StayClose Posted March 21, 2006 Share Posted March 21, 2006 All: Last summer I started reducing my junk food intake and excercising more regularly. We can't afford a gym membership right now, but I did get a couple of dumbells and started a regular routine of cycling, ab crunching, lifting, push ups and chin-ups. The result is that in the past year I've lost about 25 pounds, mostly from my gut, and have fleshed out my chest & biceps a little bit. Several people, including several women, have commented on how much better I look now. But there's one person who's not impressed at all: my wife. She has repeatedly told me that losing fat & adding muscel has absolutely no effect on her sexual attraction toward me (which hasn't been much lately), and sometimes refers to my workouts as my new "obsession." I find it hard to believe that improving my physique would have no effect on her physical attraction to me. But when we watch DVDs, whenever Russell Crow, Colin Ferrell or Brendon Fraser takes his shirt off, she comments on how "hot" they are. So why would making my body look more like their's have no effect? Another factor is that my wife is overweight, and seeing me get in shape reminds her that she is doing little to get in better shape herself and that makes her feel bad. She also may be worried that another women might try to take me away. While I try to be sensitive to my wife's issues, I don't feel that any of these are valid reasons why I shouldn't excercise and get into better shape. I've never seen anyone in this or similar forms saying that working out is bad. Link to post Share on other sites
catgirl1927 Posted March 21, 2006 Share Posted March 21, 2006 First of all, congratulations on all your hard work and your fab success. Losing weight is really hard, and you're doing a great thing for yourself. You are probably right on the money. Your wife sees that working hard and having discipline will pay off, and she feels bad about herself. My BF goes through periods of dieting and working out that would really show her what obsession is all about. Trust me, you are not obsessed. I didn't find him more attractive with the weight loss because he was SO MEAN. Being hungry and miserable all the time will do that, that's why I don't ever recommend crash diets. Her attraction to you probably hasn't changed, because she loves YOU and not how you look. That's hard for men to understand because they can't relate to it. But her lack of sexual interest has a lot more to do with her than with you. Link to post Share on other sites
Pink_Tulip Posted March 21, 2006 Share Posted March 21, 2006 I would guess that a large part of it is insecurity on her part. You can't change that much about yourself physically and not change emotionally as well. She has probably noticed you are more self confident, and that is attractive- to OTHER women. She may be afraid you will start enjoying the attention of others and possibly cheat, or find her less attractive. Tell her you would love for her to join you, but don't stop working out b/c of her insecurities, that will just set you up for more problems down the road. Link to post Share on other sites
Walk Posted March 22, 2006 Share Posted March 22, 2006 My bf said he liked me with more tub because he's got a few extra pounds and he feels less self-concious about it when we're both chubby. I don't know about your wife, but I've always associated losing a lot of weight and increasing your physical attractiveness with being dissatisfied in a relationship. Most people who are happy and content don't bother with losing extra weight, just no motivation usually. They aren't out looking for a new mate, and know that the person they are with loves them even with the extra pounds. So if my man starts losing weight and trying to buff up, I would get seriously concerned about how long we'd be together. I do like it when my partner looks a little more buff, at least sexually. But I would *by far* rather have a chubby happy partner then a buff "hot" partner. Arousal is more mental for me then physical, so it doesn't make a difference if he has a 6-pack or a tire. Can you interest her in any of your activities? I got my exH to exercise with me by getting him interested in mountain biking. And the bf with snowboarding. Maybe taking her to some trails nearby first and try to get her interested in hiking or canoeing, or join an outdoor club that goes on outings. It may get her motivated enough to want to get more fit. And if she feels she can share this with you, then I think she'd be more supportive of you. Link to post Share on other sites
justagirliegirl Posted March 22, 2006 Share Posted March 22, 2006 What she is doing is called leveling. She doesn't want to do anything about her weight so is subconciously trying to get you to go back to the way you were. It's more comfortable for her. Keep up with you diet and exercise. It isn't just about appearance but diet and exercise is so important for your overall health. Link to post Share on other sites
Kenyth Posted March 22, 2006 Share Posted March 22, 2006 Very few women want their husbands to look better than them. It has to do with insecurity and not wanting to worry about their own weight. Men also tend to lose weight easier, while eating more. (An advantage of greater muscle mass). This can make a mildly cranky dieting wife a bit jealous. Link to post Share on other sites
bab Posted March 22, 2006 Share Posted March 22, 2006 Another factor is that my wife is overweight, and seeing me get in shape reminds her that she is doing little to get in better shape herself and that makes her feel bad. She also may be worried that another women might try to take me away. You've hit the nail on the head. It's insecurity on her part. Maybe buy her a mountain bike so the two of you can ride together. That way you can turn your "obsession" into something you can do together. Link to post Share on other sites
Sassy Posted March 22, 2006 Share Posted March 22, 2006 I exercise everyday and enjoy it. I do it because it makes me feel good ,healthy and a great stress reliever. I do yoga ,pilates cardio light weights ,squats exercise ball,tai chi . I am am a exercise finatic . It gives me a great feeling . As long as she change her routine she will continue to see results. If my muscles are sore from a previous workout the day before . I let my body recooperate. I see nothing wrong with what she does it is good for you . Link to post Share on other sites
catgirl1927 Posted March 22, 2006 Share Posted March 22, 2006 I disagree about changing your body because you're unhappy with your spouse. I HATE HATE HATE being fat. HATE it. I feel awful about myself when I'm fat. So no matter how my BF feels, I will always try to stay as toned and fit as I can. I was that way when we met, though. Link to post Share on other sites
JadeStar Posted March 22, 2006 Share Posted March 22, 2006 We have some friends of ours thats in their 40's. Both were a little over weight. So they made a pack that they would both try to lose some weight and get more healthy for one another. They both pulled together as a team and worked out together. I think so far she lost about 30 some pounds, not sure what he has lost. So I also disagree that people lose weight/get in shape becasue they are unhappy with their relationship,(it might be the case for some but not all) plus sometimes theres medical health reasons for why it might be best someone loses some weight etc. JMO. Jade Link to post Share on other sites
Walk Posted March 22, 2006 Share Posted March 22, 2006 Jadestar... I meant when one partner does this without their partner participating, or not inviting their partner to participate. I'd wonder what the motivation was if my partner lost 30lbs. If there was a medical reason, or a sport/hobby they enjoyed, then by all means, great. But it seems strange to me that she hasn't shown any curiosity as to why he's losing weight. Why hasn't she talked to him about what's going on? Asked questions? Shown any curiosity at all? I think working out is excellent. I'm a firm believer in it. Helps with self-esteem, mood and studies say it decreases the time it takes to have an orgasm in women. I find it strange his SO hasn't shown any curiosity toward it. Other then referring to it as an obsession. Link to post Share on other sites
JadeStar Posted March 22, 2006 Share Posted March 22, 2006 Jadestar... I meant when one partner does this without their partner participating, or not inviting their partner to participate. I'd wonder what the motivation was if my partner lost 30lbs. If there was a medical reason, or a sport/hobby they enjoyed, then by all means, great. But it seems strange to me that she hasn't shown any curiosity as to why he's losing weight. Why hasn't she talked to him about what's going on? Asked questions? Shown any curiosity at all? I think working out is excellent. I'm a firm believer in it. Helps with self-esteem, mood and studies say it decreases the time it takes to have an orgasm in women. I find it strange his SO hasn't shown any curiosity toward it. Other then referring to it as an obsession. Ahhh I see what you're saying. Link to post Share on other sites
Author StayClose Posted March 22, 2006 Author Share Posted March 22, 2006 Yes folks, there is a lot going on, and there is dissatisfaction in the relationship. Here are some of my motivations for working out: 1) When I was younger I viewed myself as too skinny. As I aged and gained weight, most of it was in the gut. I hated seeing pictures of myself with my gut pushing the bottom of my shirt out. After losing 25 pounds last year (mostly through less food, plus bike riding), the gut was gone, but I looked too skinny to myself again. So then I started exercises to build up the arms, shoulders, chest & abs. 2) We're having problems in the relationship, so I am concious of this being "insurance" in case we divorce and I need to attract women again (I wasn't too good at this before, and I blamed this on my too-thin physique). 3) She hasn't been very interested in sex lately, yet she gets excited over Russel Crow, Brendon Fraser, Dr. Christian Troy from Nip/Tuck and other actors she thinks are hot. My logical mind cannot beleive that making myslf look more like them would not help. 4) I've gotten some comments/attention from women from work. I like it, although I wish I could get that from W. I'm not in a place where I want to cheat, but I understand the men in the "W doesn't like sex" threads where they talk about the need for some kind of attention/validation from women, and if not their W's then someone else. 5) Oh yeah... It's healthy too. And yes, she has a mountain bike too. We used to ride together sometimes when we lived in a place that was flat and had a good flat bike trail nearby. But we now live in a hilly area and she's not in shape to ride up the neighborhood hills. The bike is on a trainer but she rarely rides it. Weight is a big issue for her,and she has health problems related to it. I'm dissapointed that she hasn't taken wieight loss seriously, and she still eats handfuls of candy while watching TV at night. She gets upset if I say anything that sounds judgemental about it, so the only time we can discuss it is when she brings it up. She's read a lot about wieght loss, diets and her health issues, so there's nothing I can tell her that she doesn;t know already. All I can do is support her when she's ready to do something about it. Link to post Share on other sites
catgirl1927 Posted March 22, 2006 Share Posted March 22, 2006 2) We're having problems in the relationship, so I am concious of this being "insurance" in case we divorce and I need to attract women again (I wasn't too good at this before, and I blamed this on my too-thin physique). doh! Walk was right on the money! Link to post Share on other sites
MusicWoman Posted March 22, 2006 Share Posted March 22, 2006 I'm a little bit overweight...and I could stand to loose some pounds. My problem is motivation..and a busy schedual. BUT if my SO was to ask me to go out on bike rides and to work out together at least on the weekends or some days a week I would go in a second! Basically, what I think I'm trying to say is that most people who don't work out its because of motivation. If you have tried to encourage her to work out with you and she won't she really just doesn't want to do it. She is totally threatened that your becoming more physically attractive and your encouragement to do something together with you isn't working...This just doesn't look very good. Unless I'm incorrect on assuming you encourage her to do these things with you? Link to post Share on other sites
catgirl1927 Posted March 22, 2006 Share Posted March 22, 2006 Deciding to lose weight and get in shape is totally a personal decision. You have to decide that you want to make that a priority in your life. For me, it got to the point where looking in the mirror and hating myself, being ashamed to be seen in a swimsuit or by my SO naked and feeling gross and dumpy when we went out because I couldn't wear cute, stylish clothing became more important to me than getting to eat whatever I wanted and not having to go to the gym. Link to post Share on other sites
MusicWoman Posted March 22, 2006 Share Posted March 22, 2006 Deciding to lose weight and get in shape is totally a personal decision. You have to decide that you want to make that a priority in your life. For me, it got to the point where looking in the mirror and hating myself, being ashamed to be seen in a swimsuit or by my SO naked and feeling gross and dumpy when we went out because I couldn't wear cute, stylish clothing became more important to me than getting to eat whatever I wanted and not having to go to the gym. yea, theres still two types of people though. Theres the people who feel this way and go and do something about it, and there are the people who feel this way and don't do anything about it. You can really want to change your physical appearence..but still sit on ur butt...or try working out for a few weeks and loose the motivation. Link to post Share on other sites
Lil Honey Posted March 22, 2006 Share Posted March 22, 2006 Stay Close: I think that your wife doesn't acknowledge your success because she is afraid that she will lose you. Like someone else said, she is wondering why you suddenly decided to take care of yourself - that is a good indicator of an affair - so she might be waiting for "the other shoe to drop." She doesn't go with you, because she doesn't feel good about herself. She probably can't keep up with you. She also doesn't want to "make a spectacle of herself" riding her bike out in the neighborhood. (Many heavy women won't go to a gym for just that reason.) She think of your workouts as an obsession, because you are now spending time away from her and she feels excluded, but if she joins you, she will be self-conscious and uncomfortable. Getting someone to eat differently is like getting someone to stop smoking - nearly impossible. They have to do it on their own, in their own time. Link to post Share on other sites
Kenyth Posted March 23, 2006 Share Posted March 23, 2006 If you want a comforting excuse to tell the spouse when you want to lose weight, go to the Dr. and get bloodwork after eating fast food. There will generally always be something that could use the help of diet and exercise then. Link to post Share on other sites
Author StayClose Posted March 24, 2006 Author Share Posted March 24, 2006 Just to clarify, I'm not going to a gym. Except for my bike riding (most of which is commuting to and from work), my exercise is in the living room while we're watching TV, so this isn't taking much time away from her. She is overwieght, and she is very sensitive to any perceived "pressure" about it. She knows that I am very open to any sort of exercise, bike riding or walks with her. But it has to be her suggestion. Link to post Share on other sites
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