old one is now gone.

 

I am finally and unfortunately to the point of no return. I have set a date (March 31) and if he has not changed his ways, we are done. I am not upset about it any longer and have made it clear to him I am NOT happy and will leave. I still believes I will not do it and that is sad, BECAUSE I will do it in a heart beat, FOR ME now.....I am better than that and better than this, he will lose, not me this time. I will miss him, hell I do now.....but I miss the OLD me more ! I love myself again and that is all that matters.

 

These cheaters that get to stay and the BS gives them another chance, HAVE NO IDEA how LUCKY they are.....so if given that chance to fix the M they destroyed adn they DONT, too f----- bad. They tend to not realize it UNTIL it is too late.....they are still in the FOG and cannot see it clear. Then WHAM, the BS cannot take it and it is REALLY over and REALLY to late.....all could have been resolved if they would take their head of their a--- or the OTHERS a-- and do the right thing......sad, but real and true !

[schweetpea]

I think there is something to that, Schweetpea. He literally became a man who had never, ever existed before. I keep thinking of that Billy Joel song "We all have a face, that we hide away forever and we take them out and show ourselves when everyone has gone." I guess I never really, truly, at the core knew him as well as I thought I did. And that's scary. The man I knew just simply couldn't do what he did. He said things that made it clear he was completely detached from me and into her. Lord only knows what will happen. Maybe they'll make it work. *shrug*

 

It wasn't a bad marriage. It really wasn't. And that isn't me just deluding myself or refusing to accept the truth. We had a great friendship, a lot of love, good conversations and even a good sex life. I guess he did just get bored and I think his age, relationship history (lack thereof) and relationship with his father factored into it all but ultimately, it was a choice that he made and he alone is responsible for.

 

Brothermartin - he was 31 - just turned 32 a week ago. The first birthday I've ignored in nine years.

 

I am so impressed by your attitude. You really seem like a very levelheaded person and I believe you are going to pull through this and be a better person for it. I'm proud of you! I am sure you are struggling but you will be ok.:)

[Crestfallen_KH]

Thanks for the responses, guys. I'm trying. Really I am.

 

matty, I don't think he's making me out to be nasty - even to her. Our mutual friends have said he hasn't been mean about me at all - that he's knocking himself more. Oh, I'm sure he said negative things about me and the marriage. She kept telling him about her awful marriage and I don't doubt he said some things about ours. I'm sure he said he wasn't happy, that he wanted something different, but "nasty" I've never been, even after we separated. I'm sure they are still united with a "us against the world" and "Well, we better make sure sacking our marriages was worth it!" mentality and I have no doubt they will be together for awhile.

 

That call a few months down the road? Not coming. I know it isn't.

 

It is illogical. It doesn't make sense. It's love...or imaginary love...or...hell, something. It's not something I know or understand and I can't. My brain doesn't work that way.

 

It's just another item on the long list of "Things Crest Just Needs To Accept."

[mattym]

Thanks for the responses, guys. I'm trying. Really I am.

 

matty, I don't think he's making me out to be nasty - even to her. Our mutual friends have said he hasn't been mean about me at all - that he's knocking himself more. Oh, I'm sure he said negative things about me and the marriage. She kept telling him about her awful marriage and I don't doubt he said some things about ours. I'm sure he said he wasn't happy, that he wanted something different, but "nasty" I've never been, even after we separated. I'm sure they are still united with a "us against the world" and "Well, we better make sure sacking our marriages was worth it!" mentality and I have no doubt they will be together for awhile.

 

That call a few months down the road? Not coming. I know it isn't.

 

It is illogical. It doesn't make sense. It's love...or imaginary love...or...hell, something. It's not something I know or understand and I can't. My brain doesn't work that way.

 

It's just another item on the long list of "Things Crest Just Needs To Accept."

 

Sorry, may have been a bad choice of words on my part. What I mean is that he is maybe telling her the marrifge was awful, when infact it wasn't - so that she is now his 'real friend' int he world, and, s you say , it's them against the whole world

 

I know that I used to tell my OW that my marriage was beyond repair, when it wasn't- its a great way to get affection and sympathy, and of course it justifies every wrong action between them