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Old 11th December 2006, 6:24 PM   #1
Moni
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Friendship with a married man

Is it possible to be friends with a married man?

I have developed a wonderful relationship with a married man. I am married with children. My husband and I are friends with his wife too, but MM and I share the most time togehter because of things we share in common.

Our friendship is not sexual, however, I am concerned about the chemistry we both share as pretty intense on my part. I gather he feels the same way as well, because of the way he looks at me and just little tell tale signs. I could be wrong, but my gut tells me otherwise.

Do you think it's wise to continue this friendship? or should I distance myself from him? I'm afraid our friendship could lead into something physical. I also have found myself thinking of him constantly, and wanting to spend more time with him. I realize that it is not healthy for me to think this way.

I could really use some advice.
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Old 12th December 2006, 7:42 AM   #2
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I have two female friends and often my wife tells me that I have more in common with heather than I do her. However I let my wife know everything, and heather has said some things that would have pissed me off if I was my wife. However, my wife grew up with her & she just blows it off.. *shrug*

Anyway.. as I told my wife, if there is ever a time that my friendship with her makes her uncomfortable, that I would stop. This is a chick that calls me everyday. Would I want a relationship with her if I was single? Yep. However I'm not. You have to learn to control those impluses. It's one thing to think about it, another to do it.

If you feel that you can't control it, or he's becoming too forward then for the sake of your marriage put an end to the friendship. There is a difference between true love (which is what you have w/ your husband) and infactuation/lust/friendship with this OM.

If you did cross that boudary with this OM, I would estimate there is a 95% chance that you marriage would fail and that the relationship with this OM would not last.

It's your decision but you really need to take a step back here and look at the big picture.
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Old 12th December 2006, 8:14 AM   #3
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Moni View Post
Do you think it's wise to continue this friendship?
No.

Quote:
I am concerned about the chemistry we both share as pretty intense on my part. I gather he feels the same way as well, because of the way he looks at me and just little tell tale signs.

I'm afraid our friendship could lead into something physical. I also have found myself thinking of him constantly, and wanting to spend more time with him.
This isn't a friendship. Its a matter of mutual unrequited lust. You can't have these feelings and call it a "friendship" simply because you haven't crossed the line.

Your best bet is to back off. Way off. Make sure you spend no alone time with this guy. No phone calls, no emails, nada. You can't cross the line if you step away from it.
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Old 12th December 2006, 8:44 AM   #4
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Moni View Post
Do you think it's wise to continue this friendship?

My current girlfriend put it very beautifully one day. She said that everyone has attractions to people other than those they are dating/married to. The difference between those who cheat and those who don't is whether or not they put themselves in a position to fail.

By continuing this friendship, you are by all accounts putting yourself in a position to fail. And because I have a good grasp on people, I would give you at least a 75% chance to fail if you continue. Humans are just that way.
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Old 12th December 2006, 8:44 AM   #5
 
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NO, it's not possible to be friends w/ a married man, unless you share all of it w/ your H and her H...It's possible, but not appropriate or wise..
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Old 12th December 2006, 12:48 PM   #6
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Great Advice!

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Originally Posted by jmargel View Post
I have two female friends and often my wife tells me that I have more in common with heather than I do her. However I let my wife know everything, and heather has said some things that would have pissed me off if I was my wife. However, my wife grew up with her & she just blows it off.. *shrug*

Anyway.. as I told my wife, if there is ever a time that my friendship with her makes her uncomfortable, that I would stop. This is a chick that calls me everyday. Would I want a relationship with her if I was single? Yep. However I'm not. You have to learn to control those impluses. It's one thing to think about it, another to do it.

If you feel that you can't control it, or he's becoming too forward then for the sake of your marriage put an end to the friendship. There is a difference between true love (which is what you have w/ your husband) and infactuation/lust/friendship with this OM.

If you did cross that boudary with this OM, I would estimate there is a 95% chance that you marriage would fail and that the relationship with this OM would not last.

It's your decision but you really need to take a step back here and look at the big picture.
Great advice! I would hope to think I could control my impulses. I do value his friendship a great deal. I would hate to put an end to someones company I truly do enjoy.

You mentioned that you tell your wife everything. I do tell my husband almost everything about what MM and I talk about except for the fact that I have developed feelings for MM.

This might sound like a stupid question, but do you think the chemistry between MM and I can subside within time and maybe continue as a normal friendship? Is it possible? I've never come across anything like this, that is why I ask. Anybody ever experienced anything similar to what I am going through?
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Old 12th December 2006, 1:05 PM   #7
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Originally Posted by Krytellan View Post
My current girlfriend put it very beautifully one day. She said that everyone has attractions to people other than those they are dating/married to. The difference between those who cheat and those who don't is whether or not they put themselves in a position to fail.

By continuing this friendship, you are by all accounts putting yourself in a position to fail. And because I have a good grasp on people, I would give you at least a 75% chance to fail if you continue. Humans are just that way.
Now, is it possible to be attracted to someone, but still continue a friendship? MM and I are not selfish enough to commit adultry at least I'd like to think we are mature enough to think of our families other than ourselves.

You mentioned that by continuing this friendship I am setting myself up for failure, however, he and I have managed for at least 1yr. to not cross that line. It hasn't even been verbally aknowledeged that we have feelings for one another. Wouldn't it be safe to say that if it hasn't happened as of yet, the chances are it will not happen at all? I still have hope to remain friends with him. The only thing is to get over the feelings I have for him. Sorry for the many questions. I'm trying to make sense of this and need advice. I do not have anyone else to ask other than LS.
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Old 12th December 2006, 1:26 PM   #8
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yes if..

Yes, it is possible to be friends with a married man, but for me (this is just how I think some people are more laid back about it)

1. I'd be uncomfortable if my husband was friends with someone, particularly a female (married or single, mind you. Seems these days no one seems to care whether someone is attached or not when they have the hots for them. sheesh) and I had no part of it. Like he could do things with her separately or talk to her on the phone, chat, and stuff, but I have to at least have met her a couple times, or knew about her from my husband telling me.
--luckily my husband introduces me to everyone he considers good friends (not acquaintances we all have a lot of those) but people he talks to on a regular basis. He wants me to be part of his friends' and his life.

actually there was this one female classmate who was really bitchy to me and I expressed that to my husband. At first he kinda said I was being too sensitive which pissed me off. I posted this here actually in another thread. Anyway between the time I posted that and now, he's actually not brought her around, cuz he felt bad that I was feeling so uncomfortable about this, and though he's going to have to see her on a regular basis cuz she's in all his classes and have to work on stuff, he said he'll leave it at that then. He wanted to be friends with her and to have me be good friends with her but I don't so he's keeping it strictly classmate. And he said he would never want o do anything behind my back even if he thought it was strictly innocent. That's why he takes extra effort to make sure I know about all his friends and that I am OK with all of them. I don't like this girl, I don't want him friends with her. Classmates, I can deal. He is going by that. he might resent me kinda but I was honestly really uncomfortable.

Sorry, my example got long. But when things are making one spouse uncomfortable I don't think it's wise to continue the friendship innocent as it may be.

But going onto my second...this pertains to you more.
I don't think your friendship with this married man is innocent at all, you just call it friendship but I see it as completely not the case. SOrry to be blunt.
So here's my number 2.
2. to be friends with a member of the opposite sex, married or no, and have feelings that are more than platonic but just call it friendship is a NO-NO for me. I would NOT be ok with that at all. That is not friendship. That is straying in my book.

Though I think jmargel has great posts and his relationship with his wife seems superb and she seems like a great trusting person, I would still be uncomfortable if my husband was friends with a female, but had he been single, WOULD have pursued her. That means he's attracted to her but just staying friends cuz he's married to me. I am not ok with that either.
For me if a female friend was and still is a friend, and nothing has changed except my husband's marital status, then I think it's possible to be good platonic friends. But the "if I were single I would have pursued her" is still crossing the line in my book.
jmarglel, not bashing you in any way whatsover, just my personal opinion.
I am glad you and your wife are so cool with eachother. I envy that.
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Old 12th December 2006, 1:43 PM   #9
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Yes, it is possible to be friends with a married man, but for me (this is just how I think some people are more laid back about it)

1. I'd be uncomfortable if my husband was friends with someone, particularly a female (married or single, mind you. Seems these days no one seems to care whether someone is attached or not when they have the hots for them. sheesh) and I had no part of it. Like he could do things with her separately or talk to her on the phone, chat, and stuff, but I have to at least have met her a couple times, or knew about her from my husband telling me.
--luckily my husband introduces me to everyone he considers good friends (not acquaintances we all have a lot of those) but people he talks to on a regular basis. He wants me to be part of his friends' and his life.

actually there was this one female classmate who was really bitchy to me and I expressed that to my husband. At first he kinda said I was being too sensitive which pissed me off. I posted this here actually in another thread. Anyway between the time I posted that and now, he's actually not brought her around, cuz he felt bad that I was feeling so uncomfortable about this, and though he's going to have to see her on a regular basis cuz she's in all his classes and have to work on stuff, he said he'll leave it at that then. He wanted to be friends with her and to have me be good friends with her but I don't so he's keeping it strictly classmate. And he said he would never want o do anything behind my back even if he thought it was strictly innocent. That's why he takes extra effort to make sure I know about all his friends and that I am OK with all of them. I don't like this girl, I don't want him friends with her. Classmates, I can deal. He is going by that. he might resent me kinda but I was honestly really uncomfortable.

Sorry, my example got long. But when things are making one spouse uncomfortable I don't think it's wise to continue the friendship innocent as it may be.

But going onto my second...this pertains to you more.
I don't think your friendship with this married man is innocent at all, you just call it friendship but I see it as completely not the case. SOrry to be blunt.
So here's my number 2.
2. to be friends with a member of the opposite sex, married or no, and have feelings that are more than platonic but just call it friendship is a NO-NO for me. I would NOT be ok with that at all. That is not friendship. That is straying in my book.

Though I think jmargel has great posts and his relationship with his wife seems superb and she seems like a great trusting person, I would still be uncomfortable if my husband was friends with a female, but had he been single, WOULD have pursued her. That means he's attracted to her but just staying friends cuz he's married to me. I am not ok with that either.
For me if a female friend was and still is a friend, and nothing has changed except my husband's marital status, then I think it's possible to be good platonic friends. But the "if I were single I would have pursued her" is still crossing the line in my book.
jmarglel, not bashing you in any way whatsover, just my personal opinion.
I am glad you and your wife are so cool with eachother. I envy that.
Thanks, I think you put things into perspective for me. In my mind I know what I have to do, although, I am not ready to end the friendship as of yet, I think I've gotten too emotionally attached. Geez, I can't believe I wrote that. I guess that would indicate that our friendship is more than it is supposed to be, at least on my part it is. With all that said I do wish my friendship with MM could continue as a platonic one.
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Old 12th December 2006, 1:49 PM   #10
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Moni, from what I read...you ask the question and then answer it. In your heart and your head, you DO know the answer. If it leds into the physical, then you have completely crossed the line. Currently, you are "flirting" with the line.

Quote:
Our friendship is not sexual, however, I am concerned about the chemistry we both share as pretty intense on my part. I gather he feels the same way as well, because of the way he looks at me and just little tell tale signs. I could be wrong, but my gut tells me otherwise.

Do you think it's wise to continue this friendship? or should I distance myself from him? I'm afraid our friendship could lead into something physical. I also have found myself thinking of him constantly, and wanting to spend more time with him. I realize that it is not healthy for me to think this way.
jmargel, in no way am I trying to sound judgmental, but this relationship with heather DOES come very close to the line. I am quoting you below....

Quote:
Anyway.. as I told my wife, if there is ever a time that my friendship with her makes her uncomfortable, that I would stop. This is a chick that calls me everyday. Would I want a relationship with her if I was single? Yep. However I'm not. You have to learn to control those impluses. It's one thing to think about it, another to do it.
I know right now you think it can never become more, but when in your heart you think this woman could be someone whom you could chase if single, then you are leaving yourself vulnerable. Talking with another woman every day as a close friend can be dangerous. When the marriage becomes rough, then our friends may become our confidante. And then they also can easily become more if they are of the opposite sex.

Very few people think that they will have an affair. Very few people think that they cannot control their impulses, but yet many do lose control. One day when our marriage is faltering and our emotions are vulnerable, then that "close friend" appears to be everything that we need. One thing leads to another....and an affair has begun.

Can men be close friends with women and women with men while married to someone else? No, friends yes, but certainly not closer than either's spouse....IMHO. Why? Because in a good marriage, your best friend IS your spouse. Because in a good marriage, you share common interests and if you don't, you learn to share common interests. If your spouse is NOT your close friend, then part of marriage is making that person you close friend.

If I had a close friend who was a female, my wife would wonder why I cannot share so many thngs with her and why did I need another woman. If I had a close friend who was a guy, this would be more understandable, because guys share different things. If I went out with another woman while leaving my wife home with the children, or she went out with another guy while leaving me home, I think both of us would wonder why we cannot go out and have the same fun together.

Krytellan has the best answer yet....

Quote:
The difference between those who cheat and those who don't is whether or not they put themselves in a position to fail.
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Old 12th December 2006, 3:34 PM   #11
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To the OP

I don't know if this will help or not, but here's my experience.

I have known a MM for many years. We are casual friends. The last few years I have been aware of an increasing attraction that I have to him. At first this thought was so ridiculous to me, I could hardly believe my feelings, but with time it became undeniable on my part. After much soul-searching I decided that this was just one of those lust-attraction things that people go through, and I wrote it off. Until I began to get vibes back from him that maybe he was feeling something also. I told myself that this was impossible, why would he feel that way about me, of all people? I'm no dog, but this guy has women throwing themselves in his path every day, and he has always honored his wife and disregarded these advances.

I've tried to remain removed and keep my feelings to myself, but there's a slow burn going on here. Because we work near each other, we cannot totally avoid one another. For several months, we have had occasion to have conversations that allow us to get to know each other more. I really like him as a person, but I don't think this can go on indefinitely without a line being crossed because I feel chemistry at work whenever we are together. Of course, I don't really know what he would do (if anything - he never has with anyone before), given the opportunity.

I am completely infatuated with the good feelings I get from our interactions, but I know that this is really just a midlife stage that I'm going through that needs this. I don't need the heartache that an A would cause. So I don't think that your friendship, if anything like mine, can continue without there being an inevitable crossed line.

Good Luck, keep us posted.
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Old 12th December 2006, 7:25 PM   #12
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I was just friends with my MM for over two years. I started thinking the VERY same way as you over a year ago. I thought the feelings were just on my part so I continued to enjoy the friendship. Earlier this year, we became closer friends, which quickly lead to an EA. Only out of guilt did it not become too much of a PA. I fell in love, but he decided he couldn't leave his wife. Now I'm left trying to repair my marriage (yes, I did tell H) while grieving over this loss. Not only do I have to live with what I did, I have the memories of those wonderful feelings that I've never experienced before and probably won't ever again, and now we can't even be friends. It just wasn't worth it. I don't have the words to express my grief and sorrow over all this.
I know you think you can control this and that if things were to progress any further, you would be able to walk away. Well, I thought that too. When this all started, I knew I should walk away, but I felt the emotional attachment was too strong and just couldn't (or wouldn't!) stop things. Now, being in NC, I laugh at what I thought was too tough at the beginning.
Please, do yourself a HUGE favor and distance yourself from this man.
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Old 12th December 2006, 8:45 PM   #13
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From someone whose spouse had a "friendship" with another person, I can tell you that it's NOT all right to continue. The pain that I experienced when he told me about it was beyond anything I ever experienced before.

If you care about your husband, truly care about him, then stop this now, before it takes yet another step towards intimacy. Ask yourself if you would want your husband to be having the feelings that you are having. Would you want him to terminate the relationship or continue it?
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Old 13th December 2006, 12:22 AM   #14
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Don't put yourself IN a situation where saying "NO" could be impossible. You both have an attraction and feelings, so the more time you spend with him, the more whatever it is between you two will grow.

It is possible to have friends of the opposite sex, but not when you have feelings involved on both sides. It's dangerous and asking for trouble.

Ask yourself this. Would you mind if your husband hung out alot with another woman, who he claims is "just" a friend, yet he had feelings for and wanted to have sex with her? Yet he says he won't....Wouldn't that make you feel insecure, and wonder? Please think about your answer and be honest to yourself.
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Old 13th December 2006, 1:07 AM   #15
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Don't put yourself IN a situation where saying "NO" could be impossible. You both have an attraction and feelings, so the more time you spend with him, the more whatever it is between you two will grow.

It is possible to have friends of the opposite sex, but not when you have feelings involved on both sides. It's dangerous and asking for trouble.

Ask yourself this. Would you mind if your husband hung out alot with another woman, who he claims is "just" a friend, yet he had feelings for and wanted to have sex with her? Yet he says he won't....Wouldn't that make you feel insecure, and wonder? Please think about your answer and be honest to yourself.
I really don't think I would be willing to go as far as having sex with him. I'm just hoping my feelings I have for him will eventually go away, so that I can continue our friendship together. I am not certain MM feels the same way as I do, I'm just going by gut feeling and actions on his behalf. Our attraction towards one another has not yet been verbalized to one another.

My husband does have friends of the opposite sex and I have never had any problems with it as of yet, however I do agree with you that if any female friend hung around him a bit too much, it would greatly concern me. I guess you could say insecurities would arise from a situation like that.

Logically I know it is wrong to continue spending time with a friend I have feelings for. but what to do? when it is your heart that wants to continue a friendship that is more harmful at this point than not. Cold turkey? What would he think if I suddenly stopped all contact with him. I have a feeling he would be concerned and ask why I haven't acknowledged him. I know he would miss our friendship as well.
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