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Weekend "business" travel and cheating


outofdarkness

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outofdarkness

I am quite sure that I've brought this subject up before, but it's really bothering me tonight, so here goes...Most of you LS'ers know my story and already think my H is a real a--...For those of you who do know my story and keep hanging in there with me..Thanks! One of the things that my H agreed to three years ago after D day was that there would be little or no weekend "business" travel..This had become quite common pre D day, and after everything came out, I knew that this must have been a time that he cheated...Well, with the exception of a couple of times, he's stuck to this..Now, slowly, it's crept back in..It started out as just a Sunday night or two every few months...It's now back up to every other week, he leaves on a Sunday night..Tonight, I found out he is leaving on a Sunday night in a week or so and then the following week he won't return from a trip until Saturday morning! This has NEVER happened..

 

I am at a loss..I know that paranoia is a problem due to the amount of cheating and the length of it, but I don't want to be an ostrich w/ it's head in the sand again.. He has offered for me to see iteneraries, but I find these useless..If someone wants to cheat, they'll cheat..Most especially in today's day and age with technology the way it is now...I just wish so much that I could trust that I'm not being taken for another ride..I have been having nightmares again, and usually this means something is up...I have woken up crying for the past two nights...The dreams are all about him cheating, filing for D, leaving me for someone he's in love with, etc...Is my body/mind trying to tell me something that I just can't face? IDK..I'm confused and angry...

 

As always, I appreciate any input, as long as it's kept on topic and respectful..Thanks, ood:(

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I've done a lot of business travel. A lot. I've had to leave on Sunday nights on occasion for Monday business meetings, especially if it's a morning meeting, or if I'm flying cross country and can't afford to lose a whole day of work just getting there. It wasn't an every other week thing, but it did happen.

 

And, you are correct about the fly backs. I've never had to stay over on Friday night and fly back on Saturday. Even if I had a late Friday meeting, there's always a Friday evening flight back to everywhere.

 

Staying over Friday night or for the whole weekend is something I did only for personal reasons, not business. It's just not something people do - the people I'd be meeting with have families and they don't schedule Friday night meetings.

 

The only people I've ever heard who stay over on weekends are younger consultants who are on a months long project. But even they have the option of flying back home for the weekend. Some don't because they don't have families at home, and can party just as well with the other consultants at the project location.

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outofdarkness
i smell a rat!

 

i am sorry ood ((((hugs)))

Thanks ya'll..I too, smell a rat, most especially about staying over on Fri. night to return on Sat. morn...He say a meeting is sched..for too late in the day to get a flight back...so this isn't true?? I know very little about flight sched. as I do not travel very much at all. AND, just fyi, he does NOT fly cross country at ALL! I'm talking just regional..Mostly to a nearby region...NO cross country flights..How can a catch him? Any advice?

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LucreziaBorgia

Any chance you could arrange to go with him, or at least suggest it to see what his reaction would be? How about if you were to fly under the radar and simply show up at his hotel room at an hour when he should be in bed (alone of course).

 

There's always the private investigator option, but that can get pricey.

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outofdarkness

HE said tonight that he didn't think I should complain b/c I am suppose to take a 5 day trip to Jackson Hole w/ him on busniess...He asked me a long time ago..I can't go b/c it would cost US money out of our pocket should I go., ie., babysitting, spending money, money for the kids, pet care, etc..not to mention that our son is returning to school after being out for basically a year and a half...He knew I most likely could not go when he asked..I seem to always have to back out of these things in the end, and I believe that he knows it...I want to also remind all of you that just post D day, I showed up at his office after a LONG abscense due to my own health issues...I found NO family pics..Just one of he and another woman...When I asked about it, he said it was the W of a coworker and her H had taken the pic...It was the ONLY pic in his office! a 5 by 7 at that...The very next day it was gone..When I asked, he said he didn't think it was appropriate to have ANY pic of another woman in his possesion at that point in time..I bought it of course...Being the trusting dumb a that I am. FYI, this pick was of the same pres. club meeting a few years ago in Aspen...When I asked if I could go; this was before D day, he said that we could not afford for me to fly there, as Southwest, the carrier he normally uses does not fly there and there are no fliar pts. w/ any other airlines...I was very hurt to say the least..

 

I DID want to go, but now I don't...I would rather be anywhere but there...:mad:

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Does he have a secretary who manages his calendar? You can call her/him on Friday afternoon and say something about needing to reach him, but not wanting to interrupt his meeting, and then ask what time the meeting ends.

 

As for flight schedules, I've not heard of people having trouble getting flights out on Friday night, especially if the trip has been planned for a while. There are also redeye flights that leave at 10 or 11 or midnight and get you there in the wee hours of the morning. It may be more difficult to find flights if it's out of a small town, though. They don't always have a lot of puddle jumpers taking you to the nearest city. But Friday night starts the weekend travel schedule, so I'd be surprised if they don't have at least one or two flying out even in a small town.

 

You can certainly go online to any travel site, like Expedia or Travelocity, and do a search on flights leaving at 6pm or later from Topeka to St. Louis, or wherever, and see if he's telling the truth about available flights. If you know which airline he's flying, you can also check directly on their website.

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outofdarkness
Any chance you could arrange to go with him, or at least suggest it to see what his reaction would be? How about if you were to fly under the radar and simply show up at his hotel room at an hour when he should be in bed (alone of course).

 

There's always the private investigator option, but that can get pricey.

Yeah. I'd LOVE to surprise him, but we don't have the funds right now.We're still paying hospital bills for our son, plus the tutors that he had to have to catch up so that he could start this fall in the right grade...Then there's the fact that later on, he always finds a way to throw it up to me. As I said, even though the trip is a business trip, there would still be quite a few personal out of pocket expenses...Like babysitters, no, I have NO intention of leaving a 15 and 16 yr old at home alone..Might as well put a banner up that say party at our house! Then there are pet costs..and my Mom would have to be paid something for helping, as she already works 2 jobs to make ends meat and he hates it when I help her...I just can't go...Plus, I have NEVER met any of these people, as his co. hdqrters is in another state...Who knows what in the h---he's told them? I'm embarrassed and don't have any money to even buy and clothes or get my hair done...

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I don't get it - if he's this SuperTraveler for his company, how is it that his company's insurance wouldn't cover your son's hospital bills?

 

And...maybe his company doesn't work this way, but if they're doing a "President's Club" weekend, they usually pay for spouses, too. It's a prize, right? For exceeding sales quota or something?

 

I'm sorry, sweets. I just don't think his stories add up, and you may not even be aware of how sneaky he's being and how much he's lying.

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outofdarkness
I don't get it - if he's this SuperTraveler for his company, how is it that his company's insurance wouldn't cover your son's hospital bills?

 

And...maybe his company doesn't work this way, but if they're doing a "President's Club" weekend, they usually pay for spouses, too. It's a prize, right? For exceeding sales quota or something?

 

I'm sorry, sweets. I just don't think his stories add up, and you may not even be aware of how sneaky he's being and how much he's lying.

you're absolutely right..I am not "in the know" about these things..Are spouses/SO's usually covered regarding these things? Yes, it is a "president's club weekend", but my H presents it as such that he will be spending much of his time "smoozing"....IDK..I assume that one must produce a certain amt. in order to be included in these things? Does anyone know? I really don't...

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outofdarkness

His Co. insurance did cover most medical bills, but it was up to us to pay for the summer school and tutors so that he could catch up and begin this Fall in the appropriate grade...That has not come cheap! It's been a real bank buster, but worth every penny..And of course, there were deductibles and copays...We had to cover these as well..Not to mention the fact that I have not been able to work for over one year...So, it's been expensive..Hope I've cleared that up...Let me know if there are any other questions re: our son and the associated expenses...:)

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i think i'd find a way for my best friend to go and follow him the whole time. i'm serious! if i knew i couldn't go - she would help me in a heartbeat.

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Je Ne Regrette Rien

OOD, you're right, if someone wants to cheat, they will cheat. Your sitch always makes me so angry at your H, because of the sitch with your child and how you are completely trapped (because of the care you give to your family) from really investigating your H. I know I'm an OW, but from my perspective maybe knowing the lies will help. I would watch out for the following:

 

  • If he is cheating and meeting with someone, if he is clever it will only be a certain part of the time he is away so that he can verify where he is at certain points of his trip. Record times when he contacts you. Ring him at unexpected times on his mobile or directly to his hotel room. Write it all down so you have a record of his contact behaviour so you can compare your notes to his explanations if you need him to explain things when he returns. I know that sounds a bit like stalking him, but its only what a PI would do and since money is tight, you're going to have to don your Columbo mack yourself.
  • Educate yourself with flight schedules. Ring the airports and get times of flights which your husband can be on. Compare that to the time that his meeting is ending - are there available flights that he could have taken? Is there any way he could have returned home and chose not to?
  • Would he be arriving at the airport with an OW? Could you go to the airport and see who he walks out with upon his return?
  • I wouldn't trust ANYONE who could give you work information - especially a secretary. If I was his secretary and knew about an affair, I would be scared of dropping him in it by talking to his W about his whereabouts. These people may have been forewarned by him, but mostly, they dont owe you anything, but a colleague is different. It's amazing the amount of people who covered up for my MM for the smallest of reasons.
  • Do you know who your H is going to be with on the trip - I mean, is it a previous OW that you suspect may be joining him or are you worried about him having a new affair, or a one-night stand when he's away? If its a previous OW is there any way you can confidentially check her whereabouts? Whether she is at work or on annual leave?
  • Giving you an itinerary is just a way (IMO) of saying "What more can I give you? I gave you an itinerary and your still dont trust me!" Its a way of controlling you, a way of making you feel like you are asking too much of him because of YOUR trust issues. I dont buy it. Its a deflection.

It seems so much work I guess, but if it stops the nightmares, it may help. Maybe I'm encouraging you to obsess, which I dont mean to, but I've been there. I obsessed about the possibility my MM was lying to me when he was separated (I know, I know, a MM who lies? Impossible!) and I kept records of his contact and it wasn't until months into the future I went back on my records and discovered he had lied. A lot. I was pleased I'd taken the time to "monitor" him when I was feeling paranoid because it helped me verify the lies he told and know I wasn't simply losing my mind in paranoia - he couldn't schmooze me into believing him anymore.

 

It may be that your H is not cheating OOD. He may want to schmooze. He may just want to get away, have a few drinks with co-workers and then return home. But he sort of lost those stripes to freely be trusted by you when he's away and he needs to ensure that you're his number one priority and that gaining your trust by putting the work in now can only make his life BETTER in the end, not worse.

 

I think you worry and blame yourself so much about your trust issues, but your H really hampers your progress on trusting him by the way he pushes you to your limits of understanding around something that you have no control and little verification - his work.

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outofdarkness

For the reply...I am having a bad day today...b/c of the obvious but also b/c I realized after my H went to the used book sale at our son's school and wrote a check to a certain W, that it was the same name of a w who called and wouldn't say anything a few years ago..I called her right back and told her it was an unlisted number, that I didn't mind if she accidentily called the wrong number, just to tell me...She sighed and hung up on me...So, I called AGAIN, and asked respectfully again, she again sighed and sort of laughed in an angry way and hung up on me again...This was on a Sat. morning, my H was gone to a "meeting" supposedly..It was as if someone was waiting on him and was angry b/c he had not shown up yet...It was a bad feeling..I asked him about the w, as I DID have her name on my caller ID..He said he had NO idea who it was...I even did a check online to find out she lives very near us, but I NEVER thought it might be someone from one of the kid's school..I don't know why, as he had several A's w/ ow's from the school that we had to w/ draw them from supposedly due to our son's misbehavior...False accusations, we would later learn...THEN after D day, I found out about the A's that he had w/ MARRIED OW..My guess is that somone's H got angry...This was a very elite private school w/ many powerful, connected and wealthy people...How angry does someone's H have to be in order to seek revenge like this? Not very, I would guess...The first thing one of these H's would do would be to get rid of the family and punish them..After all, the best revenge in HIS eyes would be to tear apart his family like HIS family was! It's all so sick....so sick that I can't cope

 

RE: Keeping notes...I am exhausted at having to do stuff like this...I will have to think about it..I don't want another D day...My guess is that the proof is already hear right in front of my face, I can't take it, so I'm in denial and it's coming out in my dreams.....I just need to leave...

 

Thanks for the replies...This man is not stable and scares me...I want to leave, but am scared to...

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you're absolutely right..I am not "in the know" about these things..Are spouses/SO's usually covered regarding these things? Yes, it is a "president's club weekend", but my H presents it as such that he will be spending much of his time "smoozing"....IDK..I assume that one must produce a certain amt. in order to be included in these things? Does anyone know? I really don't...

 

I certainly can't speak for all companies and all events. But something called a President's Club weekend in Aspen, especially if done annually, sounds very much like an award given to top performers. And yes, they often include spouses and even have special events for them (like time in the spa) while there is other schmoozing happening on the golf course (or ski run). And there may be an awards dinner as well.

 

My company has a "Winners Circle", for their sales people who have over-achieved their sales quotas that year. They send the sales people, the spouses, and their kids to Maui for a week, all expenses paid at a resort. Admittedly, that's a very, very generous award, but this is a very successful global company and they can easily afford it. But, most companies do something for the families of their sales people, because they recognize the sacrifices the families have to make, so their spouses can do all that business travel on behalf of the company.

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This man is not stable and scares me...I want to leave, but am scared to...

 

What are you afraid of? If you talk to a lawyer, you know that you can get child support and spousal support. You can probably keep the house, too.

 

The only thing you'll lose is the huge weight around your neck dragging you into this misery all the time.

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Je Ne Regrette Rien
What are you afraid of? If you talk to a lawyer, you know that you can get child support and spousal support. You can probably keep the house, too.

 

The only thing you'll lose is the huge weight around your neck dragging you into this misery all the time.

 

I agree with NJ, OOD - your H has more than given you reasons.

 

I feel a bit of a fraud posting on the infidelity site sometimes, but it doesn't mean I don't feel for you. You sound so tired of it all. When you're questioning every move that you're making, reduced to still checking up on him after so many affairs, and he isn't repaying your forgiveness by giving you the absolute complete transparency that his behaviour has made you require - then he no longer deserves your care.

 

When you are together with no business trips does it feel the same for you? Or is it the time spent a way that is the catalyst for your mistrust? If so, I think he should devote 100% time to not going away. If his employers understand the problems at home, they should also understand he can not travel as much for work.

 

He should make this work for you.

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I previously held a job that required much travel (support position for a nation retail company). My co-worker did the same job, flew to the same places. Both of us were married with small children and made our own travel arrangements. Last year I worked, I was on the road 98 days (too much time away from home when you have a family, why I quit the job). Working the same assignments, flying from and returning to same city as me, he travelled 131 days.

 

Bottom line, those that want to get home ASAP can and will. Those that want to stay and "play" will also find a way. JMHO,

 

Mr. Lucky

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outofdarkness
What are you afraid of? If you talk to a lawyer, you know that you can get child support and spousal support. You can probably keep the house, too.

 

The only thing you'll lose is the huge weight around your neck dragging you into this misery all the time.

Re: what am I afraid of? HIM! I can't get into too many details, except to say that he has a temper, and I would need to move far away to excape his anger...Re: His company rewarding the family for good producers..Yes, this is what this particular annual event is for, but I have never been, and have not been asked until this year..I don't feel comfortable going in addtion to the reasons that I already gave for NOT being ABLE to leave..I don't feel good about myself, do not have the appropriate wardrobe, and have NO idea what he has told these people...Would YOU ALL want to go if you were me? I would be interested in some OP's on this...Thanks..

 

RE: Looking for anther job..In my OP, it's a matter of priorities...His don't seem to be in the right place..Either he is so much of an addict that he CAN'T make his family a priority, or he doesn't want to or both..Most likely both....I have BEGGED, PLEADED, etc., for him to look for job that does not require travel, to no avail...I gave up..It is a way for him to continue his cheating/addictive behavior and not have to be held accountable b/c he can always say that it's business and that SOMEONE has to earn the money....He is MORE the capable of finding an excellent postion w/ a local company....Anyone around here would be lucky to have him, in fact, he was heavily recruited for quite some time, but it just does NOT enable him to cheat...plain and simple...He cannot manipulate the circumstances/people...

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outofdarkness
I previously held a job that required much travel (support position for a nation retail company). My co-worker did the same job, flew to the same places. Both of us were married with small children and made our own travel arrangements. Last year I worked, I was on the road 98 days (too much time away from home when you have a family, why I quit the job). Working the same assignments, flying from and returning to same city as me, he travelled 131 days.

 

Bottom line, those that want to get home ASAP can and will. Those that want to stay and "play" will also find a way. JMHO,

 

Mr. Lucky

Yep, I totally agree....Thanks for the input..Short but to the point...I like that...

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outofdarkness

on front page of Yahoo today...about opposite sex friendships if anyone's interested..I thought it was really good, and the comments interesting..Know it's a bit off topic but thought you all might find it helpful...:)

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Sweet Surrender

but it seems like you enjoy using this site as your forum to cry that your husband is the bad guy. Yes, it is wrong of him. He is cheating...he is deceitful. He is dishonest. I know it, and have barely gotten though reading your post. If I know it, them how come you don't? If if you do....what are you doing about it (constructively)? Viewing iterinaries is a smoke screen...if you love your hubbie and want to stay with him, ask him to get some help for his problem. If he says no, or doesn't think he has a problem, then you go and learn how to live with him. You are chosing to do this. I know, as I made that choice myself. I have lived with a sex addict for 20 years. The only thing that changes is the deceptiveness. Finding different ways to hide what he is doing. I obviously felt I had a reason (actaully a number of reasons) for staying. I am only now realising that I have to seek help. My husband refused.

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mystic_pizza
you're absolutely right..I am not "in the know" about these things..Are spouses/SO's usually covered regarding these things? Yes, it is a "president's club weekend", but my H presents it as such that he will be spending much of his time "smoozing"....IDK..I assume that one must produce a certain amt. in order to be included in these things? Does anyone know? I really don't...

 

Yes, one does have to produce a certain amount to be included on these trips. And, spouses are covered almost 100% of the time. In fact, I have never heard of spouses not being covered for "President's Club Weekends", they are usually included.

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mystic_pizza
Re: Yes, this is what this particular annual event is for, but I have never been, and have not been asked until this year..I don't feel comfortable going in addtion to the reasons that I already gave for NOT being ABLE to leave..I don't feel good about myself, do not have the appropriate wardrobe, and have NO idea what he has told these people...Would YOU ALL want to go if you were me? I would be interested in some OP's on this...Thanks..

 

...

 

I am an OP and nope, I wouldn't want to go if I were you either. If he has a history of traveling without you to company events, lord only knows what he has told these people. I wouldn't want to be in a situation where people think one thing and possibly have no clue what the actual truth is. Do you have a friend that could do a little detective work for you for free?

 

Sorry to hear that you are in such an awful situation, my heart goes out to you ODD. Are things going to be lightening up for you anytime soon regarding childcare?

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outofdarkness
but it seems like you enjoy using this site as your forum to cry that your husband is the bad guy. Yes, it is wrong of him. He is cheating...he is deceitful. He is dishonest. I know it, and have barely gotten though reading your post. If I know it, them how come you don't? If if you do....what are you doing about it (constructively)? Viewing iterinaries is a smoke screen...if you love your hubbie and want to stay with him, ask him to get some help for his problem. If he says no, or doesn't think he has a problem, then you go and learn how to live with him. You are chosing to do this. I know, as I made that choice myself. I have lived with a sex addict for 20 years. The only thing that changes is the deceptiveness. Finding different ways to hide what he is doing. I obviously felt I had a reason (actaully a number of reasons) for staying. I am only now realising that I have to seek help. My husband refused.

I don't need or want this sort of post..I will block you simply b/c I really depend on LS for advice and support and you had no right imo to say otherwise.

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