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Here's my story....

5 years ago, out of the blue, I got an email from an old boyfriend. We saw each other while in college in the early 70s, and again in the early 80s. "Saw each other" is really a euphemism for "had sex"; consider the times. We began an online correspondence that pretty quickly turned sexual in nature. At that time it was purely the stuff of fantasy; neither of us really thought anything would come of it and, curiously, it improved my sex life with my husband. Over time the sexual aspect of the online relationship declined and most of our conversations were just friends type stuff-- what our kids were doing, what was going on at work, that kind of thing. Only occasionally did sexy stuff come up, and often more at my instigation than his. Fast forward to this year. He and his wife began having real problems based on horrific issues with their children, which I won't go into here. She pulled away from him and has effectively moved out of their home with one of their (grown) sons. He's been bereft-- they've been married 26 years, and he really believed that it was til death did them part. He's poured out a lot of his pain to me, including his sexual frustration, and that triggered the return of an overtly sexual tone to our conversations. Well, one thing led to another and we have now consummated the previously virtual relationship.

 

I am very happy with my husband, and we have a really good sex life (we're both in our 50s and that means at least 2X a week, sometimes more). I am not in love with the old boyfriend, nor is he with me, and we have made that clear to each other. So why did this happen? Ego, mostly, and my sincere desire to comfort him during what really is an awful time for him (spousal issues apart).

 

But here's the thing-- I really don't feel guilty about what we are doing. I would never want my spouse to find out and I don't anticipate that this will go on long. When I'm not with the other guy I don't miss him and my husband and I get along just as we always have-- maybe even a little better because I'm feeling a little better about myself. I truly think I can handle this for as long as it lasts with no repercussions, and when it's over walk away.

 

Does anybody have any experience with something similar? I've done all the research, so truthfully you don't need to tell me what I'm doing is wrong and that I should immediately tell my spouse and make a clean breast of it. That's not going to happen. I'd just like to hear from anyone who has been through something like this, and if you were able to maintain the separateness successfully, and if not why not.

 

Long winded, aren't I? Sorry.

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4whatItsWorth

Well, I do not think it is fair on your husband at all. I think you try to make exuses by saying "I was comforting him during his hard times." - But there were better ways of doing that like offering friendship or a shoulder to cry on.

 

I think something must have been wrong in your marriage because otherwise you would not have even had cyber-sex in the first place. I suggest you quit fiddling around with that man, you can have exposed your husband to an STD for what you know. Also, cervix cancer increase with the number of sexual partners a woman has had...unprotected. You didn't say if it was unprotected or not...

 

Main point, stop this and work on your marriage. I find it sad you feel no guilt. You SHOULD.

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Curiously, I don't mind hearing the rather direct criticism from you or from AnyDayNow. There's not a soul that I know that I can talk to about this, and even though you are strangers I think maybe I need to hear your blunt talk. Thanks for that, though I'm not sure I'm ready to rot in hell yet.

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mockeryjones

just curious, what do you think will happen if and when your husband finds out about your extramarital activities?

 

are you prepared to accept the consequences of your actions?

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wellanydaynow

Out of the "blue" he e-mails you... bull. Although spammers are good at guessing e-mail addsresses, me thinks OM finding yours was no accident...

 

also if your H is a smart fella, he WILL find you two out.. your actions and neglect will betray you.

 

Waste no more time with OM, break all (100%) contact close all e-mail accounts, and apply all your energy to your current relationship. If you can't do that then end it, so you H can move on also.

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"Out of the blue" meant I wasn't expecting or doing anything to reestablish contact; he found me on my high school alumni website. I was stupid to think he just wanted to chat, but that horse is out of the barn.

 

On many levels I know you are right, but here's the thing: I don't want to end it. It's incredibly flattering. It's exciting. It's lovely to be thought of as desirable and worth pursuing; my dear husband is a good man on many levels, but he just doesn't get the romance thing at all. Point is, I want to have my cake and eat it too. How about if I just don't have sex with him anymore? (I know, I'm bargaining here.....)

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wellanydaynow

Of course it was exciting, you were flattered, he gave your ego a big boost! You feel intitled, and not guilty... that is what happens in om/ow hookups. It is pure selfishness... nothing more

 

can you have your cake and eat it too? Yes, some couples enter into open relationships.. however the same rules have to apply to your BH.

 

If you are not ready to let BH play also,,, then stop

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wellanydaynow

He doesn't get the romance thing? Well what about you. R are 50-50 deals. Sometimes we get a warm and fuzzy with our current R and the little things we did early in our R get neglected. That is why the OM deal with you is so addictive.

 

Make the effort.... If he doesn't get "it", then show him.

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DH would have no interest in an open relationship of any sort. Nor do I, long term. This is just a one time thing. I don't know why I don't have the strength to end this, or the strength to have avoided it in the first place. Darn right I'm being selfish. No justification for it. But it's incredibly intoxicating and addictive nonetheless.

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He doesn't get the romance thing? Well what about you. R are 50-50 deals. Sometimes we get a warm and fuzzy with our current R and the little things we did early in our R get neglected. That is why the OM deal with you is so addictive.

 

Make the effort.... If he doesn't get "it", then show him.

 

If only you knew. Lingerie. Champagne and candles when he gets home from work. All those things guys like in bed that women traditionally do like to do. And no, this isn't just recent behavior; I've been this way more or less the entire time we've been together. He always enjoys it in the moment but there's never any kind of reciprocation (no flowers, cards, not even a sweet phone call during the day). Now, none of that justifies my actions, I know, but I just didn't want you to think I was totally complacent about the relationship with my spouse.

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whichwayisup
I am in an almost identical situation as your wife. Trust me, they are going to have sex. Don't be an idiot; if you want to keep her get between her and this guy any way you have to.

 

This is your quote from gullible's thread. I wish you would pretend that HE is your husband...This way you can see and understand the PAIN you'll be inflicting on your husband. Go read some threads in this section, to see what betrayed spouses feel when they find out their partner of xx amount of years has cheated on them. Your H doesn't deserve this! Are you willing to throw away so many years of marriage for a flame from the past? Some hot sex? See into the future, not just in the heat of the moment.

 

If your H isn't meeting your needs and you're unhappy, TALK to him, go to marriage counselling...Or divorce him. Just don't cheat on him!!

 

You ARE being selfish, and if you don't wake UP NOW, you'll be posting on the OW/OM boards, wishing that you never entered an affair. Go read in that section too, see what you're up against.

 

I hope that you tell the old flame goodbye and focus on your marriage.

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What exactly is it about yourself that you do not like that caused you go to OM?

Great question. I wish I knew.

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This is your quote from gullible's thread. I wish you would pretend that HE is your husband...This way you can see and understand the PAIN you'll be inflicting on your husband. Go read some threads in this section, to see what betrayed spouses feel when they find out their partner of xx amount of years has cheated on them. Your H doesn't deserve this! Are you willing to throw away so many years of marriage for a flame from the past? Some hot sex? See into the future, not just in the heat of the moment.

 

If your H isn't meeting your needs and you're unhappy, TALK to him, go to marriage counselling...Or divorce him. Just don't cheat on him!!

 

You ARE being selfish, and if you don't wake UP NOW, you'll be posting on the OW/OM boards, wishing that you never entered an affair. Go read in that section too, see what you're up against.

 

I hope that you tell the old flame goodbye and focus on your marriage.

 

I'm pretty sure H won't find out. That being said, I know that's no excuse for continuing this A. I know this is wrong, and it's not that I'm unhappy in my R with H. I can't for the life of me understand why it doesn't bother me more.

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How would you feel if your husband was doing to you what you are doing to him? You are totally disrespecting your husband and your marriage and you have not even the least bit of guilt. If your husband was humiliating and disrespecting you by continually screwing an ex-girlfriend behind your back I am sure you would have a different perspective. How sad for your husband that he has wife who sees nothing wrong with having sex with another man behind his back. You really have to have a broken moral compass to rationalize this. Again how do you think you would be feeling if the roles were reversed? It probably would never happen to you because you husband has too much respect for you. How sad that you have such little respect for your husband.

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I'm pretty sure H won't find out.

 

considering you are talking about this in a public forum, you have had tons of email communication with your OM, and you are continuing the affair i'd say your chances of not getting found out are somewhere between slim and none.

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whichwayisup
I'm pretty sure H won't find out. That being said, I know that's no excuse for continuing this A. I know this is wrong, and it's not that I'm unhappy in my R with H. I can't for the life of me understand why it doesn't bother me more.

 

Pretty sure? You never know...Maybe that is what has to happen. Your H to find out so you can feel consquences of your choices and actions. You cannot even fathom what he will go through, and to be honest, I don't think you want to, that way you can justify your selfish actions in your mind.

 

Take the blinders off and THINK of your husband and children! (If you have kids.)

 

Good reply by Bryanp.

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To all:

How devastating, yet fascinating, to hear how other people view me, at least within the context of this interchange. I really am not a horrible person, though I surely understand why you think so. I respect, love and admire my H, though you likely don't believe that either. There's no justification for what I'm doing. What I'm trying to do is understand it and myself, and why I seem to disconnect these two aspects of my life. HOw can I compartmentalize this so neatly? What is that that's wrong with me that I don't see the situation as simply and clearly as a bunch of strangers does? I think that understanding is fundamental to my ending this thing the OM.

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Darth Vader
"Out of the blue" meant I wasn't expecting or doing anything to reestablish contact; he found me on my high school alumni website. I was stupid to think he just wanted to chat, but that horse is out of the barn.

 

On many levels I know you are right, but here's the thing: I don't want to end it. It's incredibly flattering. It's exciting. It's lovely to be thought of as desirable and worth pursuing; my dear husband is a good man on many levels, but he just doesn't get the romance thing at all. Point is, I want to have my cake and eat it too. How about if I just don't have sex with him anymore? (I know, I'm bargaining here.....)

 

 

Are you Blond? Anyway, what if your husband was doing this to you, how would you feel? So you already had sex with this, whatever? Let your husband go, you're being selfish, you may lose your home, your children. Don't you care at all if your husband is hurt by this, commits suicide because of your actions?

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corazoncito
What I'm trying to do is understand it and myself, and why I seem to disconnect these two aspects of my life. HOw can I compartmentalize this so neatly?

 

Because if you didn't, you'd have to face the fact that you should stop the affair.

 

But right now, it feels good, and you don't want end it.

 

What is that that's wrong with me that I don't see the situation as simply and clearly as a bunch of strangers does?

 

You haven't gotten caught yet. If you do, I guarantee, you and your husband will be plunged into a new world of hurt you can't imagine now, whether you're ready for it or not. Reality will reimpose itself on you with lightening speed the first opportunity it gets.

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Well, for what it's worth, this wasn't a troll and I'm not a blond (and that was a cheap shot). I guess it was unreasonable to expect even an iota of compassion, or maybe I just showed up in the wrong forum. Later......

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Darth Vader
Well, for what it's worth, this wasn't a troll and I'm not a blond (and that was a cheap shot). I guess it was unreasonable to expect even an iota of compassion, or maybe I just showed up in the wrong forum. Later......

 

 

So much for that! She doesn't care about anyone but herself! Well, it's not her husbands fault, I just hope he finds out sooner than later, like 20 years later. If you think that was a cheap shot, not in comparison of you riding another man at your husbands expense, and not letting your husband go!

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hurting_in_nw
But here's the thing-- I really don't feel guilty about what we are doing. I would never want my spouse to find out and I don't anticipate that this will go on long.

 

You will feel guilty when your husband does find out and you see how much it destroys him.

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