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I am wondering if anyone can help me answer a question I have been struggling with for a few months now.

I have been married for 15 years to a good man, we do not have kids (by choice), we have alot in common most of which we have worked hard on over the years. We do lots of things/activities together. I think I am happy, I know I don't feel unhappy in my marriage. We get along (most of the time), we can talk and laugh together, we have average sex.

Where my problem is coming in to play is that I have been having feelings for my married neighbor (mostly sexual, but not entirely), he has also communicated simular feelings for me. We have said we can not do anything about these feelings because we don't want to hurt anyone.

So why am I having these feelings if I am happy in my marriage?

Or am I just not seeing what isn't working?

How do I find that out?

Am I just being parinoid and it is normal to have feelings for someone else?

 

Sorry this probably seems like something I should already know, but I am just having a hard time today wondering if I am worrying for no reason or if I need to work on something.

I just need some honest input. Thanks

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No it doesn't mean your marriage is a bad one. It's ok to have "crushes" on others as long as you don't take it too far. I mean we're human and are attracted to others sometimes. I see nothing wrong with fantasizing or having crushes when you're marred. They never last. It's not real love. It's harmless.

 

Just remember who you love and make sure you don't hurt him by crossing over the line.

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LucreziaBorgia

1. So why am I having these feelings if I am happy in my marriage?

2. Or am I just not seeing what isn't working?

3. How do I find that out?

4. Am I just being parinoid and it is normal to have feelings for someone else?

 

1. Probably what is going on is that you are taking what you see as missing in your marriage, idealizing that and mapping that onto this OM. You may be perfectly happy in your marriage, but finding that you are missing that initial thrill that disappears in long term relationships. Not saying that is a bad thing, but its the 'newness factor' - you miss how you felt in the beginning: that hot 'crush' type emotional set, the anticipation, etc - it is all idealized in the beginning and the feeling can be addictive. I don't know that its the OM necessarily that is turning you on so much as the idea of the OM, how it makes you feel to think about it.

 

2. I don't know that its a matter of finding what is not working, so much as seeking out what you think might be missing - the sort of stuff I mentioned above.

 

3. Soul searching mainly. Being honest with yourself about what it is you are missing inside yourself that is making you feel this way. Could it be what I mentioned above? If so, then that is pretty normal - our biology pretty much guides us hormonally into these sorts of things. Emotional rush mainly. In long term relationships, that hormone rush deepens into more permanent and stable bonding. Do you feel that you and your husband have that deep and permanent bond? Is your marriage doing ok outside of these feelings you are having?

 

4. Attraction and crushes are normal. It happens. The key is identifying what is really behind them and working through it from the inside out, rather than 'going for it' and working on it from the outside in.

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Your whole post was brilliant LB, but number four was so on the money. That one will stay with me. Thanks.

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Thank you both for your thoughts. I just needed to hear I wasn't going insane.

I think alot of what you said is right on the money. After all these years, yes, I think I am missing the thrill of an early relationship. Not sure how you get that back, if you ever do.

I am glad that we (neighbor and I) haven't let things get too serious.

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I think you should work on not spending time with this neighbor until your crush has subsided. Would you like your husband to spend time with someone else that he has feelings for?

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We have been trying not to spend as much time alone together, but living across the street from him makes that difficult. Not to mention it would look funny if all of a sudden we quit talking. We do things together as couples too.

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Those are just excuses. I mean does your H even know about all the times you even speak? I doubt it...so limiting contact to whenever your together as couples would more than likely NOT look funny.

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Pcakes.

 

Whilst In a relationship you will always meet other people who you may become attracted to or have a "crush" on, it's human nature to do so. Its just a case of not overstepping that line.

 

So many people these days do not value relationships or marriage enough. That's why the divorce rates have rocketed. The way I see it, and although I maybe wrong, cause although I've been in long term relationships I have never been married. I am glad that you haven't done anything with your neighbour. Try and keep it that way. The thing is, even though you have this crush on him and maybe you like the idea of being with him, the grass is NOT always greener. You do not KNOW him inside out, like you do your h. You do not know what he's like to live with and what his faults are. He may be an awful person deep down, YOU DONT KNOW - At the moment you are kind of making up and moulding him into what you WANT him to be like and this is what is giving you all of these mixed feelings about him. Also remember that he is married too and you will not just be destroying your marriage but also his family as-well if you do take this further. If you leave these feelings where they are and stop having so much contact with him, they will eventually die down, belive me! Its happened to me too!! THEN you can focus on what may be wrong with your marriage and whether you want to be married at all anymore.

 

I believe that a relationship should be treasured and nurtured. You dont have to be married, a long term or serious relationship is just as important as a marriage. If you fall out of love then that's life. You either try and work through it or you call it a day. You HAVE to take the good times with the bad times in any partnership and ALWAYS try to be honest, it really IS the key. Relationships have SUCH BAD periods sometimes and it can take months to work through these, but if it's meant to be you WILL always work through them and come out the other side.

 

PLEASE think carefully about what you are doing Pcakes as you are on VERY dangerous ground at the moment. If you think that you REALLY would like to be with this OM then finish your marriage FIRST. Why cheat? Why should you have the best of both worlds? Get rid first, then you can do what you want. Just imagine if the boot was on the other foot? Wouldn't you expect your h to realise that having feelings for someone else does not necessarily mean that they are BETTER than you, and wouldn't you feel less humiliated and bitter about the whole thing if your h finished your marriage BEFORE finding someone else?

 

I Hope that things work out for you as it sounds like your h and you do have a good marriage and valuable partnership.

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Thank you Kinger25 that makes so much sense. I really don't want to hurt anyone, just trying to figure out what I want and why I want it.

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As far as "what's missing". I know for me, it was the feeling of having someone else really desire me both physically and mentally. That kind of gets lost in a long term relationship. Gets taken for granted.

 

Basically, everything I "liked" about the crush was how it made me feel about myself. It wasn't even really about the guy.. it was about me. I felt really special, really beautiful, sexy, fun, smart.. etc. Things that my SO wasn't really conveying to me on that high of a level, or that often.

 

I got around this by point blank asking my SO for more of the things *I* need in order to feel loved and special. Cuddling with him on the couch, for instance. Asking him to give me a back rub. Usually he's more than happy to oblige. But in long term relatioships, those things that make you feel special sometimes get put on a back burner unless it's brought up... And make sure you really ask for it. Don't try to get him to do it in round about methods. Be straightforward in your approach. iie: "Honey, I want to cuddle with you for a few minutes right now." Or whatever terminology he will understand most effectively.

 

Plus.. if you get more of what makes you feel special and loved, he'll probably get more of what makes him feel special and loved. By asking for what you need, you help BOTH of you get what you need. Both of you benefit.

 

And Not asking, usually leads to someone getting cheated out of what they need. Either through physical cheating, or through a build up of resentment that leads to withdrawl.

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Just curious.. but why do you say your sex life is "average"? Do you think this is contributing to how you are feeling?

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You might have that right Walk, the OM does make me feel sexy, fun, beautiful, I do really like that. I understand what you are saying about asking for things, I have tried that to a point (not that I couldn't try harder), problem is I am not quite sure what I want to ask for. If that doesn't sound dumb.

As far as the average sex life goes, I don't really know what to compare it to, my husband was my first and only. I can't say it is bad cuz it is good also, but I do think things could be a little better in the satisfying me part.

 

What scares me is that all the other man has to do is say one thing and it turns me on, I am having a hard time remembering when I had that feeling the the h. I want it to be like that with the h, just not sure how to help that happen, if that is even possible.

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CuteAndInnocent

I hear ya! I'm in the same boat, except that I know there are things that I am missing in my marriage, like he doesn't do anything to make me feel special such as say anything nice or do anything romantic.

So the guy friend and I talk about everything, including our problems and he is now in the process of divorce which makes things even more tempting for me. The thing is that I tell my H everything, he knows when I'm with the OM -I have never lied about anything and he thinks we're friends, which we are, but I have developed all these feelings, which is the bad part.

So all I can do now is enjoy the friendship, and I can't resist the temptation to see him as we have so much fun and hang out with our kids, who have fun too. We haven't verbalized our feelings at all either, which I would be scared to do, but it just feels so electric at times.

It is VERY hard that I just dream about him and having an affair, but I know I can't.

One thing about it though, is that I do feel more alive having this crush and more sexy for my H too, which I think is a good thing. So maybe there is a silver lining here.

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I know exactly what you mean about feeling more alive. I feel the same. For a while I lost some weight and felt just awesome, that did help with my h, he actually took notice again, but that excitement lasted a month. I know he still finds me attractive but I just want more of the touchy feely thing and I don't get that anymore.

 

We (OM and I) have verbalized our feelings many times to each other which does make it alot harder, because now you know it isn't just feelings on your part if is both of you. We both have also decided that we love our spouses and want to stay where we are but at the same time we still talked about the what ifs. We have backed off talking as much lately because we know this can't go anywhere. Which is fine, but I still think about him.

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whichwayisup

What you feel for your neighbour, is that major attraction, like in the beginning of all relationships...Eventually it fades, especially after 15 years, that intensity and new feeling isn't there like it once was. So this guy has brought out those feelings inside you. Just don't mistake that for love. It is NOT love - It's pure lust.

 

The thing is, you and the neighbour have to stop talking about it all! Don't talk about the what if's because you both are married and it's only going to cause you problems.

 

Try your best not to think of him - Get your mind back inside the lines. You both have crossed them, out of curosity, got your answers and I'm sure both of you felt flattered and desired...It's just very risky, anything "could" happen if the opportunity presented itself, to say "no" would be difficult too. So, don't put yourself IN that situation to begin with then there will never be a "what if."

 

Focus that energy into your husband. You do love him and the marriage is good. IT's just that intense sexual feeling is missing and the more you spend time with your neighbour, the more he's feeding that addiction for you! That is why you're enjoying it so much, because of how he makes you feel.

 

Start spending more time with your husband, and if he isn't home - Go to see a girl friend, physically get out of your house and GO somewhere. Don't wait for the neighbour and spend time with him when your spouses are not home. Only see them (I stress THEM meaning him and his wife) when your hubby is there too.

 

Tell your husband that you need him to be more touchy feely with you. Let him know how amazing it you feel when he does that! The more he makes YOU feel good, you'll realize fantasizing about your neighbour is a waste of time.

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HokeyReligions

Any couple's sex life is going to seem 'average' after so many years together. You know each other. It's also quite normal to miss those 'early yearnings' and normal to find a focus for those yearnings. When the attraction is reciprocated it heightens the feelings.

 

The key is to transfer those feelings back to the man you love. He may be feeling the same 'rut' that you are. Spicing up the marriage doesn't have to be all about sex - there are other spicey bits to a relationship. Make some changes. Try a new hair cut or hair color - get your hubby some different clothes, go someplace you've never been before - or visit someplace you haven't been in years. Take a night away from home and go to a nice hotel. Sleep on the other side of the bed - rearrange the furniture... A small change in self or surroundings can have a larger effect on the dynamic of the relationship and the self. Then spice up the bedroom. There's a book called the 14 Day Sex Diet that has some fun ideas to help plug in the old imagination and encourage you to look at your spouse in a new way - and he will too.

 

Don't let these normal urges turn into a trouble spot in your marriage. This is the prime time for affairs to happen because people don't recognize that the relationship just needed a tune up until its so far gone they have to replace the motor. Talk to your husband - be honest about your feelings - you don't have to tell him about the neighbor, just that you feel like you are in a rut and you are concerned that he may feel that too and you don't want a great marriage to get stale. He may also have some ideas. Try not to be hurt if he says he's been thinking and feeling the same way too. Now is the best time to talk about your feelings and set some goals and new fun challenges for yourselves.

 

And if it helps - fantasize about the neighbor when you are having sex - sometimes that can 'energize' you and the focus will be on your husband. Once you find out that the spark is still there with your husband you won't need to fantasize about the neighbor any more!

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