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Lying and miserable


1confusedgirl

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1confusedgirl

I'll try to make this short but it will be hard. I have a complicated mess on my hands.

 

I have been in a relationship for almost 10 years. I am only 25 so we met when we were in high school. We've had a couple break-ups which involved each of us cheating on each other once earlier in our relationship but managed to work through it and continued to be happy together. The past few years have not been wonderful for either of us due to some family economical issues on both sides, especially within the past year. Recently both of our families have gone through foreclosures, lost their jobs, and struggled even to keep a roof over their heads. My boyfriend has been particularly affected since he always made good money but now bascially works to support his parents. He lives with them and I, for many years now, have been bouncing back and forth between my parents and his house, which I am so completely sick of. I don't even feel like I have a home because I am always moving around so much. We have been talking about moving out together for a long time but of course now with both of our parents' circumstances it has never materialized. I think this alone has had a tremendous effect on our relationship and has drained me. Our sex life does not exist, I think mainly for this reason although I question that it might not only be that.

 

Now to add more confusion in my life. I started my first job out of college last September. School was another stressful factor in my life. It was a very difficult curriculum and I swear I experienced several nervous breakdowns between concentrating on projects I had to get done and the chaos that was going on at home. Getting a job was not an easy task either. It took many months for me to finally get a job even though it wasn't exactly what I was looking for but at least it took some stress away because I finally started making some money on my own. Not too long after I started working there a co-worker sent me an email commenting that I looked nice that day. I had noticed him before he sent me this email and something about him caught my eye. Of course I was flattered and responded back with a harmless thank you. We began talking for the next couple weeks and eventually he asked if I would like to grab a drink. The first thought that crossed my mind is that I can't b/c I'm in a relationship and it will just lead to no good even though deep inside I really wanted to. But I didn't. I made something up and turned down his offer.

 

That next week he was on vacation from work. For some reason I could not get him out of mind so I sent him text message asking how he was enjoying his time off. Not long after, the text messages started taking an unexpected turn initiated by me. In short, by the end of the day we were texting each other very explicit messages and pictures. I felt so guilty b/c I knew it was wrong but it was just so exciting. We talked later that night on the phone and I admitted I had a boyfriend and I couldn't do this anymore, but that did not stop me the next day.

 

When he returned from his vacation he asked me to come over to his place after work. Again, I knew I shouldn't but I wanted to so bad I could not control myself. Once I got over there it wasn't long before we started kissing and eventually I gave him oral for a little bit and then stopped b/c I felt too guilty. I had the worst feeling when I left. I promised myself I would never cheat again on my boyfriend because I saw the pain it caused him and I never wanted to make him feel like that ever again. I convinced myself that night that I would not take this any further.

 

But of course if I didn't continue, I wouldn't be writing this post about the mess I'm in now, would I. You could probably guess that it did continue for many weeks and eventually involved a lot of sex. It got to the point where I would stay late after work just to be with him because I didn't even have the desire to hang out with my boyfriend as I did before.

 

It began to get very serious with this other guy. The turning point came after I came back from a short weekend trip in December with my boyfriend. I had fun with him like we always do. I mean he has been my best friend for almost 10 years but the sex just didn't compare to what I had been having with the other guy. I couldn't wait to see him when I got back to work. We went out to dinner that night and he told me something that surprised me and complicated things even more. He said that he was in love with me and that he wanted me all to himself. At this point it kinda just scared me away because I thought that there was no question that I loved my boyfriend and that this was just something new and exciting for me but not necessarily love.

 

I think subconciously I started to distance myself from this guy because I was too scared to even think of the possibility of loving someone else because I had gotten so comfortable with my boyfriend. He was my comfort zone and I never wanted to make any major changes mainly b/c he was the only stable aspect in my life with all the problems I had been facing. I also forgot to mention that I have been suffering from depression for many years. Medication has kept me stable but nevertheless I still am not funcitoning like a normal person would and this whole situation has only made matters worse.

 

Even though I was scared by what this guy was telling me, I just couldn't let him go. I enjoyed spending time with him and I didn't want to drop him from my life. He would bug me constantly about breaking up with my boyfriend to be with him and I would just change the subject b/c it made me so uncomfortable. As we began spending more time together though, my feelings grew stronger for him and I started to think of the possibility that maybe I did love him. The thought crossed my mind about breaking up with my boyfriend. But then things started to get even worse at home. He lost his house and job and became severely depressed and stressed. I was the only good thing in his life he had and I couldn't bring myself to tell him that I might not be in love with him anymore. I was scared of what he would do. I do not think he would do anything to harm himself but I just was not sure b/c the situation and his mental state got so bad.

 

Not that things could get any worse, they did. My co-worker and I had been talking this whole time sending emails through company email and company phones, which was stupid on our part...I know. One day I got called down to HR and was told that there had been excessive and inappropriate use of company email and that I was being terminated. I was in complete shock. I went straight to the other guy's house and discovered that he too was terminated even though he was in a senior level position and had been there for a few years. I thought for sure that this was it for me. I was going to have to come clean about everything. But not even that could bring me to tell him. In fact, it only made it harder.

 

So, it's been over 4 months since I have been fired. I haven't found a job. I have been staying at the other guys place during the day while he is at work because both my family and boyfriend still think I work. I sit here everyday and cry because I have dug myself a hole so deep I do not know how to get out. I have never lied so much in my life and it makes me sick. I have become this person I never thought I would be and it is slowly killing me. My depression has only gotten worse and I have had the thought of suicide many times but I know I could never go through with it.

 

As it stands right now, my boyfriend thinks nothing out of the ordinary is wrong with our relationship. Even before I started this affair, we barely had sex and that is how it continues to be. I go over there after my "day at work" and stay there usually on the weekend. Although I try to somehow come over to stay the night with the other guy because I really have no desire to spend time with my boyfriend like I used to.

 

It kills me when I see him so stressed about everything and to know what I am doing. I feel like such a horrible person but on the other hand I just want to figure out my life. We have planned to get married once I was out of school and had a job and we're financially secure. Right now, I never see that happening and I feel like this is going to be my life for much longer than I want it to be. I want to get married and have a family and a career. But also, I can not imagine my life without him. He has been part of it for so long that it makes me cry to think about not spending the rest of our lives together and having a family, and everything else we have always planned about doing. I just don't know if all these sentimental feelings are the only things that are forcing me to hold on. It would feel more like a divorce if we broke up.

 

Now for the other guy. What can I say, the sex is more than amazing. But it isn't just the sex. Just to kiss him and hold him is the best feeling in the world. I think about him constantly and I am so depressed when I am not with him. But it's not like things are perfect with him either. First off, let me mention that he is much older than me, 41 to be exact. That is a 16 year difference for those of you trying to do the math. He is divorced and has a 16 year old daughter, which does not bother me whatsoever. In the beginning of our relationsihip, the age difference did concern me from the standpoint of how my family would feel about it and of course having kids. As time went on though, my feelings surpassed any uncertainty I had about our age difference. We have talked about these issues, particularly having kids which he claims to be ok with. It still concerns me somewhat though. I don't feel like he would want kids at his age if it weren't for me. I also have had some doubts recently if he even feels as strongly for me as he did in the past. I know that he hates the fact that I am still with my boyfriend but understands why I have not broken it off with him. However, I think he believes that I will never have the courage to tell my boyfriend the truth. Consequently, I know he has tried moving on. Not too long ago, I found out he was talking to other girls and even his ex-girlfriend, which put me over the edge and really put things in perspective for me. I thought that if I didn't make any sort of changes I was going to lose him because I can't expect him to wait around for me. It crushed me knowing that he might be looking for another woman, but not like we were in a relationship where I really had control over that, even though I wish I did because it hurt so much. But even faced with the fact that he might move on if I don't do something soon, I still could not tell my boyfriend anything.

 

And here I am today going nowhere in my relationships or career. I am so confused on what to do. I am still terrified to tell my boyfriend anything. Sometimes I feel like I should at least give us a try on our own since we already have invested so much time together, yet we don't even know how life is on our own. I don't even know if I can rekindle the feelings I once had for him though. I still love him as a person but that sexual attraction is gone. I don't know if that is just normal after all these years or if that means something else. I have never been so miserable in my life. Meanwhile I am forcing another person to put his life on hold because of me.

 

Can anyone please offer me any advice or your opinion!! I have been too embarrassed and scared to tell anyone about this but I had to get this off my chest because I am breaking down.

 

Another reason I cannot get myself to even bring up the suggestion to my boyfriend about maybe even seeing other people is because he has absolutely nothing. He has helped me out financially and was there for me when I was going through rough times. Now he is the one going through a rough time and has no way of even signing for a car, mortgage, anything, and I am just going to leave him high and dry after all that he did for me. This is the part that makes it so difficult for me because it would be extremely hard for him to move on and begin dating under his circumstances.

 

What the hell do I do? Do I tell my boyfriend anything while he is in this difficult situation and mental state? Do I try to work on our relationship at this point? Please give me any sort of feedback!!

 

Any comments or advice you have would be greatly appreciated. Just please help before I go insane!

 

Sorry that didn't end up being too short.

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LakesideDream

Ah... a cheaters story with a sad beginning, a happy middle, and an unknown ending.

 

You need to stop lying to everyone! Be as honest to your family as you were here. They deserve to know you are not working.

 

As for your BF. You don't really believe your unsatisfactory (from your viewpoint) can survive the level of dishonesty you have shoved into it... do you?

 

He sounds like a honest, honerable guy. Standing up and helping his parents when they are going through trouble. Trying to help you. You repay him by having "fabulous sex" with your former coworker. Should you tell him? Ah... yea. If I knew you both I'd tell him!

 

You BF is a great guy being taken for a ride by a sniveling, cowardly slut. He deserves better, believe me he couldn't do worse.

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april sunshine

What a cruel reply LD....you could easily have communicated the same message minus the cruel remarks. How is name-calling helpful to anyone? All you stand to achieve with replies of this calibre is to cause a greater intensity of pain and confusion for the poster....the underlying message will be missed due to the nastiness of the labelling you are dishing out.

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Confused,

 

Wow. I don't know what to say.

 

For starters, you need professional help. If you're not already getting it, get it right away. If you can't afford it go to church and find God.

 

So the sex "just doesn't compare" to someone who you say has been there for you for 10 years? Gee, no kidding. Of course it's better with someone newer. In the meantime, your comparing your BF's performance to this new guy and the poor dude doesn't even know he's not satisfying you. H*LL, how can he? He's keeping how many lives together?

 

What happens when in a few years (or probably months with your will power) you tire of this guy and need a new fix? You gonna do the same thing again?

 

This is so unfair iand wrong t's beyond words. Look in a mirror. Is this really who you want to be? As a famous poster in another section of this site says, "MAN-UP".

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Hmmm.. April I think confused needs a reality check. Dont get down on LC for showing what most guys are going to think of this.

 

Confused, you need to let your BF go. Then you need to PAY him the money. Basically you took his money under false pretenses... and now he needs it back. Get a loan from this old geezer your shacked up with. Tell him it will allow you to make a clean break with your BF.

 

Confused is the one thing you should not be. You already made your choices now all you have to do is follow through. You dont have to tell your BF that you have been cheating on him, just end the relationship. I dont understand why you think he needs you. Its pretty obvious that you are not there for him in ANY way! Let him go find someone who cares for him.

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whichwayisup

One lie turns into another one and so on...And now it's killing you.

 

First off, please make arrangements to go talk to a therapist, you need someone to help you gain the strength to come clean and to fix your life.

 

Start off small, make that first phone call to your Dr, ask for a referral or start googling therapists in your area. Then you need to tell your boyfriend you're unhappy in the relationship...Staying and cheating isn't the answer....

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1confusedgirl

Thank you for making this comment april. I know what I'm doing is wrong and already hate myself for it. I didn't post this to be called the names I know people think I am, but of course I do expect it. Hopefully more people can get past the criticism and provide more helpful advice for me instead.

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LakesideDream

April, Confused... I am assuming you both are reacting to the term "cowardly slut" that I closed my post with. I thought about that before typing it. I tried to find a "nicer" way to say the same thing... and couldn't find a suitable alternative in my admittedly senile brain.

 

Confused, A brave person would not have allowed the situation to progress to the point it's at now. In fact a normal person caught up "in the moment" wouldn't have let it happen. Your problems are all of your own making, going on for months.

 

Confused, you made the choice to cheat. You made the choice to exploit your relationship with your boyfriends trust, accept his continuing love, even financial aid. You did these things and more knowing you were sharing your body with someone else. Why haven't you asked your "love partner" to help you? You and I both know why. It's because you want to preserve the relationship you have formed with your former co-worker. You don't want to clutter up your "new" relationship with the lies and mistrust that you freely foist upon your unaware BF, now back up BF, and always trusting and believing parents.

 

You need advice? I seriously doubt it. No rational person, and you sound rational, needs "advice" on how to deal with your situation. At some point, sooner better than later you know that you need to get yourself out from under all the garbage your lack of honesty and character caused and begin building a new life and persona. When you come clean with all involved, you can stop being a confused girl, and begin being a "formerly" confused woman.

 

You may be lucky enough to have the "older guy" give you a soft place to land. You need to act before you have no place to land.

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Confused,

 

Im not criticizing you! I am telling you to do the right thing and give your BF his money back! Then break up with him and let him have his LIFE back.

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Confused, go out and get a job, even if it is working in a fast food restaurant or stocking sales but GET A JOB!!! You need to start taking control of your life. Right now EVERYTHING in your life is out of control. To be able to start repairing things you need to establish some control. It is YOUR life, no one else can do it for you. You need to own up to your family and your long-term boyfriend and tell them that you were fired.

 

From the sound of things you have never functioned in this world as an adult, responsible to only yourself for your actions and words. You MUST do this to figure out who you are. It sounds like you don't really know yourself, let along who you want to be with.

 

I would step back from BOTH men for a time being until you can figure out who you REALLY love. Who is the one that you can see spending the rest of your life with? Is what you feel for this other man love or is it only lust? It is VERY easy to confuse the two, especially when you have a lot of other distractions. Stop spending much time with either of them. Tell them both that you need a little time to get your head on straight and learn how to function as an adult. Stay friends with them but don't talk to or see them very often.

 

I agree that you should pay back your boyfriend for all the support he has given you. But to do that you have to get a job. Get two jobs if all you can find is part-time or hourly work. But get going. Take control of your life before it is too late!!!!! You CAN DO IT!!!!!!!

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I think you've confused "long-time relationship with first boyfriend" and "man I will spend rest of my life with" – if this were indeed the case you wouldn't have such conflicted feelings about your relationship with him, much less your sex life together.

 

you are not doing either of you a favor by staying with him – while it will intitially be hard to break up because you've grown up with him, that's not a good reason for staying with him. Especially because of the conflicted feelings. Break it off with him, period. And get thee to a doctor who can give you a prescription to handle the depression, because a large part of you inability to act/spinning your wheels comes from being depressed ... been there, done that, did the meds and have bounced back. Hopefully, with the right combination, you'll find that things will start looking less bleak and that you can make healthy choices in your life.

 

you will not be doing your boyfriend any favors by staying with him when your heart's not in it, but you're too afraid to move forward. As cruel as this sounds, you're going to have to make the break despite the other crap he's dealing with, because there's never a good time to leave someone.

 

meanwhile, get out of the house – while it may feel good to cry, it's not helping you as far as getting back on your feet economically, and you need to do this sooner, rather than later for your own best interest.

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How would you feel if your boyfriend was doing to you what you are doing to him and putting your health at risk?

You are disrespecting your boyfriend and disrespecting yourself. Surely you must be a better than this?

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You have a lot of problems for sure, and sorting everything out is a process which takes time.

As far as I can see, your #1 priority should be: GET A JOB.

You need money and can get rid of at least one lie, and then move on to the next issue.

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  • 4 weeks later...
killedthecat

Confused,

 

It really shocked me to read your message because i am going through a similar situation only my job ends in a week so i'm not yet jobless. I also have depression and that changes the way we react to situations like this. You are not a coward for keeping it a secret...

 

One of the reasons you may be depressed, or rather a symtom of it might be that you have a difficult time asking for help when you need it. Whatever that might be. You have needs that need to be fulfilled and when you are depressed, you sometimes might think that you are not worthy to have those needs acted upon. The problem is, if you never asked your husband for comfort or support in the way you needed it, he might not have noticed and couldn't work on it with you. The REAL problem is that when it comes along, (your coworker) you of course don't have the will to say no, because you are not SO depressed that you would deny yourself the very things you have been craving for so long.

 

If you have a greater need for attention because of your past or whatever, it doesn't make you a "cowardly slut" to go get that from someone else other than your boyfriend.

 

But it does work both ways... have you thought about what he needs the most from you in this time? Chances are, it might be the very thing you are seeking in your coworker... only your boyfriend sounds like he's too busy to have the opportunity for something like that.

 

It really comes down to give and take. If you want your relationship with your boyfriend to change, you might have to be the one to initiate it. Give him what he needs now, and he will gladly return the favor i'm sure. Take some time away together...like a weekend away just to have good time together.

This OM sounds like a lusty fling. Even if its not, you haven't known him long enough for it to be more. (Again, if you don't put much into it, you won't feel too bad when you leave him and go back to your boyfriend with a new outlook on your relationship).

 

oh and yes, do get a job. the sooner the better. It will work wonders for your psychic health and stability.

 

best of luck!

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First of all, normal people do make mistakes. It's what makes us human. But your's has really snowballed on you.

 

I'm curious how you have kept up the appearance of working but not having any money coming in. Is OM not working yet either?

 

I know you have been with boyfriend long enough it feels like marriage but the simple fact is you are not. You need to get out of this relationship before you do marry him because it's the easiest thing to do & you feel guilty & like you have to.

 

You have been with him since you were 15. You are not the same person you were then. Idk. I think it's time to fess up for your own sanity & get out of the relationship with your boyfriend. Maybe a seperation is what you both need to see if there is anything left. Its a tough call for sure.

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whichwayisup

Great post IAP.

 

I'll add this, the sooner you own up to your mistakes, completely come clean, YOU will feel better. And sidenote here - It will make you grow up too as you'll be facing consquences and dealing with the fallout.

 

He may be real upset and even hate you, but atleast he'll respect you for coming clean. The longer you lie and hide it all, the worse off you'll be.

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i do agree that confessing will help you relieve some of that burden weighing you down. You are hiding so much, it must be eating you alive. I know when i had my affair it became obvious if i didn't confess i may just go insane. It did help me when i did. Honestly, not sure it helped my husband or not which only adds to my existing guilt for telling him about it if that makes any sense. :(

 

If you are planning on beaking it off with boyfriend, i'm not sure if i think telling him will do any good anyway. But if you break off with him & go directly to this other guy, he'll know & probably think less of you for not telling him. IDK, tough call really.

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Any comments or advice you have would be greatly appreciated. Just please help before I go insane!

 

Well you keep talking about the sex being so amazing. Of course it is. Its the first time you've been with someone new in 10 years. Sex will ALWAYS be amazing with someone else when you have been with the same person for so long.

 

Its like eating steak everyday....steak is great...but it will get old after a while...then you could eat a ham sandwich after 10 years of eating steak and think the ham sandwich is better than steak.

 

The point is, if thats the way you look at it, then you might want to consider never getting married. Because to you, the grass will always be greener on the other side.....that is until you've mowed it too many times.

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You have been with him since you were 15. You are not the same person you were then. .

 

Your right....she's much worse now.

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Confused as all other posts have said that you need to be HONEST by coming clean with your boyfriend. The first thing that I would secure is my lively hood and that is by working and keeping a job. Because when shyte hits the fan for you and no one wants you anymore, whether it be your BF you had 10 years with or the 41 year old man. You need to have that financial security for yourself! You must rethink a lot of things that are going on within your life!

 

Take a deep breath and be alone when your thinking about things and write all the things down on a piece of paper that are on your mind. From the way you feel to what you need to do to get your life back on track. My advice is to sit down with your boyfriend and tell him that you need to move on with your life. Be honest in the fact that your not happy with your relationship. You say that you both were together since high school, I figure the cheatings were due to the lack of dating other people and having other intimate relationships.

 

Notice that this is the moment in your life that you need to move on whether you decide to be with the 41 year old or being single. You need to understand that your BF's issues at home are not your obligations that you have to deal with. Given that you stay at the other man's place while you put on the facade of being gainfully employed. Your not helping him with what he is going through. So you have to be an adult to understand that he can handle it himself. So you shouldn't allow yourself to feel pity over his obligations that he upholds. Even if I see that he also needs help but thats another story in itself. So come clean and end the relationship and be pro active to get a job no matter what it is you have to do. Remember, don't be lazy! Don't even think you have a back up plan with this 41 year old in which he may cover you as you repay him with the oh so good sex!

 

Start thinking positive as you need to do things NOW not when you feel the storm has passed before or after you break up with your boyfriend. You need to do it NOW, if you need to live back at home with your parents in order to get you off your feet then do so. Be honest with them too that your not working and let them know about how you feel and what your going through. There your parents they love you and will do the best they can to help you. All you need to do is talk with them and listen! You need to start all over again having a positive mindset because life doesn't stop it continues on. Yes you have made your unwise decisions that has you to be labeled all the bad things in the book of names.

 

Although, your smart and you can get out of your situation by being pro-active and not giving in to lust and sex and things that are not healthy or morally giving you bad karma. Be alone and stay away from people and situations that are distractions. You need to have self discipline and that comes from being independent and confident in such that your not lazy! So....its up to you to take my advice, I hope you can turn your life around because you are at a state of mind that is dangerous not only to people around you but to yourself!

 

Hope this helps......

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The only way to get out of this is to drop both men and find a good counselor. You are looking for happiness in the wrong place. If it's not within' you, you can't expect others to make you happy.

 

You are also leading on both of these men, and that is wrong. It's finally catching upto you. If you expect things to change while you keep doing the same thing over and over, you will go insane and I can tell by your post it has already started.

 

For your own sanity, break out of both relationships. Find a counselor, pastor, friend someone who can be there for you on a regular basis along with posting on here.

 

Stop blaming depression for what you have done. This is your responsibility. Accept it, learn from it and make the decisions necessary to make this better.

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