I am shocked

[shatteredbrokenheart]

I had no idea there were so many people going through the same situation I've been going through for the last 2 years.

 

My husband has also been a 'victim' of an unwanted pregnancy with 'the other woman'. We were on the outs and he had a one night stand.

I had no clue this woman was in love with my husband. Although now, I see it of course..

The way her mind worked was, 'if he gets me pregnant, he will want to be with me.' HA! How wrong she was. And once she realized she was wrong she started making life a living hell.

 

I begged her to get an abortion. In most circumstances I am very against abortion. But in this case... I was ready to take her and PAY for it. She refused.

 

Okay, so now we have an innocent baby in the picture. I am still with my husband, but only by a thread. I feel that the contact between him and her should only be limited to drop off/ pick up the child and discuss anything that has to do with the child. Yet she still insists they be buddy buddy. Wants to borrow his tools, or whatever... and have little chit chats about me as if she really gives a rats azz. Which, in turn... makes my blood boil.

 

I could just beat the crap out of her... it would make me feel better, but what would it prove? Trust me though, I've had some horrific thoughts of what I would love to get away with.

 

I want my marriage to work. I love my husband more than anything in the world. But she seems to always wedge her way in between us somehow. I could kill her. We'll make plans as a famliy (myself, my husband and our son), and she'll find out about it and devise some plan to mess it up. 9 times out of 10 we've had to cancel "OUR" family time because HER son needs something, and he needs it NOW.

 

He is paying $870.00 a month for child support, which I think is absolutely outragous, yet she is trying to get more. AND she is demanding that he pay her $10,000 attorney's fees. Yet she is the one who took the liberty of hiring a lawyer even AFTER he and her made a verbal agreement on payment and care of this child.

 

I could scream!!! I have never had so much hate for someone. What does one do in this situation?

 

He won't just abandon the child... and I wouldn't expect him to. It's not that baby's fault his mother is a homewrecker. But the monthly payments, plus OUR attorney fees alone are drowning us.

 

Is there any law ANYWHERE that states a witch like that be prosicuted somehow? I mean this isn't right.

She tried to trap him. And she used this baby to do it.

 

The saddest part? He, nor her, can hardly stand to be around this little guy for more than a couple hours. When he is with either of them it is during the night while he sleeps, or in the evening just before he sleeps, and in the mornings just before he goes to day care. NOW HOW SAD IS THAT!!!!????

[DarlingDoll]

I had no idea there were so many people going through the same situation I've been going through for the last 2 years.

 

My husband has also been a 'victim' of an unwanted pregnancy with 'the other woman'. We were on the outs and he had a one night stand.

I had no clue this woman was in love with my husband. Although now, I see it of course..

The way her mind worked was, 'if he gets me pregnant, he will want to be with me.' HA! How wrong she was. And once she realized she was wrong she started making life a living hell.

 

I begged her to get an abortion. In most circumstances I am very against abortion. But in this case... I was ready to take her and PAY for it. She refused.

 

Okay, so now we have an innocent baby in the picture. I am still with my husband, but only by a thread. I feel that the contact between him and her should only be limited to drop off/ pick up the child and discuss anything that has to do with the child. Yet she still insists they be buddy buddy. Wants to borrow his tools, or whatever... and have little chit chats about me as if she really gives a rats azz. Which, in turn... makes my blood boil.

 

I could just beat the crap out of her... it would make me feel better, but what would it prove? Trust me though, I've had some horrific thoughts of what I would love to get away with.

 

I want my marriage to work. I love my husband more than anything in the world. But she seems to always wedge her way in between us somehow. I could kill her. We'll make plans as a famliy (myself, my husband and our son), and she'll find out about it and devise some plan to mess it up. 9 times out of 10 we've had to cancel "OUR" family time because HER son needs something, and he needs it NOW.

 

He is paying $870.00 a month for child support, which I think is absolutely outragous, yet she is trying to get more. AND she is demanding that he pay her $10,000 attorney's fees. Yet she is the one who took the liberty of hiring a lawyer even AFTER he and her made a verbal agreement on payment and care of this child.

 

I could scream!!! I have never had so much hate for someone. What does one do in this situation?

 

He won't just abandon the child... and I wouldn't expect him to. It's not that baby's fault his mother is a homewrecker. But the monthly payments, plus OUR attorney fees alone are drowning us.

 

Is there any law ANYWHERE that states a witch like that be prosicuted somehow? I mean this isn't right.

She tried to trap him. And she used this baby to do it.

 

The saddest part? He, nor her, can hardly stand to be around this little guy for more than a couple hours. When he is with either of them it is during the night while he sleeps, or in the evening just before he sleeps, and in the mornings just before he goes to day care. NOW HOW SAD IS THAT!!!!????

 

 

Small correction: YOUR HUBBY IS a homewrecker.

Place the anger where it belongs.

You weren't fulfilling his needs and he sought elsewhere. Maybe it's time you live up to YOUR hand in all of this as well.

$870 a month? Is that all you are squawking about?

Small price to pay for bringing a child into this world.

My mm im sure would have to pay a lot more than that and his young wife is a sad case as well.

[Tomcat33]

I'm curious to know what does your H have to say in all of this?

 

Wow what a horrible situation. Not sure how you can forgive to be with him?

[OWoman]

My husband has also been a 'victim' of an unwanted pregnancy with 'the other woman'.

 

Unless she drugged him and raped him, he was not a victim but an active participant. And unless he'd had a vasectomy, he wast trusting contraception that is infallible - taking a knowing chance he could be spawning a child. That's a decision HE made, a chance HE took, willingly and knowingly. How that makes HIM a victim in your mind, you'd need to consider, perhaps in counselling.

 

I begged her to get an abortion. In most circumstances I am very against abortion. But in this case... I was ready to take her and PAY for it. She refused.

 

I'm sure you were. I don't blame her for refusing. I'm sure you'd resent it if she, or any other woman, had walked up to you in the street when you were pregnant and begged you to get an abortion, whatever their motivation. It wasn't your call to make. It was hers.

 

I could just beat the crap out of her... it would make me feel better, but what would it prove? Trust me though, I've had some horrific thoughts of what I would love to get away with.

 

You could. And land up in jail, your children cared for by your husband and possibly this woman, or any other woman he chose to be the new parent to the abandoned children.

 

You need counselling. Harbouring violent fantasies towards some random woman who shared a night of passion with your husband in a sustained enough way to post them on a forum like this shows you're still feeling the trauma acutely. Please seek professional help before you do something you regret.

 

 

I could scream!!! I have never had so much hate for someone. What does one do in this situation?

 

Get counselling.

[IWALH]

Hmmm... wow.

 

You are in the wrong forum, lady.

 

My guess is you aren't telling the complete truth about the entire situation. I wonder what things my xmm's wife makes up and spreads to her friends and family about me now!!! Geesh!!! I bet she is happy as a clam that I don't go anywhere NEAR either of them now. I don't go after their money, their time, nada. I am d-o-n-e with them. I should have never started talking to them in the first place. But he kept sending me random stupid messages and then SHE started with some messages before my daughter was born saying how they wanted to be a part of her life, blah blah blah. Oh, and they sent me a whole $100 dollar gift card when my daughter was a few months old!!!

 

Anyway, by the way your life sounds, I am sure that me not having a thing to do with them is a very good thing for both me AND them!!!

 

Good luck!

[KATANYA]

My husband has also been a 'victim' of an unwanted pregnancy with 'the other woman'. We were on the outs and he had a one night stand.

 

With all due respect, your husband was an equal partner in an affair........and it probably went on longer than one night (just my guess........given that that the OW knew enough about him to track him down, ask for support and he is willing to be an active part of her and the child's life!......a one night stand usually doesn't equate in either parties mind as a long term plan for commitment) I find it amazing that you are this understanding of his infidelity to you and can pass it off by saying you were "on the outs".......Does that mean every time you fight you think it would be normal or OK for him to go find and outlet for his sexual needs???How many kids does he have out there I wonder??? God knows we all fight and you condon his actions by saying you were on the "outs"....That's VERY understanding of you and I bet many MM and several OW wish they were in this situation!

 

 

I had no clue this woman was in love with my husband. Although now, I see it of course..

 

Again, a statement that hardly supports the theory this was a "one night stand"......

 

 

The way her mind worked was, 'if he gets me pregnant, he will want to be with me.' HA! How wrong she was. And once she realized she was wrong she started making life a living hell.

How do you know "how her minds worked"? Is this what she told you or what HE told you? You do realize that you cannot trust one thing your H tells you about the relationship he had/has with this woman don't you?! Especially since the relationship is still going on (at least in some context whereby he is with her and the child alone and you don't know any better what happens in her home than she knows what happens in yours).....Is it possible that your H is telling you what you need to hear to support his "claim" that he wants nothing further to do with the OW, etc. etc. etc. and that she is being told he is only staying with you for your child, etc. etc. etc. and meanwhile the H/MM is getting both his worlds (his W and his OW as well.... plus both families????)

 

Yet she still insists they be buddy buddy. Wants to borrow his tools, or whatever... and have little chit chats about me as if she really gives a rats azz

 

Again, you talk about OW as if your husband is kicking and screaming to get away from her but she has control to make him be "buddy buddy" and that "borrowing his tools" and "having little chit chats" are things that only she wants......think about your husband for one minute...is anyone "forcing" him to be her buddy? Does she hold the infant ransom is she doesn't get the power drill? Does he feel 'obligated' to update her on your day in order to get the visitation.........I doubt it and so should you!!!!!

 

He won't just abandon the child... and I wouldn't expect him to. It's not that baby's fault his mother is a homewrecker. But the monthly payments, plus OUR attorney fees alone are drowning us

 

The baby's mother is not the only homewrecker here.......your H decided he wanted to be with her and he had the A with her AND he was married.........so now he got caught and, lucky him, you have decided to support him in his error, help pay the costs of his mistake and let him have the freedom to continue his relationship with the OW and their child....all the while convincing you that he doesn't want anything to do with her and (from the sounds of things) the baby....This road, as you should know, is going to be a LONG one. The child is only an infant and is going to need a lot and have more commitments as it gets older...Dr. Appts, school events, etc. etc. etc. What about vacations and the like? Are you going to welcome the child to go with you and your family or are you going to be ' understanding' when he needs to take them away for a week?????

 

I don't mean to sound critical and maybe you have posted on the wrong forum...but what I can tell you is that your husband is not an innocent victim and you have to realize that the OW (regardless of the fact that she did sleep with YOUR H and she did have a child by him) is not the only person to blame here. You talk about how you want to hurt her but keep referring to your H as the victim and with pity and almost reverance that he won't abandon his child.....HELLO!!!!! Your H is just as guilty and, in some ways, in more deep because he not only had the A but I will bet EVERYTHING that he has lied to you completely about the A, how long it went on, and what his emotional investment is to the OW and the child!

 

I am not saying end your M because some people can make it work (as we read many times here) but you need to have the whole truth and you need to focus the blame and hurt where it belongs......for starters. Then you need to decide IF you can still be married to this man knowing you will ALWAYS have the OW and the child in your life, in your face and in your pocketbook! Then you need to decide how the support issues will work....personally, even though you are married there are some things that should never be combined in terms of financial obligation - he did the deed, he has another child, he needs to shoulder that burden. Finally, you need to get counselling yourself and probably together with him because a) the truth needs to come out about the relationship b) You need to have an outlet for your anger and re-direct your anger where it belongs 3) You have your own child to worry about and none of this can be healthy right now for him and God knows it must be VERY confusing depending on his age!!!!

[frannie]

 

My husband has also been a 'victim' of an unwanted pregnancy with 'the other woman'. We were on the outs and he had a one night stand. ...

 

I am still with my husband, but only by a thread. I feel that the contact between him and her should only be limited to drop off/ pick up the child and discuss anything that has to do with the child. Yet she still insists they be buddy buddy. Wants to borrow his tools, or whatever... and have little chit chats about me as if she really gives a rats azz. Which, in turn... makes my blood boil.

 

...

 

I want my marriage to work. I love my husband more than anything in the world. But she...

 

He won't just abandon the child... and I wouldn't expect him to. It's not that baby's fault his mother is a homewrecker. But the monthly payments, plus OUR attorney fees alone are drowning us...

 

Your husband was the victim..? What did she do steal his sperm..?

 

Your husband got another woman pregnant, and because of that you're suffering financially and emotionally. What do you do..?

 

I think you need to point the finger at the right person, which is your husband. He chose to sleep around, got someone pregnant and now he HAS to money up. There's no way of getting around that as it's his responsibility.

 

The only thing I'd say is that if you want them to only have contact at switch-over, or want to insist they have no contact at all and the hand over is on neutral ground then you must insist on that. With him. Not her. You can have no control over her.

 

But since you say you two were almost split up when this happened in the first place, and you're still hanging on by a thread, I think there's far more to be concentrated on than this baby or this one night stand woman (was it just a ONS?). Like how are you going to fix this broken relationship between you two? I think that focusing on the OW is really just a distraction.

[Ladyjane14]

If it were me, my husband impregnating another woman would make continuance of the marriage impossible, but that's me, not you.

 

So, if you've decided to stay in this thing, I do think marriage counseling would be beneficial. In most marriages, these are deal-breaking issues you've been facing.... infidelity, financial liability, and extreme complications to setting up boundaries. If you haven't had MC before and don't know where to start, call your health insurance company and see if you have benefits available through your plan.

 

I would also see an attorney. Find out what your options are. Most attorneys offer low cost or no cost initial consultations. It might even be possible to sue the OW for primary custody of the child. After all, it's your husband's child too, as much as it is hers. I read somewhere a few years back that when divorcing, women get custody 80% of the time, but in the 20% where men contest it... 80% of those men will win. I don't see why this would be any different from a divorce scenario.

 

You know, all you've had up until this point, are responses from OWs and former OWs. This might not be the best support you can get. There's a forum at Marriagebuilders which is specific to dealing with the problems associated with affairs that have produced offspring. Not that I'd discourage anybody from posting here at LS... but I'm thinking you might be able to get a few more ideas from people who are sharing your experience.

[Lizzie60]

You are in an extremely painful and hard situation... but you have to thank your husband for that... He's the one who is to blame... maybe she trapped him to get pregnant but he's the one who didn't use protection.

 

I know this is not my life... but I know for a fact, that I couldn't live with my husband after he had a child with another woman... I would set him free to have his life with this woman and the child...

 

I truly don't know how you can manage to live with him... I would have kick him to the curb as soon as I find out about her pregnancy... but like I said... not my life.. it's yours... but now you have to live with the consequences of his 'irresponsibilities'... but really... do you have to?

 

She is running him by the tip of his nose... who's fault is it? From what I read, your husband is quite a wimp who cannot stand on his two own feet and take charge and deal with this.

 

I honestly feel sad for you.

[Integra]

I had no idea there were so many people going through the same situation I've been going through for the last 2 years.

 

My husband has also been a 'victim' of an unwanted pregnancy with 'the other woman'. We were on the outs and he had a one night stand.

I had no clue this woman was in love with my husband. Although now, I see it of course..

The way her mind worked was, 'if he gets me pregnant, he will want to be with me.' HA! How wrong she was. And once she realized she was wrong she started making life a living hell.

 

I begged her to get an abortion. In most circumstances I am very against abortion. But in this case... I was ready to take her and PAY for it. She refused.

 

Okay, so now we have an innocent baby in the picture. I am still with my husband, but only by a thread. I feel that the contact between him and her should only be limited to drop off/ pick up the child and discuss anything that has to do with the child. Yet she still insists they be buddy buddy. Wants to borrow his tools, or whatever... and have little chit chats about me as if she really gives a rats azz. Which, in turn... makes my blood boil.

 

I could just beat the crap out of her... it would make me feel better, but what would it prove? Trust me though, I've had some horrific thoughts of what I would love to get away with.

 

I want my marriage to work. I love my husband more than anything in the world. But she seems to always wedge her way in between us somehow. I could kill her. We'll make plans as a famliy (myself, my husband and our son), and she'll find out about it and devise some plan to mess it up. 9 times out of 10 we've had to cancel "OUR" family time because HER son needs something, and he needs it NOW.

 

He is paying $870.00 a month for child support, which I think is absolutely outragous, yet she is trying to get more. AND she is demanding that he pay her $10,000 attorney's fees. Yet she is the one who took the liberty of hiring a lawyer even AFTER he and her made a verbal agreement on payment and care of this child.

 

I could scream!!! I have never had so much hate for someone. What does one do in this situation?

 

He won't just abandon the child... and I wouldn't expect him to. It's not that baby's fault his mother is a homewrecker. But the monthly payments, plus OUR attorney fees alone are drowning us.

 

Is there any law ANYWHERE that states a witch like that be prosicuted somehow? I mean this isn't right.

She tried to trap him. And she used this baby to do it.

 

The saddest part? He, nor her, can hardly stand to be around this little guy for more than a couple hours. When he is with either of them it is during the night while he sleeps, or in the evening just before he sleeps, and in the mornings just before he goes to day care. NOW HOW SAD IS THAT!!!!????

 

 

 

First off, I'm sorry for your pain and your anger.. But

welcome.

 

Second, just so you know.. The first responders to your

post have all been OW or xOW. Yes, I am a BS..

 

Now, your H is not a "victim".. He was not raped.. He

willingly and wantingly (even if he won't admit it, and even

if you don't want to here it) had sex with the OW. And

obviously it was unprotected sex.. HIS BAD.. Rule one

"protect thy on ass", is a golden rule.. He didn't. I am

very sorry for that.. But that is the reality..

 

Question, you say it was a one night stand. But you also

say that this OW was/is in love with your H. So, is this

a woman that he knows well? as opposed to a stanger

one night stand... Because it seems to me, for her to

be in love with him.. They had quite abit of contact before

this "one night stand"..

 

You were "on the outs".. Where your seperated, or

just fighting?

 

This is going to ruffle feathers, but I have to say this.

You had no right to beg her to have an abortion. Just

as (married or not) no outside person had the right

to beg you to abort your child. YES, I understand that

this child is now a part of your life.. Something you didn't

want, plan or have any control over.. I get it, I feel it.

But, not your place.. I think maybe at the time your

were begging and willing to pay for the abortion, your

emotions were just running high. Understandable..

 

How does your H feel that communication should be

between him and OW when it comes to OC.. Have

you shared with him how you feel about their communication?

If you have, why hasn't he stepped up and set up boundries

and made it clear how their relationship is going to be? Have

the three of you ever sat down and discussed this?

 

How is she finding out about family plans?? This OW sure

seems to have alot of access for it just have been a

one night stand.. I'm sorry.. I'm sorry but again.. What

was your H's relationship with OW before the "one night

stand"? And why is your husband dropping and running

upon her request? She can request and demand all she

wants.. HE is the one that is going and running... Have

you had an honest heart to heart with your H about

your feelings on this subjec?

 

As far as her going to court instead of just taking

your H's word and a verbal aggreement for CS..

I gotta tell you. I can't fault her for that. Read some

of the stories here, of MM making all kinds of verbal

agreements to OW and OC's, and 9 x's out of 10.

They don't follow through... Now maybe your H

would have never done that.. I don't know. And the

OW had no quarantees without a court order either.

Look at it from the perspective of a mother, you

as a mother will make sure, anyway possible that

your childern's welfare is taken care of. Period end

of story.. OW had to as well..

 

The CS agreement really isn't that outrageous. Look at

how much it takes to raise children..

 

Nope, only a few states have laws against

adultery and alienation of affection. So, don't

know if you live in one or not.. Besides at

this point, what good would it do to sue the

OW.. You can't stand this OW, you want to

kick the crap out of her (I understand) so

why drag out super long court battles where

alot of crap may be dredged up that might not

be exactly what you know now.. Seriously think

about that.. Do you want to here every dirty detail

in a court room? This is what would happen if

you were able to sue her.

 

Why can't either one of them stand to be around

this OC?? That not only makes me sad, it makes

me a little sick to be honest.. This child did not

asked to be born . Period.. You made it quite clear

that you didn't want this woman to have your husbands

child. Did your H want the OW to abort? Why can't

your H stand to be around this OC?

 

How long have you been M? Is this the first time

your H has strayed in anyway (that you know about)?

What are you and your H doing to rebuild your M?

Does your H want to rebuild your M as much as

you do?

 

I'm sorry if anything I said feels harsh, and if

if any of it was painful.. I have just learned

through the years the unbelievable importance

of complete honest diaglogue..

 

PS. Lady Jane posted before I was finished, she

like me is also a BS who is a few years into her

R with her H.. By they way, LJ I think your

great!!!

[Je Ne Regrette Rien]

Hi SBH,

 

I'm very sorry for your situation, and indeed it must be hanging by a thread with all of the pressure you are under at the moment.

 

I am an OW who got pregnant and had an abortion. I had the abortion because of the terrifying thought of bringing more pain upon the situation I was already in, especially my MMs kids. I didnt do it for myself, which I should have done and I regret it a lot.

 

I can see it is understable how you think the OW had the baby because she wanted to trap your husband. However, you must realise, your H allowed himself to be trapped. Your H is not a victim. He is a participant in the pain you are in.

 

The most important thing is the child in this situation. If you truly want to be with your husband, I would suggest marriage counselling and becoming an active participant in the childs visits and all of the related consequences. I'm not saying make her your friend, but be a united front with your husband and deal with the child he had a part in making. That way, the child benefits (and you're child also has a half-brother/sister) and the OW can see how united you are in your marriage with your husband.

[LifesontheUp]

I really feel for you in this situation and as LadyJane said perhaps a post on the other site may help as there are others there in a very similar situation to you.

 

I also feel so very sorry for the young baby in all this too, he/she needs to be nurtured and loved in these formative years and its so sad if neither parents feel inclined to do that.

 

Something nobody has mentioned so far is are you sure that this baby is your husbands? I mean you see and hear so much these days of fathers finding out that the baby is not theirs after sometimes years of providing financial/caring support. After all, if this OW was sleeping with your husband, how do you know that there wasn't anyone else involved? and before I get shot down in flames..........thats life these days and it sure does happen. It would be something I would check if god forbid it ever happened to me.

[wizer]

$870 a month in child support is not much. I'm paying much, much more than that.

 

$10,440 per year isn't a heck of a lot of money to support a child.

[Unforgetable77]

Please click one of the Quick Reply icons in the posts above to activate Quick Reply.

[shatteredbrokenheart]

Okay, WOW! Let me start over.

 

The OW was a mutral friend. I was going through a severe depression. I was heavily medicated and basically unconsolable. The OW came to my H's rescue. She was his shoulder to cry on.

 

Yes my H is a scumbag for being with her. Yes I hated him just as much. I was lied to, betrayed, and left behind. However I blame myself to a point. I became a woman that my H didn't marry. My depression took over, even with the medications I was on. Therefore, our intimacy was non-existant.

 

The OW was supposed to be my friend. And I didn't think my H would be unfaithful.

I did leave for 5 1/2 months. I moved out. We seperated. I was getting on with my life. But somehow, I managed to come back to my H. Things were working for awhile. Me and the OW got along. But the bigger her belly got. The more hurt boiled. So I stopped talking to her.

 

I set boundries for contact. But neither of them did what I asked.

 

Then the baby came. A precious innocent little boy. I do love him with all my heart. And I am still angry with both the OW and my H for bringing him into this world.

She can't hold down a job. Yet she insists he be in daycare. H doesn't argue because it's easier to do things her way because yes... she used the baby as bait. If he doesn't do somehting her way, she keeps him from H.

As of right now we haven't even been to court for this matter. She is demanding 1200 a month in childsupport, on top of 480 a month for day care.. PLUS her attorney fees which are upward of 10,000. Right now he is paying her 870 per month. I am fighting tooth and nail. There is no way this woman is getting that kind of money. If she does win, We lose the house, our trucks, EVERYTHING. So damn right I am fighting it.

She doesn't care that we have another son to take care of... or the fact we have a mortgage and other bills. As long as she gets hers... she could care less.

 

Counselling? HA! That is hilarious. I've been in counselling since my depression began in January of 05. Has it changed my anger and resentment? No.. not in the least bit. And I doubt it ever will. I talk to anyone who will listen. I am open to any advice.

 

Yes my husband can be a coward. And I've been working on him to grow a back bone.

Yes he did have intercourse with another woman willingly and unprotected.

Yes I am mad, hurt and feel betrayed. Fine.

However what's done is done right?

What I came on to this board to find out is how other's cope. What decisions did they make..?

I didn't come here to be slammed. To be told I was naieve. But it seems thats what has happened.

Thanks a lot.

[Unforgetable77]

OOPs Sorry couldn't edit post so will post again later... run out of time now

[OWoman]

Counselling? HA! That is hilarious. I've been in counselling since my depression began in January of 05. Has it changed my anger and resentment? No.. not in the least bit. And I doubt it ever will. I talk to anyone who will listen. I am open to any advice.

 

SBH If you've been in counselling all that time and not gotten any help from it, I'd suggest you change your counsellor. There are many different kinds of counselling and you need to find something that works for you.

[mystic_pizza]

Okay, WOW! Let me start over.

 

As of right now we haven't even been to court for this matter. She is demanding 1200 a month in childsupport, on top of 480 a month for day care.. PLUS her attorney fees which are upward of 10,000. Right now he is paying her 870 per month. I am fighting tooth and nail. There is no way this woman is getting that kind of money. If she does win, We lose the house, our trucks, EVERYTHING. So damn right I am fighting it.

She doesn't care that we have another son to take care of... or the fact we have a mortgage and other bills. As long as she gets hers... she could care less.

 

quote]

 

Okay, shattered, quick question, do you and your husband have an attorney to help you fight this? If so, make sure it one who has extensive experience in dealing with circumstances such as this. If not, find the best d$%m attorney who has experience in your situation you can find! That is the FIRST and MOST important thing you can do. It may be expensive, but in the end it will be worth every single penny.

 

My sympathies are with you and I am an ex-OW. When I was involved with my MM, trapping him was never ever a thought in my mind. And when his W found out, I let him go because the reality of what I was doing hit me smack between the eyes.

 

Now, my advice. Find out what is reasonable child support and go through the courts to set it up. Next, be as fair, loving and understanding where the child is concerned afterall, it is not the child's fault. Be reasonable and humble and make the child's best interest your first and foremost priority. Let the OW act as vindictively as she wants because it is only going to come back and bite her in the a$$ in the end. Document EVERYTHING! Tape the phone conversations if you have to as a back up. Inform her you are taping her. By doing all of this, the courts will recognize your efforts and more than likely side with you and set up an agreement that is fair. By staying in control and remaining reasonable and having the child's interest at heart will help the court to see her true colors.

 

I would also make clear to the OW that the you may want to have full custody of the child if his/her (sorry couldn't remember if boy or girl) mental health and well being are in jeopardy because she is using them to manipulate you and your husband. A child is not a pawn and you and your husband, as adults, have to act like adults and put your own interests aside.

 

This is a very challenging situation to be in, but you must rise above your emotions and act in the best interest of the child. It happened, there is no going back, so now it is up to you to decide how you are going to move forward. Life is tough sometimes, we are often faced with hurdles that are high, but we all have the freedom to make choices. The question is, are you going to meet this challenge with your heart or your emotions?

 

Lastly, looking at this situation with understanding and compassion can help heal it faster, and so you can move forward.

 

I hope this helps. mp

[mystic_pizza]

SBH If you've been in counselling all that time and not gotten any help from it, I'd suggest you change your counsellor. There are many different kinds of counselling and you need to find something that works for you.

 

Double ditto to what OWoman has posted! If your counselor is not helping you then it is time to find another one. The best counselors are found through referrals of people who are in the field. Do your homework and find one who can help you...they are out there. But, mostly, YOU have to be willing to put in the effort and work for it to help.

 

Good luck to you. I hope, with all of my heart, that you will be able to bring this whole situation to a resolution that brings you some peace.

[Integra]

Okay, WOW! Let me start over.

 

The OW was a mutral friend. I was going through a severe depression. I was heavily medicated and basically unconsolable. The OW came to my H's rescue. She was his shoulder to cry on.

 

See, now this makes more since. Your original post stated that

this was a "one night stand".. However, your H having an

affair w/ a mutual friend is way more than a one night stand.

Your H didn't have a one nighter, he had an A..Tough to

swallow, yeah.. Reality, yeah....I'm very sorry that you

suffer from depression.. But, you need to except that

your H used someone else as a shoulder to cry on. How

long into your M were you, befoe your depression set it? You

cannot blame yourself or your depression (because you

say you wre receiving help/treatment the whole time) and

you most definitely can not blame yourself for him using

that as an excuse for having this A.

 

Yes my H is a scumbag for being with her. Yes I hated him just as much. I was lied to, betrayed, and left behind. However I blame myself to a point. I became a woman that my H didn't marry. My depression took over, even with the medications I was on. Therefore, our intimacy was non-existant.

 

I don't recall any other BS's calling or referring to your H

as a "scumbag".. However we did point out that there

had to be more to the story.. and ...low and behold there

is..You can not blame yourself for your depression. I

understand that intimacy had become non-existant.

How about mutual communication?? Did your H

ever seek help in learning how to deal w/you and your

depression? How to talk to you? Console you? How to

deal with the stress of having a severly depressed SO?

 

The OW was supposed to be my friend. And I didn't think my H would be unfaithful.

I did leave for 5 1/2 months. I moved out. We seperated. I was getting on with my life. But somehow, I managed to come back to my H. Things were working for awhile. Me and the OW got along. But the bigger her belly got. The more hurt boiled. So I stopped talking to her.

 

Double bretrayel.. Sucks beyond measure.. However, let me

remind you here. You moved out. You seperated. You

were getting on with your life.. What were you expecting

your H to do while you were doing this?? Not throwing stones

at all.. Read my story if you don't believe me..I also had

seperated from my H at one time. But, if you left and were

getting on with your life, were you really expecting him

to not do the same?? Was there an agreement that the two

of you wouldn't see other people while you were seperated?

Even if you didn't, seeing a mutual friend was a pretty

crappe' thing to do. What made you decide to "come back

to your husband"? It wasn't by chance the fact that he found

someone else was it( I really hope not)?

 

I set boundries for contact. But neither of them did what I asked.

 

You can set all the boundries you want. However, your not

the one with boundry issues, your H and the OW are.. Your

H is the only one who can set these boundries and he is

also the one that has to make them stick. But you said

that he hasn't done what you've asked. Why Not??

 

Then the baby came. A precious innocent little boy. I do love him with all my heart. And I am still angry with both the OW and my H for bringing him into this world.

She can't hold down a job. Yet she insists he be in daycare. H doesn't argue because it's easier to do things her way because yes... she used the baby as bait. If he doesn't do somehting her way, she keeps him from H.

As of right now we haven't even been to court for this matter. She is demanding 1200 a month in childsupport, on top of 480 a month for day care.. PLUS her attorney fees which are upward of 10,000. Right now he is paying her 870 per month. I am fighting tooth and nail. There is no way this woman is getting that kind of money. If she does win, We lose the house, our trucks, EVERYTHING. So damn right I am fighting it.

She doesn't care that we have another son to take care of... or the fact we have a mortgage and other bills. As long as she gets hers... she could care less.

 

If she can't hold down a job, why is H agreeing to pay for

Daycare? OK. Here you go.. If you or you H don't want the

OW to be able to withhold the OC when she doesn't get her

way.. Then you need to go to court, establish paternity,

establish CS, and establish visitation.. Then and only then

do you have a leg to stand on when it comes to your H

seeing OC. If you haven't been to court yet, what attorney

fees are you paying?..How was the CS amount agreed

on? If you really want to fight this tooth and nail, then

sorry you have to go to court to get legal establishment

of all the things I named before. Nope.. She probably doesn't

care about your child and your bills.. Do you care about her

bills? Be honest with yourself here, if either her or your

H cared about these things, there wouldn't be an OC

to begin with.. Why are you afraid of loosing everything? She

can't take everything away from you any more than you

could take everything away from you H if you divorced him.

 

Counselling? HA! That is hilarious. I've been in counselling since my depression began in January of 05. Has it changed my anger and resentment? No.. not in the least bit. And I doubt it ever will. I talk to anyone who will listen. I am open to any advice.

 

Great you've been in counselling.. How about your H?? Did

he ever go to any?? Have you two been to any counselling

together??

 

Yes my husband can be a coward. And I've been working on him to grow a back bone.

Yes he did have intercourse with another woman willingly and unprotected.

Yes I am mad, hurt and feel betrayed. Fine.

However what's done is done right?

What I came on to this board to find out is how other's cope. What decisions did they make..?

I didn't come here to be slammed. To be told I was naieve. But it seems thats what has happened.

Thanks a lot.

 

You can't make your H grow a back bone. He is the

only one that can accomplish that. As far as I have

seen, not a single other BS on this board(unless they

have while I was typing) has called you naive or

slammed you.

 

Again, you told all of us that it was a one night

stand. All the other BS's who responded to

you mainly pointed out that there had to be

more to the story.. And we were right!!!

What should you do?? Well, you don't want

to be told to go to therapy.. Fine I understand that.

You've BTDT and you say it hasn't helped.

 

So here you go.. What is your H doing to make

this situation better?? What is he trying to do

to reconcile your M?? You say you want your

M and you want it to work, but at the same

time you say that you don't think you can

every get over the anger, pain and resentment.

How fresh is all of this??? Has you H been

100% honest about everything that happened

from beginning to end?? Does he want your

marriage?? Start looking right there for

your answers... If he is not 100% open

honest (without having to be forced or

confronted) about everything, how he feels

about you, how he feels about the OW,

how he feels about OC, how he feels about

your M, then it will not happen.. It doesn't

matter how much you want it.. He has to

want it too...I'm willing to bet (thanx for

this 2Long) a lot of other people's money

that your H harbors alot of resentment

concerning your seperation.. If that's

not addressed, it's another total roadblock.

 

Ok. I wrote a nice little novella.. But this

are things that you and your H have to

adress and deal with.. Or your marriage

will never work....

 

 

Look deep inside yourself.. Do you

honestly (no bu^&sh&6 here) want

your marriage?? Are has this became

(which your post kinda alludes to/ or

it just may be anger at the moment) a

situation that you are determined to

"win" no matter what??

[KATANYA]

I'm really sorry if you feel you have been slammed.....that certainly wasn't the intention of my post anyway....and I'm sure not of anyone else's either - the pain, hurt and anger you clearly are going through is enough to bear without feeling like you are being attacked here as well. I think your original post was just so outwardly angry toward the OW that people all wanted to point out the the H is just as guilty and that neither of these two parties are being fair to anyone....not you, not your child and not their child.

 

I really think its amazing that you have such compassion and love for the child that your H and the OW had together......I don't know many women that would be so tolerant and kind - even though the child is innocent. And your tolerance for the OW and your H's behavior is, again, certainly more than I have seen or even read about here.

 

If counselling is not going to work, and your H refuses to respect that YOU deserve some very clear boundaries established with the OW and the child, and if the financial burden is exhausting YOUR OWN resources then its time that you and your husband make some serious decisions. Your posts don't say whether or not you are financially independent or a SAHM but I would be divesting myself of the financial burden at least (separate my finances for one)....

 

I know you have had responses from both BS and OW but I don't think you will find that the opinions are much different...your H put you in a very bad situation and at a very vulnerable time for you. Depression is an awful illness to go through and to overcome without this kind of stress and pressure.

 

Some things you may want to consider if MC is out of the question:

 

1.

[KATANYA]

1. write out Your conditions for staying in this situation for your H. Include what contact you can accept between H and OW and under what terms

 

2. Have your own financial/legal affairs in order in the event that you do decide to leave this marriage - marital assets, your own Child support, etc.

 

3. Make sure you take care of your own health and welfare.....your own child needs you! You say MC and counselling hasn't helped - maybe you need to find a new counsellor or a better support mechanism because the hatred and anger you feel will destroy you if you can't find a way to deal with it and let it go (I'm sure that you know this if you have been in counselling for 2 years already). Your husband should be more than supportive to do what you need him to do and be as accommodating as you need him to be.....if not than you really deserve better and more!

 

 

 

Maybe you've already done these things

[LucreziaBorgia]

I feel bad for the baby in this situation. I have read some horrible stories of babies who were mistreated, abused, and neglected when "trapping the man" didn't work out so well for the OW. Some of the conditions under which these children lived were horrible, and the BW/MM were able to successfully sue for custody.

 

Is that something you and your H would be willing to try?

[shatteredbrokenheart]

real quick, what is BS.. BTDT , and a few others?

[shatteredbrokenheart]

we have discussed getting full custody. I think that we may have a pretty good chance of winning too. She is unstable as far as employment goes. In fact just today when H went to get her the CS he was told that she didn't come in today. So I figure she lost that job too. H hasn't been to much counselling. He doesn't think its worth the time or money.

Yes we have a lawyer and hs is supposedly doing everything he knows to help us.

Where I live.. in New Mexico... childsupport for a single child runs between 3 and 6 hundred a month. I am a SAHM. there is no reason why the baby couldn't stay here if she got and held a job. But she refuses. on top of that. this poor baby boy is ALWAYS sick. Through his 1 year 2 month life he has been on some kind of medication. And its for stupid things. Fortunately H has an awesome health plan and insurance pays for all of it. But i decided to figure it up last night. Emergency and normal visits to the doctor have costed his insurance company OVER 5000 dollars. Over all he is a healthy baby though. But if he does so much as tugs at an ear ONCE its to the emergancy room she takes him. Its crap. He is on OTC medication too. Triaminic, benydryl, robetussin, you name it, she has had him on it. All that does is destroy the immune system.. Yes I have told her this, but she looks at me like I am retarded.

 

 

Anymore questions? I am sure I've missed a bunch... but I am really trying to make this situation more clear for everyone.