Jump to content

my husband watches porn.


Recommended Posts

This is complicated for me so I'll try to keep this short.

My husband of one year watches pornography.

If I had not snooped ( and I don't know why I felt the need to, I wonder if I have insecurities about myself and the relationship I am not aware of) I would not know he even indulged in this stuff.

1). Our sex life is what I think is good. (maybe he doesn't?) so I never suspected.

2-3 times a week. Would you call that pretty active.

2.) I thought I had a pretty high regard for myself but after finding out he enjoys watching other naked women have sex I am wondering if there's something missing with me that he fulfills on the internet.

3.) He's a student but he does his work, spends time me our 6month old child and I, is affectionate and I can tell he adores me and loves me. All around a good husband and father. I never would have imagined he enjoyed porn.

 

I wonder if I am irrationally connecting his porn use to me, I have heard the men are visual, porn has nothing to do with you or how good the sex is etc.

I am wondering if I am taking this a little too seriously considering it's not like he is spending hours on the computer neglecting our needs to download porn.

Nor is he spending any money on it for movies.

a) He spends 10-20 minutes on it, not always daily, but close to it. And only really late at night when all he needs to have done is done and the baby and I are sleeping. He's up late with hw a lot of the time so I can't be up all night with him all the time. Perhaps it's to relieve some stress. Perhaps it's a break from hw or a way to wind down after finishing. I wish he'd just wake me up if he's feeling horny but I have a feeling he's letting me rest cuz he knows how busy I am with the baby all day and stuff. But at times like this I wish he would just wake me up I'd be happy,but he feels bad doing so.

b) He doesn't create any financial issues with the porn. The only thing he watches are the previews (the lil clips that offer a snatch of what the movies, which do require payment, will show) that are bout 15 seconds long. I think he just likes surfing the different sites and watching the short clips. None of this needs money.

 

Unlike other women who feel insecure next to airbrushed beauties like porn star Jenna Jameson, my husband watches amateur porn, which somehow bothers me MORE. cuz it seems less about fantasy and more about people like you and me. These people are not attractive at all, but they are engaging in really kinky sex. Maybe THAT'S what turns him on, not necessarily the women involved. You know what I mean. But it bothers me just the same, that he can get turned on by other average people having sex. It just seems as if it's cuz I am lacking in the spice dept. he needs to watch other people do it, like voyeurism.

 

So you know what I did? I tried to enact some of the kinky stuff in the videos. His reaction was so opposite to what I expected I was shocked. He told me why was I doing these cheap acts that were below my dignity when our sex was so nice and sexy in its own way. WHere did I learn this stuff, he asked, quite uncomfortable with the whole thing. Er, by looking at what you were looking at???

So it's totally a turn on to watch others go at it, but when wifey tries to act a little spicey it's nasty and dirty and cheap? Please someone help me figure this out.

 

When I finally did confront him about it, non emotionally, he just told me it was pure entertainment and he didn't understand why it bothered me so much...and he was hurt I would go snooping through his computer, he told me what was he doing that it seemed I couldn't trust him..After that talk though, instead of stopping, he just hides it from me now. I know this cuz I still check his computer and his history is suspicously way too clean and devoid of any sites, even non porn ones. I talked to him about that too why hide it if nothign is wrong with it. He told me that's the point, he feels nothing is wrong with it at all, so for me to keep being uncomfortable with it makes him feel bad that I feel so bad, but he doesnt' want to just give up something he feels is not wrong and his own right to enjoy. So to spare my feelings he hides it. ANd then he got angry and asked how long was I gonna keep snooping..it's becuz of this snooping and seeing the sites and then me being consequently upset that causes him to erase the evidence so I don't get upset. He hates feeling guilty for something he honestly feels he shouldn't feel guilty about...

he hides it on the computer but when I ask if he looks he's honest "Yes I watch it."

 

Maybe I AM the one who's making an issue of this. It's not like he's neglecting his life for porn. I mean he's on it for not even half an hour, not even 10 minutes some days. He goes frequently but the time spent on it each day is pretty small isn't it...i don't know what my problem is. Or is my problem?

 

You know, when I was pregnant and couldn't perform sex all the time I was ok with him looknig at porn. And I thought since he couldn't get it on with me he needed to release it through that. But I am back to my slim self and energetic as hell and we're back to our nice sex but he looks at it, if not MORE. Isn't that strange? More sex, yet more porn???

I guess at least he's just doing it when I am asleep..if he was doing it when I was sitting around in the next room waiting for him, I would not even be posting this, I would be packing.

 

I am sorry this was so long. But please help me with your wise advise, I just want to be as open minded as I can, I love my husband.

 

ps I have even suggested watching it together but he doesn't want any of that. He seems to want to keep the porn viewing private. It's only the internet by the way, no magazines not even interested in the tv or videos..just the internet.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Well, to a great extent this is such an individual thing that it is hard for someone to come and tell you that porn is bad or porn is good or porn is ok.

 

However, I will say that I have been reading a lot about porn on the internet and porn addiction, etc. My H also looked at porn but only once in a while; still we were in a sexless marriage at that time so it bothered me greatly. Right now he is not watching it but I wonder.

 

What strikes me about your situation is 1) the frequency - almost daily is a lot - and I would keep an eye on whether it starts to increase in frequency 2) the fact that it bothers you should be enough for him to be willing to give it up if it is NOT at a near-addiction level. That is, the fact that he is unable/unwilling to give it up even though he knows it bothers you is a red flag in and of itself. The old "which is more important" question.

 

You have a good sex life and he seems to meet the family needs and is responsible and all of that, so to a point I could see it being reasonable to let him have this indulgence if it didn't bother you. But again, it does bother you and he should respect that, and again, the danger is that if left unchecked it can become an addiction to the point of substituting for real sex.

 

As for you trying to recreate some of those magic moments in the bedroom, I think a lot of guys have no desire to really live out those fantasies and most especially with their sweet wives. I would not try to alter a successful sex life!!! Also, sometimes this can lead to suspicion on a man's part - 1) that he is not pleasing you 2) where did you learn all that? Are you seeing someone else?

 

I would sit him down and tell him honestly and openly how it makes you feel. I don't know what your precise fears and concerns are, but he should. Most women feel some lessening of self-esteem in response to a husband watching porn. And most worry that it will become an obsession and eventually interfere with a normal sex life. Maybe if he can understand why it bothers you it will help. Maybe if you can understand better what he gets out of it it will help. My gut instinct is that it should be enough that it does bother you for him to be willing to give it up. It sounds like you have a good marriage otherwise and that you are not trying to control his entire life and change him in a thousand ways, etc so it shouldn't be a big deal for him to forego this to make you feel better. If he thinks it is asking too much, then it sounds like his interest in it is already beyond "pure entertainment". There are other ways to find entertainment, if that is all it really is.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Our sex life is what I think is good....

 

He's a student but he does his work, spends time me our 6month old child and I, is affectionate and I can tell he adores me and loves me. All around a good husband and father.

What else should matter? There are a great many men who enjoy porn (though they may be a bit embarrased about it.) If that's the only thing he does that bothers you, I'd say you're pretty lucky.;)

Link to post
Share on other sites
i suggest you let your husband make a porn of the two of you. that way he can watch that.

Great idea! Especially since he's into the amateur sites.:bunny:

 

Ladybug, I had another realization. I've been married 16 years, and dated my wife two and a half years before that. The only periods during that entire time I lost interest in porn was during the infatuation stage of our relationship (roughly the first two years) and twice since when I was infatuated with other women and seriously considering cheating.

 

Restating for emphasis: When I wasn't interested in porn is when I was closest to cheating on my wife.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

you know what stoopid guy...hehe you don't seem at ALL stupid so I feel funny calling you by your id name but oh well. That thing you said about NOT being interested in porn when closest to cheating? I remember vaguely a friend's husband of mine saying that too...

It just emphasizes (now I am not judging it to be bad or good just saying) to me that I honestly think that men are wired not to be monogamous or something, much as we women HATE to think that. I certainly hate to think it. But no matter how much we hate it, I think men will always look at women and their bodies and even if we didn't have any porn and it dropped off the face of the earth there would be something else similar I do think. But I also do think men have a strange knack of being able to compartmentalize looking and women and totally being in love with A woman. I can't fully understand it either, for I am a woman but I think it;s there believe it or not.

Porn just seems to be such a complicated issue. All of a sudden our nice loving husbands are turned into horrible cheating animals when discovered with porn...it's very complicated.

 

As for the video. You know what? I actually suggested that, and it turned him OFF. Seriously no joke. He told me that would be beyond my dignity and would turn our wonderful love making into a dirty act on display even if we were the only ones watching it. Hmm. So it's alright to watch completely anonymous people going at it in all sorts of fashions but when lovey wifey even suggests it *gasp* it's dirty and horrible.

See that is what I don't get. Although our sex is great (thank god) overall he really likes my wholesome clean image (I am considered very pretty but in a clean cut chic sorta way if you know what I mean) and the crisp clean way I dress (he says I look sexiest in a white blouse and a pencil skirt and pumps) so when I even remotely ( I mean like 0.0000001 %) even resemble dressing like some of the women in video he hates it. As in if I bare too much skin (which I do think should be done in moderation or it looks cheap) he says something about it, but other women looking like that and him enjoying the view is fine. Strange strange strange someone help me figure THAT one out.

 

Oh btw, I have nothing against him looking at other women and commenting. I have enough confidence in myself to know that just cuz a guy notices a pretty woman doesn't mean he wants to be with her. I actually think a guy who emphasizes that he doesn't look is just lying to placate his woman. But hey that's just my opinion, maybe I am biased against men. tee hee.

 

And also call me weird, maybe naive, but I don't even have anything against him going to strip clubs (I have seen that has been quite an issue here on this board as well) I KNOW there is a lot of crap going on there, and some men who can;t get their morals straight will do antying available but I trust and love my husband enough to know he'll just stick with enjoying the view. Hell, if some nice boobed lady was dancing like that in front of me, I'd look myself! I find out otherwise then all hell breaks loose. But until then I trust him, and so far nothing fishy has happened that I know of.

And can I add just how the wrong friends can cause a man to be in a not so nice situation? There was one time my husband did go to a strip club with these school pals of his. Apparently some stripper took a liking to my husband and tried to do everything to seduce him. I heard he turned down her advances and said he had to leave now to get home to his wife and daughter. ANd instead of thinking that was cool, the guys dissed him, and they were dissing him so bad the next day that's how I heard indirectly. How could he turn down that "fine piece of ass"...NICE guys. Real nice.

Well I'll take my "loser wussy no fun party pooper" (as they called him) husband any day over any of them. It would SUCK to be their partners wouldn't it. And after that night they did everything to not include him in anything cuz he was no fun. I told him he didnt' need those morally imcompetent bastards (all married by the way). Ok maybe I was too harsh in calling them bastards but as a woman it just made me feel horrible and angry.

 

Anyway the bottomline is, he's a wonderful man and keeps his boundaries when confronted by face to face temptation, but it's this little porn thing, albeit just 15 minutes a day that kinda tickles at me you know???

 

But thanks so much for the replies, but unfortunately the video idea didn't work..

Link to post
Share on other sites

If there were no problems in your marriage until you snooped around and discovered he was spending 15 minutes a day or so looking at porn, then why get stressed about it? It obviously wasn't affecting your marriage, your sex life, his love for you, his responsibilities to you and the marriage, his job, whatever. When you ask him, he doesn't lie to you about looking at porn, so why continue to check up on his computer usage? Why turn it into a big deal when he's probably been doing this since long before he met you?

 

So it's alright to watch completely anonymous people going at it in all sorts of fashions but when lovey wifey even suggests it *gasp* it's dirty and horrible.
Yep, as you discovered, he likes to watch other people have sex and do dirty things together, but he doesn't actually want to do them. The appeal is the dirty nature of it. That's how fantasy works. Sometimes, the kinky things that turn us on when we're fantasizing and horny, are things that we'd never want to do (for example, women fantasizing about gang bangs/group sex or non-consensual sex, two VERY common sexual fantasies women use while masturbating).

 

And sometimes those same things that turn us on when we're masturbating are things that we're completely turned off by, or are embarrassing to us, or freak us out when we're not masturbating - which is probably why he doesn't want to watch porn with you or make porn with you.

 

Don't make this a problem since it wasn't one before you knew about it. What's the point?

 

Be open with him about the sexual things you like and the things you'd like to try and the things that turn you on and do those. Don't try to do the things you think he'd like because of what you saw in those porn clips.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi LadyBug,

 

I wouldn't worry too much. All guys, well almost all guys like to watch porn, even some women. Even if they have a extremely good sex life, they STILL like a bit of porn. Also, some people have higher sex drives than others, so they need more release I suppose.

 

As long as you two are still having sex and he's nice and loving towards you, then I don't think you should worry yourself over it. Also guys sometimes hide it after being caught because they find it embarressing or they don't want you to see it again and get all funny. I mean especially if they do this on a daily basis they won't like to have that tension with you every day over porn. Also some guys get a thrill from hiding it and being on the edge of being caught too.

 

I hope you resolve your issues and keep happy! Like I said porn is so common and if he remains the same with you, I wouldn't worry too much.

 

Good luck.

Link to post
Share on other sites
It just emphasizes (now I am not judging it to be bad or good just saying) to me that I honestly think that men are wired not to be monogamous or something, much as we women HATE to think that. I certainly hate to think it. But no matter how much we hate it, I think men will always look at women and their bodies and even if we didn't have any porn and it dropped off the face of the earth there would be something else similar I do think. But I also do think men have a strange knack of being able to compartmentalize looking and women and totally being in love with A woman. I can't fully understand it either, for I am a woman but I think it;s there believe it or not.
How do you define "mongamous?" If it's "only being sexually interested in one woman," then most men aren't that way except when infatuated. If it's "only having sex with one woman," then most of us are wire to be that way, at least for the right woman. If a woman makes me feel secure and good about myself, I'm going to want to make her feel the same.

 

The comfort of a good LTR is a stronger "wired" feeling than the desire to have sex with as many women as possible.:p

 

And this isn't just men either. Women admire men besides their husbands.;)

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Thank you again for those who took the time to read my little novelettes and responding. I used to come here years ago when I was in college and life just got so busy I forgot and then I was surfing Yahoo and here it was~

And again, the objective replies and viewpoints have remained the same and it helps me clear my head, even though sometimes it's not always advice I want to hear. I went and posted this problem on another message board before refinding this place and the answers (only like one person answered hehe) were that because he watched it daily he had a serious addiction and needed help and I had to leave him fast.

 

I am not trying to justify anything here to make me feel better I am seeing this as objective as I can. But a lot of women (I don't want to generalize so I am saying "a lot") are very easy to label a behavior they don't like or understand as addictive behavior. Maybe I have a different definition to addictive but when I posted this question I had no thought in my mind my husband was ADDICTED to it just that he watched it frequently so it the comment kinda blew me away. I don't consider 15 minutes a day addictive behavior. It just seems that a frequent dose of porn is considered addictive while playing video games for hours on end is bypassed by most women. I mean if that was called an addiction wouldn't playing video games for hours every day also be labelled a game addiction. But when I make this analogy I am scoffed at, that it;s not the same thing. But how are we women so sure it's not the same thing? It's a different kind of fantasy in a way, although one is sexual and the other is not. And when both become an addiction they take away from the relationship just the same. Maybe I am not making any sense, but I just wonder and speculate why we (hey even me!) take pornography (which is in a way just images of people have raunchy sex) so personally while sitting for hours on end virtually shooting people, even interacting with other game players in shooting virtual people, is ok.

 

My husband watches it couple times a week to daily, yes.

If it were for 3-4 hours daily I would be a little upset.

But if it had been that long every day I would have definitely noticed a change in the relationship. I don't think it's easy to live an efficient life if you're on the computer for whatever reasons for 3-4 hours everyday. And if it's for porn that makes it worse.

But he's labelled to have an addiction.

He also plays video games daily for about 20 minutes.

Would that be labelled an addiction?

Or he does his email daily for about 10minutes.

So because he does that daily it's an addiction?

He checks up on sports highlights every day.

Is that an addiction?

In total he basically spends about an hour to two total on the computer covering all those things...

Yet he's still a PORN addict.

 

Again I am not trying to justify anythhing. If he is indeed an addict so be it.

But it just got me thinking in general I guess and maybe I just want to spark up a good discussion. :)

 

Thanks again, I guess I won;'t need to worry about this so much.

It was my darn fault for snooping I guess. Which I will really try not to do anymore.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

yes that's pretty much how I define monogamous.

I just don't think that men all of a sudden when they get committed to someone or married see ONLY that person for the rest of his life.

It's an ideal a lot of us women have of course, but I think it's unreasonable.

Looking at them and thinking a woman is pretty is different from going out and having sex with her. A man can definitely be wired to want only their woman sexually but at the same time view another attractive woman sexually. I emphasize view. I don't necessarily mean just cuz they viewed her that way they immediately imagine jumping into bed with her or imagine her face when making love to his SO. But in the sense that men still like to look at women and their bodies as compared to women looking at men (I think the visual thing comes in here too) I think there's definitely a different wiring going on up there. And of course sometmes when a really hot woman is coming onto you, the temptation is there it;s just how morally well the man handles it too...so in general less monogamous.

Link to post
Share on other sites
yes that's pretty much how I define monogamous.

I just don't think that men all of a sudden when they get committed to someone or married see ONLY that person for the rest of his life.

 

Keep in mind that when men view porn it isn't just about watching women - particularly in your H's case since he's watching amateur porn clips, he's watching couples have sex. That's what is compelling to him - seeing other people having sex. He doesn't really care what they look like and isn't fantasizing about those women (or men) - it's seeing them doing the deed that turns him on.

 

Have you two ever tried having sex in front of a mirror? Or brought a hand mirror to bed so you can see what he sees when he's moving inside you? I think it's fascinating to see, and am more than a teensy bit jealous that guys get such great views when they're having sex, no matter what position or what sexual activity it is. :cool:

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Wise words Norajane :) Yeah I think we women have trouble differentiating that sometimes. That's it's the sex that's a turn on not the woman actress. And yeah amateur porn, definitely must tell ya it's not about airbrushing or perfect looking men and women going at it. They look exactly like you and me, sometimes they are very attractive, sometimes they are not so or are attractive in certain bodily areas.

 

And you are so right about the mirror thing. I never thought about it that way..guys do have a full view no matter the position don't they? While we women don't no matter the position (unless we can turn our heads like in the Exorcist or mold our body to look like a pretzel I rest my case)...interesting observation..maybe I will try it sometime.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I wonder if I am irrationally connecting his porn use to me, I have heard the men are visual, porn has nothing to do with you or how good the sex is etc.

I am wondering if I am taking this a little too seriously considering it's not like he is spending hours on the computer neglecting our needs to download porn.

Nor is he spending any money on it for movies.

a) He spends 10-20 minutes on it, not always daily, but close to it. And only really late at night when all he needs to have done is done and the baby and I are sleeping. He's up late with hw a lot of the time so I can't be up all night with him all the time. Perhaps it's to relieve some stress. Perhaps it's a break from hw or a way to wind down after finishing. I wish he'd just wake me up if he's feeling horny but I have a feeling he's letting me rest cuz he knows how busy I am with the baby all day and stuff. But at times like this I wish he would just wake me up I'd be happy,but he feels bad doing so.

b) He doesn't create any financial issues with the porn. The only thing he watches are the previews (the lil clips that offer a snatch of what the movies, which do require payment, will show) that are bout 15 seconds long. I think he just likes surfing the different sites and watching the short clips. None of this needs money.

 

Ladybug, I am going to paint two sides to this. At this point...from my own personal experience...there is no need to worry. However, he could progress further in the future.

 

He realizes that there is no money, so he checks out the "free" porn for his thrills. Truthfully, this is no different than paying for it depending on the motive. He needs the thrill and solo experince but can't afford to pay for it. IF it doesn't go father or affect your sex life...and you have no problem with it, then if it matters, I am okay with it. Currently, he is just curious.

 

Now the bad side. He could really want more, but he has not had the guts to do more. You have only been married a year. You are still in the honeymoon stage. He has a new daughter. He does not want to jeopardize that relationship. And he is afraid that porn could ruin his marriage. But one day, when marriage has become old, he could decide to try to join a site...or stop by an adult bookstore. Then who knows? The innocent dabbling could be taken one step farther....then farther. Hopefully not. (What concerns me most is that he likes looking at these pics but has no interest in acting them out...with you when you actually ask. Usually this can be the signs of someone who wants to progress in the fantasies of porn...good or bad.)

 

So now not to worry. But keep working at your marriage.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Ah, I wish it just didn't bother me so much...

I can so understand all your advice but then whenever I come across that he's lookingat it again, my heart sorta plummets. I don't know what's wrong with me. And as norajane pointed out, I would have been living in "ignorant?" bliss had I not gotten the idea to snoop.

 

Why did I snoop is the question I still don't know the answer of...was it perhaps some weird doubt that caused me to do this? Or am I insecure in general and just need to check up on every thing a guy does?

 

I haven't talked any more about this with him since writing this post but do you think I should bring it up again? I just can't let it slide that he keeps erasing the history from me, although Frejda was it? gave an understandable reason for why he would do this...or would bringing it up again cause more tension that will inevitable affect the wonderful relationship we have now?

You know the saying, that there are people who take a perfectly good relationship and keep poking holes in it.

 

I wonder if it's just a habitual thing, not an addiction per se, but he just goes out of habit. I mean just last night (this may be a bit personal sorry if I gross you guys out) I gave him oral satisfaction and all was good, we stayed up pretty late together but around 3 in the morning I decided to go to sleep while he had to finish his hw (he had a lot). And then I find out when I wake up later this morning he had looked at porn again at about 5 inthe morning while Iwas asleep, he had made his rounds before coming to bed. (it was for about like 8 minutes though)

It wasn't like he needed to get off, we had just done it a couple hours ago...or could it be he really is sexual?

 

I don't know...and James made some good points too but it seems my husband hasn;t ever gone beyond the preview clips to an adult book store or antyhing. He seems to have stayed there for a long time, even from before we were married...

 

And to top it all off, I have kinda realized that the more sex we do have, the MORE he looks at porn. Does that make any sense to any of you???

 

When I was pregnant with our child he still looked at it but at the time I thought he needed it cuz we weren't able to get it on well sexually but now that we are having regular sex it seems he looks at it more! (not more as in longer hours, more as in daily.)

 

And why oh why do I keep snooping? Someone please help I can't even figure myself out...

 

ok I don't want to beat this into the ground anymore so I'll try to keep this my last post. I'm just...ah...confused...

Link to post
Share on other sites
And to top it all off, I have kinda realized that the more sex we do have, the MORE he looks at porn. Does that make any sense to any of you???
Yes, that makes sense to me. The more sex I have, the more I masturbate, and the more I masturbate, the more I want sex...it's just that good. :laugh:

 

A question I always ask women who freak out about porn: is it the porn that bothers you, or is it that he's masturbating at all?

 

As an experiment, why don't you try NOT searching his computer for a while...say, the rest of the year, and see how your marriage is. Just drop the whole issue. Stop asking him about it, stop questioning him about it, just stop. Trust that your husband loves you and wants to be with you, and let him have his private moments when he needs them. I'll bet you'll feel better.

Link to post
Share on other sites
And why oh why do I keep snooping? Someone please help I can't even figure myself out...

Have you been cheated on before? Do you mistrust him? How does your husband feel about it? I know I'd be a bit perturbed by snooping. (And my wife would be very upset if she read my posts here. Ignorance is definately bliss in her case.)

Link to post
Share on other sites
This is complicated for me so I'll try to keep this short.

My husband of one year watches pornography.

If I had not snooped ( and I don't know why I felt the need to, I wonder if I have insecurities about myself and the relationship I am not aware of) I would not know he even indulged in this stuff.

1). Our sex life is what I think is good. (maybe he doesn't?) so I never suspected.

2-3 times a week. Would you call that pretty active.

2.) I thought I had a pretty high regard for myself but after finding out he enjoys watching other naked women have sex I am wondering if there's something missing with me that he fulfills on the internet.

3.) He's a student but he does his work, spends time me our 6month old child and I, is affectionate and I can tell he adores me and loves me. All around a good husband and father. I never would have imagined he enjoyed porn.

 

I wonder if I am irrationally connecting his porn use to me, I have heard the men are visual, porn has nothing to do with you or how good the sex is etc.

I am wondering if I am taking this a little too seriously considering it's not like he is spending hours on the computer neglecting our needs to download porn.

Nor is he spending any money on it for movies.

a) He spends 10-20 minutes on it, not always daily, but close to it. And only really late at night when all he needs to have done is done and the baby and I are sleeping. He's up late with hw a lot of the time so I can't be up all night with him all the time. Perhaps it's to relieve some stress. Perhaps it's a break from hw or a way to wind down after finishing. I wish he'd just wake me up if he's feeling horny but I have a feeling he's letting me rest cuz he knows how busy I am with the baby all day and stuff. But at times like this I wish he would just wake me up I'd be happy,but he feels bad doing so.

b) He doesn't create any financial issues with the porn. The only thing he watches are the previews (the lil clips that offer a snatch of what the movies, which do require payment, will show) that are bout 15 seconds long. I think he just likes surfing the different sites and watching the short clips. None of this needs money.

 

Unlike other women who feel insecure next to airbrushed beauties like porn star Jenna Jameson, my husband watches amateur porn, which somehow bothers me MORE. cuz it seems less about fantasy and more about people like you and me. These people are not attractive at all, but they are engaging in really kinky sex. Maybe THAT'S what turns him on, not necessarily the women involved. You know what I mean. But it bothers me just the same, that he can get turned on by other average people having sex. It just seems as if it's cuz I am lacking in the spice dept. he needs to watch other people do it, like voyeurism.

 

So you know what I did? I tried to enact some of the kinky stuff in the videos. His reaction was so opposite to what I expected I was shocked. He told me why was I doing these cheap acts that were below my dignity when our sex was so nice and sexy in its own way. WHere did I learn this stuff, he asked, quite uncomfortable with the whole thing. Er, by looking at what you were looking at???

So it's totally a turn on to watch others go at it, but when wifey tries to act a little spicey it's nasty and dirty and cheap? Please someone help me figure this out.

 

When I finally did confront him about it, non emotionally, he just told me it was pure entertainment and he didn't understand why it bothered me so much...and he was hurt I would go snooping through his computer, he told me what was he doing that it seemed I couldn't trust him..After that talk though, instead of stopping, he just hides it from me now. I know this cuz I still check his computer and his history is suspicously way too clean and devoid of any sites, even non porn ones. I talked to him about that too why hide it if nothign is wrong with it. He told me that's the point, he feels nothing is wrong with it at all, so for me to keep being uncomfortable with it makes him feel bad that I feel so bad, but he doesnt' want to just give up something he feels is not wrong and his own right to enjoy. So to spare my feelings he hides it. ANd then he got angry and asked how long was I gonna keep snooping..it's becuz of this snooping and seeing the sites and then me being consequently upset that causes him to erase the evidence so I don't get upset. He hates feeling guilty for something he honestly feels he shouldn't feel guilty about...

he hides it on the computer but when I ask if he looks he's honest "Yes I watch it."

 

Maybe I AM the one who's making an issue of this. It's not like he's neglecting his life for porn. I mean he's on it for not even half an hour, not even 10 minutes some days. He goes frequently but the time spent on it each day is pretty small isn't it...i don't know what my problem is. Or is my problem?

 

You know, when I was pregnant and couldn't perform sex all the time I was ok with him looknig at porn. And I thought since he couldn't get it on with me he needed to release it through that. But I am back to my slim self and energetic as hell and we're back to our nice sex but he looks at it, if not MORE. Isn't that strange? More sex, yet more porn???

I guess at least he's just doing it when I am asleep..if he was doing it when I was sitting around in the next room waiting for him, I would not even be posting this, I would be packing.

 

I am sorry this was so long. But please help me with your wise advise, I just want to be as open minded as I can, I love my husband.

 

ps I have even suggested watching it together but he doesn't want any of that. He seems to want to keep the porn viewing private. It's only the internet by the way, no magazines not even interested in the tv or videos..just the internet.

 

 

I could be way off base here so forgive me. When I read the part I bolded above my first thought was 'madonna/whore complex'. I don't want details, but think about the sex you do have. Is it pretty much vanilla sex? Since the thought of you being 'dirty' and 'cheap' is a turn off for him, I believe M/W complex maybe his problem. He just don't want to see you that way. You are a mother type (Madonna) not to be tainted with dirty/cheap sex. Those ladies on the short clips are the whores and are to be 'treated' as such. It would be a little weird because most with this complex will actually do the deed with real women. But still it kind of seems that this could be a bit of the issue for him, going solely on the info you gave.

 

Again it is just an idea, just a thought I had while reading.

 

Further reading suggested to me that maybe it's just habit? Or a bit of both?

 

Like morning coffee is something regular coffee drinkers do on while on auto pilot. :) *guilty* He just doesn't think about it, does it, when it's over he don't think about it anymore until the next day. I find it kind of strange that he don't want to watch it with you.

 

For what it is worth, I think you continue to snoop because he was/is still hiding it from you. Maybe that has caused insecurity that he could be hiding other things from you? If he was open about it, without you asking, would you still be snooping?

Link to post
Share on other sites

I don't know that there is ever an obligation to share every single aspect of your life with your spouse. I mean, masturbation is NOT the same things as partner sex. It's actually easier, and it's a solitary activity. Not better, just different. I think a lot of people use it as a stress release. And heck, masturbating to just your imagination is great and all but sometimes it's nice to have a visual aid. Not necessarily anything that you would want to do in real life, but something that you are mildly interested in.

 

Like, I for example often watch group sex porn. But it's not something I would want to ever do in real life. Which is why the fantasy is titillating. Fantasizing exclusively about things that I would really like to do would get old after a while.

 

In any case, masturbation is not sex. I stress this because I don't think that masturbating is not an indicator of sexual deviancy or psychological dysfunction. I'm just saying.

 

Beyond that, I think there is an element of compulsive masochism in your habitual checking of your husbands masturbatory activities. I say masochism because this evidently causes distress, you accept it, yet you don't...like you are at odds with yourself for some reason, with regard to this issue?

 

Do you have ambivalence about porn? Or related to your own sexuality? I don't know, I'm not labeling anything, but there has to be a root cause for this ambivalent attitude towards porn and masturbation, as well as the compulsive way you check up on him, even though it continues to cause you distress....

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Norajane I wish I could be a woman like you. Thank you.. I honestly am taking your advice into consideration.

And stoopid_guy. No I haven't been cheated on, which is why I don't know why I have this weird mistrust. I won't candycoat it, it is mistrust why the heck would I be snooping around. Mistrust about WHAT I know not. I know he's not cheating or anything yet...I may have control issues.

And my husband of course was upset about me snooping (hence the start of him erasing his history,) And because he knows me so well, I think a sixth sense of his knows I still check even though he hasn't caught me in the act, so he keeps erasing. And yes when I did ask him why he hid the stuff, he told me that it was because it was the way I reacted...that he honestly didn't think what he was doing was a big deal or wrong in any sense towards me and to just give it up fair and square just cuz I disliked it thought it was unfair. He told me he would never enforce me to give up something I thought was perfectly alright and enjoyed just cuz HE had issues with it. But because I would get all funny about it every time I saw the listing of sites he decided to just erase it, but would tell the truth when asked if he looked.

But he feels then I get upset when he says he did look so it's like he doesn't know what to do..does he then have to lie and say no he didn't look AND erase the history as well?? In that sense I sorta understand him, as you all can see,I do get bothered.

 

"For what it is worth, I think you continue to snoop because he was/is still hiding it from you. Maybe that has caused insecurity that he could be hiding other things from you? If he was open about it, without you asking, would you still be snooping?"

---Maybe...but I do admit he never hid it from me until I brought it up and said I came across it etc. He totally read my feelings and knew I was uncomfortable, he started hiding it from me then. I guess he could have been open about it without me asking, but this isn't something you just announce to your wife, "hey at this time and date I will be looking at porn"..he just did it in his private time discretely and didn't hide it until I snooped and confronted him...but you know what? I know that if he DID do it in front of me right there, I'd have issues with that too, How could he look at that stuff while I was right there etc etc. So a part of me knows he could have been doing that in his private time to respect my feelings (after all, that one looks at porn isn't something I think people necessarily like to show off to the world whether it's healthy and normal or not) so either way he's in a rut.

 

Seriously the more I write about this I am starting to realize a lot of this stems from my issues doesn;' t it. I think I feel secure controlling him or something..

 

blind_otter yeah I guess it could be stress release as well. He's back in school and apparently they are giving him a crapload of work to do so I know for a fact he is stressed about deadlines. That must have something to do with it too.

 

Thanks for the millionth time once again. I won't bring it up agin to him, and just leave him alone...and calmly assess my own self. I think this has a lot to do with me then this whole porn and masturbation thing. Maybe I am in a crisis about my own sexuality who knows.

 

Oh TheDiva, the Madonna/whore thing crossed my mind too, ever since I got pregnant. I think he has a bit of that in him for sure but that hasn't been a problem to me, cuz it's not severe and it's not such a problem he's out screwing real life "whore" category women while I am the pristine "Madonna" thank goodness. That would be a huge problem. I guess those images in the porn titillate him that's all.

 

As for our sex, I don't know what would be defined as "vanilla" but we do lots of things, for I am sexual too and enjoy them. ANal, oral, we have even used er...objects. Different positions, er..stuff..er um ..releasing his um, you know, on the face. Ok guys I am so sorry to gross you out hehehe but I am tryng to be as specific as I can so you guys can better ponder my situation.

I am sure a lot of that comes up in the porn too, but it's only when I make it obvious *I * am initiating such actions that he has an issue with it. When in the heat of the moment he comes up with such ideas it's ok but if *I* am aggressively bringing it up first, it;s wrong and dirty. Another aspect of the Madonna/Whore thing I guess. Or his need to lead or something.

 

Anyway thanks a lot!!

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Ok I write too much. Last time I swear! :)

 

Writing all this got me really teary all of a sudden.

I wouldn't be sitting here even writing this if my husband was totally unattentive to me our baby and his outside world..

but this is a man who, when I was in my fourth month of pregnancy I got really sick and ran a fever, made me chicken cabbage soup and rolled me up inside our comforter cuz in my fevered state I kept kicking the covers off and that makes you sicker, if you get too cooled down.

I am a chronic neat freak so when I would be huffing and puffing around with my big belly obsessing over the dust bunnies that had settled in the corner he would yell at me to get back into bed and would clean them up himself cuz even though he didn't think the world would end to keep the dust bunnies there for awhile he knew I'd be lying in bed stressed about it.

And whenever this porn thing gets to me and I am *this* close to bringing it up again, I think about the times he comes to bed ( after his porn rounds or not) early in the morning after he has done all he has to do and holds me in his arms ( I am pretty deeply asleep but I stir when he does that and kinda am aware of him doing this) or snuggles up against me or even tickles me, slightly waking me up from my sleep, and we giggle a bit with me whispering we'll wake the baby up sshh shh! and I go right back to sleep. If I am awake enough the tickling leads to other things if you know what I mean, muhaha.

Or how he interacts with the baby, how I know how much homework is sitting there waiting at his desk yet he spends the evening time with our daughter...

We got married very young, I am only 23 and he's 27. This is a huge responsibility for a man of 27 and here I am compulsively checking his damn computer and being upset about some porn he watches for 15 minutes a day... and then I feel like such a Grade A Asswipe.

 

Maybe it's cuz I have been on my own pretty much since the 8th grade (boarding school then college) and having to fend for myself and be strong for myself, then suddenly having this other person know my weaknesses and caring for me scares me that I am dealing with it in this strange manner...

 

You guys have no idea how much just jotting down my issues and having totally objective third party people respond has helped me right now. Or I probably would have acted out emotionally for sure and created a big problem.

 

Ok no more novelettes. Just thought I would share this tidbit.

Link to post
Share on other sites
This is complicated for me so I'll try to keep this short.

My husband of one year watches pornography.

If I had not snooped ( and I don't know why I felt the need to, I wonder if I have insecurities about myself and the relationship I am not aware of) I would not know he even indulged in this stuff.

1). Our sex life is what I think is good. (maybe he doesn't?) so I never suspected.

2-3 times a week. Would you call that pretty active.

2.) I thought I had a pretty high regard for myself but after finding out he enjoys watching other naked women have sex I am wondering if there's something missing with me that he fulfills on the internet.

3.) He's a student but he does his work, spends time me our 6month old child and I, is affectionate and I can tell he adores me and loves me. All around a good husband and father. I never would have imagined he enjoyed porn.

 

I wonder if I am irrationally connecting his porn use to me, I have heard the men are visual, porn has nothing to do with you or how good the sex is etc.

I am wondering if I am taking this a little too seriously considering it's not like he is spending hours on the computer neglecting our needs to download porn.

Nor is he spending any money on it for movies.

a) He spends 10-20 minutes on it, not always daily, but close to it. And only really late at night when all he needs to have done is done and the baby and I are sleeping. He's up late with hw a lot of the time so I can't be up all night with him all the time. Perhaps it's to relieve some stress. Perhaps it's a break from hw or a way to wind down after finishing. I wish he'd just wake me up if he's feeling horny but I have a feeling he's letting me rest cuz he knows how busy I am with the baby all day and stuff. But at times like this I wish he would just wake me up I'd be happy,but he feels bad doing so.

b) He doesn't create any financial issues with the porn. The only thing he watches are the previews (the lil clips that offer a snatch of what the movies, which do require payment, will show) that are bout 15 seconds long. I think he just likes surfing the different sites and watching the short clips. None of this needs money.

 

Unlike other women who feel insecure next to airbrushed beauties like porn star Jenna Jameson, my husband watches amateur porn, which somehow bothers me MORE. cuz it seems less about fantasy and more about people like you and me. These people are not attractive at all, but they are engaging in really kinky sex. Maybe THAT'S what turns him on, not necessarily the women involved. You know what I mean. But it bothers me just the same, that he can get turned on by other average people having sex. It just seems as if it's cuz I am lacking in the spice dept. he needs to watch other people do it, like voyeurism.

 

So you know what I did? I tried to enact some of the kinky stuff in the videos. His reaction was so opposite to what I expected I was shocked. He told me why was I doing these cheap acts that were below my dignity when our sex was so nice and sexy in its own way. WHere did I learn this stuff, he asked, quite uncomfortable with the whole thing. Er, by looking at what you were looking at???

So it's totally a turn on to watch others go at it, but when wifey tries to act a little spicey it's nasty and dirty and cheap? Please someone help me figure this out.

 

When I finally did confront him about it, non emotionally, he just told me it was pure entertainment and he didn't understand why it bothered me so much...and he was hurt I would go snooping through his computer, he told me what was he doing that it seemed I couldn't trust him..After that talk though, instead of stopping, he just hides it from me now. I know this cuz I still check his computer and his history is suspicously way too clean and devoid of any sites, even non porn ones. I talked to him about that too why hide it if nothign is wrong with it. He told me that's the point, he feels nothing is wrong with it at all, so for me to keep being uncomfortable with it makes him feel bad that I feel so bad, but he doesnt' want to just give up something he feels is not wrong and his own right to enjoy. So to spare my feelings he hides it. ANd then he got angry and asked how long was I gonna keep snooping..it's becuz of this snooping and seeing the sites and then me being consequently upset that causes him to erase the evidence so I don't get upset. He hates feeling guilty for something he honestly feels he shouldn't feel guilty about...

he hides it on the computer but when I ask if he looks he's honest "Yes I watch it."

 

Maybe I AM the one who's making an issue of this. It's not like he's neglecting his life for porn. I mean he's on it for not even half an hour, not even 10 minutes some days. He goes frequently but the time spent on it each day is pretty small isn't it...i don't know what my problem is. Or is my problem?

 

You know, when I was pregnant and couldn't perform sex all the time I was ok with him looknig at porn. And I thought since he couldn't get it on with me he needed to release it through that. But I am back to my slim self and energetic as hell and we're back to our nice sex but he looks at it, if not MORE. Isn't that strange? More sex, yet more porn???

I guess at least he's just doing it when I am asleep..if he was doing it when I was sitting around in the next room waiting for him, I would not even be posting this, I would be packing.

 

I am sorry this was so long. But please help me with your wise advise, I just want to be as open minded as I can, I love my husband.

 

ps I have even suggested watching it together but he doesn't want any of that. He seems to want to keep the porn viewing private. It's only the internet by the way, no magazines not even interested in the tv or videos..just the internet.

I have to say I know how you feel when I was married my husband also watched porn movies but in are home not the internet and top of that looked at the books as well I always though we had a nice sex life but it did make me feel like I was not doin my job with being a wife but my husband said so many time's it wasn't anything to do with me but it still made me feel wired and it made me feel less off a woman and I hated he watched them movies I would get mad and leave the room :laugh: but dont think bad of your husband as long as he treat's you still the same I guess no harm can come to it

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...