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Need on Cheating Wife....


Infidelity In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concerns here.

 
 
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Old 19th October 2006, 5:48 AM   #1
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Unhappy Need on Cheating Wife....

ive been married 6 years(8years total we have been together), in my 20's and have a 5 year old daughter.wife was my highschool sweetheart and we both really never had serious relationships aside from each other .im a devout husband and my priority is my family. ok now for the problem.........

Caught my wife cheated on me 2 years ago(with her ex/not yet really over it) and tried working on our relationship ever since for the sake of our girl...we kept the infidelity between ourselves(for her to save face) and i forgave her and tried my best to bring back our relationship and be a better husband(after she told me im neglecting her)... recently, just 2 days ago i had my suspicions/strong feelings dats she doing something again behind my back(staying up really late etc.)......last night i finally caught her dat shes been doin dirty stuff over the internet (cybersex,cam to cam ect).... and wen i confronted her she confessed doin dat for few months already. im not really sure if dats all she has done,she even talks to them over the phone. she could have also met these guys... hu knows wat she has been doin.....

she said she not happy with our life and dont know wat she wants...but she was remorseful,very sorry and said would not do it ever again (yeah right..heard dat b4!!!!) but she insists on stayin with me for our daughter.... but can u stay with someone that now u totally dont trust?? dat u feel almost no love for anymore??

now i need some advice on wat to do. i still have the feelings for her(but not sure if it is still LOVE)...... i already gave her chance during the first should i give her another chance? im worried about my lil girl..im still weighing my feelings for my daughter's future(for having a mom).....but i dont want to get hurt over and over again...2 times is enuf for me..... im so confused i sooooooo want to get back at her so she would feel how im feeling but i know it wont make it better.........i feel so low now.....pls help me any advice is appreciated....

Last edited by lifesux; 19th October 2006 at 5:58 AM..
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Old 19th October 2006, 7:19 AM   #2
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I know what your'e going through

Hello.

If its any comfort to you - I've had almost the same experience with my wife.

Really rips your heart knowing that the woman you love is cheating on you with another man. When she tells you that she doesn't have any more feelings for you either that really digs the knife deeper into your heart.

Im coping the best I can - for the sake of our 5-1/2 year old son but believe me its not easy. If you want a better insight into my story - read what I posted last week or so.

Anyway take care and hope at some point you find some happiness and peace. Its rough I know.
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Old 19th October 2006, 9:59 AM   #3
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Your mistake was not exposing her first affair. By keeping it secret you hid it under the rug so there was no consequences to her actions. Now she continues to do these new things. If you had exposed it and made it clear that next time it is divorce, the chances it may not have happened again. I think she feels she can screw around on you and you will keep forgiving her. No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change.

Fool me once - Shame on you
Fool me twice - Shame on me.

It seems pretty clear that your wife has no respect for you and no respect for herself. I feel sorry for you.
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Old 19th October 2006, 11:56 AM   #4
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Lifesux-

I feel your pain. It's tougher when you have kids.

First, you're not to blame for your wife's selfish decision to cheat. Cheaters have a strong sense of entitlement and when caught they feel they are the victim.

If you want to give your wife or marriage a "third" chance, there are specific steps that "may" help your marriage. Check out www.marriagebuilders.com which deals primarily as the title says, following infidelity. Read "Surviving an Affair", "Her Needs, His Needs" and steps in Plan A & B. One of the MB principles is to EXPOSE the affair to both sides, families included because affair thrives on secrecy.

It's a tough road ahead because affair is like a drug addiction. It's a fantasy. Your wife, if she's willing to acknowledge her responsibility in it, will go through withdrawal symptoms from the OM (sex addiction). You two should seek marriage counseling and your wife may need individual counseling to help her understand why she cheated in the first place.

The hardest part for you will be rebuilding trust. If you want to rebuild your marriage, you will have to trust. But that doesn't mean you should settle to being a doormat and that's exactly how she has been treating you and your marriage. Set boundaries for you, your daughter and marriage. Sometimes, in Plan B, you may have to kick your wife out and let her live. "reality" without you and your daughter if she continues to cheat.

Good luck.
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Old 20th October 2006, 1:15 AM   #5
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update

had another talk with my wife yesterday....but this time our families know of the situation.....so we had a talk and i had another revelation from her(since i told her i dont want secrets just spill it out) that she did physically cheat again about 2 months ago wen i was out of the country, and she swore that was everything :evil: . i went nuts..........so i did tell her were done and asked her to leave but our lil girl will stay with me.....she didnt want this and said she wants our girl and wants to stay for her.....after i screamed my heart out, punched some walls, i calmed down and went our for a breather. she went inside the bathroom wer she did the most stupid thing and overdosed herself with tylenol......after i found out about it few minutes later i called her mom then took her to the hospital.... shes still in recovery and im more confused than ever :cry: ........this is so f*c*ed up...

I was raised in an environment of close family ties.....had a talk with both family parties and they are both very supportive of me and what ever i will decide(but i feel wat they want is to give my wife another chance for my lil girl).....what breaks my heart is that my lil girl kinda knows wants goin on, with all the crying, fighting she saw..she even told me wen i went back to the hospital to take care of her mom... :cry:

i still dont really know wat to do...but i really need a normal,calm conversation with the wife, i need to know wat she really wants to do with her life.....ill let her recover for now, that will give us both time to think.........i just want to let u guys know i do feel better wen i post here and thank you for all ur comments and advices. Thank You Again, Goodluck and Godbless....
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Old 20th October 2006, 1:23 AM   #6
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Quote:
she went inside the bathroom wer she did the most stupid thing and overdosed herself with tylenol......after i found out about it few minutes later i called her mom then took her to the hospital.... shes still in recovery and im more confused than ever :cry: ........this is so f*c*ed up...
Because of this, she MUST be evaluted by a doctor. This shows some mental stability issues...Please get her help. And even more so cuz of this, there is no way she should have full custody .... sorry to say that.
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Old 20th October 2006, 1:34 AM   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Cardinal64 View Post
Hello.

If its any comfort to you - I've had almost the same experience with my wife.

Really rips your heart knowing that the woman you love is cheating on you with another man. When she tells you that she doesn't have any more feelings for you either that really digs the knife deeper into your heart.

Im coping the best I can - for the sake of our 5-1/2 year old son but believe me its not easy. If you want a better insight into my story - read what I posted last week or so.

Anyway take care and hope at some point you find some happiness and peace. Its rough I know.
hello Cardinal64

our problems are really almost the same.... with the wife wants the "FREEDOM" being able to do anything with out restrictions. i do feel the same way wen about thinking of cheating as i love very dearly my little girl...

after reading your post...kinda good to know someone know how i feel and not alone...but i am also very sorry for wat also happend to you...

i hope also in time you will find wat your looking for "a relationship based on mutual love, trust and respect."

Takecare and Godbless.
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Old 20th October 2006, 1:52 AM   #8
 
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Originally Posted by whichwayisup View Post
Because of this, she MUST be evaluted by a doctor. This shows some mental stability issues...Please get her help. And even more so cuz of this, there is no way she should have full custody .... sorry to say that.
I totally agree!
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Old 20th October 2006, 7:16 AM   #9
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Hi again lifesux.

Yeah from reading your story - damn its like I was reading my own words.
Weird how our situations are so similar.
I also kept my wife's first affair basically to myself - but regret doing so now. I realize that she just took that as a green light to do whatever she wanted. Its not only that she disrespected me - but more importantly I disrespected myself. Now she has the hots for a much younger guy - and Im sure - can't wait to plunge herself fullfledged into an affair with him. That, I think is why she seems so upbeat lately and wants me out of the house as soon as possible.

I've spoken to my family and my wife's family about our marital situation - they both feel for me. Her family - for the most part - is sympathetic but will eventually come to accept whatever happens. After all she's their daughter, sister. My family - of course - worry about me and our son - and have given me a lot of solid support. They have basically turned their back on my wife because of her infidelity and for wanting a separation.

My wife has become a different woman to me. While, she displays a lot of affection and love to our son - to me - virtually nothing. I feel at times like I'm completely invisible to her.

Anyway, take care .

Cardinal64
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Old 20th October 2006, 7:51 AM   #10
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It sounds like she wants her freedom to screw other men and put your health at risk for STD's. I hope you get tested immediately. This is no way to live a life and be humiliated and disrespected time and again. You need to seek full custody. She is not stable and will take down your whole family if you allow it. I wish you luck.
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Old 20th October 2006, 6:40 PM   #11
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Quote:
Originally Posted by whichwayisup View Post
Because of this, she MUST be evaluted by a doctor. This shows some mental stability issues...Please get her help. And even more so cuz of this, there is no way she should have full custody .... sorry to say that.

I agree FULLY with this, contact a lawyer NOW! Ask him about this kind of situation, and go for FULL custody, no need for you to have to suffer because of this womans actions anymore. DON'T wait for her, she'll fight you into the ground over her girl, and she'll have no mercy, although she's the one who screwed around. And you'll end up the loser, and paying BIG money for HER mistake!
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Old 21st October 2006, 2:14 PM   #12
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You know that saying - fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me? You already bent over backwards to forgive her terrible indiscretion - instead of being genuinely remorseful and respecting your forgiveness, she selfishly decided to trample all over it. She has proven by her actions that she is not sincere about wanting to follow the right path.

You magnanimously gave her a second change, don't foolishly give her a third. The time has come to get this cheating woman out of your life, and find yourself someone who can be a loyal lover and make you and your family happy, instead of ripping them apart. Contact the best divorce lawyer in town, and kcik her sorry ass to the kerb. Make sure you get firm evidence of her first affair and her current behaviour too - if you can afford it, hiring a private investigator may be useful. Oh, and make sure you tell all your mutual friends, relatives and acquaintances about her affair and cheating behaviour - that is the surest way to stop it, and will save some other sucker from ending up with her once you leave.

Last edited by mental_traveller; 21st October 2006 at 2:16 PM..
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Old 22nd October 2006, 5:28 AM   #13
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hello again....first of all i would like to thank everyone for reading and posting your comments and advices....its been few days since the revelations from the wife and i have been very confused these past few days. i did a lot of reflecting about what i want and what gonna happen if i do this if i do that...

ok now for an update wat has happened.....after got the wife back from the hospital, i let her rest and did not talk about anything....i wanted her to feel better b4 anything happens again(at this point i still did not want to see or even talk to her, i was just restraining my feelings).. well anyway after a time of rest almost a day i guess...

i asked her if we could talk and and we did..it was the most serious talk ever we had,, after i dont know how long.. this is the talk i wanted wer she let her shield of lies down and had a very open talk of what she wanted(at this point i did not have a fixed decision on what i should do),after i and she said all the stuff we both wanted to say... i asked her want she really WANTED to do with her life(i asked her this repeatedly) and can she change,b4 she answered i made her a LAST offer to make this work if dats wat she really wanted from the deepest place in her heart or if not we will end the relationship. i also asked her to think wer will she be most happy(living like a single person or with her family)

(i know most of u think i must be crazy for giving her another chance, but i felt and realized i need to do this for my daughter, i would rather risk of being hurt again than not to TRY to give my lil girl a happy future...i love my girl more than anything in the world and i know my wife does to...)

so after sometime i left her to think...she said she doesnt want to hurt me anymore and regretting everything she did...she then answered me that she wanted to TRY and said she wanted to change but asked me to HELP her change( hesitantly i do believe her as she looked at me i saw her sincerity ). I told her i will be there but i cannot promise her to be happy all the time and dat one more foul and she knows its over(told her she wont get our lil girl, and this she knows and agrees on)...i told her its not gonna be easy as we both have a lot of work to do to build our realationship again(especially her)... i know giving her this chance i will not regret as this is wat i wanted from the bottom of my heart, watever happens on the way in rebuilding our life....

sorry for the lengthy post but i just wanted to share my experience..i hope this will my last post about asking for an advice...but ill still post hoping to enlighted someone else... again i thank everyone for all they comments and advice(it did help me to think)....i wish you all the luck and prayers for everyone that has the same troubles and hope u will find peace in the future.Godbless us all.....
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Old 22nd October 2006, 4:48 PM   #14
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You BETTER make sure that she cuts ALL ties with OM, her life HAS to be an open book to you, cell phone, phone, computer, where she's going, with whom, when, where, why, how, and how long. Cell phone bills being detailed is a MUST! Install a keylogger, etc. She has to earn your trust back, not the other way around, no consiquences = no change. I dunno if I forgot anything......anyone? Please keep us updated.
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Old 22nd October 2006, 5:28 PM   #15
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Keep in mind its very hard for father to get custody....let alone for a young daughter. If shes fights for custody, barring any drugs, neglect or abuse the odds are she will maintain primary custody.
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