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Question for married folks


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So I was watching the show "House Hunters" and I was wondering what it is like for you as a couple when you have to make BIG decisions? (like buying a house or something) I don't think big decisions like this come up often in a marriage, most of married life is just and endless stream of little decisions, but when you have to make the big ones, how does that go for you? Do you typically agree or disagree on these things? Do you just lay down and let your spouse get whatever they want in order to keep the peace, or are you the one who always gets their way?

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I'm the more opinionated of the two but we talk about things & discuss, preferences & must haves. Then we set out looking for something that fulfills both of our needs. Most times we're happy enough to give the other something they really want but if one person says "hell no!" we keep looking.

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Well I can tell you what not to do....never buy a house without your spouse being involved..haha, that doesn't go over well.

 

Since that mistake, she tends to be the major decision-maker, I normally don't really care..

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Anything we both have to live with: from cars to furniture to houses, we have a few rules.

 

If one of us hates the thing, they get absolute veto rights.

If one of us is keen and the other is ambivalent, we see if we can agree.

If we both love it, then it's a no brainer.

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The way we work that is the wife picks out the homes she wants. I give her a budget amount then we look them over.

 

We've relocated 8 times so we've got it down to a system that works for us.

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Anything we both have to live with: from cars to furniture to houses, we have a few rules.

 

If one of us hates the thing, they get absolute veto rights.

If one of us is keen and the other is ambivalent, we see if we can agree.

If we both love it, then it's a no brainer.

 

Exactly. We tend to like the same things, and both approach decisions rationally, so there is seldom much disagreement. We can veto, or compromise as needed. We do a lot of discussion and analysis, to find the best result for us, given what we know and can research.

 

We have made some huge, unconventional decisions. For example, after 9/11 when my job disappeared, and she had to close her business due to a devastating illness, we agreed to sell everything, buy an RV, and travel full-time until we could figure out what to do next. We loved every minute of it! We found a new home far away, and have thrived here. Now we're looking at retirement, perhaps in another country.

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A big decision would be what house to buy, where to live or more recently, what renovation or paint color for the house. Years ago when we had to decide between a house or a condo, she was ambivalent so I came down hard for a house and that settled it. On the other hand when we moved into the current house she decided which suburb where we would look, and that is where we are living now. I admit that when it comes to redecorating, my aesthetics are not good, so she makes such aesthetic choices. Bottom line, I know when she is determined to hold her position and when the issue is still up for debate.

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Bottom line, I know when she is determined to hold her position and when the issue is still up for debate.

 

Oh yeah! I also know when he will hold his position and not bother discussing it further. Thankfully it's never happened on anything more important than paint colour.

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georgia girl
Anything we both have to live with: from cars to furniture to houses, we have a few rules.

 

If one of us hates the thing, they get absolute veto rights.

If one of us is keen and the other is ambivalent, we see if we can agree.

If we both love it, then it's a no brainer.

 

That pretty much sums it up. Plus, it’s typically not a hill either wants to die on. In terms of your relationship, fundamentally, the relationship is way more important than paint color.

 

For us - and I think it’s true for most couples in a good relationship - we tend to both err on the side of making the other person happy. So, we can drive each other a little nuts with the, “Is this what you want?” questions. Kinda silly, but it makes you feel confident that your partner still wants what is best for you.

Edited by georgia girl
Darned autocorrect��
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So no one on this forum ever has a hard time with this? Admittedly I watch this show partly to see the dynamic of the couples and how they interact wiith and respond to each other. There are various different type of dynamics on there but I can tell which ones will end up divorced, or at the very least unhappy.

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georgia girl

Popsicle,

 

Since I am a huge consumer of HGTV, I can see where you are going there. Part of it, I think, is pretty staged so I think sometimes couples are encouraged to assume a particular role such as being rolled or being unyielding. I think that even the show’s producers have acknowledged that most people have already purchased a house before being accepted into the show.

 

The other part of it, I think, is very true. If you read some of the threads on this board, you see some very unequal dynamics and equally unhappy people. The posters who have responded to date are the ones who, at least in their responses I have read, tend to have very balanced relationships. So, I think the selection of things like houses, moves, major purchases, are really only indicators of the underlying relationship. If it’s a healthy, balanced one, those decisions tend to reflect that. Unhealthy is likely reflected as well.

 

All of this is not to say that it wouldn’t be easier some days to just have every decision be solely yours. Having only been married for five years, I can remember when the decisions were just mine. But I have to honestly say, I have remodeled two kitchens - one single and one married. The married design turned out better. Could be a function of having more money to play with but also definitely influenced by my husband reminding me, “we are only doing this once. Get what you want.” When I did it myself, I didn’t have that perspective and compromised more than I should have for budget (which I came in under).

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So no one on this forum ever has a hard time with this? Admittedly I watch this show partly to see the dynamic of the couples and how they interact wiith and respond to each other. There are various different type of dynamics on there but I can tell which ones will end up divorced, or at the very least unhappy.

 

 

The drama & conflict makes for good television.

 

 

DH & I had some difficulty when we renovated our kitchen. I wanted a window to remain. He wanted it to be made smaller to extend the counter more. Eventually the architect & the kitchen contractor convinced me that more counter space & a smaller window was the better choice. They were right. For the most part, whenever he was asked what he wanted, DH replied "Whatever makes DOnnivan happy."

 

 

We're in the process of buying a new car right now. DH wants a sedate sedan. I want a sports car. We don't have kids & we can afford it. I realize it's impractical but I'm whining that I want what I want. Eventually we'll come to terms on something.

 

 

It's how you handle the differences of opinion. You can't hurl grenades like "if you loved me you would. . . "

 

 

When we were buying a second home, DH really wanted this one multi-family. It was alright but the location was sketchy. I did some research about the comps & the neighborhood. I came back to him with facts & figures about why this was not a good investment. Based on that data, we bought something else.

 

 

We looked at another investment property recently. I loved it. He hated it. We didn't buy it.

Edited by d0nnivain
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Big decisions didn't go well with my ex-H and I and that was real life. He basically steam-rolled over me.

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Big decisions didn't go well with my ex-H and I and that was real life. He basically steam-rolled over me.

 

 

And that probably contributed to why he's your EX husband now.

 

 

Marriages need compromise to work.

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Eternal Sunshine
Big decisions didn't go well with my ex-H and I and that was real life. He basically steam-rolled over me.

 

My parents have been married for over 40 years and that's the dynamic they have. Dad steamrolls all over mum. There is no compromise on anything. She is expected to make all the sacrifices and he does what he wants.

 

I think watching that growing up, it scared me off from relationships :(

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Do you just lay down and let your spouse get whatever they want in order to keep the peace, or are you the one who always gets their way?

 

We usually default to each other's area of interest and expertise. I'm into cars so I've always picked and bought those; my wife likes decorating so she's normally held sway over house-related decisions. As a SAHM, she made most of the decisions involving our children while I made most of the major financial choices. If there was overlap or disagreement, we worked it out.

 

Now that we're nearly empty-nesters, will be interesting to see how this dynamic evolves...

 

Mr. Lucky

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My parents have been married for over 40 years and that's the dynamic they have. Dad steamrolls all over mum. There is no compromise on anything. She is expected to make all the sacrifices and he does what he wants.

 

I think watching that growing up, it scared me off from relationships :(

 

Wow, this made me cry. Thank you so much for saying that. :love: It made me know that I made the right decision in not staying.

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BettyDraper

I allow my husband to have the final say in any huge decision. The reason for this is I can be irrational and impulsive. Sometimes I have difficulty considering all angles before I make an important choice. I am also very indecisive.

 

My husband always considers my opinion and preferences when making choices so I don't feel like he's being controlling. He is always willing to compromise so I trust him to take the path which will benefit both of us. For example, I would like to buy a larger home in 3 years because there are certain amenities in larger homes which I like. I love to cook and entertain so I would like a larger kitchen as well as a formal dining room. My husband does not want a larger home but he is willing to purchase one to make me happy. His only caveat is choosing the area and looking at far more houses than we viewed when we bought our starter home.

 

I ask his opinion on smaller decisions and I follow his advice if it makes sense to me. We agree not to do anything which can result in hurt feelings and conflict. We would rather be happy than right and stubbornness is not helpful.

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BarbedFenceRider

yeah, the steam roll thing is bad thing...

 

My wife and I kinda do things together. Not always, but we do communicate about it. If she ever did a big thing like buy property and NOT tell me...She probably wouldn't be my wife...

 

When I took the plunge so to speak, I laid everything on the table and told her what I had to offer...We did use my money to buy property, but she used her number crunching ability to make a sound purchase. As for the house, I'm kinda rare in that we built our home. We used a contractor she liked, but I used subs that I got to work with. We even added stuff to the design plan that we both liked...Kinda like taking turns. It worked well. She designed a bay window, I designed the fireplace. She picked the tile in the house, I picked the interior wall color.

The scary thing is...If I were to do it all over again, today, I probably wouldn't. Our family has changed and the way I felt over the marriage back then when it was new, is very different than today....Call it naive or younger and immature, but I invested alot into our family home back then and it would hurt tremendously if I had to walk away.

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When we moved house a few years ago my wife expected me to make the decision. She didn’t even expect to view it so I just looked at them myself, chose one and bought it. She sees that as very much the man’s job to provide a house.

 

On the other hand I ended up having no say at all in anything that went inside the house afterwards - I merely positioned furniture according to her direction and bought and paid for curtains and such like as she instructed.

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My husband & I went looking, i fell in love with the third place we saw...he asked “are you sure this is what you want” & I said “Yes”! lol pretty simple.

 

Other big purchases like cars, depends. If it’s for him, I could care a less what he gets, if it’s for me, he doesn’t care either...within our budget. Its interesting question bc now that it has me thinking, our biggest purchases & decisions have & are way easier than dealing with small things. Lol took an hour to find our house, it may take days to figure out what restaurant we want to eat on our family outing days.

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RecentChange

Ya know, we tend to agree on most things... down to what color to paint the walls, and what kind of furnishings to buy.

 

I tend to be a bit more financially conservative, so I will be the "lets wait and see about buying it next month" or "we really don't need ALL the bells and whistles on a car" and he has a "treat yo self!" ying to my yang. So, I am "voice of reason" and he tends to be "voice of fun" but we respect each other, and allow each other to influence big choices.

 

I remember the last car we bought:

 

he kept asking me "should we do it, do you think its a good deal?" and I kept asking him "you will be driving it more, are you happy with it? Is this the one you want? If you are making me make the final choice, I want to make sure you are happy with it!"

 

There is no steam rolling.... We consult each other heavily on any major decisions, and its not about what *I* want, but what will be best for *us*.

Edited by RecentChange
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For the most part we are sort of on the same page but I admit she sort of talked me into moving to California. I felt I owed her that much after everything she has done for me and it is growing on me out here.

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For the most part we are sort of on the same page but I admit she sort of talked me into moving to California. I felt I owed her that much after everything she has done for me and it is growing on me out here.

 

Come on, I love Santa Monica. I'd kill to be able to live there.

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It's about managing mental health.

 

Big descions can really mess you up, when you had no say in them or were pressured to change your will.

 

I didn't care much and let my husband make desicions. I soon realised it didn't aid my mental health and that I needed to take a bit of control. I took control, only in issues where I think my husbands mental health won't actually be hurt at all. Otherwise everything is a joint thing.

 

Even the aspects where I have control is a joint venture however, because I consult and share everything. So does he.

 

We share finances, a family and a home so it really can't be any other way.

 

If we were to sell the house and move. It wouldn't be his or mine to say or choose. It would be circumstances that would warrant a move. It's much easier to follow circumstances.

 

Similarly when we don't agree. We sit down, hash it out, logic, common sense and best solution to the problems wins.

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