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Winning back a wayward spouse.......


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Old 30th May 2007, 10:37 AM   #1
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Question Winning back a wayward spouse.......

So, I found out my husband was pretty deep into an affair with a woman he had met when his job took him to another state for months on end. He was coming home every six to eight months, only to stay for a couple of weeks at a time. We also had a newborn when all this started. To top things off, I also found out that the OW had moved to the state that we reside in when my husband took a job that would keep him at home instead of being so far away.

I received some very good advice and kind words to my first post. I have currently been looking over information found on the Marriage Builders website. If anyone is familiar with it, I found my situation to be somewhat similar to the one in the letter "Unfaithful Husband #3". Now, of course I have not been "little miss sunshine" lately, it is hard to be when you know the man you thought you would be with for the rest of your life is in love with another woman. So Dr. Harley suggests, as a first step, to be the best wife you can possibly be. To try to win the wayward spouse back with kindness and compassion. No more "raincloud". Just as the lady in the letter, I do believe that my husband has quit seeing the other woman, but I do know he still talks to her on occasion. And now that I have received feedback from others who have been in the same boat, I understand that some of his moodiness and sadness is because he is going through "withdrawal".

So, I guess I would like to know who has gone through this before and how do you go through this? I am preparing myself mentally. Dr. Harley suggests about a six month period of the "best wife" phase, and then if things don't change and the wayward spouse still won't initiate no contact, then I need to set down my ultimatum. I would like to hear about other experiences with this and how you were able to set aside the hurt and anger in an effort to win your spouse back, especially when you know they are hurting for the company of someone else.
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Old 30th May 2007, 12:15 PM   #2
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I do believe that my husband has quit seeing the other woman, but I do know he still talks to her on occasion.
There is no chance at reconciliation or winning back your husband as long as he is in contact with the OW in any way, shape or form. Its like a crackhead and crack. You don't break the habit by smoking smaller chunks, or smoking it less frequently. You can only break the addiction by ridding your system of it completely, and not partaking in any form.

That said, I do agree that it is easier to draw flies with honey than vinegar, but if this fly is still buzzing around a certain pile, he won't pay attention to the vinegar OR the honey.

There has got to be a way to establish NC with the OW, either through exposure or threat of a great loss to your WH.

Affairs don't end for altruistic reasons. You can be wife of the year, and it won't keep him away from the OW. The affair has to be forced to end - and the only way to force it is to either expose the OW or let your H know that you will divorce him if he contacts her in any way, shape or form.

He can't and won't reconcile with you as long as he has the crack in his system. Detox first, reconciliation second.
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Old 30th May 2007, 7:19 PM   #3
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I agree with LB and all the experts, there should be absolutely NC between your H and the OW.

Now that I have that out of my system, I'll tell you that sometimes you can't get that and the marriage can still survive. I discovered many months after my discovery of the A that this whore actually worked with my h in a relatively small office. Their jobs bring them into direct contact with one another. In addition, she continued for at least 6 months to corner him and have it out over his ending the A and how she felt used. Truth be told, she really used him more to try and get out of a stale marriage. Anyway, it has been both better and harder knowing he sees her.

When I found out, he told her all non-work contact was over. No calls, no lunches and he attempted to have no conversations about the H. He said it was 3 to 4 weeks of this before he really felt the addition subsiding and began to stop longing to have a personal relationship with her. It has drawn out our recovery, no doubt.

The worst part was it caused the lying to continue, because he tried to keep me from finding out she worked with him. The continuation of the lies and sharing secrets with her was the most damaging to our relationship and we are still getting through that part. Your H will feel better in the long run if he breaks it off completely.

Let me tell you though, she will not make it easy on him. She will work her hardest to make him feel guilty, to feel like he owes her the conversations and get togethers, and she will be unrelenting. He needs to understand that you understand this, but you have to create a sense that you are on the same team with him and that you both have to work hard to regain your trust in one another.

See if he will read After the Affair with you. It will help him to see what is going on so much better.
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Old 31st May 2007, 7:26 PM   #4
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I have come to realize that there can be no full reconciliation without complete no contact. I am just wondering if calming the waters at home a bit might help to alleviate some of the tension between the two of us.

From one day to the next it is completely different emotionally.

What really bothers me so much is the fact that before we were married, he and I talked about what it meant to us. He was so sure of the fact that he did not want to walk in his father's footsteps and put his family through such pain, because he remembers what it was like. It makes me so angry that he can "love" this OW so much, when she is helping him walk down the road that he was so afraid of repeating with his wife and child. I am completely fighting the urge right now to contact her, yet again, and give her something to think about. But, I know she most likely won't care.
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Old 1st June 2007, 8:09 AM   #5
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Originally Posted by raincloud View Post
I am completely fighting the urge right now to contact her, yet again, and give her something to think about. But, I know she most likely won't care.
Don't contact her, it will only give her ammunition to use against you.

It sounds like your husband is confused - or at least confusing. Has he said he wants to make your marriage work? But he's still seeing the OW?

Has he agreed to marriage counseling?
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Old 1st June 2007, 8:18 AM   #6
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He should be the one trying to win you back not the other way around. You can do much better than him.
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Old 1st June 2007, 9:08 AM   #7
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This Dr. Harley is completely ridiculous....

So Dr. Harley suggests, as a first step, to be the best wife you can possibly be.

Just like Dr. John Gray (who say that whenever you're not satisfied with your husband's behaviour, congratulate him every time he does something nice instead of nagging when he doesn't..blablabla...in the meantime you do everything... and he does nothing... smart duh!!!).

These doctors are MEN for god's sake... they will tell you to be nice, let them walk all over you... and maybe, just maybe...in 6 months he will get tired of the OW and run back to you... until he finds someone else again. This is soooo silly, really.

No... you need to put your foot down and tell him what YOU WANT HIM to do...which is absolutely no more contact with this woman...
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Old 1st June 2007, 9:10 AM   #8
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This Dr. Harley is completely ridiculous....

So Dr. Harley suggests, as a first step, to be the best wife you can possibly be.

Just like Dr. John Gray (who say that whenever you're not satisfied with your husband's behaviour, congratulate him every time he does something nice instead of nagging when he doesn't..blablabla...in the meantime you do everything... and he does nothing... smart duh!!!).

These doctors are MEN for god's sake... they will tell you to be nice, let them walk all over you... and maybe, just maybe...in 6 months he will get tired of the OW and run back to you... until he finds someone else again. This is soooo silly, really.

No... you need to put your foot down and tell him what YOU WANT HIM to do...which is absolutely no more contact with this woman...
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Old 1st June 2007, 9:31 AM   #9
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Originally Posted by silktricks View Post
Don't contact her, it will only give her ammunition to use against you.

It sounds like your husband is confused - or at least confusing. Has he said he wants to make your marriage work? But he's still seeing the OW?

Has he agreed to marriage counseling?
Confused and confusing. Yes, he SAID he wants to make the marriage work. I don't believe he is seeing her anymore, just talking. She lives about an hour away from our town....when she moved here she basically left all her family and friends behind. He feels guilty for her moving out here with no one to count on if she gets in a bind. I told him that was her fault for "falling in love" with a MARRIED MAN. She's an adult.

I'm working on the counseling.
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Old 1st June 2007, 9:39 AM   #10
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Omg

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Originally Posted by raincloud View Post
Confused and confusing. Yes, he SAID he wants to make the marriage work. I don't believe he is seeing her anymore, just talking. She lives about an hour away from our town....when she moved here she basically left all her family and friends behind. He feels guilty for her moving out here with no one to count on if she gets in a bind. I told him that was her fault for "falling in love" with a MARRIED MAN. She's an adult.

I'm working on the counseling.
He feels guilty for her moving out here with no one to count on if she gets in a bind.

He feels sorry for her... aaahhhh and he owes her his support..
She's an hour away... that's nothing... are you always with him 24/7?
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Old 1st June 2007, 9:46 AM   #11
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Confused and confusing. Yes, he SAID he wants to make the marriage work. I don't believe he is seeing her anymore, just talking. She lives about an hour away from our town....when she moved here she basically left all her family and friends behind. He feels guilty for her moving out here with no one to count on if she gets in a bind. I told him that was her fault for "falling in love" with a MARRIED MAN. She's an adult.

I'm working on the counseling.
I think you are being a bit too understanding with him.

He is only talking to her............. and that is ok with you?

Does he not feel guilty about the lies he told you and moving his lover to be near him?

Tell him to either quit talking to her or go move in with her....... you will see him in court........ get his ass to MC/IC or you will see him in court.

He is walking all over you because you let him. He is also the father of your child and he should be considering what will happen if he leaves his child in a bind...... what no guilt there for him?

He is not a noble/ nice person for wanting to "help" his OW if she gets in a bind.... he is an ass for doing what he did to both of you and your child. He is an adult as well..... time to start seeing that he needs to be responsible for his choices and he needs to get off his cheating ass and put effort in to fix the M. His choice..... you or her, make the choice and take action on the choice immediatley, if not sooner.

If he wants to be with her..... let him.
But do not let him walk all over you and keep playing with your life and your childs life.

He needs to crap or get off the pot.

Not to try to hurt you, but you are being as wishy washy as he is about this.........or so it would seem from your posts.

What is stopping you from being more "aggressive" about your position in this mess? Are you in fear of something?
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Old 1st June 2007, 12:49 PM   #12
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I think you are being a bit too understanding with him.

Not to try to hurt you, but you are being as wishy washy as he is about this.........or so it would seem from your posts.
You know, your right.
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Old 1st June 2007, 7:31 PM   #13
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Not to try to hurt you, but you are being as wishy washy as he is about this.........or so it would seem from your posts.

Yes, I am being "wishy-washy", but that is the mental state of many people who find out their spouse is cheating. It is such an emotional journey from one day to the next. I know that the fog will clear eventually and I will be able to see straight again, but right now I am just trying to find my way. That is why I came to this forum. I was hoping to get some "words of wisdom" from others who have been in my shoes. To talk with others who share the same pain that I am feeling. It isn't easy, especially with children involved. But, the truth is that while many of us have shared the same types of roller coaster rides, we can't feel what the person on the other end of the computer is feeling...it isn't something we can put our hands on and touch. We don't know the specifics of each others lives. Maybe I am counting too much on LoveShack and doctors who don't know what they are talking about.
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Old 1st June 2007, 8:15 PM   #14
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I think what the others are trying to tell you is that you dont have to kiss his ass, he should be kissing yours. Certianly not the OW's. You cant give control to someone who is not in control. Its risky and dangerous.

Still, it takes some on again off again approach to ending an affair. (I've had a few d-days) some WS have to learn the hard way.

You have to be prepared to deal with the fact that he may just be cooling his heels until he has all his ducks in a row for divorce too. You have to be prepared for the fact he may still be seeing her intimately. You have to be prepared for the fact that his affair is not over.

It's hard for them to let go of their affair partner and its even harder to be their spouse watching them withdrawing from the affair and knowing you can do nothing about it. You will also pass through stages of emotions.

I'm not too keen on marriagebuilders, because once the reconcilliation honeymoon ends, your grief will still be misplaced. It will build up and then you will lose it eventually. For now, dont put up with anything you dont want to accept. Nobody in their right mind would allow the OW to remain in contact with their WS even to save their marriage.

Most WS just do it in secret, like mine did. A month after d-day, he said he was going to Walmart, but I got a call from a friend that he was at OW's house. When asked to produce a receipt it conflicted with the time it takes to drive there, shop for two small items and drive back again. Then it turned into he stopped at a guy friends house. Then I let him have it with the truth. Feel me?

You cant bypass the anger stage you have to let your emotions out and be honest with him and be honest with yourself, otherwise you're just cheating fate by manipulating him with affection. You can never go wrong by being honest and straightforward. You just have to be true to yourself.
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Old 1st June 2007, 8:32 PM   #15
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PS I went into a auto pilot mode for several months. I just remained a wife. I just survived day to day. But when I realized that he was being a cake eater, I went into playboy bunny mode. I started taking care of myself and doing my own thing and got my don't give a f*ck on. That snapped him back to my side. The WS has to realize he is losing a good thing. Don't forget the OW has had the upper hand for a long time and used that perfect wife routine since the beginning. Also, when they "talk", she is probably advising him to stay with her too.

Nothing is gonna happen until you get aggressive and give him something to think long and hard about.
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