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! Still struggling over feelings for married man.


November-Rain

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November-Rain

Hi,

 

First of all I thought I had conquered my obsessive need to be around a married friend of mine. Don't get me wrong I'm not a stalker! However, he has a way of reeling me in just when I think I am over him. Mind you, this is not a physical affair, but a very awkward and secretive affair of the mind and heart. To be quite honest with you I'm pretty drained from all this, but somehow I can't seem to move on. Although, I wonder is this only one sided on my behalf? Or does he get some sort of ego boost by knowing that I have feelings for him (not verbalized,but almost positive he senses it) and then backs off when things get to close for comfort?

 

Our friendship started quite some time ago. Our lifestyles are very similar to one another. Our children attend the same school and we are involved in many sports and activities to where we are constantly running into each other. Dinner and even camping trips are not uncommon. His wife is a very nice lady, I get along with her pretty well. I feel like such a louse when I think about how I can carry on a friendship with her when at the same time I have feelings for her husband.

 

My husband is a good person and a wonderful father. I love him very much, but somehow I am drawn to MM for some unknown reason I can't figure out as to why???

 

I'm hoping that someone out there might have a different take on my situation and maybe give me some helpful advice on how I can move on and once and for all get over this man. Thanks.

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November-Rain, What does your married friend say or do that may have you think he is interested in you? Why do you waste so much of your time and energy on someone who is possibly using you for his own benefit of feeling desired and wanted by someone other than his wife. great ego boost for any male!

 

If you actually get along and have a good relationship with his wife, concentrate on that. It might be the ticket to you getting over this guy. The more you spend time with her the more difficult it will be to develop anymore feelings for him.

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Sounds like you are bored with things and are creating a fantasy around this MM. Think of how you would react if your h was doing this.

 

Read some of the stories here about what happens when you take things further. The misery and the heartbreak is just not worth it. You might also find that th MM is enjoying it but thinking you are just a foolish woman.

 

Try and get some prospective on these feelings and find another fantasy which will not cause such terrible trouble to both families.

 

Good luck

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  • 2 weeks later...

I've had an "affair of the heart and mind" with a married man for over 3 years now...and don't feel bad about it at all. I'm not trying to take him from his family, etc., but he is a wonderful person and I see his need to have someone encourage him, his need to have a real friend and this is exactly what I have found with him, a true friend.

 

I wish he could find this connection with his wife, but I don't think he ever had that with her. And if I can continue to provide this friendship and support to him and also nuture his friendship with me, I will.

 

Married people need to understand that not every relationship their spouse establishes with the opposite sex is a threat to their marriage. My friend's wife I believes thinks our relationship is probably not proper but that's for her to come to terms with her own jealousy and insecurity and try to find out what she can do to be more of a friend to her husband and not resent the fact that he formed a friendship with another woman.

 

I'm not going to deny myself a great friendship with my friend simply beause he is married and it seems from how you described your relationship with your OM, you shouldn't feel bad about wanting to maintain that connection.

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JustBreathe

Guest #2:

 

I strongly disagree with the assumption that an affair without sex does not harm the marriage.

 

Of course it harms the marriage. It harms the marriage because the time and energy spent sharing your feelings and hopes and dreams with a person who is not your spouse would be better spent trying to mend the relationship with the person you married. Marriage is a promise and a commitment to spend the rest of your life with someone. His wife is probably planning to do just that. She has invested her time, her love, and most likely has future plans like retirement and grandchildren. To rob her of the good side of her husband is perverse.

 

If it is not "mendable" than the unhappy spouse needs to get out of the marriage so as to allow the one he does not love anymore to find someone who can love her completely.

 

An affair of the mind and heart is just as damaging as sleeping with someone. In fact, quite often the betrayed party is MORE hurt by the non-sexual emotional relationship their spouse had than by the sex itself.

 

Stop thinking of yourself and find a single man to be close friends with.

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Guest #2:

 

I strongly disagree with the assumption that an affair without sex does not harm the marriage.

 

Of course it harms the marriage. It harms the marriage because the time and energy spent sharing your feelings and hopes and dreams with a person who is not your spouse would be better spent trying to mend the relationship with the person you married. Marriage is a promise and a commitment to spend the rest of your life with someone. His wife is probably planning to do just that. She has invested her time, her love, and most likely has future plans like retirement and grandchildren. To rob her of the good side of her husband is perverse.

 

If it is not "mendable" than the unhappy spouse needs to get out of the marriage so as to allow the one he does not love anymore to find someone who can love her completely.

 

An affair of the mind and heart is just as damaging as sleeping with someone. In fact, quite often the betrayed party is MORE hurt by the non-sexual emotional relationship their spouse had than by the sex itself.

 

Stop thinking of yourself and find a single man to be close friends with.

 

Fully agree with all you have said. I am recovering from my h having that type of relationship for 11 years. It took from our marriage and I am not sure if I can ever get over it.

 

What guest 2 is doing is stealing from the couples marriage, its worst than breaking into their house and stealing their goods.

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