committment issues

[Guest]

Hi, my name is Ryan, I am 38 and my girlfriend is 34. A few years ago we met and became close platonic friends. She didnt want a relationship. She had just gotten out of a messy engagement and broke it off. This is the 2nd time doing this. She said her relationships were always short term and abusive in some way.

 

When I met her she didnt trust anyone. After a couple months of getting close, she bolted. I didnt hear from her for months. When she came back she told me that she got scared and ran. It took me a long time to get back to being friends again with her.

 

We were platonic friends for about 2 years after her running away from me. We are such opposites too. She was never interested in dating me, so i never approached her. She continued dating other guys, but always ended up breaking up.

 

During this time she was employed at 5 different places. I dodnt know why she even took the jobs if she knew she was going to hate it 3 months later.

 

Then she came out of nowhere and and wanted to date me. She came on very strong and very fast. In the beginning she was very controlling of me and my time. IWe also didnt see eye to eye on many things and fought often. During this time she would give me the cold shoulder and end the relationship many times.

 

The other day I was chatting with her girlfriend and she told me that my girlfriend is planning many summer activities that dont include me. My girlfriend also speaks like she isnt in a relationship, its "I" not "we".

 

My girlfriend is very independent and never lets her guard down.

 

A friend of mine said that people like this are committment-phobes and that they really dont care one way or another if they are in a realtionship or not. That she may cheat on me when she gets bored.

 

I dont know anything about this. Is there a pattern that I should watch for? Can anyone help me to understand.

[HopeForMe]

Hello Ryan,

 

It already sounds like you know she is a committment phobe, but on top of that she is teetering on the line of being a tad bit abusive. Love is not suppose to be controlling or "when you do what I say I love you to death and will show it, otherwise f*ck you. It's not suppose to be that way. You don't have much time invested in this girl I'm assuming so why not hold out until someone comes along that isn't like that and can take the stress out of what a loving committed relationship is suppose to be about?

[Mz. Pixie]

I don't mean to be harsh here but here's what I think.

 

There is no such thing as a committment phobe. Everyone will make a committment to the right person- when that person comes along.

 

If they are having trouble committing to you and that is the relationship you want you should consider that perhaps they don't feel the same way about you that you do them. Because if they did- they wouldn't be unwilling to committ.

[Guest]

She's just not that into you...stop enabling her with your feelings so she can take advantage and just go out there and find the one who adores you. Adoration rocks! Someone out there will adore you.