Quick Question

[Guest]

i have been with my b/f for a year and a half. He is older--i am 23 and is 30.

Somehow we started talking about babies just casually and i said 22 is way too young--i dont know how some girls can do it personally at that age...anyway--marriage got brought up and he said he isn't sure if he ever wants to get married-this to me is a real eye-opener b/c sometimes from the way we speak sometimes it seems he is in this for long term and marriage. I know i am too young personally for marriage but i just automatically assume by about 26 or so--i would be married to whoever it was i was in a serious long term relationship with..obviously i am thinking about my b/f in this way if we lasted---i told him i really do not know what to say and i said i do not want to waste my time and be attached to someone who isnt going to change their mind. I feel at 30--you can know whether in general you want to be married at some point in your life. Now I am worried i will wake up at 26 and have wasted my early 20's with this person if this relationship lasts and he just never changed his mind.

It really hurts b/c i feel like he should know that if he loves someone--he can say at some point i would want to be married--when the time is right. I really do not know what to do--stay and believe ok well its only been a year and a half together--too soon to worry about it or take this UNSURE comment from him who is 30 and do not fool myself into thinking his mind will change his in 3 or 4 years.

Then when i said i really do not know what to do about us right now--he said maybe he should rephrase--and he said this isnt his dead set opinion--like he never ever will consider it but he has to be sure and probably would have to live with the person first to see if its a definite good match b/c living with someone definitely changes things and will help you see better if marriage is right. I don't know what to believe right now but i wrote to him saying i dont think we should speak tonight.

[LVspecB]

Then when i said i really do not know what to do about us right now--he said maybe he should rephrase--and he said this isnt his dead set opinion--like he never ever will consider it but he has to be sure and probably would have to live with the person first to see if its a definite good match b/c living with someone definitely changes things and will help you see better if marriage is right. I don't know what to believe right now but i wrote to him saying i dont think we should speak tonight.

Sounds like he gave you his honest answer when you first brought up the subject and then tried to back-peddle when he saw your reaction. Make your plans accordingly...

 

LVspecB

[luvstarved]

Well guys are weird...my first reaction is that he isn't ruling it out but may be ruling it out with YOU. I just heard of a woman my husband works with who stayed with the same guy for 17 years and he would never commit, then when she finally got fed up and left him, he turned around and within two years married someone else.

 

When my husband and I were dating, he told me one night that he "wasn't looking for anything serious". My response was "well, what you are telling me is that you have ruled me out as a long term prospect. I hadn't ruled you in OR out, until now. Get out!" I wouldn't talk to him for a month, but we will be married for ten years in a few months...

 

The only thing I can tell you is that if this is what he is telling you now, I would not count on hearing a different story in 3 or 4 years. The risk is yours.

[Guest]

I told my b/f what i thought--about if he still feels the same way 9months to a year from now with improvements trying to be made throughout....we need to say goodbye b/c i doubt he will ever feel that way then.

 

He said it sounds reasonable and he can understand me getting upset b/c i do not want to waste time...when i mentioned his words were harsh--there is nothing here that made me think this could be forever--he said he didnt mean it like there was nothing i liked about us or thought was good...he said yes its an up in the air answer but thats where he is at this point.

 

I asked him if was b/c of the fighting that he felt this way about us and he said yes of course this is part of it. He says sometimes he feels really scrutinized by me. And then he said if you are asking me for a life long committment now--i have to say no--he said he cant trust the changes that have been done and only have occured over the past few months..he says its not long enough.(not meaning the relationship but the changes that needed to be done)

I asked him if it wasnt for the fighting or the trust problem i have, would you feel different and he said yes.

Do you think its a good thing what i did? If changes are made and trying the best we could and he still feels the same way--then i know for sure 9 months from now or a year its time to move on and i would still be at a age where i dont have to regret so much time lost.

 

what do you think? Please help

[luvstarved]

Well if there are other issues afoot that affect the way he feels, then obviously they have to be worked out and I wouldn't put a time deadline on it. Why do you think he feels scrutinized and what do you think you can do differently to change that?

 

I do applaud you for being straightforward and honest with him and hope that he is doing the same for you. Frankly, it sounds a little sketchy to me and I wouldn't get my hopes up too high, I guess it really depends on the types of changes he is talking about and how large they really are in his mind. Anyway honesty is absolutely the best policy, so you are right to bring up these concerns, but let it go for a while and see how things progress. In other words, don't ask him every couple of days or weeks, "how do you feel NOW?" Give it a little time...good luck to you.

[Guest]

I dont think there is nothing wrong with being with him for another year--but then 2 and a half years is enough to say i really love this person and it could lead to...

 

And yes i agree with you not to bring it up a few weeks from now or even months..9 months to a year i feel is enough though.

 

At one point we were fighting about something every week..he even said to me dont u remember a few months ago i was ready to just say i had enough and now you want me to say i am so sure of us and want a life long committment. He said he cant do that when changes have only been made a short time.