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Reading a post by someone else made me think about my H's few sexual encounters with the OW. I had to smile because through the healing of adultery I look at the man that did this horrid deceitful thing(s) and feel that there is a certain tenderness that can only come from also having a great friendship with ones spouse. If weren't such good friends I doubt our marriage would have survived at all.

Anyhow, those sexual encounters were not great, and I have had dialog with the OW about them also. She only like missionary and could not give head, TMI well, this is an infidelity site and SEX is a huge part of that so I don't think it is too much info. I think many many times the SEX isn't what either party had hoped it would be. From reading other WS posts that is often the case.

 

So, anyhow, I smiled remembering certain aspect of our marriage during his time of straying. He had given me a compliment in bed about giving him the best head he had ever had, I took pause and asked WHO he could possibly be comparing me to because heck, at that time we had been together 19 years, so IF he was thinking back to his teen years well, I know there wasn't much head back then as there were just three girls before me! I don't beleive he got head from all three either. This should have certainly been a redflag,and it did hurt after I realized he was indeed comparing me to someone recently. A few months out though, and I could smile at it because I felt he was like a close freind that was sharing soemthing intimate with me. He was also stupid enough to let something like that slip and that was endearing to me.

 

I am hoping to find that others on here have come that far. To be able to feel some lighthearted humor ocassionally now about the absurdity of it all.

It is like having less anger internally about the adultery and forming a different stronger bond.

It is nice, it is wonderful.

The OW was in a bad marriage abusive, alcoholic husband and sadly that made her easy prey, this is not something I am proud of my husband for. NOT that his going after a STRONGER personality would make it better, and hopefully a stronger personality means they don't feel such lack of self esteem that they need to go after or go to a man that can not commit to them and in the short run are only using them for a short break from the real life situations they are living. So, I do still struggle knowing that my wonderful Husband could have actually thought through the knowledge that she was emotionally damaged enough to be grateful for any scrapes he would throw her.

 

There are more aspects of learning different behaviors of a spouse or life partner that can also be endearing, and almost humorous after a period of time has past enough to not be in the anger or hurt stages of discovering the deceit.

For me, his showing he is vulnerable made him more lovable. He has to eat crow and bow his head and still be strong, That is something great.

 

I hope all betrayed spouses can find out the real reason their spouses cheated and in some way incorporate what they viewed was missing at that time into the relationship. I think thats an essential aspect in healing.

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NOTSUREHECHEATS05

Well I felt a little of what you were saying but i don't know if i am strong enough to look beyond, maybe i am...... I feel already hurt anticipating that he has cheated on me, not knowing if he actually has...... You are really forgiving and i feel that you are somewhat free of the anger i am wondering if i will ever be once i learn the truth ( if is cheating is real) the one thing i do not want to be is a victim, I will not be that and i will not let him **** on me ...... And what you said about the reason why he cheats, i could think of many reasons i could cheat also but i haven't ..... SO many men have been after me but i stand tall not only for me but for our family, I think i deserve that too..... I thank you for your comments they did melow me a little but bottom line i am wondering if my love for him can over come the hurt i am anticipating

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I think before you can overcome anything you have to know the truth. You have to know what it is you are trying to deal with.

 

There are many sites that will tell you how to catch a cheater but with all that the most accurate way is instinct, your gut telling you something is wrong.

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NOTSUREHECHEATS05

Well my gutt is telling me something is wrong, but it is not telling me for sure he is cheating is it because i hope wish he is not? Maybe.....

 

I have no definate proof that is my problem, except for hints which i cannot confront him with cause they are not enough...... I have to tell you he is sweet and very nice to me, not distant or anything like that we did have some issues which

 

i promised him i would work on...... and ever since he seems much happier but it is the whispers and little phone calls that bother me telling me that there is another woman lurking somewhere, wanting to know if he is ok, if he ate? You know little things like that , that regular friends don't care about.

 

How did you catch your Husband? and how did forgive him......

 

We have a one year old and we are talking about having another, how can in all the mist of this beautiful relationship there be another woman?

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whichwayisup

You have some wonderful insight MustB1. Very interesting way of handling things and it seems to have made you be at peace with everything that has happened.

 

Don't give up if the love is still there between you two!

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It is amazing how differently I feel about HIM and the adultery period after the ptsd has worn off. It is as if we have learned all over again what love is and how much love there can be. Sappy.

 

I know all the aspects of healing have been really rough, the pain was something almost indescribable and now it is rarely felt.

 

From being knowledgable about infidelity now, I think it is safe for me to say, I know my H was an a88, I know he deliberately made our marriage a mess to justify his cheating, but he is still my H.

 

For everyone that says they would leave their spouse if they cheated I have to say, you really never know until it happens. I was one that said I would end the marriage if... and now I realize that so many marriages remain intact and become some of the best marriages there are.

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