Wife leaves me and then sleeps with another man.

[texwill]

[sIZE=2]My wife and I dated for over three years before we got married and were happy. I truly don't believe that she had ever cheated on me. Three months after we were married she left me. Then begged to come back and then when she did, left me again two months after that. Then had sex with a total stranger less than a week after sleeping with me.[/sIZE]

[sIZE=2] [/sIZE]

[sIZE=2]Before she left the first time, she said that she was unhappy with me because based on what she said I think she expected our marriage to better than our dating. She was upset that I didn't touch, caress or compliment her as much as she said she wanted. I am aware that I am not an overly "touchy-feely" man (especially in public), but I never have been, and we were happy before and she was so exited to get married to me. She was also upset that I went out with my best friend (who was best man at our wedding, and she has always maintained that she liked) once a week, as I have for almost ten years. She confronted me about her feelings and told me that she was unhappy, and I told her that I was as well but over other issues. I had never been married before and haven't had a roommate or lived with anyone since I was in the Army years ago, and sometimes got 'cabin fever' as I sometimes like to read or spend a small amount of time alone and could no longer do this as we work the same day hours.[/sIZE]

[sIZE=2] [/sIZE]

[sIZE=2]One saturday I went out with my best friend to see a band in another city two hours away and at about 10:00 PM she calls my cellphone and tells me that she's moving out. By the time I return home, she and all her things are moved out of our house.[/sIZE]

[sIZE=2] [/sIZE]

[sIZE=2]Over the next few days we talk and she tells me that she was upset and that if I had come home faster and stopped her she wouldn't have left. She also said that she thought that she was the cause of me being unhappy, and that she loved me so much that she wanted to be happy, so she left. After talking more, she begged me to take her back, and I told her that it would be hard for me, because it hurt my feelings to be abandoned in the middle of the night. But I agreed to take her back, because I still loved (and love) her. I also asked her to promise to not do that again. She promised.[/sIZE]

[sIZE=2] [/sIZE]

[sIZE=2]A couple of months later, she expressed how she was still unhappy and how I needed to show her more affection and attention. This, I admit, was harder for me because I was still hurt by her running off on me. I told her this. She said that I had to just forgive her. I told her that I didn't know if I could forget it, and I admitted that I sometimes wondered if she would be at home when I got there from work at times. She asked me if I would ever forgive her and love her the same was as I did when we got married and I said that I didn't know if it would ever be the same until I could find a way to understand what was really going on with her. That very night, she said that she couldn't be in the same house with me if that was the case, and immediately left again. The next day she brought help and moved all of her things out again.[/sIZE]

[sIZE=2] [/sIZE]

[sIZE=2]We were still talking about our marriage and what was wrong and so on. Then on a saturday night two weeks later I went out and inadvertently found her at our local bar&grill all dressed up by herself (no girlfriends) sitting next to some guy I didn't know. I went up to her and asked how she was, and she smiled and asked me if she could buy me a drink. The guy next to her didn't behave like I thought a guy on a 'date' would have under the circumstances. And of course, neither did she, based on her response. I told her "No thanks" and left and went home. Later that night she called me and asked if she could come over because she was drunk and wanted to make love. I agreed to it. The next morning before she left she said how much she enjoyed it, and wanted to do that again. [/sIZE]

[sIZE=2] [/sIZE]

[sIZE=2]The next couple of days, she called and kept asking me to lunch and I declined, and also emailed me asking if we could just "date" like before. I responded that because we were still married that might seem odd to be "dating". She responded back something like "OK so we can just be married like before then?" I said that couldn't happen because we hadn't worked out our issues. She kept calling, and on a wednesday, three days after we made love, we got in a heated argument on the phone and she suggested that our marriage was "all or nothing" and she wanted to get back together again, and that was that. I said some hurtful things to her in response, such as "If thats how you feel, then go file for divorce then; I dent want you moving back in right now" and "you weren't acting like someone that wanted to be married last saturday out all dolled up letting other men hit on you and buy you drinks" and so on.[/sIZE]

[sIZE=2] [/sIZE]

[sIZE=2]That same week, friday, two days after our telephone argument, and six days after we last made love, I learn from a concerned mutual friend who called me that she is out slowdancing and hugged up with some other guy at a dance club. I check into it and find this to be true, and not only that, they are kissing and rubbing on eachother. Then she drives him to his house and goes inside and stays the night.[/sIZE]

[sIZE=2] [/sIZE]

[sIZE=2]I call her cellphone that morning at about 8:00 AM and she doesn't answer. About 9:30 she finally leaves his house. She gets to where she is staying a little later. I go and ask her what was going on. She tells me that she was out with her friends and invents a long and complicated story about how she spent all night driving her friends around and stayed at her friends house to take care of her because she was sick. Knowing this was all lies, I became even more hurt and left.[/sIZE]

[sIZE=2] [/sIZE]

[sIZE=2]Two days later we begin talking again. She says that she did want to get back together with me and I told her that was impossible without honesty. It took more time but over the next few days and several different versions of the story, more truth emerged. She admitted that she met some guy and danced with him, and did the "freak dance" at the club (where man rubs his groin on the behind of the woman) and let him rub her thighs. She was wearing a skirt and no underwear at the time. Then they went to eat and then kissed him for a few minutes in the parking lot and let him rub her legs again. Then drove him to his house and went in and got undressed and rubbed his back, kissed and then had sex with him. Then the next morning my phone call woke her up, and after waking she got on top of this guy again and had sex with him again.[/sIZE]

[sIZE=2] [/sIZE]

[sIZE=2]She tells me that she was hurt and was looking for someone to make her feel good. She also said that she has never done anything like that before, but she just wasn't herself that night and next morning.[/sIZE]

[sIZE=2] [/sIZE]

[sIZE=2]I still love her more than I have ever loved anyone before, in spite of all this, but I am so horribly hurt and confused. I have read probably hundreds of forums and marriage counseling websites and cannot seem get any satisfactory answers to this dilema. She and I even went to counseling a couple of days ago and I didn't feel any better about this.[/sIZE]

[sIZE=2] [/sIZE]

[sIZE=2]Is there any realistic hope for us? Any advice? Any opinions? Anything like this happen to anyone else?[/sIZE]

[sIZE=2] [/sIZE]

[sIZE=2]Thanks![/sIZE]

[sIZE=2][/sIZE]

[whichwayisup]

She needs to grow up and act like a married woman. Until she really decides what she wants - YOU or freedom to screw around, nothing will change.

 

You want action? Separate and tell her to get one on one counselling, then you two can talk and work on the marriage. You love her, but she seems to be immature and not understanding the concept of marriage, being a wife and responsibilities that come with it.

 

You both need to learn how to listen, communicate and respect eachother. Not saying you don't do that, but she is definately not towards you.

[Sup]

[sIZE=2]My wife and I dated for over three years before we got married and were happy. I truly don't believe that she had ever cheated on me. Three months after we were married she left me. Then begged to come back and then when she did, left me again two months after that. Then had sex with a total stranger less than a week after sleeping with me.[/sIZE]

[sIZE=2] [/sIZE]

[sIZE=2]Before she left the first time, she said that she was unhappy with me because based on what she said I think she expected our marriage to better than our dating. She was upset that I didn't touch, caress or compliment her as much as she said she wanted. I am aware that I am not an overly "touchy-feely" man (especially in public), but I never have been, and we were happy before and she was so exited to get married to me. She was also upset that I went out with my best friend (who was best man at our wedding, and she has always maintained that she liked) once a week, as I have for almost ten years. She confronted me about her feelings and told me that she was unhappy, and I told her that I was as well but over other issues. I had never been married before and haven't had a roommate or lived with anyone since I was in the Army years ago, and sometimes got 'cabin fever' as I sometimes like to read or spend a small amount of time alone and could no longer do this as we work the same day hours.[/sIZE]

[sIZE=2] [/sIZE]

[sIZE=2]One saturday I went out with my best friend to see a band in another city two hours away and at about 10:00 PM she calls my cellphone and tells me that she's moving out. By the time I return home, she and all her things are moved out of our house.[/sIZE]

[sIZE=2] [/sIZE]

[sIZE=2]Over the next few days we talk and she tells me that she was upset and that if I had come home faster and stopped her she wouldn't have left. She also said that she thought that she was the cause of me being unhappy, and that she loved me so much that she wanted to be happy, so she left. After talking more, she begged me to take her back, and I told her that it would be hard for me, because it hurt my feelings to be abandoned in the middle of the night. But I agreed to take her back, because I still loved (and love) her. I also asked her to promise to not do that again. She promised.[/sIZE]

[sIZE=2] [/sIZE]

[sIZE=2]A couple of months later, she expressed how she was still unhappy and how I needed to show her more affection and attention. This, I admit, was harder for me because I was still hurt by her running off on me. I told her this. She said that I had to just forgive her. I told her that I didn't know if I could forget it, and I admitted that I sometimes wondered if she would be at home when I got there from work at times. She asked me if I would ever forgive her and love her the same was as I did when we got married and I said that I didn't know if it would ever be the same until I could find a way to understand what was really going on with her. That very night, she said that she couldn't be in the same house with me if that was the case, and immediately left again. The next day she brought help and moved all of her things out again.[/sIZE]

[sIZE=2] [/sIZE]

[sIZE=2]We were still talking about our marriage and what was wrong and so on. Then on a saturday night two weeks later I went out and inadvertently found her at our local bar&grill all dressed up by herself (no girlfriends) sitting next to some guy I didn't know. I went up to her and asked how she was, and she smiled and asked me if she could buy me a drink. The guy next to her didn't behave like I thought a guy on a 'date' would have under the circumstances. And of course, neither did she, based on her response. I told her "No thanks" and left and went home. Later that night she called me and asked if she could come over because she was drunk and wanted to make love. I agreed to it. The next morning before she left she said how much she enjoyed it, and wanted to do that again. [/sIZE]

[sIZE=2] [/sIZE]

[sIZE=2]The next couple of days, she called and kept asking me to lunch and I declined, and also emailed me asking if we could just "date" like before. I responded that because we were still married that might seem odd to be "dating". She responded back something like "OK so we can just be married like before then?" I said that couldn't happen because we hadn't worked out our issues. She kept calling, and on a wednesday, three days after we made love, we got in a heated argument on the phone and she suggested that our marriage was "all or nothing" and she wanted to get back together again, and that was that. I said some hurtful things to her in response, such as "If thats how you feel, then go file for divorce then; I dent want you moving back in right now" and "you weren't acting like someone that wanted to be married last saturday out all dolled up letting other men hit on you and buy you drinks" and so on.[/sIZE]

[sIZE=2] [/sIZE]

[sIZE=2]That same week, friday, two days after our telephone argument, and six days after we last made love, I learn from a concerned mutual friend who called me that she is out slowdancing and hugged up with some other guy at a dance club. I check into it and find this to be true, and not only that, they are kissing and rubbing on eachother. Then she drives him to his house and goes inside and stays the night.[/sIZE]

[sIZE=2] [/sIZE]

[sIZE=2]I call her cellphone that morning at about 8:00 AM and she doesn't answer. About 9:30 she finally leaves his house. She gets to where she is staying a little later. I go and ask her what was going on. She tells me that she was out with her friends and invents a long and complicated story about how she spent all night driving her friends around and stayed at her friends house to take care of her because she was sick. Knowing this was all lies, I became even more hurt and left.[/sIZE]

[sIZE=2] [/sIZE]

[sIZE=2]Two days later we begin talking again. She says that she did want to get back together with me and I told her that was impossible without honesty. It took more time but over the next few days and several different versions of the story, more truth emerged. She admitted that she met some guy and danced with him, and did the "freak dance" at the club (where man rubs his groin on the behind of the woman) and let him rub her thighs. She was wearing a skirt and no underwear at the time. Then they went to eat and then kissed him for a few minutes in the parking lot and let him rub her legs again. Then drove him to his house and went in and got undressed and rubbed his back, kissed and then had sex with him. Then the next morning my phone call woke her up, and after waking she got on top of this guy again and had sex with him again.[/sIZE]

[sIZE=2] [/sIZE]

[sIZE=2]She tells me that she was hurt and was looking for someone to make her feel good. She also said that she has never done anything like that before, but she just wasn't herself that night and next morning.[/sIZE]

[sIZE=2] [/sIZE]

[sIZE=2]I still love her more than I have ever loved anyone before, in spite of all this, but I am so horribly hurt and confused. I have read probably hundreds of forums and marriage counseling websites and cannot seem get any satisfactory answers to this dilema. She and I even went to counseling a couple of days ago and I didn't feel any better about this.[/sIZE]

[sIZE=2] [/sIZE]

[sIZE=2]Is there any realistic hope for us? Any advice? Any opinions? Anything like this happen to anyone else?[/sIZE]

[sIZE=2] [/sIZE]

[sIZE=2]Thanks![/sIZE]

[sIZE=2][/sIZE]

 

 

NO! DUMP THE BROAD! She said she got on top of this guy and rode him? That was a free will act and she's rubbing your nose in it, and she blames you, BULLCRAP! Divorce her, contact a Lawyer and protect yourself, go for ABANDONMENT, then find someone else.

[tweldy]

Sorry to be so blunt, but she has some personality disorder of some sort. If you want to get back with her your life will be a miserable hell on earth unless she sees a psychiatrist (**not a counselor** - an MD - seriously). And she'll need meds and/or counseling, probably both, for years. I can't imagine why you would even think of getting back together with her without requiring her getting professional help. I'm sure some marriage counseling for the both of you wouldn't hurt either, but alone it won't cut it. Best of luck.

[RecordProducer]

and why on earth were you not attentive and affectionate when she told you many times that she was missing that in the relationship? She dumped you because of this more than once. Sorry to say this, but it was expectable from her to find the affection and compliements elsewhere. Woemn hate when they are neglected and this is the main reason for a divorce, believe it or not, according to marriage counselors. Not infidelity, not abuse of substance, not physical or emotional violence. Negligence is the worst way of making someone feel unwanted, undesirable, and unhappy.

[dropdeadlegs]

That was a long post, but at least I don't have any questions! You laid out the scenario very well.

 

I do think that your wife is what could be called "high maintenance" in the attention/affection department. Not all women are like this, but I admit I am pretty needy in that department. It has caused problems for me in relationships where the man was not very physically affectionate in private and in public. I'm not talking making out in the hallways of a governmental building, but if he is uncomfortable holding my hand in public I have learned that he is not right for me. If physical affection is not something you can give easily, maybe she is not right for you.

 

I would be upset, as you are, that she could move on so quickly to what I consider an intimate relationship with another man when your marriage is so young and could possibly be worked out. So, I agree that she needs to grow up and act married if she has any hope of reconciling this marriage. If her need for attention is strong, she may not be able to do that.

 

She could have some emotional issues that you didn't perceive and needs counseling of some kind. The marriage may need counseling as well. It is very difficult to forgive a partner for what she has done, and forgetting is nearly impossible. She also likely feels that you abandoned her due to the lack of intimacy she feels is appropriate. Those are big issues to overcome, her actions and what she sees as your lack of action.

 

Is there any hope? There is almost always hope, but it will take work and lots of it to see the other side of the mountain. Are you willing to put in the time and effort? Is she? Therein lies your answer to the question of hope.

 

I'm sorry you are hurting and wish you the best of luck.

[texwill]

and why on earth were you not attentive and affectionate when she told you many times that she was missing that in the relationship? She dumped you because of this more than once. Sorry to say this, but it was expectable from her to find the affection and compliements elsewhere. Woemn hate when they are neglected and this is the main reason for a divorce, believe it or not, according to marriage counselors. Not infidelity, not abuse of substance, not physical or emotional violence. Negligence is the worst way of making someone feel unwanted, undesirable, and unhappy.

 

Thanks for the response.

 

We dated for over three years and the attentiveness and affection were never an issue for her then. I have not changed. I am the same guy I always was.

 

If she needed more than I was giving, I would have expected that to be an issue before we were wed. It simply wasnt, and she never once 'dumped me' while we were dating. Quite the contrary, she went out of her way to express how much she cared for me and loved the way I was. Even to the point that she would make fun of other women that griped about their BFs or husbands not doting on them enough by calling them "high-maintainence bishes" and men who caved into this "wimps".

 

I thank you again for the input, but it further confuses me when put into this context.

[texwill]

I do think that your wife is what could be called "high maintenance" in the attention/affection department. Not all women are like this, but I admit I am pretty needy in that department. It has caused problems for me in relationships where the man was not very physically affectionate in private and in public. I'm not talking making out in the hallways of a governmental building, but if he is uncomfortable holding my hand in public I have learned that he is not right for me. If physical affection is not something you can give easily, maybe she is not right for you.

 

Insofar as the public affection I am not a total "cold fish". Holding hands, and casual kisses and such are just fine. I just dont like to frenchkiss or make out in public for example. In private, I am a affectionate and sexual as any other man, I would think. But apparently not enough for her, after we got married, anyhow. I had no complaints whatsoever in the three years we dated.

 

Still confusing to me.

[texwill]

I am sorry that I am not Internet savvy enough to put all of these responses into one clean post

 

But I wanted to thank the other responses for their time and input.

 

I really need some outside eyes and perspectives to help with the battle going on between my emotions and common sense and any input is helpful to me.

 

Thanks again for reading my very long post and responding.

[tweldy]

...with personality disorders are 'high maintenance'. Not all people who are 'high maintenance' have personality disorders. texwill keeps pointing out contradictions and outrageous expectations "you just have to forgive me" ... This is not the sign of healthy mind.

[Rooster_DAR]

and why on earth were you not attentive and affectionate when she told you many times that she was missing that in the relationship? She dumped you because of this more than once. Sorry to say this, but it was expectable from her to find the affection and compliements elsewhere. Woemn hate when they are neglected and this is the main reason for a divorce, believe it or not, according to marriage counselors. Not infidelity, not abuse of substance, not physical or emotional violence. Negligence is the worst way of making someone feel unwanted, undesirable, and unhappy.

 

I think this is a totally lame excuse.

 

She married him the way he was and what about wedding vows? For better or worse right?

 

Women often expect some Knight in armor to be their everything and they learn unrealistic ideals about life from their parents. Sure, lack of affection can and probably will cause someone to stray, but we don't know his whole story yet. She should have spoke up and tried to get them into therapy before being unfaithful, this is completely unacceptable.

 

Cheers!

[Woggle]

She cheate on you so why are you still with her. Are men really this scared of being alone that we will put up with anything from a woman? What happened to our gender that we just let ourselves get walked over like this. Dump her and don't look back.

[Ladyjane14]

My advice to you Tex, is to just get an attorney and file. This girl has NO CLUE what love is all about. All the crap she's put you through has most likely been because she thinks Infatuation and Love are the same thing. They aren't.

 

She seems to be ramping up the drama whenever you two get comfortable together. Every time she does that, she's getting a big ole' chemical rush similar to the physiological reaction of "Infatuation". She's also feeding her own ego by proving that she's important enough that you'll turn yourself inside-out again to keep her with you.

 

Unfortunately, some people never reach emotional maturity.

[texwill]

She cheate on you so why are you still with her. Are men really this scared of being alone that we will put up with anything from a woman? What happened to our gender that we just let ourselves get walked over like this. Dump her and don't look back.

 

I am not afraid of being alone. I have been alone most of my adult life. And I have never been married before. I just really care about her and love her so much, I am at odds with the logical part of my mind.

 

But thanks to the posters and at least a couple pieces of interesting insight, I may yet find a way to make the right decision without driving myself into worse depression.

[Flyin in Clouds]

She cheate on you so why are you still with her. Are men really this scared of being alone that we will put up with anything from a woman? What happened to our gender that we just let ourselves get walked over like this. Dump her and don't look back.

 

I don't know Woggle but it's pretty disgusting.

 

One thing that does happen to a man is that women fog our brians pretty badly. Love makes us stupid. It's a chemical thing. We get attached and it's hard to let go. Hell it's hard to even believe the woman we love could be slut. But it happens.

 

Texwill if you have any self respect left leave and don't look back. It will hurt but there are better women out there looking for a good man.

[seibert253]

She needs to be kicked to the curb and cease all contact with her. Your wife has serious psychological issues that must be addressed before you should even consider re-establishing your relationship. After about aweek of no contact, let her know that if she loves you and values your marriage, she must seek and receive professional help. Be supportive if she chooses this route, but let her know this is a "make or break" for your marraige. If she fails or balks at this then I'm afraid it's time to end it perminantly. Good luck and God bless.

[IpAncA]

The only thing that I can suggest is marriage counseling but I think it would be best to cut your losses and move on.

 

She has to much uncalled behavior and doesn't care who she hurts or what she's doing.

 

I'm having a hard time understanding why you put up with this. Yes I know you love her but do you think you deserve to be treated like this? Was she always like this before you married?

[mental_traveller]

Yes there is hope - there is hope that you might come to your senses and ditch this cheat. It's less than half a year into the marriage and let's look at what she has done:

 

1) without any warning, moved out in the middle of the night while you were out with a friend

2) gone out clubbing, wearing no underwear, dirty dancing with random sleazeballs

3) had sex with another man (at least that's what you know so far - who knows maybe there are more?), despite being married

4) lied about having sex with another man (i.e. if you had not found out she would have slept with you after, risking your health with HIV etc)

5) refuses to live in the same house with you

 

Wake up and smell the coffee pal, stop living in denial and deluding yourself. Your "wife" is a selfish, unreliable, sleazy, cheating slut and you would be an utter fool to stay with her. Find the best divorce lawyer you can afford, and serve her with divorce papers. Actually, since it has lasted such a short time, see if you can get it annulled. And don't let her move back in. Change the locks and divorce her ass before it costs you even more in time, money, and wasted effort.

[mental_traveller]

and why on earth were you not attentive and affectionate when she told you many times that she was missing that in the relationship? She dumped you because of this more than once. Sorry to say this, but it was expectable from her to find the affection and compliements elsewhere. Woemn hate when they are neglected and this is the main reason for a divorce, believe it or not, according to marriage counselors. Not infidelity, not abuse of substance, not physical or emotional violence. Negligence is the worst way of making someone feel unwanted, undesirable, and unhappy.

 

Clearly this is a marriage made in hell between two totally incompatible people. They should end it and not waste time trying to make fire & ice go together.

 

However, you should not forget that she well knew how her prospective husband was, by his behaviour before they got married. She is even more at fault than him, since she knew he wasn't providing what she wanted, whereas he at least was just dumb and didn't realise there was a problem. If she doesn't complain beforehand, how can he know that she will suddenly turn into a high-maintenance bunny boiler as soon as they tie the knot?

[Mr. Lucky]

You don't give your ages but she sounds quite young. Some people have to make every relationship all about them, simply by being self-centered and absorbed to the point of denial. Unless you want to play the roles of therapist, enabler and victim for the next 20 years, I'd take the advice that others are giving you and bail.

 

Mr. Lucky

[burning 4 revenge]

Sorry to be so blunt, but she has some personality disorder of some sort. If you want to get back with her your life will be a miserable hell on earth unless she sees a psychiatrist (**not a counselor** - an MD - seriously). And she'll need meds and/or counseling, probably both, for years. I can't imagine why you would even think of getting back together with her without requiring her getting professional help. I'm sure some marriage counseling for the both of you wouldn't hurt either, but alone it won't cut it. Best of luck.

My thoughts exactly. Can anyone say BPD?

[Mz. Pixie]

You don't give your ages but she sounds quite young. Some people have to make every relationship all about them, simply by being self-centered and absorbed to the point of denial. Unless you want to play the roles of therapist, enabler and victim for the next 20 years, I'd take the advice that others are giving you and bail.

 

Mr. Lucky

 

 

Good advice. Six months into the marriage???? Too many problems.

I'd get an attorney and file for divorce.

[texwill]

FYI, I am 37, she is 27.

 

And thanks for all of your time and input.

[Sup]

FYI, I am 37, she is 27.

 

And thanks for all of your time and input.

 

 

Hey Tex, listen up, I know you don't want to hear a lot of what people are saying about you dumping your wife, etc. But you KNOW they're trying to help you keep your sanity, it would be better to be alone and not have the hassle, the pain, the lies, than to be with a person like your wife, you know it. Right now, your wife KNOWS that you love her and that you want her back, and would do anything to get her back, she's using that to crush your heart even more, she DOES NOT love you, otherwise she would NEVER do this to you. Talk to a Lawyer Today.

[texwill]

Well, last night she informed me that based on what she read on the Internet, I "emotionally abused" her and thats why she left the first time. Not in the over three years we dated. And not since. Just the three months before she packed up and took off in the middle of the night.

 

I don't know how much more of this I can stand.