Just how important is attraction/sex/passion?

[Skydiver8]

Hi...I'm new here, found this forum and felt the need to post. I'm in this one because I do want to work on my marriage!

 

I am so torn up right now and am looking for advice. Let me give some background (sorry if some of this is graphic).

 

I have been married for 6 years to the man who was my first serious boyfriend. I got married when I was 24, and I was very inexperienced sexually (or in any other aspect of a relationship), as was he. We never felt much passion for each other, I don't think...I certainly can't recall ever going through a period, even at the beginning, where there was much passion in the bedroom or elsewhere. In our time together, I have never had an orgasm with him. ( I have to take care of myself afterward...)

 

I thought I just didn't like sex. My husband is...ummm...larger than I am, and for some reason I can't seem to get aroused enough with him to actually do anything without tons of additional lubricant...it HURTS and I started to avoid sex with him a while ago.

 

I have been to the doctor, because I thought something was wrong with me physically because I couldn't get wet...or even feel any sort of attraction to my husband.

 

I wrote it off as I was asexual and wasn't ever going to be sexually attracted to anyone...and I began to try to cope.

 

Now here's the kicker. I was wrong. SOOOO wrong. I met another man who absolutely BLEW ME AWAY in bed. Yes, I had an affair, and I know it was wrong. it is over, and that's not really what this thread is about. This other guy...man, all he had to do was say the right words and I was instantly ready. I mean, I have never ever experienced passion like I did with him. He let me play out my fantasies (my husband thinks a lot of mine are "wrong" or "gross"), he did things to me my husband never has, and won't, and most of all, he appreciated my sexuality. Sex with this other guy NEVER hurt (well, maybe the 5th time in one night...but that was extreme), and I had an orgasm every time. He was a perfect fit, both emotionally and physically.

 

Even though it's over with this other guy, and I am trying to work on my marriage, I can't help but feel like my future with my husband is destined to be a grim, loveless one. I am glad I discovered that I'm not completely asexual, but in a way I regret it because now I'm deathly afraid I'll NEVER experience those incredible feelings again. My husband is my best friend, but how do I explain all of this to him without letting him know that I discovered my true sexuality with someone else? I can't do that to him.

 

I'm seriously considering filing for divorce, not because I don't love him, but because I know I can't give him the physical satisfaction he deserves. I would be happier, I think, just being friends with my husband...without the pressure of trying to force myself to be attracted to him.

 

I honestly don't know what to do here, but it's tearing me up. We've tried "spicing things up," but it's really hard to bring back something that was never there in the first place.

 

I don't know what else to do. I would be happy never having sex with my husband again, I think...but I know that isn't fair to him or me.

 

Thanks,

Sky

[norajane]

Get yourselves to some marriage counseling or a sexual therapist, or both!

 

This might sound off-the-wall, but I had been working with an Indian company for about a year. I learned that in their culture, arranged marriages are still the norm, though that's changing. These couples really didn't know each other much before marriage, and certainly didn't start off with any passion or love for each other, but were committed for life. Amazingly - to Western minds - they often developed both love and passion for each other anyway.

 

I bring this up because I believe your situation isn't hopeless, and that you can develop those feelings for him even though they weren't there to start with. However, you both have to first recognize there's a problem, acknowledge and admit to each other there's a problem, and commit to working on it together.

 

That's where the counseling and sex therapist comes in - a third party who is a professional and has experience in helping couples with these kinds of issues can help you communicate with each other and talk in a non-judgmental way about your issues. Maybe you don't have to mention that you had a sexual awakening with someone else, but you can say, as you've gotten older, you've realized that you want/need more out of your sex life. I think if he were to 'get it' and make more effort to meet your needs, you'd start to see him in a different light.

[Clouds]

Hi...I'm new here, found this forum and felt the need to post. I'm in this one because I do want to work on my marriage!

 

I am so torn up right now and am looking for advice. Let me give some background (sorry if some of this is graphic).

 

I have been married for 6 years to the man who was my first serious boyfriend. I got married when I was 24, and I was very inexperienced sexually (or in any other aspect of a relationship), as was he. We never felt much passion for each other, I don't think...I certainly can't recall ever going through a period, even at the beginning, where there was much passion in the bedroom or elsewhere. In our time together, I have never had an orgasm with him. ( I have to take care of myself afterward...)

 

I thought I just didn't like sex. My husband is...ummm...larger than I am, and for some reason I can't seem to get aroused enough with him to actually do anything without tons of additional lubricant...it HURTS and I started to avoid sex with him a while ago.

 

I have been to the doctor, because I thought something was wrong with me physically because I couldn't get wet...or even feel any sort of attraction to my husband.

 

I wrote it off as I was asexual and wasn't ever going to be sexually attracted to anyone...and I began to try to cope.

 

Now here's the kicker. I was wrong. SOOOO wrong. I met another man who absolutely BLEW ME AWAY in bed. Yes, I had an affair, and I know it was wrong. it is over, and that's not really what this thread is about. This other guy...man, all he had to do was say the right words and I was instantly ready. I mean, I have never ever experienced passion like I did with him. He let me play out my fantasies (my husband thinks a lot of mine are "wrong" or "gross"), he did things to me my husband never has, and won't, and most of all, he appreciated my sexuality. Sex with this other guy NEVER hurt (well, maybe the 5th time in one night...but that was extreme), and I had an orgasm every time. He was a perfect fit, both emotionally and physically.

 

Even though it's over with this other guy, and I am trying to work on my marriage, I can't help but feel like my future with my husband is destined to be a grim, loveless one. I am glad I discovered that I'm not completely asexual, but in a way I regret it because now I'm deathly afraid I'll NEVER experience those incredible feelings again. My husband is my best friend, but how do I explain all of this to him without letting him know that I discovered my true sexuality with someone else? I can't do that to him.

 

I'm seriously considering filing for divorce, not because I don't love him, but because I know I can't give him the physical satisfaction he deserves. I would be happier, I think, just being friends with my husband...without the pressure of trying to force myself to be attracted to him.

 

I honestly don't know what to do here, but it's tearing me up. We've tried "spicing things up," but it's really hard to bring back something that was never there in the first place.

 

I don't know what else to do. I would be happy never having sex with my husband again, I think...but I know that isn't fair to him or me.

 

Thanks,

Sky

 

Wow, I thought I was the only person in the world who felt that way! I am in the same sitituation you are in! My husband and I dated in high school and reconnected about 3 years ago! We have been married for two of those years! He is my best friend and I know he loves me dearly! But I could care less if we had sex or not! I thought the same thing you did about something being wrong with me, until I met someone!! He is younger and we never had intercourse, but we fooled around and talked alot and I figured out this guy was on the same sex wave length I was! It is over now, but I still think about him on occasion,, what it would have been like with him!!! I want to be able to act out my fantistys with my husband or be able to tell him about them,, but I am afraid he will find them inappropriate! I feel bad about what I did and I feel bad for feeling this way! I am in my early thirties and I should be in my sexual prime! I mean I should be wanting to have sex everyday or more than once a week anyway!!! But I don't,, not with my husband and I feel so bad about it! But how do you tell you husband that you are not attracted to him that you enjoy it better when you are just hanging out together! I have also thought about divorce, but I also think what happens if I find a guys who satifies me sexually and is a complete jerk!!! If you figure it out let me know! I was glad to read you thread though, not glad you feel the way you do, but that I am not alone,

[Hitman10000]

Get yourselves to some marriage counseling or a sexual therapist, or both!

 

This might sound off-the-wall, but I had been working with an Indian company for about a year. I learned that in their culture, arranged marriages are still the norm, though that's changing. These couples really didn't know each other much before marriage, and certainly didn't start off with any passion or love for each other, but were committed for life. Amazingly - to Western minds - they often developed both love and passion for each other anyway.

 

I bring this up because I believe your situation isn't hopeless, and that you can develop those feelings for him even though they weren't there to start with. However, you both have to first recognize there's a problem, acknowledge and admit to each other there's a problem, and commit to working on it together.

 

That's where the counseling and sex therapist comes in - a third party who is a professional and has experience in helping couples with these kinds of issues can help you communicate with each other and talk in a non-judgmental way about your issues. Maybe you don't have to mention that you had a sexual awakening with someone else, but you can say, as you've gotten older, you've realized that you want/need more out of your sex life. I think if he were to 'get it' and make more effort to meet your needs, you'd start to see him in a different light.

 

You know what I think about women advice, they're usually off the wall...speaking to norajane.

 

You wanna know why I invalidate most women advice?

 

THE RULES book was written by a woman, telling other women to appear disinterested, blah blah blah. And of course it brought more misery for women than trying to figure out relationships.

 

HE'S JUST NOT INTO YOU was written by a man, telling women the reasoning why men do the things they do because ultimately they're not all into you.

 

There is my proof that men give superior advice over women. Now that is said, here is the deal for your relationship. You already figured it out. Both of you probably are not attracted and are "conveniently" in a relationship that is passionless, but the intimacy is there (best friends) but then again.. when it comes to women, I want a woman that is really beautiful to stir my fires, if I wanted intimacy I'd adopt a dog from a shelter.

 

I recommend divorcing the guy, do it fast and quick. You got a life to live.

[Outcast]

There is my proof that men give superior advice over women.

 

Um. No. It's maybe proof that one man gave superior advice over one woman.

But that's all. And since you're not the guy who wrote the guy book, you don't get to ride on his coattails

[luvstarved]

I really hate to say this. I am a woman and have I suppose womanly hopes about relationships. Then there is my real life experience. I have been engaged 5 times and married twice. I suspect that within 5 years I will be divorced again. I have been in relationship counseling many times. While that might make me sound like just a loser in relationships, I think that I am probably a lot more typical, other than the fact that I refuse to stay in a relationship that has no prospect of ever being a happy one.

 

You should try counseling if you haven't already, because it does sound like a good relationship in other ways, and well, for some people it probably does work.

 

However, I think we humans are somewhat powerless over our sexual preferences and needs. Which is not to excuse any criminal behavior,but just to say that if someone has never turned you on sexually, the chances of them ever doing so are incredibly slim. If you are sexually incompatible, I think you're just out of luck.

 

The question is,how important is it? I am in a sexless marriage and have tried to pretend it isn't important enough to kill the marriage. But I have recently realized that it is.

 

Deep down, I think you know the truth for yourself. Go with it.