Do men feel remorse?

[Guest]

My husband left 7 weeks ago just to separate and see if we could work things out, we had been having some problems but nothing that could not be fixed, about 2 weeks after he left he said he wanted to file for divorce, now he wants to wait until the end of Jan before we do. I found out that he moved in with another women. She knows he is married and has kids, in fact she knows who we are, she is ok with everything for the time being so he claims, what kinda of women lets a married man with children move in with her?

 

We have been together for 18 years married for 12 and have 2 children. I want to know if he feels as bad about this as I do? Do you think they do, or do they just move on without even looking back. I just want him to suffer a little bit. He has only had one conversation with me face to face since then, the rest is thru email and txt msg. He claims that he would not do anything to hurt me or the kids financially, he claims I should trust him. lol...

[Woggle]

Take a look around this board. There are many many men going through the same thing you are going through and their wives feel no remorse whatsoever. I am sorry you are going through this because it is just as bad when a man does it.

[Tony T]

People and situations are way too complicated to give you a good answer on this one. However, he feels bad enough about the relationship to want to get out of it. If he feels bad about getting a divorce, it's only because of the hassle involved, most likely.

 

Relationships change over the years. People who come into them often have lots of emotional and psychological luggage from their dysfunctional childhoods. Lots of people hold in anger until it bursts...some even murder, most divorce. In that respect, you may be very lucky to be getting out of it with you life. Watch Court TV to see stories about the many who aren't given that option.

 

It doesn't make any difference how bad your husband feels about this. The fact is he wants a divorce and while it's going to be very painful for a while you need to move towards getting this resolved swiftly so you can heal and move forward.

 

In the old days, marriage was for life and divorce was rare. Today, instead of "until death do we part" people are taught "until one of us decides it's time to split."

[Green]

Divorce is probably one of the hardest things you'll have to go through with in your life. You need to move on and try real hard not to think about him and to just think about your kids and your own well being. Dont put him down to the kids and hide all your anger infront of them. Get a good Lawyer and try to settle out of court dont get stuck up on getting some little thing he wants just to hurt him the faster this entire thing is over the better for you. You have the rest of your life ahead of you and many new adventures to go on this isnt the end but a new begining.

[Ladyjane14]

.....He claims that he would not do anything to hurt me or the kids financially, he claims I should trust him. lol...

 

Trust him, huh? :lmao:

 

I hope you already know better than to trust an addict. All an addict cares about is getting his fix... and while it's unfortunate that people get their feelings hurt, the fact that they do won't change his behavior.

 

What you're most likely dealing with is... Infatuation. It's a much more powerful beast than people generally give it credit for being. The addictive qualities of it are both emotional AND physiological. So, someone who's under the influence of it is getting all these 'feel good' chemicals fed to the brain.

 

You've stated that you've been with this man for 18 years. That would put him at an age where midlife crisis is a concern. Guys can begin experiencing midlife changes as early as their late 30's and well on into their 50's.

 

I'm a firm believer that these changes aren't all emotional ones, but rather physiological as well. There's just too much commonality in the range of symptoms for me to believe otherwise, and the key to it all seems to be the search for dopamine. You know, the little red sports car, the midlife sexual affair, the urge to take up mountain-climbing and exotic travel. All designed to elicit a rush of excitement.

 

The rush feels good. It's like a band-aid... keeping the depression at bay.

 

You can imagine how a guy who's looking for a "rush" will respond to the addictive qualities of prolonged infatuation. It's a fairly large cache of dopamine that would last for YEARS. In fact, the shelf-life on infatuation is about two years. An extramartial affair can extend that time for MUCH longer due to the excitement of it being a secret.

 

In the end though, infatuation will either become love or it will dissipate. Infatuation cannot stand over time. So in alot of cases, we see affair partners breaking up within about three years of so from the time they get together out in the open. The problem is that in the interim, they do incredible damage to the people around them. Once the affair is finally over, more often than not the betrayed spouse has "moved on".

 

I think it really is possible to speed up the process of ending an infatuation though. For a BS who wants to fight for her marriage, there are tools available. Books like Surviving an Affair by Willard Harley, and DivorceBusting by Michelle Weiner Davis would be my first thought. The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman would be a good one as well.

 

The general idea is to 'open the cage door', all the while making yourself a more interesting and attractive partner. It's possible that by using these techniques... you can beat the OW at her own game.

 

The cost to you emotionally can be prohibitive though. In alot of respects these techniques call for you to be emotionally supportive and understanding to a partner whose behavior doesn't warrent support or understanding. All the while you are making deposits to your WH's (wayward husband) love bank... you are receiving virtually none. It takes it's toll on the self-esteem, and eventually it takes it's toll on whatever love you had remaining for your partner.

 

In some respects, the most expedient thing you could do would indeed be to "move on". But if you're not ready for that... give those books a try, and consider getting into some IC (individual counseling) in order that you have some emotional support.

 

While I do believe that a partner who is engaged in adultery and actively destroying his family dynamic "feels bad", I don't think those feelings will change the behavior. A cheater must rationalize and justify his actions. Otherwise, he can't give himself permission to cheat in good conscience. In rationalizing, he often "re-writes" the marital history to the point where he, himself, believes his own rhetoric. His behavior becomes justified in his mind.

 

Of course, all relationships have inherent problems and it's VERY important to address those deficits. But you can't address what doesn't exist. The "rationalizations" don't exist. These are smoke and mirrors.

 

The problems that were in place before your husband turned outside of the marriage are the ones that were real and which need to be addressed.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Whoa, Lady Jane you're singing my life with your song! So well put that I've sent it to myself! Another book good book to add is "Why is it always about you?" Help in understanding why the narcissist behaves the way he does.

[whichwayisup]

IFWH, are you with a Narcissist?

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Yes, a full blown text book case! Not a pretty situation at all.

[Guest]

I am an OW and have awakened. You have also written my life although I know it's not for me.

 

Your greatest recommendation is counseling. I am going to get it ASAP and understand what I went through and what I did.

 

I finally woke up! And it was infatuation and also I had to prove to myself that beign with him would pay off in the end. I held on to all of his rationalizations and believed them! All the bad things he said about his wife and his marriage. That's why I got involved in the first place.

 

I will never do this again and I am deeply sorry for causing pain to my MM's wife. I believed him for so long that I HATED HER FROM HER HEAD TO HER TOE. I despised her. And now I regret what I have done to her and wish I could call her to apologize. But it's him who was the most despicable because he told me to believe in us from day one.

 

So thanks Lady Jane. I am going to cure myself and I hope that in my life I will become a blessing as I was 2 years ago before I met him.

[Ladyjane14]

You know Guest... I get in trouble with the OW's here alot. I don't mean to, but I do somehow manage it anyway.

So, it makes me feel better that something I posted was of assistance to you.

 

Good luck with your recovery.

And give some consideration to adopting a screen-name and posting for emotional support if the going gets rough. There are lots of folks here at LS who are dealing with similar situations and would be glad to lend an ear.

 

[Searching]

I can really empathize with you. My advise- let the loser go!! If you think he's the only one for you- you're sadly mistaken. Get out there!! You can do better!!! Really!!!

[whichwayisup]

I am an OW and have awakened. You have also written my life although I know it's not for me.

 

Your greatest recommendation is counseling. I am going to get it ASAP and understand what I went through and what I did.

 

I finally woke up! And it was infatuation and also I had to prove to myself that beign with him would pay off in the end. I held on to all of his rationalizations and believed them! All the bad things he said about his wife and his marriage. That's why I got involved in the first place.

 

I will never do this again and I am deeply sorry for causing pain to my MM's wife. I believed him for so long that I HATED HER FROM HER HEAD TO HER TOE. I despised her. And now I regret what I have done to her and wish I could call her to apologize. But it's him who was the most despicable because he told me to believe in us from day one.

 

So thanks Lady Jane. I am going to cure myself and I hope that in my life I will become a blessing as I was 2 years ago before I met him.

 

Guest, you should be proud of yourself for getting out and moving on! Definately do counselling to help you through this. Learn from this and never let yourself fall for another MM.

 

You knew he was married, and fell for him, but he led you on by convincing you - He lied to you as much as he lied to his wife. He made you hate his wife so he could get what he wanted from you. Selfish and cruel! You're better off without him.

 

Forgive yourself, and don't look back. Maybe for theraputic reasons, write his wife a letter (but do not send it unless you're ready to talk to her and deal with her reactions) so it can help you move on.

[whichwayisup]

Yes, a full blown text book case! Not a pretty situation at all.

 

You should start your own thread, many people here can help you through this. And, if you do a search on N's, some other threads will come up about other people in your situation who are married to N's, trying to either get out or deal with them on a daily basis.