wife/boss(and good friend) cheating

[grasshopperi]

Quick back story, my wife and i have been working through issues for nearly 10 months and we recently (2 weeks ago) got back together and everything has been going great. Our relationship had changed and we are now talking, really talking, about issues and being honest with each other. The honest part is what lead to the issue at hand. I found out last night that my wife cheated on me with her boss on 3 different business trips during this 10 month period. Specifically in the first 8 monts as we had been seperated for a little over a month before getting back together. This boss, and his wife, were also good friends of ours. For about the last month or so we had been seperated and durring this time she figured out that she found herself and realized she wanted to be with me. Our initial problems were not because she was cheating, but rather she started cheating because we were not getting along. During this last year I've asked her if something was going on with her and her boss dozens of times. She said no. Finally she told me that she had a crush on him, but that was it and it was more because he is this charimatic, charming, dynamic guy (who is also by the way 14 years older than her). She and he are both athletes and she is smoking hot and 29 years old. The cheating, she says, happened about 3 monts apart each time and was in a hotel and was kissing only, no sex and not clothes removal. The last time was, as she says, starting to be sexual, but like every time before she stopped it and went to her hotel room. Every time she went to his room, they talked about thier marital issues, she moved to his bed and he made the first move (sort of, the first move was really being in the room and going to his bed). When she finally told me she told me, "we did it once and we just laid there together, no kissing, then she said, once and we did kiss after I questioned her. One of the issue we had been working on was her talking to me honestly. She at this time looked into my eyes and said, I promise, it only happened this once. However, after I thought about it for a few hours I remembered a flaw in the story. This once was in a camper yet she said she went to his bed to watch TV and that she left to go to her room. So, that didn't add up. I confronted her. After a long long pause she said, "it happened twice, but only kissed once." I questioned and it came out that she did kiss him this time too, but that was it. Then she said one other time they slept on the same bed for half the night until she went to her room, but they just talked and they slept on separate sides of the bed. I questioned, turns out they kissed that night too (that was the first time about 9 months ago).

 

So, now I don't know what to do. We finally got to being honest, but while we weren't she broke my trust and then lied about it multiple times in one night (not even counting the dozens of times throughout the 10 months). I told her I have to know I can trust her. She said now that she sees that I am everything that she wants and that she wants to make this work that she and he are nothing. I should note I know he has made out with another one of our friends as well multiple times. They weren't "dating" but they were finding something in each other that at the time she wasn't getting from me (although I wanted to give it to her, she just, at the time, wasn't sure she wanted from me). She says she wants me to trust her and that 1) it won't happen again and 2) if she ever gets in a place where we aren't good (which is why she cheated) then she'll tell me and we can work on that before it gets too far as it did last time. I don't know what to think. I love her. I believe her 90%. I don't think they had sex, but I know it isn't as innocent as she says. I don't even thing it went as far as oral sex or other genital stimulation. When I look at her now, I see them making out. I worry that she can't be honest. She's never cheated on anyone before, in fact she's had multiple ex's cheat on her. Feeling sick, don't know how to react.

[whichwayisup]

I think there's abit more she's not telling you, probably out of fear of your reaction, and not knowing what you will do if the full truth comes out. Most cheaters won't tell all right away, it seems to come out in bits and pieces.

 

She needs individual counselling, obviously there's some insecurity issues going on - Hence her relying on another man when your marriage was on shakey ground. She also needs to be an open book for you, prove (not only in words, but in actions as well) that she is worthy of a second chance. Time will tell.

 

Another thing to think about, and discuss with her is, getting a new job. She needs to be in complete no contact with him.

[grasshopperi]

she offered to change jobs and even changes towns if I wanted to (I travel and can work from anywhere and make enough to support us easily). I don't want to tell her she has to quit her job. It's sad because she is good at it and it is a company that is finally starting to do well. She loves the work.

 

I just don't know if there is more. I can't tell. All of the lies came out in about a 2 hour discussion. We talked for about four more and I kept asking, are you sure that is it? And told her that we'll have to face it sometime let's just do it if there is more. Since the boss is a "friend" of mine as well I asked her to not contact him and let me tell him I know. She agreed and I believe that she will because she saw how important that was for me. I'm curious to hear his side of the story. Not sure how to talk to him about this, but I'll figure that out. I figure if there was more I'll get a different story from him as I know him and I think he probably thinks he got away with it. Yuck.

[whichwayisup]

I don't want to tell her she has to quit her job. It's sad because she is good at it and it is a company that is finally starting to do well. She loves the work.

 

Tough crap! That is her problem! Sorry, but part of the consquences of her actions is the fallout of her 'affair' - And, if that means quitting her job so YOU can feel more secure in the marriage and for her to be away from her boss, so be it. Take her up on that offer, to quit her job. If she's so good at it, she can find another job easily.

 

All of the lies came out in about a 2 hour discussion.

 

I doubt very much during that 2 hour discussion 'everything' came out.

 

Fact is, this guy is her boss and he could very easily turn around and find a reason to fire your wife. Another consquence here........

[grasshopperi]

Good points all.

Thanks.

[whichwayisup]

So, what's in your head right now about her boss? Do you have anything planned out on what to say to him? Are you going to confront him with everything or just tell him to stay the F away from your wife?

 

I just hope you take time to think things through, and if you get the urge to pop him one in the face, just count to ten and do some deep breathing.

 

Oh yeah, this man is NO friend of yours! Keep that in mind. And, don't have any expectations of him seeing as he has NO respect for you, or your marriage..

[Bryanp]

I am sorry this has happened to you. You can bet your life there is more. This is very typical of cheating spouses. It is called the drip method. They tell you little by little and only if they are forced. Let's be serious here. Do you honestly believe after kissing hot and heavy that they they would sleep in the same bed half the night in a hotel room and nothing happened? I think you would have to be in major denial to believe this.

 

How can this boss be a friend of yours? What friend would do this? I would most certainly contact his wife. By not saying anything to his wife, you are sending a message to this guy that there are no consequences to his actions and he can try to start up the affair at a later date or at least keep trying because you will not say anything to anybody.

If the roles were reversed wouldn't you expect his wife to inform you?

 

The bottom line is that you are trying to recover and need complete honesty from your wife to begin a new phase of your relationship. Unfortunately she is in all probability lying big time to you. I am sorry but people do not spend half the night in bed in a hotel room and just look at the ceiling and I think you know this also.

[grasshopperi]

I don't know what to say for sure. He is no friend and I now know why he has been avoiding me for the last few months...

 

I'm not a sock him one kind of guy. Doesn't help. I think I might just tell him I know about he and my wife (give no real details) and see what he says. He's a smooth talker type and can't keep his mouth shut. He'll talk, and I'm curious to see how the stories match.

 

I feel for his wife who is also a friend of mine (not really close, but socially in the same crowd). She's said before that she won't blame him (so free pass to cheat which he does) but would blame the girl. Both are to blame.

[Mr. Lucky]

I am sorry but people do not spend half the night in bed in a hotel room and just look at the ceiling and I think you know this also.

This is where the "fog of the affair" can extend to the betrayed spouse also. The cheater has you on a hook because they know you want desperately to believe. If "people do not spend half the night in bed in a hotel room and just look at the ceiling", how likely are they to spend half of three nights? And those are just the nights you know about !

 

Your struggle is not with her, trying to decide whether or not to believe her. It's with yourself, knowing in your heart the truth, trying to decide what to do. Hope it works out for you...

 

Mr. Lucky

[bestadvisor]

I'm sure she will communicate with him to make sure his story matches hers.

 

Ask him or/and her this question: "I know you guys had sex, I just need to know how many times" and there answer could be "only once" or something in that nature.

 

It's just not believable that they kissed in a hotel room with no one else and did not go further, especially when it happened more than once.

[Darth Vader]

I'm sure she will communicate with him to make sure his story matches hers.

 

Ask him or/and her this question: "I know you guys had sex, I just need to know how many times" and there answer could be "only once" or something in that nature.

 

It's just not believable that they kissed in a hotel room with no one else and did not go further, especially when it happened more than once.

 

 

Agreed, you know they had sex, just by the sounds of her actions. So it would do no good to tell his wife what he's been doing with your wife? I hope you two don't have children, if you don't, I'd bail (Divorce)if I were you! This is just the tip of the iceberg that she's been telling you, it's called damage control!

[abeliever]

Grasshopper Man--I was reading your post and I was like ooh ooh ooh I can tell him very easily- by the way you described the story. HEY---SHE IS NOT TELLING YOU THE TRUTH!!!! Ask around!

(I need to write a book on this)

 

After my H first affair he too said he wanted to "come clean" and "work" things out. Dummy me I fell for it. Like you I "needed" him to come clean so I could deal with it all and work on it together and just get over it. But read the thread "Why don't they just come clean-they lie to your face" something like that I am so peaved for you right now and I am typing so fast I cannot think! Its pure hell.

 

So, do I have advice yes and no. Look It gets worse from here. Strap on your boots my man the $hit gets deeper as you discover the truth. You are still digging for it, right? If YOU want the truth then you have to go and find it. Don't rely on her to tell you. Read the responses they ALL lied to their W/H when confronted. If YOU figure out why she lied share it with us all because non of us know and are DYING to know! Although we have our ideas of "the truth" non of us got it. Sad to say.

 

Get ready for a bumpy ride, get your emotions out of it. Do what you can to find it all out if you plan to work it out. You don't want to be like me and 2 1/2 yrs later finding out MORE TRUTH still and in the middle of a divorce. Wish I would have left back then. Maybe I would have been happy by now.

 

Best of Luck.

Here for you if you need it.

abeliever

[Cobra_X30]

I'm not a sock him one kind of guy. Doesn't help. I think I might just tell him I know about he and my wife (give no real details) and see what he says. He's a smooth talker type and can't keep his mouth shut. He'll talk, and I'm curious to see how the stories match.

 

First thats good! Ask him if they used a condom. See what he says! Dont let him ask questions, try to talk to him in person!

 

Oh, and Check through her email and cell phone for extra info. Fact is she is not telling the truth about something.

[rockerdude]

Dude, she is sooo lying to you!

She tore off his clothes and couldn't wait for him to f_ _ _ her, They kissed the tongues out french all over thing and she couldn't wait to give him a B.J. just to let him know how special he was...sorry to be so frank about it but her story is utter B.S...!!!

 

How do I know? I fell for the same B.S. twice only to find out later she loved every minute of it, "that" is the thrill, the excitment, the forbidden thing she desires and what makes most of them do it!

 

I understand how you feel and I am laying it out there for you because noone did this for me. Now 18 years later she did it again but worse!

 

She is NOT the person you think she is and she is just seeing how you react. She also cannot even "say it" ..she can't hear it with her own ears cause she knows just how bad it was.

Believe me when I say she laughed somewhere along the way, while thinking of you and what she was getting over you with all of this.

It is a power trip for them. They feed on it...ok I digress.

Let the rock throwing begin...I have my shield up...lol!

 

Seriously. Move -on, do it quick and realize that if you do not...and you try to say like so many of us did, that "she" is different & special....remember..no she isn't!

 

Trust...all of us..a person doesn't take off all of their clothes and ask a man to put it in unless she desires it ..big time!

 

Oh yeah, I was suppose to digress right? Ok..hope this bit of real truth helps.

Just go, get some good friends and some time "apart" and you will then be able to see it for what it really has been!

 

And go kick his ass will ya...damn!

[grasshopperi]

I know that most everyone in this forum will think the worst. It's why we come here really. We expect the worst, the worst has happened and we don't know where to turn. That was me.

 

I've spend days thinking and talking. I never left. I tried, she stopped me. She lied. No doubt, we know that. But there are times when you see something in people and people do change. You'll all think I'm a sucker, but you don't know me and you don't know her. I love her. After she cheated and before I knew about it we separated. My idea because I knew something was wrong. In that time, she asked to have me back. I came back and then she told me. It took her awhile to get it out, but it came out. I don't think she had sex. I know her and the reason we had problems for so long was because she was hiding something from me. For the first time in a long time I can feel that something is different. Before she cheated, we weren't good. It is now. I told her that this has been the week for highest highs and lowest lows. I see the person she wants to be and the person she is trying to be. That is the person I feel in love with years ago. I'm staying. She's staying and she said for the first time, maybe ever she KNOWS, not just thinks, that this is what she is supposed to be doing. She had always identified herself with the man she was with. She had to deal with that and did. I don't approve of the way she went about finding herself, but the result is I'm seeing and laying with the woman I've always wanted.

 

Trash me if you will. I probably won't be back to read it. I'm happy. Hurt from time to time when I think about it, but the closeness I've felt in the last few days and the conversations we've had has been what I knew she could be and I can't say enough about how I've grown and through about my own self and how she has grown. Will it still come up? Yes. But now we have the tools to deal with it. It happened, but here we are.

 

As for her boss. I haven't yet talked to him. I will because he was at one time a "friend." She said she would leave her job if I wanted her to. I said that she had to make that decision. She is leaving her job. We're moving away (I can work from anywhere so it doesn't matter) to get away from a situation where we go out and drink and party with 30something friends everynight like we were in college. We've decided to grow up. We sick of what we've been and where we've been.

 

Bottom line. I love her and I believe her when she says she loves me. She made mistakes. I've made mistakes. It just so happens that hers were physical and mine were not.

 

Good luck to you all and thank you for your advise and support. I did enjoy reading the post, and I enjoyed even more being able to express my feelings. However, I don't need a forum for that anymore, for the first time in my 5 years of marriage my wife is fulfilling that need.

[Mr. Lucky]

Good luck to you all and thank you for your advise and support. I did enjoy reading the post, and I enjoyed even more being able to express my feelings. However, I don't need a forum for that anymore, for the first time in my 5 years of marriage my wife is fulfilling that need.

Don't speak for anyone but myself, but I simply wish you happiness and good luck. Check back every once in a while and let us know how it's going. Always nice to hear happy endings...

 

Mr. Lucky

[MrsHellnoFire]

I don't think they had sex

 

You need to get it together upstairs and face the reality of the situation.

 

Don't tell me you buy the garbage that she jumped into his bed and they only lied together?? And this was several different occasions and nothing happened? I know it's HARD, but the quicker you face reality and the truth, the better! You can't make solid decisions standing in a haze.

[Bryanp]

There is nobody as blind as someone who doesn't wish to see. Good luck but you are in total denial.

[Faith4u]

Why is soooooooooo important for you to know if they went the whole way with sex or half way or I don<t know what... why? what does it change to the situation of you being married to her?

I am asking these questions because bottom line you love her and you are willing to fogive her.

You are right about feeling sick about the situation but stop imagining what could have happened or what might have happened, it is not going to help you deal with her because you love her. Some things are better left alone.

 

She already told you a lot and I think as a woman that chances are very high that she ended up having sex with him. I mean, she desires the guy, and he has been around a lot when she had problems with you, and they were in the same hotel...

 

You asked for the truth and she told you all she had or all she could, if you did not want to handle the truth you should not have asked.

 

You said you love her and she loves you, let go of the details of what happened and think: If they really had sex, and she loved it with the other huy, why isn't she with him? why is hse with me? and I am sure that when you guys talked she told you ehy she wants to be with you and your focus should be away from the juicy details that are nothing but painful to both if you. Seriously, do you want her to start giving you details on what happened in bed?

 

Make sure she loves you and it is good that she is willing to changes jobs and work things out with you. Sometimes we learn the HARD way.

 

Good luck.

I wouldn't.

 

Quick back story, my wife and i have been working through issues for nearly 10 months and we recently (2 weeks ago) got back together and everything has been going great. Our relationship had changed and we are now talking, really talking, about issues and being honest with each other. The honest part is what lead to the issue at hand. I found out last night that my wife cheated on me with her boss on 3 different business trips during this 10 month period. Specifically in the first 8 monts as we had been seperated for a little over a month before getting back together. This boss, and his wife, were also good friends of ours. For about the last month or so we had been seperated and durring this time she figured out that she found herself and realized she wanted to be with me. Our initial problems were not because she was cheating, but rather she started cheating because we were not getting along. During this last year I've asked her if something was going on with her and her boss dozens of times. She said no. Finally she told me that she had a crush on him, but that was it and it was more because he is this charimatic, charming, dynamic guy (who is also by the way 14 years older than her). She and he are both athletes and she is smoking hot and 29 years old. The cheating, she says, happened about 3 monts apart each time and was in a hotel and was kissing only, no sex and not clothes removal. The last time was, as she says, starting to be sexual, but like every time before she stopped it and went to her hotel room. Every time she went to his room, they talked about thier marital issues, she moved to his bed and he made the first move (sort of, the first move was really being in the room and going to his bed). When she finally told me she told me, "we did it once and we just laid there together, no kissing, then she said, once and we did kiss after I questioned her. One of the issue we had been working on was her talking to me honestly. She at this time looked into my eyes and said, I promise, it only happened this once. However, after I thought about it for a few hours I remembered a flaw in the story. This once was in a camper yet she said she went to his bed to watch TV and that she left to go to her room. So, that didn't add up. I confronted her. After a long long pause she said, "it happened twice, but only kissed once." I questioned and it came out that she did kiss him this time too, but that was it. Then she said one other time they slept on the same bed for half the night until she went to her room, but they just talked and they slept on separate sides of the bed. I questioned, turns out they kissed that night too (that was the first time about 9 months ago).

 

So, now I don't know what to do. We finally got to being honest, but while we weren't she broke my trust and then lied about it multiple times in one night (not even counting the dozens of times throughout the 10 months). I told her I have to know I can trust her. She said now that she sees that I am everything that she wants and that she wants to make this work that she and he are nothing. I should note I know he has made out with another one of our friends as well multiple times. They weren't "dating" but they were finding something in each other that at the time she wasn't getting from me (although I wanted to give it to her, she just, at the time, wasn't sure she wanted from me). She says she wants me to trust her and that 1) it won't happen again and 2) if she ever gets in a place where we aren't good (which is why she cheated) then she'll tell me and we can work on that before it gets too far as it did last time. I don't know what to think. I love her. I believe her 90%. I don't think they had sex, but I know it isn't as innocent as she says. I don't even thing it went as far as oral sex or other genital stimulation. When I look at her now, I see them making out. I worry that she can't be honest. She's never cheated on anyone before, in fact she's had multiple ex's cheat on her. Feeling sick, don't know how to react.