True Starter Wife...I left after found out about OW...but now H making me pay

[sillygirl32]

[COLOR=black]I am a true starter wife….[/COLOR]

 

[COLOR=black]This is my first time posting on any site. I have read many stories, but would like to know if others have gotten through a situation similar to mine or even just to get other opinions. Here is a brief version of my story.....[/COLOR]

 

[COLOR=black]H and I have known each other 14 years, officially 'a couple' for 11 years and married for 7 of the years. We met in college and shared many mutual friends. (Something you should know is that some of our mutual friends, both guys and girls, thought H was sort of a selfish person). I should mentioned that my mother-in-law and I never really got along – she never really approved of me, not sure exactly why because it seems as though every other mother of men that I dated thought I was a great catch. It seemed as though his family had a lot of issues, but whose family doesn’t??? [/COLOR]

 

[COLOR=black]The first few years of marriage were fine. We had an average sex life (2x a week), hung out together a lot, some communication issues, H had some spending issues, I had some insecurity issues, but overall things seemed pretty normal. H liked his ‘guy’ time 2-3 times a week, so I threw myself into my career during his late nights out without me (I moved to his hometown so I didn’t know many people at first, but after the first full year of marriage and a new job, I met many new friends to hang out with as well). We had, what I would consider, the normal ups and downs of marriage….I thought that we would work hard for a couple of years to get us where we want to be and then life would be full of bliss from then on…..needless to say that H and I didn’t see it the same way – otherwise, I wouldn’t be here posting my story.[/COLOR]

 

[COLOR=black]Here’s where things get weird: About 3 years ago, H got a prestigious job offer at a great firm. The firm was mostly men in their mid-30s through mid-40s and they were white-collar party people with lots of money burning in their pockets. Most of these guys lived well beyond their means and spent many late nights living it up as if they were still in college. During this time, I was blessed with great news that we were expecting (we had had a miscarriage 2 years prior, which we both were devastated). H was excited until our first ultrasound. After that, H became distant, stayed out late at night with ‘client meetings’, started spending more time at the office and then started turning off his cell phone so I couldn’t reach him. I confronted him several times and finally he said that he thought he was going through a mid-life crisis (he was only turning 30!!!). I gave him some space and the benefit of the doubt throughout my pregnancy. Although it was an extremely lonely and heart-wrenching experience to have to be pregnant with your H’s child and for him to live most of the time as though he was living without you or even the acknowledgement that I was around at times. At other times, H was loving and caring and very supportive. I questioned whether H was bi-polar or in depression caused by the pregnancy. I was told by a counselor that sometimes husbands are not able to handle their wife being pregnant. After the birth of our first beautiful child, things seemed to get back to normal for a few months. But, about 5 months later, H started to go out more and more each week not returning home until very late and then that is when I would wake up at night to find him watching porn on the internet. I confronted him to see what was going on and wanted to know exactly what type of life he wanted to lead. H cleaned up for awhile and things were good on the surface, but then 3 months later, I accidentally stumbled upon a ‘secret’ email account that led to H’s profile on a casual sex/dating website. I confronted H and he lied until I showed him his profile on the computer. H had no excuse, but begged me to forgive him and said that he would go to marriage counseling. We went to MC for two months. Things seemed as though they were getting better. I read so many self-help books on communication and wanted to stay together. H was pressuring me to have another child, but I told him that until I was comfortable in our relationship I wouldn’t try again. A couple odd text messages and phone calls would occasionally ‘pop’ up now and again, but overall, I thought that we were happy. H was not home a lot, but I chalked it up to H working on his career to better our family. 8 months later, we started trying to have a second child. I got pregnant a month later and was so excited. H seemed really excited too, at first. After our first ultrasound, H became distant again and started criticizing me almost daily about everything. I felt as though I was walking on eggshells all of the time. Two weeks later, he came and told me that he thought he was going through another mid-life crisis (he was only 33!!!!) and didn’t know how he felt about anything in his life – including me, but that he swore that their was not another woman involved. He didn’t want to move out or anything, he just asked me to give him some time while he figured things out. I was devastated, but I was not going cry myself through another pregnancy, especially since we also had a 2-year old to think about. So, a month later, after H was barely home at night and on weekends, I hired a PI. The first night out, the PI caught H at a local bar with his secretary (the OW). I confronted H, he denied it and called me crazy insane until I presented him with evidence and then H looked like he was going to throw-up. OW is 9 years younger than H, was hired 3 months prior as his secretary, still works for him, and she is married with no children. H has had NO remorse and wouldn’t talk to me about A or OW, wouldn’t give up OW, was extremely critical of me, blamed me for everything including making his life completely miserable throughout our entire marriage, so I had a choice – either continue to live in this horrible situation or file for divorce. I felt that I had no other choice for myself and my children but to file for divorce.[/COLOR]

 

[COLOR=black]From H’s past actions and behavior, I was sure that H wanted out of the responsibility of being a husband and father. He was never around for any of us and, come to find out, that H was having an A during the time that we were trying and did conceive our second child. So, it is now 7 months later, I have given birth to our second beautiful child, which is only a month old now. H has made my life a living hell. He has cut me off financially, is fighting me for custody of our 2 children (the ones that he wasn’t around to help raise), and fighting hard not to have to pay me any child support or alimony and he has said that he is going to have a future with OW and our 2 children. We are currently going through child custody evaluations and he has been around more now than when we were married! Even though I am still grieving for the H that I lost and the marriage that I dreamed of, I am not going to give into this man and his narcissistic ways…. I have gotten myself into therapy, some great support groups, and am focusing on things day to day.[/COLOR]

 

[COLOR=black]Has anyone been through a similar situation and if so, what was the outcome and how are things now? [/COLOR]

[Cobra_X30]

That guy is a prick! Believe me... there are guys out there who are a million times better! I'm so sorry you had to go through this and get your heart broken. I hope he loses everything in the divorce. You have proof of an affair... so that will help!

 

Tell the OW's Husband and see what happens!

[JustBreathe]

Sorry, I have not been in your situation but have read stories from people who married narcissists. Bad bad stories. All I can say is be glad he's gone and he is the OW's problem now. You will be free of him eventually so try to hold your head up high. He will not be the irritating wart on your behind forever. He can't just take your kids away because he wants to. He has to have good grounds to do so. He probably only wants them to avoid support payments, the creep.

 

Hug your babies tight and remember they will always know who they can really depend on and who honestly loves and cares for them. They always know that. Doesn't matter how old they get. He will NEVER be able to take that away from you.

[sillygirl32]

Thanks so much for the support. I can already tell that it is going to be a long hard road ahead for me and my children. H just moved out 6 weeks ago. He had still been living in our house my entire pregnancy while also continuing the A with the OW and not being very discrete about it. H would leave for weekends and stay out all night while I was in our house with our 2 year old. I have been doing so much better since H is finally out of the house.

 

As for telling the OW's husband, I actually broke down during my 9-month of pregnancy and called him (I am not proud of it, but I was so emotional at that time). He said that he found my H and his W in bed together a couple of months ago and that his W said she would break it off with my H. I told him where to find them together that day and he said that he was going to end it with his W. Her H also said that he was her manager at her previous job and that his W and him had only been married for a few months before she started the A with my H., who is her new boss. It has been 3 months now, my STBXH nows says that he is going to have a future with OW and that she had ended it with her H.

 

I am hanging in there.....taking everything one day at a time. Thanks for listening.

[Cobra_X30]

Watch his relationship with OW is going to crash and burn... probably within the next few years!

 

You on the other hand have a bright future ahead! Lots of guys would really appreciate a woman like you.

 

It will be worth your time and money to get an absolute ballbuster divorce lawyer! You need to get the house, and a minimum 60% of his paychecks. Trust me this isnt to punish him so much as to provide for you and your children.

 

He is a loser... let him go!