POLL" Who never told spouse about affair?"

[lovelylady1234]

I was wondering the stories of people who had affairs and never told thier signifigant other, and what was the result emotionally?

[Mz. Pixie]

If you're ready to wallow in guilt for the rest of your life, go ahead and don't tell.

 

See, here is the thing. I thought by not telling I was protecting him from pain- or so I told myself. In reality though I was only protecting myself from the consequences of my actions. Deep down, that was the real reason and I rationalized it by saying it would be too painful for him, and that it was something I needed to carry- not him.

 

So, if you're telling yourself that you need to examine the real reasons you're not telling.

[cranium]

I didn't tell for more than 10 years. I wouldn't say I wallowed in guilt all that time, but it did eat away at me. I became depressed more than anything.

 

Like many others, I chose to have an A because of unmet needs, specifically demonstrated affection, physical desire and sex. Even though I had exhausting conversations with my wife for years before my A, nothing ever changed. OW came along and made it very, very clear she wanted me. So, I was stupid for a few months.

 

At home, nothing continued to change or improve after my affair. So much so, I became resigned to my marriage and basically withdrew into being the utilitarian husband my wife was demonstrating she wanted. Our relationship continued to suffer and ultimately she had an A.

 

I caught her, but did not come clean about mine for another year. I thought I could protect her from the pain of knowing (like Mz. P) and we could work on reconciliation without her needing to know. This was also protecting me from the consequences of my actions. But, I have no doubt my A ultimately contributed to hers, so in a way, I did suffer some consequences.

 

There were selfish reasons for coming clean as well. I was fully committed to reconciling after discovering her A, but improving our relationship was not going to be just about me fulfilling needs she felt I had neglected. A year after her A, she had made efforts, but still wasn't really addressing my needs. I knew she might leave when she found out about my A, but I also knew she wasn't "getting it" and having the knowledge may help her understand where I had been coming from for years. We'd either be done, or she would participate more fully in our reconciliation.

 

For the first six months of this year, she was done. Now, we are back on track and have made good progress.

[InaPanic]

I didn't want to tell & I do truly believe it was to protect him more than me. Of course part of it was to keep things like they were & not open up a can of worms but i know without a doubt i wanted to spare him the pain.

I couldn't do it. The guilt was eating me like a cancer. I finally broke down & told him. I went from being a weepy, depressed, can't get out of bed or take a shower person to being a whole lot better. It was a huge weight off of me. Problem is, now he's got a bunch of worries & concerns & self-esteem issues & fears.

Do i wish i hadn't told him? Almost every single day since i did tell him. Do i think i could have gone on without telling him? Absolutely not.

I think some people can & some people can't. Now i feel better but he's much worse.

[Blackfrost]

This poll may be slightly passed over by alot of the regulars here, as many of them talk pretty frequently through IM and apart from this board. Hence, if they haven't admitted to doing anything like that when they first joined - chances are they aren't going to suddenly admit it now. :bunny:

[Guest-stealth]

It started almost a year ago, and ended about six months ago.

 

Why? Lack of affection from the spouse (same old whine.)

 

How? Met her on line, than in person. She lives somewhere I travel a lot to business for. She never asked if I was married, but new I had kids.

 

It made me feel like a new man, until she started wanting more. She said on line that she didn't want a commitment but that changed. I ended it at that point.

 

Guilty? for hurting her, yes. For betraying my spouse? not at all.

 

Wife never new and will never no.

[whichwayisup]

For betraying my spouse? not at all.

 

Then that means you'll cheat again. And then end it as the OW falls in deeper.

 

Why don't you fix things with your wife? Go to counselling?

[Guest-stealth]

Then that means you'll cheat again. And then end it as the OW falls in deeper.

 

Why don't you fix things with your wife? Go to counselling?

Correct, I'll probly cheat again. Next time I'll go for a married woman instead of a single who's 'not looking for commitment.'

 

My wife and I are not in love, but have a decent partnership. Bringing our problems to the surface could risk that. To much to loose. (And I'm not here for help thankyou, just responding to a poll.)

[Flyin in Clouds]

I didn't want to tell & I do truly believe it was to protect him more than me. Of course part of it was to keep things like they were & not open up a can of worms but i know without a doubt i wanted to spare him the pain.

I couldn't do it. The guilt was eating me like a cancer. I finally broke down & told him. I went from being a weepy, depressed, can't get out of bed or take a shower person to being a whole lot better. It was a huge weight off of me. Problem is, now he's got a bunch of worries & concerns & self-esteem issues & fears.

Do i wish i hadn't told him? Almost every single day since i did tell him. Do i think i could have gone on without telling him? Absolutely not.

I think some people can & some people can't. Now i feel better but he's much worse.

 

Well I'll say this... when a woman cheats on her husband, often it leaves the same emotional (emotional - not physical) scars as rape does to a woman. Not for all men of course, but for some men the betrayal has as deep and life long lasting emotional damage as done by rape. I know some women will get all enraged by that comparision, saying no way is it the same. But the emotional damage is just as bad. Many men kill themselves, as do rape victims. On a different forum, one woman's husband hung himself and she blamed him for being weak... wow... I think I'd hang my self having been married to a woman like that too...

 

I can't imagine anything my wife could to do hurt me more than cheating on me. I also know fromt talking to someone on another forum that had been molested as a child and cheated on by his wife. I asked which he felt was worse. The cheating wife by far. He'd rather be raped than cheated on.

 

Self Esteem issues? Let's see if my wife cheats on me does that say something about me? Yes. And about her? yes.

 

Would I ever trust her again? No. Never. There would always be a doubt in the back of my mind. The ugly images of her doing it... the nightmare would be there.

 

 

And I'm so glad you feel better now... There's love for you. You "raped" your husband. So now what. You want absolution? Forgiveness? You believe your husband should just forgive, forget and get over it? You think you deserve it?

[Flyin in Clouds]

...

Guilty? for hurting her, yes. For betraying my spouse? not at all.

 

Wife never new and will never no.

 

Never? Sure about that? Ever talk in your sleep?

 

Now there's a real man. Swell guy. A with guts too...

 

What a conscience. And man of his word.

 

Why don't you just divorce your wife if she's cold to you. Oh, that would be the honest and upright thing to do. And cheaters aren't that. If you got divroced and married some new woman she'd make you feel like a new man again too, huh....

 

Of course the only poetic justice here is your wife has probably been cheating on you for years, which is why she doesn't want any peice of you.

 

And you'll never know.

[Flyin in Clouds]

Correct, I'll probly cheat again. Next time I'll go for a married woman instead of a single who's 'not looking for commitment.'

 

You do know that some guys get pissed off when they find their wife fooling around with another man and blow a hole in the other guys head and maybe his wife's too. So you might want to invest in some bullet proof armor.

 

If it is true your wife and you don't love each other, but want to remain partners, why not be honest with her and let her fool around too, kind of support each others outside hobbies...???

[Mz. Pixie]

I also know fromt talking to someone on another forum that had been molested as a child and cheated on by his wife. I asked which he felt was worse. The cheating wife by far. He'd rather be raped than cheated on.

 

 

Well if he feels that way then I can't fault him for his feelings- however he might not have experienced what I experienced as a child.

 

I can tell you 100 percent it would be easier for me to get over my husband cheating on me than being a victim of sexual, emotional, physical and verbal abuse during my childhood.

 

As a child you're put into this situation and it's forced upon you. Often times you can't get out of it either because it's a family member who lives in the primary home. You're stuck.

 

As an adult you're not. As an adult you're responsible as well for any choices that you make that contribute to an affair. Each partner has to take ownership of their actions. Was the cheater wrong?? Absolutely. But many times people cheat because their needs are not being met and there are already issues in the marriage. An affair is a symptom of something being missing in the marriage.

 

There are many times as well that people marry people who have red flags all over the place and then they are surprised when the person cheats. In that case, as an adult they are responsible for the choices and decisions that they have made.

 

As a child you are not. Also, when you're a child your entire personality is forming and you're framing how you see the world and people in general as well as your self esteem- as an adult that's already been done. While I'm sure that it's hurtful and painful and life altering it's just totally not the same.

 

As an adult you can walk away and chalk it up to the person just being a complete jerk. As a child you do not have that choice.

[Flyin in Clouds]

....

I can tell you 100 percent it would be easier for me to get over my husband cheating on me than being a victim of sexual, emotional, physical and verbal abuse during my childhood.

 

Dear Mz P,

 

I would tend to agree on the childhood issue. However ...

 

This is one of the big differences between how men and women view adultery.

 

For a women cheater the sex was really no bid deal. It's over, it's done. move on... there is no more emotional connection which is what women view as the big deal in their affair. Few women have an affair purely for the sex. For most it's the emotional negelect from their spouse they want to replace with the connection to their lover.

 

For the husband of a cheating wife however the sexual part of his wife's affair is the bigger part of the deal. (generally speaking, exceptional cases noted). And the emotional part didn't matter so much. Why? Because for men sex is the big deal in an affair or their relationship with a woman. If defines who we are as men. Trophy wife? Yes, the more powerful, rich and important a guy is the prettier the wife he can afford to "buy". A man's wife says a whole lot about who he is. The contest is really between the two men, and the woman in the affair is just a pawn. She's a "conquest". The OM is proving he's the superior male. He nailed the other guys wife. He could take her away.. He's got the bigger ... well, figuratively if not literally. And worst of all the husband can't be sure that his kids are really his. A mother always knows she's the mother of her children. How can a father be certain, short of a DNA test?

 

More importantly if a man cheats on his wife, well she's hurt by the betrayal. She might lose her man to the OW. Why she'd want to keep such a man is beyond me. And again the sex doesn't matter so much as the perceived emotional abandonment and transfer to the OW. It is the emotional issue that takes precedent for the betrayed wife. And while he might have strayed, which is a man's nature she can rationalize, if he comes back to the wife, she wins and the OW loses. The the cheating wife comes back, well the husband gets back "damaged goods". The betrayed husband loses either way. And the sex (other than STDs) is really no big deal from the wife's POV so long as she's guaranteed that the emotional connectin to the other woman is severed. And there is no question of who's the father of the loyal wife's child.

 

For a man that cheats on his wife, for him it was just good sex. No big deal. He didn't really love her. He loves his wife. It's over, it's done, move on...

 

I think it is much harder for a man to get over his wife's affair than it is for a wife to get over her husband's affair. (and of course that is generally speaking. exceptions to that rule noted, but for the majority of men and women...) And that assumes of course that the betrayed man cares at all about his wife. He may in fact care nothing for his wife but be just as upset due to his hurt pride. But the more he really cares about his wife the deeper the hurt. If he cares not at all he simply says good bye.

 

Each partner has to take ownership of their actions. Was the cheater wrong?? Absolutely. But many times people cheat because their needs are not being met and there are already issues in the marriage.

The betrayed spouse never did anything wrong. They are a victim. Don't blame the victim for the cheater's poor judgement and lack of moral character.

 

If there are "issues" in the marrige then either address them or end the marrage. But do not use them as a rationalization for why it was OK to cheat.

 

An affair is a symptom of something being missing in the marriage.

Yes and so is divorce.

 

As an adult you can walk away and chalk it up to the person just being a complete jerk. As a child you do not have that choice.

The guy was actually speaking as an adult. Would be rather be raped or have his wife cheat on him. While he was molested as a child, he was answering the question as an adult and which would he prefer as an adult.

 

His view was that if he was raped that was forced upon him, much as being a cuckold was forced upon him. The difference to him was that the rapist was someone that didn't love him or care about him and or he didn't even know. While his wife that did cuckold him supposedly loved him and was someone he trusted.

 

To him the betrayal of someone he trusted and loved was the far greater hurt.

[Sup]

I see what you mean, and agree, mostly.