Did you confront OM/OW?

[Melissa277]

Hey, after reading some of the last few posts, it got me wondering. Maybe this has been thrown around before and if so, I'm sorry and I sure don't want to bring up any old memories and pain, but did any of you ever confront the OM/OW and if you did, what happened? I never did and it's really bugging me. I had met her only once when H introduced us at a work function. After introducing us, he walked away and left me standing there with her, so naturally, I tried to make small talk with her. (What the hell, I'm a nice person.) She was a total bitch to me ... one word answers and such ... which I thought was weird at the time (but still nothing clicked ... God I am such a moron) and I mentioned it to him after we got home. He laughed and said "she's just a freakin' psycho." Of course, I didn't know about A at that time and now when I think back on that night, I just cringe. I left town on D-Day and she left town before I returned. One part of me wants to call her (I have her number ... it was on our caller ID) and get a bunch of things off my chest, but another part doesn't want to give her the satisfaction. Any thoughts?

[Lizzie60]

it is a waste of time/energy...

 

I was caught once by a W (I had no idea he was married then)... she caught us together. She was nice to me though. I never saw him again...I was just as pissed as she was... that was about 4 years ago... he called me several times after that... but it was over... I didn't want him back.

 

Another W caught our emails on his laptop (she had my number and my email) I never heard from her though.

 

If the W is nasty to the OW... then the OW can be 'extremely nastier' with the W...

 

So my advice...don't it might hurt you a lot more... you might have stuff to get off your chest, but she might say things that will 'sting' you even more.

[Trialbyfire]

Hey, after reading some of the last few posts, it got me wondering. Maybe this has been thrown around before and if so, I'm sorry and I sure don't want to bring up any old memories and pain, but did any of you ever confront the OM/OW and if you did, what happened? I never did and it's really bugging me. I had met her only once when H introduced us at a work function. After introducing us, he walked away and left me standing there with her, so naturally, I tried to make small talk with her. (What the hell, I'm a nice person.) She was a total bitch to me ... one word answers and such ... which I thought was weird at the time (but still nothing clicked ... God I am such a moron) and I mentioned it to him after we got home. He laughed and said "she's just a freakin' psycho." Of course, I didn't know about A at that time and now when I think back on that night, I just cringe. I left town on D-Day and she left town before I returned. One part of me wants to call her (I have her number ... it was on our caller ID) and get a bunch of things off my chest, but another part doesn't want to give her the satisfaction. Any thoughts?

I did and it was worth it's price in gold. She was one nasty piece of arse... No wonder she and the ex got along so well.

 

Too bad I don't do victim well. If someone is aggressive with my "B" side, I have no mercy.

[EnigmaXOXO]

I suppose the term “psycho” is relative to perception.

 

Husband introduces his wife to his mistress at a work function, then walks off leaving both women to play out his sadistic little charade.

 

Mistress tries to make “small talk” with unsuspecting wife who is completely oblivious that she’s being tag-teamed by two people playing her for a fool.

 

Wife doesn’t play “nice” with mistress who is just pretending to be a “good person” fellow employee. Perhaps a small part of wife’s intuition smelled a little something foul in the air and didn’t feel the need to be phony or pretentious like the other two players in this twisted little mind game.

 

And for that ... she’s suddenly the “psycho” bad guy instead of the husband or his mistress. (???)

 

In some small way, I do understand your desire to finally reveal your plot to this man’s wife. **The enemy of my enemy is my friend.**

 

The thing is ... she’s never been your enemy OR your friend. She’s been the victim.

 

My opinion ---- You’ve already done enough damage. Once and for all, leave this poor woman alone and learn how to accept you mistakes like a big girl and grow from them.

[Mr. Lucky]

My opinion ---- You’ve already done enough damage. Once and for all, leave this poor woman alone and learn how to accept you mistakes like a big girl and grow from them.

Interesting take, but not supported in any way, shape or form by the OP's story. Your post leaves me wondering what mistakes you think she has made?

 

Mr. Lucky

[Trialbyfire]

Interesting take, but not supported in any way, shape or form by the OP's story. Your post leaves me wondering what mistakes you think she has made?

 

Mr. Lucky

I think Enigma might be confused or maybe I am. Melissa is a betrayed spouse not an OW.

[Melissa277]

I suppose the term “psycho” is relative to perception.

 

Husband introduces his wife to his mistress at a work function, then walks off leaving both women to play out his sadistic little charade.

 

Mistress tries to make “small talk” with unsuspecting wife who is completely oblivious that she’s being tag-teamed by two people playing her for a fool.

 

Wife doesn’t play “nice” with mistress who is just pretending to be a “good person” fellow employee. Perhaps a small part of wife’s intuition smelled a little something foul in the air and didn’t feel the need to be phony or pretentious like the other two players in this twisted little mind game.

 

And for that ... she’s suddenly the “psycho” bad guy instead of the husband or his mistress. (???)

 

In some small way, I do understand your desire to finally reveal your plot to this man’s wife. **The enemy of my enemy is my friend.**

 

The thing is ... she’s never been your enemy OR your friend. She’s been the victim.

 

My opinion ---- You’ve already done enough damage. Once and for all, leave this poor woman alone and learn how to accept you mistakes like a big girl and grow from them.

 

What the hell are you talking about? I AM THE BETRAYED WIFE for God's sake. What damage did I do to her? I am the one trying to make small talk. I am the one trying to be nice to someone I just met. I had no idea the A was going on. OW is the one acting like a bitch to ME. I'm afraid I don't see your point.

 

And she's the victim? Man, you really know how to make a person feel better.

[Lynna]

I think that whether you confront her or not depends on you and your situation. I did confront the OW and then I came home and had a SERIOUS breakdown because MY actions and words made me feel terrible because I had let them and the affair turn me into someone I never wanted to be. Heck I was even suicidal that night afterward. Boy did that freak out my husband who took care of me that whole night! So I am glad you are thinking about it, and think about how that will make you feel. I confronted her the day after dday, in retrospect I should have waited longer. I still would have done it, but I would have done it in a way that kept me from becoming a person I don't want to be.

 

But that is just me. Everyone is different. Some people need to confront the other person and that is okay, they certainly deserve it if they knew that your spouse was married! But you do have to be careful and go about it the right way. If you do anything that is even vaguely threatening, from words you say to even touching them, they could try and sue you or have you arrested. So you have to be careful, make sure that you don't put things in writing or leave messages on the answering machine, or at least have someone with you who can witness your side of the situation.

[EnigmaXOXO]

I must apologize.

 

After reading again, it seems you are the wife in this situation (???) and I was all too eager to jump to your defense at the thought of your husband and his girlfriend calling you the “psycho” in light of the game that they were both playing on you. Sometimes I’m just waaaaay too eager to champion the victims of these situations. Especially when they’re not around to speak for themselves. And it seems to happen so often on these boards.

 

If you and your husband have decided to stay together and work on the marriage, than obtaining certain facts from the other woman might help to shed some light on the truth of what was really going on. But these facts might also hurt the marital recovery process if there are some things you couldn’t bare to know.

 

If you have already dissolved the marriage, than there is no need to dig up all the pain from the past. You’d simply be going backwards instead of forward. Hanging onto the not-so-nice things that people have done to you will only keep you “stuck” in that very unhappy place.

 

Again, I apologize that I misunderstood your original thread. Was already in the process of typing this before the other responses came rolling in. Thanks to everyone for calling it to my attention!

 

....I’ll wipe the tomatoe off my face and slink off now... :o

[jj2007]

Hey, after reading some of the last few posts, it got me wondering. Maybe this has been thrown around before and if so, I'm sorry and I sure don't want to bring up any old memories and pain, but did any of you ever confront the OM/OW and if you did, what happened? I never did and it's really bugging me. I had met her only once when H introduced us at a work function. After introducing us, he walked away and left me standing there with her, so naturally, I tried to make small talk with her. (What the hell, I'm a nice person.) She was a total bitch to me ... one word answers and such ... which I thought was weird at the time (but still nothing clicked ... God I am such a moron) and I mentioned it to him after we got home. He laughed and said "she's just a freakin' psycho." Of course, I didn't know about A at that time and now when I think back on that night, I just cringe. I left town on D-Day and she left town before I returned. One part of me wants to call her (I have her number ... it was on our caller ID) and get a bunch of things off my chest, but another part doesn't want to give her the satisfaction. Any thoughts?

 

I was going to leave well enough alone because my H's OW is also married with 2 kids. But I had enough when she started calling my house in the middle of the night while my family was trying to sleep. I picked up the phone and asked her why in the hell she was calling my house (H was asleep on the couch) and she would just hang up. So after she did that about 4 times I could not go back to sleep anyway so I called her back and told her that she was nothing but trash and if she didn't stop calling my house I would be sure to call and have a chat with her husband while he was awake. She said,"****!" hung up the phone, and I haven't heard from her since.

[VirtualInsanity]

I was going to leave well enough alone because my H's OW is also married with 2 kids. But I had enough when she started calling my house in the middle of the night while my family was trying to sleep. I picked up the phone and asked her why in the hell she was calling my house (H was asleep on the couch) and she would just hang up. So after she did that about 4 times I could not go back to sleep anyway so I called her back and told her that she was nothing but trash and if she didn't stop calling my house I would be sure to call and have a chat with her husband while he was awake. She said,"****!" hung up the phone, and I haven't heard from her since.

 

I don't blame you. But I would have taken it further and hold her H.

[Pilgrim]

Hey Melissa

 

I have been in contact with the OM but mine is an atypical situation.

 

If had been in a situation where I would not naturally come into contact with the OM, I still think what it is good to do is write to them. You dont necessarily ever need to post the letter if you fear it would be in some way used against you, but it is good to get it down and articulate what you would want to say. Cathartic. (or perhaps I'm weird)

[lrae]

Hey, after reading some of the last few posts, it got me wondering. Maybe this has been thrown around before and if so, I'm sorry and I sure don't want to bring up any old memories and pain, but did any of you ever confront the OM/OW and if you did, what happened? I never did and it's really bugging me. I had met her only once when H introduced us at a work function. After introducing us, he walked away and left me standing there with her, so naturally, I tried to make small talk with her. (What the hell, I'm a nice person.) She was a total bitch to me ... one word answers and such ... which I thought was weird at the time (but still nothing clicked ... God I am such a moron) and I mentioned it to him after we got home. He laughed and said "she's just a freakin' psycho." Of course, I didn't know about A at that time and now when I think back on that night, I just cringe. I left town on D-Day and she left town before I returned. One part of me wants to call her (I have her number ... it was on our caller ID) and get a bunch of things off my chest, but another part doesn't want to give her the satisfaction. Any thoughts?

 

I did confront her. I didn't regret it, not ever!! I felt empowered by doing something for myself about the trash and drama my H had invited into our lives.

 

Just be careful about what you are expecting to get out of the confrontation!! If you are expecting the "truth"? Generally speaking, the OW/OM can be no more honest (with you) than your cheating S could be.

 

If you are expecting a "sorry"? You won't get it - they never respected you or your marriage then, why would they start now?

 

If you want to deliver the "set down" of the century - don't bother! They excel at being the victim and at playing dirty to get what they feel they are entitled to.

 

Above all, don't turn all scary stalker and get put up on charges!! That won't make you feel any better! But does the OW/OM deserve to squirm a little, abso-****in-lutely!! It just requires a little class and clear thinking.

[Trialbyfire]

If you want to deliver the "set down" of the century - don't bother! They excel at being the victim and at playing dirty to get what they feel they are entitled to.

Not if you herd them in the direction you want...

[Ripples]

Yes, I confronted both the OW that I knew about (there were probably more). The way I handled it probably wasn't very healthy - I gave them the opportunity to lie their arses off, they told me all kinds of things about their lurrrvvee for each other, what they'd done, where they'd been. I was able to invalidate a lot of what they'd said and thus I feel that most if not all of what they told me was a lie. But it left me shaken for quite a while afterwards. So, I'd advise that you don't give her the opportunity to say anything; instead, give her everything you've got!

[wellanydaynow]

I contacted OM, scared the living s.....t out of him. The ugly, short, fat, bald S.O.B. For me it felt wonderful. He later apologized, said he would never contact/communicate with my W again. Only time will tell. W however never did, or has yet apologized for her actions. I catch them at "it" once more, OM/W hears from me as well, then my lawyer.

[LucreziaBorgia]

A long time ago, there was an OW who happened to be my best friend. She slept with a guy that she KNEW I was with when I went out of town for some work training. I came back, and met the guy in the coffeeshop where he worked, and the OW was there. I knew immediately. I can't explain how I knew, but I knew. I sat with her and chatted a bit, and then went into the back to see the guy. He was acting weird, so I knew something was up.

 

I told him that I would see him back at my place when he got off of work, and I went back out and said 'bye' to OW. On my way out to the parking lot, two of my friends stopped me and told me that OW and the guy hooked up at a party that previous weekend when I was gone. I wasn't surprised to hear it. When the guy got back to my place, I asked him if he wanted me to scratch his back for him. I lifted up his shirt, and there were gouge marks across his back. I asked him what they were from, and he said 'I must have done it in my sleep'. I simply asked, did OW do this to you? And he said 'how did you know?!' - I said... you just told me.

 

The next day, I went to where OW worked and asked her what the f*ck was up, and she confessed it completely - went so far as to tell me that he was a lousy lay, etc. She tried very hard to get me to hit her. She kept saying 'don't you want to hit me'? I did not. I knew what her deal was. She wanted me to hit her so that she could have me arrested. I told her exactly what I thought of her, and how I felt that she would stab me in the back that way after all we had been through together. She apologized, and tried to make it look like all his fault, but unfortunately being her best friend I knew her 'technique' and that she had used it far too many times, on many couples that we knew. I pretty much didn't talk to her after that.

 

I got the guy pretty good too. After that, he and I talked a lot about it and I happened to know she had HPV. I asked him if he went down on her, and he said yes. With my most serious face, I told him about the warts and that he would now get them on his lips, on his tongue, that they would grow in his throat and on the inside of his mouth and on his face, and would eventually choke off his breathing and would have to have them burned off from the inside out. He turned white as a sheet. I found that grimly amusing. Years later he got STD testing, and everything came up negative but I did give him something to be scared about.

 

A while after that, she was with her boyfriend and the both of them got struck my lightening. Not hurt badly or anything, but I did take a very perverse pleasure in that. I would have felt bad if she died, though.

[Darth Vader]

I don't blame you. But I would have taken it further and hold her H.

 

 

I agree, you should tell her husband anyway, it'll keep her busy!

[Trialbyfire]

I got the guy pretty good too. After that, he and I talked a lot about it and I happened to know she had HPV. I asked him if he went down on her, and he said yes. With my most serious face, I told him about the warts and that he would now get them on his lips, on his tongue, that they would grow in his throat and on the inside of his mouth and on his face, and would eventually choke off his breathing and would have to have them burned off from the inside out. He turned white as a sheet. I found that grimly amusing. Years later he got STD testing, and everything came up negative but I did give him something to be scared about.

 

A while after that, she was with her boyfriend and the both of them got struck my lightening. Not hurt badly or anything, but I did take a very perverse pleasure in that. I would have felt bad if she died, though.

:lmao:

 

Karma is a biatch!!

[believinZ]

I think that whether you confront her or not depends on you and your situation. I did confront the OW and then I came home and had a SERIOUS breakdown because MY actions and words made me feel terrible because I had let them and the affair turn me into someone I never wanted to be. Heck I was even suicidal that night afterward. Boy did that freak out my husband who took care of me that whole night! So I am glad you are thinking about it, and think about how that will make you feel. I confronted her the day after dday, in retrospect I should have waited longer. I still would have done it, but I would have done it in a way that kept me from becoming a person I don't want to be.

 

But that is just me. Everyone is different. Some people need to confront the other person and that is okay, they certainly deserve it if they knew that your spouse was married! But you do have to be careful and go about it the right way. If you do anything that is even vaguely threatening, from words you say to even touching them, they could try and sue you or have you arrested. So you have to be careful, make sure that you don't put things in writing or leave messages on the answering machine, or at least have someone with you who can witness your side of the situation.

You know... this is very interesting to me. D-day for me was last February. I sort of went into a sort of shock and deep deep depression. So, i just sort of went through things every day and tried to ... I dont know ... get back to "normal". I made my H write the OW a letter telling her he was in love w/me and she was nothing more than a horrid mistake and to never contact him again. BUT, now... now that I am "better" and thinking more clearly... i SO want to confront her. I dont feel like I will have closure until I do... especially since she is my H's brother's neighbor... the family sees her often.. I never have that I remember anyhow. BUT, I want to call her and let her know how much she has hurt this family and what the hell was she thinking... SO... do you suppose there is a time limit as to when you should call maybe too soon as you mention, but is there a "too late" also... I really struggle with this! Opinions???

[Melissa277]

I must apologize.

 

After reading again, it seems you are the wife in this situation (???) and I was all too eager to jump to your defense at the thought of your husband and his girlfriend calling you the “psycho” in light of the game that they were both playing on you. Sometimes I’m just waaaaay too eager to champion the victims of these situations. Especially when they’re not around to speak for themselves. And it seems to happen so often on these boards.

 

If you and your husband have decided to stay together and work on the marriage, than obtaining certain facts from the other woman might help to shed some light on the truth of what was really going on. But these facts might also hurt the marital recovery process if there are some things you couldn’t bare to know.

 

If you have already dissolved the marriage, than there is no need to dig up all the pain from the past. You’d simply be going backwards instead of forward. Hanging onto the not-so-nice things that people have done to you will only keep you “stuck” in that very unhappy place.

 

Again, I apologize that I misunderstood your original thread. Was already in the process of typing this before the other responses came rolling in. Thanks to everyone for calling it to my attention!

 

....I’ll wipe the tomatoe off my face and slink off now... :o

 

Okay Enigma, apology accepted. And don't slink off, wipe the tomato off your face, but don't slink off. I do have to say though, that I was ready to jump out the window when I read that I had done enough damage to "her" already. LOL!

 

But, like you after re-reading (is there such a word?) what you said, I realize that you were sticking up for me, even if it was a little mixed up. So thank you.

 

I guess my problem is that he just won't say anything ... absolutely nothing other than it was all OW's fault and he was a stupid f*ck. I often wonder what she would think if she knew that he blamed EVERYTHING on her. He just refuses to acknowledge anything other than she came on to him, he f*cked her and then she wouldn't leave him alone. It's driving me to drink. In fact, I think I'll go have a Corona right now.

[Melissa277]

God d*mn I wanna call that skank ho homewreckin' beyatch. Oh, wait a minute, I don't have to call ... he's sittin' on the couch watchin' TV. Talk to me people ... talk to me.

[Curmudgeon]

Absolutely, positively NOT! To do so would have inferred that I still cared. As far as I was concerned, he was welcome to her. That was my gain and his loss. He was now stuck with her.

[Lynna]

You know... this is very interesting to me. D-day for me was last February. I sort of went into a sort of shock and deep deep depression. So, i just sort of went through things every day and tried to ... I dont know ... get back to "normal". I made my H write the OW a letter telling her he was in love w/me and she was nothing more than a horrid mistake and to never contact him again. BUT, now... now that I am "better" and thinking more clearly... i SO want to confront her. I dont feel like I will have closure until I do... especially since she is my H's brother's neighbor... the family sees her often.. I never have that I remember anyhow. BUT, I want to call her and let her know how much she has hurt this family and what the hell was she thinking... SO... do you suppose there is a time limit as to when you should call maybe too soon as you mention, but is there a "too late" also... I really struggle with this! Opinions???

 

I would say that a year and a half is still pretty fresh, not too late. You are still dealing with the issues it brought up, why shouldn't she have to deal with them too.

[Lynna]

God d*mn I wanna call that skank ho homewreckin' beyatch. Oh, wait a minute, I don't have to call ... he's sittin' on the couch watchin' TV. Talk to me people ... talk to me.

 

Hang in there Melissa! Open up a word processing program on your computer and start ranting, or pull out paper and pencil, whichever you prefer. Pour it all out, everything you feel, everything you want to say to either of them, let it go, drench the paper or the screen in what you are feeling. Then burn it (carefully!!!!) and let the fire help you cleanse so you can figure out what you really want to do and say and how you want to go about it.