The Silent Treatment.

[Guest]

We have been married for 18 years, no children, and I am a homemaker.

 

My husband can be a control freak, and expects me to have the same opinions as him, and to follow his advice whenever he gives it to me. By "advice" I mean that if he doesn't like the way I do certain things, he will tell me how it should be done. Not respectfully, or in a helpful manner, but like lecturing a child, and calling me "stupid" or "pathetic" if I tell him that I don't like his attitude.

 

So he punishes me by giving me the silent treatment. This can go on for days or sometimes weeks. He will only talk to me again if I apologise, and to keep the peace, I do so, although I often feel that I am apologising for HIS bad behavior.

 

I am now in day four of the silent treatment because during an argument, I told my H that I was tired of his disrespectful attitude, and that I thought we were in an equal partnership, not a parent/child relationship. He told me to sleep in the spare bedroom, and did not speak to me the next morning, even when I took him to the airport for his business trip. I tried to talk in the car, on the way to the airport, but he just sat, stoney-faced, and stared ahead. So far, he hasn't even called me once, but he will expect me to pick him up when he returns.

 

Please help! How do I cope with this treatment? I try to be strong, by thinking that his behavior is immature, and by taking care of myself, but it really hurts to be tuned out.

[37andConfused]

my brother used to do that crap to me when we were 12 and 14. i can't imagine being that immature after 18 years of marriage:eek:

 

that's a lot of stress to be carrying around

[oannamarie]

I thought my husand was bad. He just tells me I am stupid when I am not doing things the way he wants. I usually tell him if he doesnt like it then do it himself. THe more he complains the less I do. I left him once because I was tired of his mouth. He came back crying like a baby. Maybe you should do the same.

[SmoochieFace]

He's being disrespectful to you simply by being a control freak. The *silent treatment* garbage only confirms that he has the brain of a spoiled little brat.

 

I would begin to seriously question your reasons for being in a marriage with him...

[catgirl1927]

Wow. That's so incredibly immature. I'm staggered by it. Maybe you should tell him you really want to be married to an adult, and if he's not going to speak to you that you're pretty sure an attorney will. If he's going to act like a child, treat him like a child. You don't need this crap.

[Guest]

Wow. That's so incredibly immature. I'm staggered by it. Maybe you should tell him you really want to be married to an adult, and if he's not going to speak to you that you're pretty sure an attorney will. If he's going to act like a child, treat him like a child. You don't need this crap.

Right on!!

I think it's important to remain the mature one in this situation. It is soooo easy and tempting to resort to immature tactics... like not picking him up from the airport, for instance.

This is so much more than disrespectful and immature, it's abusive. You don't have children, so what's making you stay?

[HokeyReligions]

Wow.

 

Do some research on codependents and enabling. I can't tell you what to do, but if I applied that to the context of my own marriage I would rebel. I would be upfront first and clearly state that I would not enable his abuse of me any longer. Then I wouldn't move to a spare room - if he didn't want to sleep with me he could move. If he needed a ride to the airport I'd call a taxi for him. I wouldn't speak to him either. I would still take care of the house and do the cooking, etc. but I would stop enabling his bad behavior. I think I'd also find a therapist/counselor for myself and get some help and emotional support - and the tools to deal with my own emotions and with him.

 

You are not going to break him of this behavior overnight -- it's taken 18 years of consistently bad behavior and attitudes to wear you to a point where you are reaching out. He might never change - he won't if he doesn't want to and doesn't seek out or accept the tools to do so.

 

Can you handle financially a separation from him? Talk to an attorney about a legal separation too just so you have the information and can gather whatever information you need, in whatever form you need it, to support that decision if it comes to that.

 

Do you have your own family support? Or a support system of friends that might be able to help you?

 

I was codependent. It took me 10 years to break it and I was damn scared too. I didn't want to leave the security I *thought* he provided for me, but I did and I amazed myself that I could exist without him. We got counseling and both dealt with our situation and did get back together in a more stable marriage where we agreed on our compromises and nothing was an order.

 

Name calling should never be part of an equal partnership! Or of ANY partnership for that matter.

[Mirage222]

I am sorry .. I know you have alot of years with him but how many to you really want to go on being unhappy?

[Kenyth]

Disappear for a night or two. That should break the silence.

 

When I get the silent treatment, I take advantage of it and go do something. Or if, when asking a question, I get the silent treatment, I respond with mirth. Maybe make some silly faces or something. Hey, if we're gonna be immature, might as well take full adavantage of the opportunity, right?

[aleatoryd]

^^^^ I like that idea Kenyth funny faces are good!

 

I think the other posters are correct. You should rock the boat and give him the reality that you don't have to take that crap. If he still doesn't treat you right then you don't have the real marriage you signed up to. I don't think you should get a divorce straight away but if it seems really bad at least consider a trial separation. Either that will make him realise he's in danger of losing you and maybe he'll treat you right or you'll at least get some experience of being independent and free. Sadly not all marriages are meant to be and there is no benefit in being tied to an unhappy situation. Good luck whatever you decide.

[Blind Illusion]

ENJOY life and be happy. It's because he knows it gets to you, then he does this. So you are now going to eat, dance and be merry. He'll break the silence because not knowing what is making you so happy will drive the control freak absurd.

 

I wouldn't pick him up at the airport if he doesn't call. "Sorry, I didn't hear from you that I thought you made other arrangements...tsk..tsk"

 

I live with someone like this minus the silent treatment thing (Since he sufferes from diarrhea of the mouth and could NEVER be quiet for that long) Know what. It intimidates them to no end that you are content about something that has absolutely nothing to do with them. Would you believe my husband actually ridicules me going to the gym and a few part time hours I took on, work-wise after using these very same things to put me down for not doing. Anyhow, that is why when he comes home, he will find you happy as anything and let him wonder why.

[glittergurl]

Oh my, if he did this to me, he could call himself a taxi when he comes back. And his surprise wouldn't be over when he gets home, because I'd be gone! (at least for a while).

 

You seriously can't live like this.

[AManWithTroubles]

Ok, at least sign up for some counseling. If that doesn't work, maybe move on to the next more drastic steps that the posters before me suggested.